Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

Yep, relentless!!!

From a tax point of view, he already deducts the maintenance he pays from his tax, and i have to declare it as income.

And i am entitled to declare both kids with me as they live with me.

His proposal would mean i pay more and he pays less. On what planet does he think theirs is legal or fair.????

He talked to the tax office about it and got in writing from them that IF i agreed to sharibg the kids as a favour to him, it was possible.. . But if i wanted to apply the law then that was my right and he could not contest that.

He's tried anyway, when i emailed "no", he, sent an official letter via his lawyer asking due an official reply by June 4th.

I am NOT paying 250e just to reiterate what I've said in my email and what is legally my right

@Haffdonga now I WOULD pay 250 euros for THAT injunction.. No more exh in my dreams....

He is blatantly asking you to fraud the tax office.
Is this why he is fighting for 50:50, so he pays less tax.?

@Mix56, one of the big reasons, yes.

Financially he would pay no maintenance, less tax and i would have to share any child benefits etc.

It's my worst nightmare not because of financial reasons, but because i would have to interact with him on a daily/weekly basis about every little detail of the dc's life, every pair of trainers, every pen bought for school...

He originally tried to keep the joint account open to pay for stuff for the dc (again to tell the court there was no need for maintenance). I have closed that account now.

It makes a difference of 2000e in tax for him apparently...
If I hadn't already spent more than 10 000 euros on lawyers because of him (more like 15) I might be inclined to be more sympathetic....

Can this be used as evidence that his primary concern is finances rather than welfare of the DC? Certainly evidence that he isn't rational or reasonable by asking you to lie to the tax office to save him money whilst costing you more whilst you do very much have sole care of the DC???

I will run that by my lawyer, certainly if he puts pressure on the dc to write to the court about shared custody i will not hesitate to point out the timing.

Omg! On the bright side he just keeps on reinforcing your reasons to divorce him...stay strong, it will be over one day.

PS my exH said that child maintenance payments should be reduced because he was having the children up to 32 nights a year and would only need to have them for an additional 2 weeks or so to qualify for the reduction (but didn't want to have them for the extra 2 weeks, just wanted the reduction because he was close enough)...right?!!! These men!

PPS I stopped counting how much the divorce cost me in ££££s...and to this day I do not know exactly how much, but it was worth every penny

@Cherry83

On the bright side he just keeps on reinforcing your reasons to divorce him...stay strong, it will be over one day.

Totally - I don't think I've ever had a moment of regret since I left.

Deep sadness about the way things worked out, especially for the DC, but not regret.

And my dreams back that up - consistently nightmares rather than longing for him back !

Can you use all this shit as evidence against shared custody?

He is making unwarranted accusations of fraud, he is unreasonably asking you to pay more tax so that he can pay less, he is making this as difficult as possible financially...

He is actively showing himself to be someone who cannot participate in a joint custody arrangement, with all the give-and-take and consideration of each other that that requires in order to work. He’s incapable of it. And his inflexibility would be to the detriment of you and your children.

He’s really “pedalling in the choucroute” isn’t he, the connard!

Trouble is if you mention all his pointless accusations and enquiries are costing you €, he’ll increase them!

The tax thing is yet again another attempt to continue to control you.

I don’t think it’s even that… I simply think it’s just an attempt to try and get more money at Jamais’ expense.

@justilou1, I disagree. Yes, he wants the extra money, but I bet he'll be SO happy at the extra control he can exert, and I'm sure that is a significant part of his reasoning

Being asked to disadvantage yourself for his benefit, financially?

If it were the other way round and you were struggling financially (not that I think he would be but it would be probably the only circumstance under which you would ask) would he do it ? No, probably not!

You’ve already had to pay out more in extra legal bills, caused by his intransigence, then he would ever get in tax rebates!

Being asked to disadvantage yourself for his benefit, financially?

This to me is just outright proof of the fact that he is either living in an alternate reality or just totally loopy !!!

It's not the first time his behaviour has been totally incomprensible - last Christmas he sent me a long email asking if we could "reconcile" , citing "unconditional love" but the same day I received via his lawyer all the accusations of me being a fraud, a narcissist and an unfit mother..

Actually I think it's the fact that he is totally unable to see anyone else's point of view (which the psychologist's report points out) and so his point of view is that it is unfair that I get to get the tax advantages of the children, and therefore I will of course see that and agree with him.

His total and rock-solid certainty in his own beliefs is what made him so good at gas-lighting me in the past - he never had a moment's doubt that I was in the wrong and was so convincing that I ended up believing him, time after time, even when there was evidence to the contrary.

My DS's father lost custody over DS because of carry on much like this, after 5 years of it the judge said no contact of any kind between DS and ex as he's harming him and me mentally.

I went to a yoga class today @jamaisjedors. There was a woman d’un age certain who moved so fluidly and totally owned the space she moved in. While I understand that that’s not possible all of the time, I immediately thought of you. Was she wearing expensive designer gear? (Honestly? Not a clue…) She was just fluid and knew how her body moved through space. (Envious AF!)

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I'm so sorry to hear that

@Justilou1 a woman d’un age certain who moved so fluidly and totally owned the space she moved in - would love to be like that - I've certainly made a lot of progress and am much more confident in myself and feel comfortable in my body.

The "nasty" remarks that exH used to make still float up to the surface regularly but I am happy enough in myself to dismiss them most of the time - and Mr DJ thinks I'm amazing and goes out of his way to show it so that obviously is helping the "healing" too.

This week is tough as we have to get all the evidence together for court by Thursday, as usual it all happens at the last minute and I'm chasing up various documents about the DC and sending it all to my lawyer - and we are still waiting for exH's "conclusions" for the appeal's court, which will undoubtedly shake me up and have me chasing round for counter-arguments.

Hearing is at the end of the month, but no decision til September.

Not great news from my lawyer when I saw her on Friday, the divorce itself could easily drag on another couple of years .

We can petition for divorce from September, then it will take 6 months to a year to get a hearing, and THEN, exH can appeal THAT decision if he doesn't agree about finances or custody, which will suspend the divorce...

One step at a time though...

Once the child custody is settled, do you think he will postpone the divorce as a punishment ?
It sounds like he is capable of it

The really positive thing is that by the time DS2 is a fully fledged adult it will be done!! Can you imagine if you hadn't started when you did??

It sounds like there's a lot going on this week, and your emotions may get stirred up quite a bit.

Hang in there jamais
Unmumsnetty hugs

Another one adding hugs xxx

And another 🤗

Appreciate the hugs, I need them right now as it is getting me down.

Each time I'm stronger but still, it's a trial.

@Mix56 re postponing the divorce... He could do it as a punishment, but equally he will drag it out because he CANNOT be wrong, and so if the judge doesn't give him his way on everything, he will appeal.

As @RandomMess says, at least once both dc are adults, this will be over!!!!

I keep reminding myself that if he drags it out, he's the one being punished as he's the one who will have to keep paying me to live in a house he part owns.
He's also being punished as it will be very hard for him to move on while this is still on going... And i feel it would be in his best interests for the "battle" to be over so that psychologically he has to start moving on.

That's probably an illusion though as i think his paranoia needs a focus and the divorce gives him that.

It's very sad, but every day i get a bit stronger and distance myself from it, all part of the process

Huge hugs.

Another hidden bonus is that stops you being swept off your feet into another live in relationship/marriage!!!

Enjoy what you have with Mr DJ with zero wifework involved