Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

I'm so glad things are finally going better for you. I've read your threads from the beginning, you've had a hellish journey.

Do you even know for sure that there even IS a house? Have you seen it in real life?

SORRY!!! Wrong thread!

You okay @justilou1 ? I've just been catching up on another thread you did the same

If you've already started the gin I'd say have another. But thinking about it maybe that should be a cup of tea x

In the middle of an assignment! Busy brain syndrome 🤦🏼‍♀️

Justilou1, have have to admire how your handling your DH. My feeling is that he is heading for a manic phases or having one. Your being a grey rock so he is turning on the people he works with including his boss. Then you told us you found out he is applying for his bosses job. That give me a good laugh.
You don't start slating your boss in emails and send them to people when your trying to move up the ladder.
Just make sure you print out and keep the emails regarding this for your lawyer.
It must be so nice for you to have meet Mr DJ and spend time with him. Your right keeping quiet about him as your DH will try to cause more problems for you.

Hi @Ilady - I think you mean Jamais. She's romping it in at the moment! I'm just puddling through my life thinking "What would Jamais do?" for inspiration.

I have been following your story from a distance and really admiring your courage . Felt l had to comment as it sounds like your Ex is in a manic phase and this is possibly to do with coming off his meds. None of this would matter to you if it were not for your dc staying over there. In that state their dad is liable to do anything and l was concerned they wouldn't be safe. All rational thinking will go out the window and l genuinely would fear for their safety. Had to write this as alarm bells were ringing. I have experience of manic episodes in my extended family and him sending all those emails etc is very much part of it. But without proper meds he could get worse.

Thanks again for the kind comments and encouragment.

Have had a bit of a worrying week- as some of you pointed out exH seems to be in a manic phase and I was contacted both my a friend ("Sam" - who previously was very supportive of both exH and myself during exh's breakdown and psychotic episode) and a colleague - both worried about exH and about me.

It seems exH has been behaving weirdly at work and also outside work, those who know of his history are worried that he is heading for a psychotic break, those who don't know are also worried without knowing that he has had mental health problems in the past.

I have called exH's family to let them know and put everything I've been told in writing.

I was concerned about the DC going there this weekend - thank goodness they still only do one night at the weekend - but everything seems to have gone ok, apart from him turning up 2hrs late without any explanation or excuse - very unlike him and had me and the DC worried as he wasn't answering the phone...

His family are going to try to contact his psychiatrist to express their concerns.

I have realised how far I have come as obviously this has upset me (and given me some nightmares) but overall I am carrying on and staying calm.

It’s great you are maintaining some equilibrium about this. Good that the stay over went ok. But even the late pick up, and lack of contact alone will be enough to throw your DC (however calmly they present). Don’t hesitate to reduce/ stop contact if you feel you need to at any point. Even if you get kick back from them. The reality is ( and has been) you are the only one looking out for them. Your ex’s love for them may be real, his ability to be the parent they need is not.

Do you think your children would tell you if they were concerned about his behaviour or would they try and protect him?

I'm a family lawyer in a completely different jurisdiction (Australia), but I wonder if you could get an order about communication with his psychiatrist? I've had clients previously get orders for psychiatrists to communicate with divorced parents on a limited basis- basically empowering them to contact when the patient has stopped being compliant with medication/attending appointments/ they're concerned about relapse/ concerned symptoms are severe enough to impact the children. I have no idea how French family law works, but wonder if something similar would be possible.

@justilou1 not sure if they would tell me - if he was being really weird I think yes, but otherwise maybe not...

@SassyPants thanks for your input, very interesting and worth mentioning to my lawyer, I will let you know what she says.

Everything reasonably quiet at the moment, kids were there on Wednesday and haven't mentioned anything "off".

That's worrying Jamais.

I don't know how much you've told dss about their dad's mental illness but they're both old enough to understand that he has had an illness that's likely to re-occur at any stage during his life, and that he won't necessarily see the signs himself if he's getting ill.

Could you be quite clear with them about what the warning signs might be that dad needs a rest and agree a plan with them what they should do if they're staying with him and feel he's behaving that way? Agree a code word with them which means Dad's being weird, please come and get us immediately and make sure they know that it's not being disloyal to decide that he isn't well enough to be with them for a while.

Did he get the Big Job? Could that (getting or not getting the job) have been a trigger?

I’d be very surprised if the ex got the job with his erratic behaviour, but when it comes to beaureaucracy, you never know! I agree that the kids are old enough to be told that you need to know if he’s being odd - or at least not protected anymore.

Hope things are going okay jamais.

Hi, no ex didn't get the job, I found out afterwards he was running as head of a research unit.

Probably for the best !

The DC have since been back again and not reported any weird behaviour - I did talk to them last time and warn them that their dad is stressed and to let me know at any time if they needed me to come and get them.

Otherwise things are going ok, only thing which is annoying me is that exH keeps visiting me in my dreams - sick to death of waking up in the morning having spent the night wrangling with him or trying to reason with him or worse.

You would think that 2 years on he would be gone from my subconscious but obviously not...

Only about 3 weeks now til we have to send in our conclusions to court about the custody appeal, still waiting on exH's conclusions - we are letting him go first and then will react as we still don't know what he is going to ask for in terms of custody.

Things with MR DJ still super easy and super lovely, a total revelation to me! Still keeping it quiet while waiting for the next court date so that it doesn't influence the DC into writing to the judge about custody or so that it doesn't enrage exH who might then manipulate the DC.

Nice to hear from you

Good luck 🌸

Still progressing nicely, so lovely to read!

I can imagine that he will haunt your dreams with something as important as custody sorted. I can’t imagine that it would suit him to have much more responsibility, although he would only see potential for financial gain. You would have a bit of freedom, but he wouldn’t change his lifestyle...

@Justilou1 yes unfortunately he is still "visiting" in my dreams which is pissing me off but inevitable I guess while things are still up in the air with custody.

This week we received several pages from his solicitor about the finances, more accusations of fraud and and dissimulation, as soon as we justify or answer one accusation he comes up with more.

This week I am feeling like this will never end...

Still nothing from him about custody. He contacted me this week because the poor thing is going to have to pay a lot of tax - he wanted me to do him a favour and let him declare one kid each to get a tax break. I have said no. Particularly as this comes at the same time as all the ridiculous accusations - I have no idea what makes him think I would be prepared to "do him a favour" tax-wise when he is accusing me of all kinds of stuff and making everything much harder than it could be.

I also suspect that now I have said "NO" on sharing the kids for tax purposes, he will be even more determined to get shared custody. I am keeping an eye out but suspect he might try and push the DC into writing to the judge. Nothing so far but there are still a couple of weeks to go.

How very stressful!!

From a financial point of view if you wanted to share can you be allocated one child each and him have the eldest meaning that the financial benefit wont last more than a few years anyway?

He is relentless 😳

Wow, his open request to you to commit what amounts to tax fraud sounds like quite powerful evidence that he isn't someone who is likely to be honest in his court docs.

It'll be done soon Jamais and then you can get an injunction banning his trespass in your dreams.