Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

Another hidden bonus is that stops you being swept off your feet into another live in relationship/marriage!!!

That is a very good point!

He is absolutely lovely and i do miss him terribly when he's not here... But i do enjoy having my own space.

I've made it clear that I'm staying put in this house till ds2 leaves school (another 3 years), which means we can enjoy what we've got.

Once this hearing is over we can see each other a little more often if i can be more open with the ds about him.. But equally we are both cautious about respecting them and not moving to fast.

My friends 80 odd year old very active step Mum said "I am happy to pay my own way but I am NEVER washing another pair of man's underpants ever again"

We looked at each at other though "she utterly right!!"

My DH is away for six weeks at the moment, and as much as I quite like the man, I am enjoying not having to cater to his opinions with food, doing his laundry, his mess by the side of the bed, etc. The kids seem more relaxed only having one person to run things by too. (And I’m the tough one, too.)

@jamaisjedors

Is there any way the divorce can be bifurcated? This is where the termination of the marriage happens but the financial and/or child-related issues continue to be litigated. This stops a situation where one party holds the other 'to ransom' by stalling and dragging things out hoping (or forcing) that party to capitulate to their demands in order to gain their freedom.

Is that even a possibility in your jurisdiction?

@AcrossthePond55 I'm hoping that it might be the case that the divorce could come into effect even if the rest is still under discussion.

Will check with my lawyer....

Today we received 25 pages from exh which are all about our marriage (all 20 years of it) ranting and "demonstrating" that I am a dangerous and calculating narcissist...

His own lawyer makes no reference to the document in his conclusions, i assume exh pushed to include it but it doesn't exactly help his case.

I see how far i have come as i laughed out loud at several parts

[quote jamaisjedors]@AcrossthePond55 I'm hoping that it might be the case that the divorce could come into effect even if the rest is still under discussion.

Will check with my lawyer....

Today we received 25 pages from exh which are all about our marriage (all 20 years of it) ranting and "demonstrating" that I am a dangerous and calculating narcissist...

His own lawyer makes no reference to the document in his conclusions, i assume exh pushed to include it but it doesn't exactly help his case.

I see how far i have come as i laughed out loud at several parts [/quote]
perhaps you could release it as a mini series, Im sure its a work of fiction.
Its amazing he wanted to stay married to you, given all he has had to put up with [laugh]

I hadn't realised he part owned the house you now live in
I thought you had moved out of the marital home (which he still lives in, and you still co own) and had rented a house of your own, for some reason.

🙄

"Its amazing he wanted to stay married to you, given all he has had to put up with [laugh]"

This is something that always amazes me. The shock that a 'beloved wife' wants to end a marriage and protests of wanting to 'try again' all the while sending 'nasty-grams' and trying to vilify that same wife in court proceedings.

Men. Can't live with (a lot of) them, can't rip their heads off.

[quote jamaisjedors]@Mix56, one of the big reasons, yes.

Financially he would pay no maintenance, less tax and i would have to share any child benefits etc.

It's my worst nightmare not because of financial reasons, but because i would have to interact with him on a daily/weekly basis about every little detail of the dc's life, every pair of trainers, every pen bought for school...

He originally tried to keep the joint account open to pay for stuff for the dc (again to tell the court there was no need for maintenance). I have closed that account now.[/quote]
Hi Jamais
50/50 in france doesnt mean no maintenance.
Maintenance in a 50/50 situation is calculated based on the difference in income between the two households and us based on the principle of the children’s standard of living but being too different in the two homes. There’s a standard calculation that is applied.
(This is based on first hand experience of two judgements.)

Oh my gosh - so many typos. I hope my post makes a little sense to you despite the typos!

@SpringCrocus hadn't realised he part owned the house you now live in sad
I thought you had moved out of the marital home (which he still lives in, and you still co own) and had rented a house of your own, for some reason.

You are totally right about that.

What i meant was I am going to stay renting where I am for another 3 years as its perfect for me and the dc for the moment and i don't want to move them again. I wouldn't really be keen on moving Mr DJ in here with the dc and so if we did live together one day, it will be once the dc have left home and so we would find a new place together but in the city we both work in, rather the suburbs where i am right now.

The fact that I'm happy to stay renting for another 3 years also helps me stay zen about exh dragging his feet on the divorce and finances.

He may think he is punishing me by making me wait to release the equity on the family home, but in fact I know I would be silly to buy now when I want to move in 3 years, so his procrastination on that front didn't stress me out or feel like it's costing me a fortune in "wasted" rent.

@AcrossthePond55 This is something that always amazes me. The shock that a 'beloved wife' wants to end a marriage and protests of wanting to 'try again' all the while sending 'nasty-grams' and trying to vilify that same wife in court proceedings.

Exactly what exh has been doing!!!!

@Nowthisisme, thanks for the tip about maintenance, my lawyer says that too, even if the income is the same she said it can be easier for one person to deal with buying clothes etc and not have to wrangle over every pair of socks... Can't even imagine that with exh, it's bad enough trying to get him to agree to pay half of medical expenses....

The utter lack of self-reflection and his conviction that other people are chess pieces to be moved around the board at his will for his personal gain is what has left me convinced that he is a genuine psychopath. You and your kids are character parts in his biography.

Just checking back in to say that my next court date is Monday afternoon - in theory the debate was closed but exH asked for an extension in the dates to submit more documents - and was granted it despite me opposing that.

So kind of on the edge of my seat waiting to see what he is going to pull out of his hat now...

One more thing which shows he is totally nuts - he has asked my closest friend to testify in his favour for 50/50 custody

She has said no, of course, but I can't believe the level of delusion and self-deception that it would take to believe that she would do that - she was with me on the day he was taken into the psychiatric unit...

@jamaisjedors

Keep being Zen (aside from when you can't help laughing out loud at his bizarre 'antics').

She has said no, of course, but I can't believe the level of delusion and self-deception that it would take to believe that she would do that - she was with me on the day he was taken into the psychiatric unit...

I laughed out loud myself at that one !

How much junk is he going to pull out at this hearing ? The judge is going to love him !
It's all to do with saving a couple of K ? & punishment for your of course.
I hope the court see him for the idiot bully he is.
I'll be crossing my fingers for you on Monday.

Wow….. He’s really clutching at straws. I wonder if he actually HAS extra junk or if it was a desperate attempt for more time to find some?

@justilou1 I wonder if he actually HAS extra junk or if it was a desperate attempt for more time to find some?

I think you are right, my lawyer has just messaged to say that there won't be any additional conclusions or documents from exh after all .

At least i can relax and enjoy the weekend!

"I think you are right, my lawyer has just messaged to say that there won't be any additional conclusions or documents from exh after all ."

Possibly his lawyer has finally had enough and laughed him out of the room. He's delusional and hopefully gets the treatment he badly needs fo the sake of the DC.

Ha! Well cheers to that, @jamaisjedors! Go and enjoy the sunshine! Hopefully we will get a swift resolution on Monday!

Good luck tomorrow jamaisjedors 🌹

Thinking of your today.

Thanks - will keep you all posted - there will be no decision today, just a brief hearing (this afternoon) and then the judge will say when she will give her decision (probably September).

But I will feel better once today is over.

September

Blimey!!!

How old will the boys be in September?