Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

Suing for a living just about sums him up.. Previously endless disputes with neighbours, colleagues, friends... I didn't 't see the pattern til I left...

I definitely thought i should keep a copy if the emails and keep an eye on things from a distance.

Usually he works himself into a frenzy/rage and then comes crashing down again and falls into a black hole of depression.. That has been the pattern for the last 2 years, possibly longer but it was less obvious before.

DC during the holidays said it was "dad busy" ie non stop, he definitely has shades of bipolar or some kind of mood swing, total workaholic and then total crash and can't get out of bed.

No official diagnosis though, or not shared with me or the court anyway.

If you think he might be about to spiral down into a black hole then the boys need to be prepared to call you to get them if he’s not well at the weekend.

Your boys should know of any future diagnosis so that they are well informed of symptoms of his health condition. This would relieve them of any fears which could build into anxieties and also alert them to any serious symptoms - not different to if their DF was a type 1 diabetic or epileptic for instance - and they should know what to do if anything escalated.

Even if there is no diagnosis yet - but you suspect bi-polar then it might even be worth talking to your boys about mood / behaviour patterns of bi-polar - but not putting a name to it.

I definitely thought i should keep a copy if the emails and keep an eye on things from a distance.

totally agree 🌺

I’m sure you are already rap ware if this but, be on the look out of signs of deterioration in his mental health as a result of his work dramas.

Unfortunately, a degree of judgement will required as to how bad he is and how it will affect the children but you do not want to have him hit rock bottom when he has the children. You may need to take preemptive action to protect them. It will be very difficult to decide if and when you need to act preemptively and doing so could cause more ructions.

I wish you the best with all of this.

Is he likely to be sanctioned at work?
If so, it might set him off on another major episode.
Agreed that you need to have a conversation with the boys,
"You remember how Daddy behaved in a strange way, when he built a shrine & went to work in sandals well there has been an incident af work & so you might need to watch out that he is acting normally, & call me immediately if not

@Mix56 don't think he will be sanctioned at work, public service in France...

But will be warning the DC to let me know if anything is wrong this weekend.

I think I'd be very vague on the details of work by not mentioning them at all. But very specific about the fact you will collect them no questions asked from any situation they feel uncomfortable with.

Possibly in a "look, Dad had some mental health issues before and I just want you both to know that if you are at all worried about him, your safety, or anything then I will be here to support you."

And then give them support without asking questions. You are their rock, hold steady.

Yes, I happily admit to nog knowing ghe best words, but I do know that jamais & his boys could be his target if he blows a fuse

Sorry no glasses & sausage fingers

This is worrying. It's showing that he's not as well as he's been portraying.
Is there a way to forward this to his doctor, lawyer. Someone needs to know he's not well and whether that impacts on him having the children.
Could it be, him winning the overnight thing has now caused him stress actually having to care for the children.

I hope all goes well jamais,
Joyeuses Pacques !

Thanks! The boys had a good weekend with their dad, i think he is in a manic phase so super busy but they are used to that and it's probably better than when he is very low.

He seems to be planning holidays etc.

We'll see what happens and I'll watch out for the low.

The upside of him falling out with people at work is that at least he is focusing on someone else as his "persecutor" rather than me. Maybe I should send his boss the psychologist's report about how exh sees people who disagree with him as persecuting him

Happy Easter!!!

Glad it went well, was looking for this thread as was concerned it May all kick off again.

It's strange now that you are detached from him you can see that he's always been unwell, these patterns have always been there.

Hi Jamais - somehow fell off the thread again, Ex is digging himself a hole as far as his diagnosis is going, isn't he? Fortuitous? How exhausting it must have been to be around for you - feeling the need to placate him all the time, when there is no placating that kind of man. Phew! No longer your problem. I do hope however, that the kids are not covering for him out of a sense of loyalty. (It happens...). Might be worth pointing out that you've had some emails from concerned people, and while you really want to stay out of it, they are to let you know if they are worried at all.

Hope you are still doing ok @jamaisjedors

all good here thanks @RandomMess

Enjoying the holidays, finished up our arguments over finances with my lawyer and now i can forget about that for a while.

Exh seems to be busy falling out with people at work so his focus is elsewhere...

Yesterday ds2 told me he couldn't invite a friend over because the friend's dad is running for the same job as exh at work and so it would be awkward if he dropped ds's friend off to his dad's...

Both ds1 and i pointed out that exh is an adult and that he will have to continue working with this guy whatever happens so they should be able to exchange 2 words at drop off...

DS2 will get there in the end, he is probably still afraid of ex moods and treads on eggshells because that's all he knows what to do.

Thank goodness DS1 seems to be breaking free more quickly.

Glad you're okay OP 🎉🌸

Good that the (very sensible) advice is coming from DS1 and not only you. EXH’a behaviour at work could be very good for you, re - character witnesses if necessary. Bet you’ve had a few comments about how you’ve dodged a bullet. Hope things with DJ are still lovely.

Is he applying for another job because he has pissed everyone else off in his dept ?

at @Mix56!

No he's applying to run the department he works in.

No chance i think but you never know.

If he does get it you can bet I'll be asking him for more maintenance through the court and he'll also be so busy with his important job that he will keep cancelling on the dc...

@justilou1 things with Mr Dj are still lovely, he makes me laugh so much and is so kind, laid back and easy going - miraculous after being with someone so uptight and controlling for so long.❤️

No he's applying to run the department he works in.

Oh Lordy - those poor people if he does get the job! 🌹

I think Mr DJ must be like a cool glass of water after a very loooooooong trek across a hot desert for you, Jamais! You really deserve this!