Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
  
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
  
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.
  

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

[Bluebeanbag]

@Mix56 thank you.
Yes I do. Here's the link.

Bluebeanbag thread

[CyclingMumKent]

@Bluebeanbag

I was! Thank you @RandomMess for the mention. @jamaisjedors I was completely blown away by your thread last summer; it was the turning point for me. I felt like I was reading a diary of my own experiences and the sense of objectivity allowed me to step back and see things for what they really were.

I will be forever grateful that I stumbled across your thread whilst looking at something completely unrelated. Your honesty and determination inspired me to believe that I could walk this path and directly led me to decide that enough was enough. It was the beginning of EVERYTHING for me. It's not an understatement to say that you have changed my life. I truly cannot thank you enough. ❤️💐

Mine too, thank you for this thread. My divorce is proving also very stressful and slow
thank you for the inspiration to free myself 🌹

[Tallisker]

Aww I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy about women helping women. Good luck all of you

[Bluebeanbag]

@Tallisker me too. It's powerful.

[jamaisjedors]

Very powerful! Life-changing in fact.

[NettleTea]

I think its amazing, that not only is @jamaisjedors gradulally managing to disentangle herself (although I would have been happier had it been much faster, as no doubt she would have been too) but that the strength she has shown has inspired so many others to get out of the quagmire too.

[WickedStepmomNOT]

@NettleTea

I think its amazing, that not only is @jamaisjedors gradulally managing to disentangle herself (although I would have been happier had it been much faster, as no doubt she would have been too) but that the strength she has shown has inspired so many others to get out of the quagmire too.

Absolutely! I have been lurking silently willing @jamaisjedors on since thread 3 (went back and read first 2), and showed her threads to my cousin who was heading towards a similar situation - she got out with her two DC after only six years wasted with exh.To be fair, the DC are wonderful so exh did play a small but vital role with that!

I hope things go well for jamais and look forward to her next update. I hope she and her two DS - and MrDJ! - stay safe and enjoy their lives.

Here in UK we are just finding out more about the murder-suicide of a whole family - chillingly the marriage is described as 'perfect' to outsiders...

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/02/10/epsom-college-emma-pattison-george-gun-what-happened-why/

[jamaisjedors]

Oh that story has been chilling me 😔. I don't want to be dramatic but i truly empathised with the whole "perfect family from the outside" thing.

With exh we hosted a NYE party just the night before I told him I was leaving and no-one of the people there saw anything amiss.

When I see these kind of stories I kind of hope that the judge who decides on our divorce will have seen them too and realise that contrary to what exh says, myself and the children were in very real danger when Exh had his psychotic break.

Ex is still maintaining that I am making everything up and that a successful woman like myself could never be scared of little old him...


On another note, just started the half term holiday with another ream of accusations about fraud and finances so need to see my lawyer again to reply... Again....

I am having "trapped" nightmares again (at least exh is not directly in them anymore, he used to show up regularly in my nightmares) and feel like this is never going to end 😩

[WickedStepmomNOT]

I am having "trapped" nightmares again (at least exh is not directly in them anymore, he used to show up regularly in my nightmares) and feel like this is never going to end 😩

It is going to end! Despite his shenanigans, he is only delaying the inevitable and one day - soon - it will be over. You'll have your decision and directly or indirectly he will fade from your dreams which will be full of music and light and lovely things.

[Raindancer411]

@jamaisjedors Hang in there, there is a light at the end of that tunnel, closer than you think.

[pussycatinfluffyslippers]

@jamaisjedors I take it you've had someone go through his finances with a very fine sieve? Try to put the miserable old sod out of your mind while you're enjoying a break with your boys.

[Mix56]

Oh God, I hope the judge takes a very poor view of his stalling bollocks.
He really is the most devious manipulative piece if shit.
The kids will be major & out if the equation soon. This dragging it out is so clearly about punishment & his pot of gold.

[Wombats67]

Tell him it's projection & it may be time to delve into his finances. 😁

[Bluebeanbag]

@jamaisjedors I need to catch up on all that has gone on for you, but sending hugs, strength and 💐 The nightmares sound horrible. I second putting him out of your head to try and enjoy the half term if you can.

[PourPatrol]

I have been following both @jamaisjedors and @Bluebeanbag for quite some time. You're both amazing and so strong. I'm at the beginning of all of it and ive Had loads of helpful support on here already. Now just need to find it IRL. I've hopefully got another 60 years on this planet (!) and it cannot be spent listening and hiding from my husband's rage and bullshit. Thank you for keeping on sharing stuff on here. There are hundreds of us taking reassurance and encouragement from it. I hope you both find your total freedom soon x

[WickedStepmomNOT]

Handhold to you @PourPatrol - sending strength and good wishes for you to recover your life too..

[Bluebeanbag]

@PourPatrol thank you. I hope you find your way forward very soon. I was in your position for quite a long time. I knew I had to do something about it, but just couldn't take the first steps. In the end, the scales shifted (thanks to Jamais and a close friend IRL), the balance changed for me and I couldn't NOT do something about it. I felt like I was propelled into action. Hand holding here too for you.

[RobertsRadio]

Hello @jamaisjedors, how are you?
Been thinking about you recently and wondered if your divorce seems any closer. I'm really hoping that 2023 is the year of your legal release from fuckwit features.

[jamaisjedors]

@RRobertsRadio Hi! Thanks for thinking of me 🤗. Everything is OK, just waiting for my lawyer towrite up her conclusions from our last couple of meetings, we have to reply to Exh's pages of ranting again...
She hopes this will be the last round of back and forth as she has seen the judge who says she wants to move things on.

We may have a divorce before the summer but I'm not getting my hopes up too much.

Trying not to let it affect my quality of life and generally succeeding.. Although what I suspect is perimenopause is messing with my sleep big time 😩.

Seeing a doctor on Monday to talk about that and maybe get some treatment.


Will update on divorce news probably in about 10 days - might have a new hearing date by then. 🤞

Hope all the other brave women breaking free are doing ok? 😘

[TalliskerMcSpeculate]

Remind me when this started jamais? I've read all your threads more or less in real time but my meno brain doesn't allow me to remember some stuff 🙄

[RobertsRadio]

Thanks for the update. It sounds, dare I say, a little more positive regarding the divorce, especially if the judge is as good as her word, fingers crossed.

Ah, the good old perimenopause, eh. Hopefully the Dr will be able to suggest something to help, with France's excellent healthcare service, I'm sure he will.

[Daftapath]

Fingers crossed for an end to this for you @jamaisjedors. It would be lovely for you all (the boys too) to get to a point where stbxh's games no longer have any power. I'm sure that he will try to control you but the power will be gone.

This is the stage I am at and it feels so good to be able to ignore anything I don't like!

[GeorgesMarvelousCalpol]

Oh @jamaisjedors, it does sound positive! Fingers crossed for you that it ends soon.
What is your exH getting out of it? Your DC must be nearly adults by now (iirc one is already 18?) So it's not like he's fighting for custody.
Your strength has always been inspiring 🥰
You're so close I can imagine when it's all over we'll all give a huge sigh of relief!

[Bluebeanbag]

Good to hear the judge wants to move things on. Cheering you on from the sidelines here jamais. Can't wait to see your update when it's all finally done. 💐

[NettleTea]

glad the judge is getting fed up with his dragging things out. Its not going to be a good look for him, is it.