Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

As the Churchill dog would say 'oh, yes'

<renews passport>

A very Merry Christmas to you jamais

Im already on the same side if the water.
This could be fun

Very long-time reader here... thanks for still updating, Jamais, and best of luck for next year.

can i come to the party lol 😂 you helped me get out of my marriage and my DH is now dragging the divorce too. He is very vindictive, I m still learning from your ex as it helps me predict what the next move of mine will be.
great you come back with updates
joyeux noel

I seem to have been reading your posts for such a long time @jamaisjedors , every time I think you're getting somewhere the rotten bugger finds a way to frustrate you. I don't know where you get your patience from but I hope in 2023 you will finally get there! Have a happy Christmas and make sure to divorce the nasty little man at last

I've been following you since you first posted... and been rooting for you... I don't comment much but my goodness you are such a strong woman and a lovely mother...
I've had a few friends go through similar...the silences to punish them..the demanding 50/50 etc etc..all the things your stbx..(very soon tbxh I hope)... I tell them all about you and the fantastic advice from other posters... I'll be cheering you on in January ❤️...

Here's hoping 2023 is the year it actually happens! Thanks to all for still being there.

The court-designated solicitor finally sent us his "report" on finances which consists of a few scribbled pencil notes in the margin of letters sent by my lawyer - but the whole thing is nearly 100pages long with all the documents - god knows what the judge is going to do with that.

But at least that means that exh has to stick to the schedule and hand in his next set of conlusions by the 5th of January - we'll see what he says then and might get some more dates for 2023.
@CyclingMumKent good to hear from you but sorry things are crappy - but is your life much better despite exh's vindictiveness?

I can't remember how long your financial report was but if your DH's version is nearly 100 pages long with attachments, it shows that he cannot stick to the brief of, actually, being brief with his comments. He waffles and goes off the point to try to deflect and obfuscate (love that word). While rulings and decisions may be long and technical, there is no reason in the world why the parties need to add to it. I don't think you did so I think with your preparations, the judge is more likely to look favourably on someone who does what they are asked to do and not go OTT on the supporting documentation.

Best of luck on 5th!

2023 just has to be your year!!!

Bloody hell, that's some bedtime reading @jamaisjedors

I take it you're going thru it line by line with a highlighter pen and taking notes.

2023 has got to be the year...he really can't drag this out much longer.
Your boys will be men before he's noticed - they're 15 and 18 now aren't they? I'd still be furious he'd missed the best "growing up" years of their lives.

I hope you and MrDJ are still having lost of fun and wish you both a very happy new year. 🥂

Presumably you can go through and summarise it with referencing/annotations? Anything to make it easier for the judge to actually make a ruling?

Sounds like it is full of rantings and false justification rather than facts.

Crikey @jamaisjedors I hope this ends soon for you. I do remember a post back in the mists of time about a disco/partying in the fields - twas a typ but we latched on to it. We'd all gladly party in the fields with you at the end of this 🥳

"The court-designated solicitor finally sent us his "report" on finances which consists of a few scribbled pencil notes in the margin of letters sent by my lawyer."

My God, how on earth is he (I'm guessing it is a he) getting away with doing such a sloppy and unprofessional job. Surely he should have actually put the work in and prepared an actual report. What is the imbecile actually being paid for?

Did the scribbled note read "This is the biggest crock of shit I've ever read"? Or maybe "TL;dr"?

^ Above referring to STBX's financials of course. Not @jamaisjedors lawyer letters

His lawyer is a joke, having delayed over & over he hasn't even bothered to do a succinct list.
Im amazed XH has allowed this sloppy nonsense

Im amazed XH has allowed this sloppy nonsense

I'm not. From all I've read, he seems to relish causing as much trouble as he can.

So to clarify, this "report" is from the neutral solicitor designated by the court (on exh's request).

It consists of the "minutes" of the various meetings we've had with him, ALL the documents we've supplied or he has requested (this includes on exh's part 10 years of bank statements from his charity because we asked one question about it...) and then the various letters sent back and forth between our lawyers about different parts of the finances.

Unfortunately there is no attempt to clarify or summarise arguments or numbers, just an excel table at one point which was full of mistakes.

Actually both I and exh are pretty fed up of it because it costs us a fortune to have the lawyers there each time and to send each separate remark through them.

Although that is entirely exh's fault as he requested this procedure. We could have just gone to a solicitor ourselves to draw up a project and communicate all information directly.

However at least this way I have someone on my side and don't have to speak to him directly.

Not sure what the judge is going to do with this, we'll see what exh replies this week and then I will see my lawyer and we will try to draw up a concise, summary of what has been agreed and what is still left to argue over.

Fun times!

Blimey, I've just read through all the threads & I'm exhausted. You could write a book.

One very brave lady! 😊

DC sound great too. 👌

I lost your thread so happy I found it again

I came believe this process you must be so sick of it but THIS IS YOUR YEAR

@jamaisjedors @Bluebeanbag was just saying how you were her inspiration for leaving her abusive DH.

I hope you are keeping well treading water waiting for the next court date

I was! Thank you @RandomMess for the mention. @jamaisjedors I was completely blown away by your thread last summer; it was the turning point for me. I felt like I was reading a diary of my own experiences and the sense of objectivity allowed me to step back and see things for what they really were.

I will be forever grateful that I stumbled across your thread whilst looking at something completely unrelated. Your honesty and determination inspired me to believe that I could walk this path and directly led me to decide that enough was enough. It was the beginning of EVERYTHING for me. It's not an understatement to say that you have changed my life. I truly cannot thank you enough. ❤️💐

You are both amazing !

Thanks @RandomMess for the tag and wow to @Bluebeanbag, do you have your own thread? I'll look you up..... Once the blinkers come off it is just amazing how differently everything looks, isn't it?