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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

769 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/01/2021 07:40

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there ! Grin

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

  • waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
  • still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
  • waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you Smile

OP posts:
FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 17/08/2022 09:26

Hey @jamaisjedors, sounds like you're in a good place (despite the play acting of exh). Hope you've had a fabulous summer.

Lunde · 14/10/2022 23:45

Has there been any progress since the summer?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 19/10/2022 12:27

Hi,been meaning to update for a while.

Had a great summer and have been trying to forget about the divorce proceedings as much as possible.

However we have just received word that exH is now refusing my request for a divorce on the basis of 2 year separation (it's now been 3... [

He is applying for a "fault" divorce because abandonned the family home without warning and abandonned him in his hour of need.

Obviously I have some evidence to counter this but it's just SO disheartening and exhausting to be back raking over it all again.

I had been feeling great and now this has really hit me where it hurts...

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 19/10/2022 12:54

Oh what an absolute cockwomble. Typical of him though - hopefully your shl can deal with most of this nonsense? As if you needed any reminder as to why you’re divorcing him…..

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 19/10/2022 13:01

He's always in an hour of need ffs. Appalling that he can string you along and "punish" you like this.

Trethew · 19/10/2022 13:28

Oh dear. I’m so sorry. I really thought you were nearly there.

NotLactoseFree · 19/10/2022 13:42

Oh FFS. He's such a controlling dick. I mean, does it even make a difference at this point? It's not like if you're considered to have abandoned him there's some benefit to him? What does the judge think will happen, "Oh, OP was MEAN so I'll give him the whole house instead of just half the house?"

Especially considering you have continued to be the primary parent etc etc etc.

Sorry OP. From your first thread (I was there - different name) it has been SOOOO obvious that he is just a controlling prick who isn't happy unless he has you unsettled and unbalanced and attempting to please him.

Pashazade · 19/10/2022 13:42

Oh Jamais so sorry to hear this, can he get put back in his box for trying to waste court time at this point? Hang on in there. Flowers

Mix56 · 19/10/2022 13:47

Oh what a tosser. Sorry Jamais, I agree that the judge should tell him that 3 years down the line this doesn't alter the fact that the divorce is happening.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/10/2022 13:56

Aw Jamais - I'm so sorry to read your update. I would hope that your lawyer would go into the judge and, hopefully without you needing to be there too, argue your case that this does not meet his change of heart definition of a 'fault divorce' and you want to proceed as originally planned.
Is that something that your lawyer can do on your behalf??

oobeedoobee · 19/10/2022 14:18

What does your solicitor say about this Jamais ?

How long might it hold things up, if at all ? And would it be simpler to 'agree' with this, as long as it won't alter the final settlements ?

forrestgreen · 19/10/2022 15:04

What
A
Knob

AcrossthePond55 · 19/10/2022 15:23

I just don't understand it! How can he change horses in mid-stream like that and what difference does it make why a divorce happens? Would it be to his financial advantage to do this or is he just being a prick? I hope to God this doesn't 'reset the clock' and you don't have to start all over again.

It's beyond me that in the 21st century any country's divorce laws can be so, well, draconian as to keep someone locked in a marriage they do not want and is as dead as a doornail.

Magenta82 · 19/10/2022 15:26

Surely the time for him to try for a fault divorce was when the "abandonment" happened? Not three years later!

Is there a benefit to him doing it this way under French law? Could it lead to a more advantageous settlement?

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 19/10/2022 15:50

Magenta82 · 19/10/2022 15:26

Surely the time for him to try for a fault divorce was when the "abandonment" happened? Not three years later!

Is there a benefit to him doing it this way under French law? Could it lead to a more advantageous settlement?

Yes as the act to be used for a fault divorce has to have happened with so many months. I think 6 months off the top of my head.

Also a 'fault' divorce has no impact on the finances in this country!

Theluggagerules · 19/10/2022 16:32

Oh you must be so annoyed! At least he's consistent in being awful, you'd never pick someone like him again. I don't know anything about the French legal system but won't they just laugh at him now?

IVbumble · 19/10/2022 17:04

Pashazade · 19/10/2022 13:42

Oh Jamais so sorry to hear this, can he get put back in his box for trying to waste court time at this point? Hang on in there. Flowers

I love the idea of putting him back in his box OP.

It's almost like a halloween jack in the box that jumped up just to frighten you.

Remember all the work you have done to not give him the power to do that anymore. You are still strong - even in the wobbly moments.

He holds no power over you.

FinallyHere · 19/10/2022 17:13

what difference does it make why a divorce happens?

So sorry to read that you are still having your 'nose tweaked' by this pathetic excuse for a man.

I do hope this is just the dying throes of his persecution of you.

Hope your own solicitor can find a good way forward for you. All the very best.

RandomMess · 19/10/2022 18:04

What a prick I hope you can slap him with your legal fees Angry

Hepzibar · 19/10/2022 19:16

Oh Jamais will this never end for you.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 19/10/2022 19:53

Can he do that? Can you not just keep pushing ahead with the divorce that you have already started?

Wallywobbles · 19/10/2022 20:05

Jamais does he still have a lawyer? This is madness.

MsPavlichenko · 19/10/2022 20:16

It’s about the control isn’t it ? You’re feeling great, you’re getting on with your life and he can’t stand it. This is all he can do, the DC are growing up so fewer opportunities to use them to manipulate you. I’m sure your lawyer will advise re options. But, for you , try not to let him get to you. Control what you can which is your reaction. Pretend you don’t care until you don’t etc.

It’s shit and he is too. But as they say, this too will pass …

Sicario · 20/10/2022 09:04

What a complete dick. Just keep your eyes on the prize. You'll be rid of him soon one way or another. He was never going to make it easy. Sending solidarity as one who has been there.

RobertsRadio · 20/10/2022 13:56

He is pathetic and has no self respect. Anyone with a modicum of dignity would not behave like this. It's the last frantic thrashing of a man who knows he is on the cusp of losing his control over you and is desperate to keep you tied to him in any way he can. I am sorry that you were shackled for so many years to such an odious creature, but you will be free soon one day. Courage mon brave.