Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

@jamaisjedors just another fan/admirer here in awe of how amazing you are and how far you've come! I don't think I've replied on your threads before, I do remember coming across one of your earlier threads and thinking how familiar it sounded, at that point I also had doubts and was considering whether to separate from my husband. There's been a lot of similar stuff like the silent treatment as well as full on temper tantrums where he's thrown/broken stuff etc. Just to add to the mix there's also been things that he's done that have now broken my trust in him and I've really struggled to get it back to be quite honest.

We've been living apart for a few weeks but every time I see him I always feel really sad after and I've started wavering and thinking I miss him, and thinking about the good times we've had. Not to mention I'm 36 with two kids and worried no one decent will ever want me 😐but anyway. I've just read all of your threads from start to finish and seeing how well you're doing has strengthened my resolve to see this through, so thank you. I hope you're doing OK and all the divorce stuff gets sorted really soon, you've waited long enough now!

@MyDogLucy worried no one decent will ever want me
This should not be a reason to stay in a bad relationship. Life isn't all about being coupled up.
You should do the best for you and your children.

The sadness when you see your ex husband is grief for the life you had, the life you thought was coming and the person he was at the beginning/the person you thought he was.
It is not because you miss the abusive twat.

You are doing great and life will be so much easier and nicer once he's not living with you and you're divorced.

Thank you @SortingItOut I think you are spot on there. I feel such massive loss about our lovely family life together but in reality I never really had that, it's more the loss of what I thought I'd have. When he's not around I feel sadness and like I miss him but when I do have to see him I just feel constantly anxious until he's gone again. I guess I just need to see this through until it starts getting easier. Thank you I really appreciate your comment

@MyDogLucy I’m in a situation very similar to yours except that I’m a different age (still
in my 30s though) and have one child. I still feel melancholy when I see my STBXH even though he has not been a husband to me all these years-neither emotionally, nor sexually or financially even. Trust me, what you & I feel when we see our insignificant (soon to be ex)others is just the fear of leaving a “known evil”. Change can be daunting even if it means a better life going ahead. Life isn’t about having a life partner. Life is about living it the best you can given your means.

We’ve got just this one life and it makes no sense spending it with a bellend for a husband. Stay strong on your resolve. You have more potential than you think you do. Twats like my husband and the ilk (excuse me for taking the liberty to include your husband in this category) can rob their poor unsuspecting wives of the very last drib of selfconfidence. Don’t let such tacts make you believe that you are undesirable. Besides, the route to happiness in life are not one but many, being desired by someone romantically is just one of many routes, not the one and only. There is more to life than just shacking up with somebody just because society dictates one must do so. Go free. Liberate yourself. Bid good riddance to bad rubbish. See how different & how light the air you inhale will feel once you release yourself from the clutches of a bad marriage.

@MyDogLucy
@Confuseddamsel123

It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were.

@MyDogLucy I'm glad the threads have been helpful to you but sorry you are in a similar situation. I can certainly relate to the nostalgia or the melancholy... I'm still gutted things didn't work out with exH and will always be sad about it I think. Sad for me, for him, for the kids, for everyone. There was so much potential there but looking back I know I made the right decision.

I can't predict the future obviously, but certainly "someone decent" wanted/wants me (in fact several would have to my surprise! [

But I only "put myself out there" when I had given myself time to grieve and heal. Even then I wasn't really looking for something serious, MR DJ has taken me by surprise. He's not perfect, noone is, but the respect and love he shows for me is astounding (or what I would deserve, as he would say[ and I realise how low my self esteem was before and how low I set the bar with exH.

Good luck !

Totally OT but I'm in France too and have been having that strange issue with the closed bracket coming up as a square bracket instead of the usual round one. What is that about?

Regarding everything else... Wow. Your older posts have consumed most of my evening and jumping through this more recent one it's so good to hear you've moved on and that you and your DC are in a good place x

@twokidstwowheels 😂😂 glad it's not just me, can't do brackets at all it's driving me crazy... Not sure why when I try to close the brackets it comes up as a square one...

And yes, we are all in a good place now even if this divorce will probably drag on till ds2 leaves school in 2 years' time... 😭

Oh I hope it wont be another two years!

Just keep mentally detached he is just looking ever more like an arse to everyone that knows him!

@jamaisjedors
Keep going. Your boys are old enough now to simply go or not to dads aren't they!
I'm in similar situation, though my divorce was quicker in UK at 2 years as kids/finance dragged - he is awkward to say the least, and similar problems to your ex.
Followed the contact arrangements for little over a year, and hey ho he's taking me back to court to change them. Idiot man, my kids like yours are teens, my eldest 17!

Before they all turn 18 I think I'll just keep being called back to court...men huh!

Fingers crossed it won't be another 2 years but I am preparing for it as I have so many times thought it was nearly over and then I'm still here... See the thread title!!!

The latest news is a couple more back and forth dates via the lawyers and then an actual real court hearing last week in November.

It means I have a definite time line which is helpful... But exh will probably appeal any decision made in November so no thread titles announcing divorce in 2023😭.

How many appeal opportunities does he get?

Am sure I am not the only Mumsnetter thinking of a French holiday with a heavy shovel.

It's so ridiculous and unfair how the law can be abused by abusive men to continue their abuse of the poor women trying to get free of their abusive clutches. I'd definitely be up for a holiday in La Belle France 🇫🇷 with my shovel and pickaxe.

How long is he allowed to drag this out for? Why is French law forcing you to still be married to him when you don’t want to be?

It’s intolerable.

See if by chatting to your solicitor, whether they can do anything to speed up the process for you? You're not living together and you want to carry on with your life so why do you have to stay married (in the eyes of the law) to anyone longer than absolutely necessary. This is cruel to anyone having to stay married to someone they don't want to be. Surely to goodness there is some EU legislation that can be implemented to sever the ties that bind you???

I really really hope it happens for you @jamaisjedors and sooner rather than later.

My lawyer (handling the divorce[ pushed hard for an earlier date but the solicitor (handling the finances[ has asked to have until end of September to finalise his report (snail's pace... been back and forth to his office since January 2020[

Then exh has 2 weeks to give his "conclusions"/arguments after the financiel report, we have another month to reply to them and then there is the hearing.

At least having a schedule means I know what the upcoming dates are and also am not constantly on edge over the summer waiting to hear from my lawyer or the judge.

After that exH (or I![[ can appeal the judge's decision after the hearing, but only the once. He originally appealed the first, temporary/interim, judge's decision - which was meant to be in the interim between separation and actual divorce.

But the appeal can go back and forth for months or even years with each side producing evidence, this is what happened with the first appeal which went on for 18months or more.

Anyway... exH has recently emailed me to announce that he won't be taking the kids overnight on a Wednesday from September so I am a lot less stressed that he will be demanding 50/50 custody in October...

Anyway... exH has recently emailed me to announce that he won't be taking the kids overnight on a Wednesday from September so I am a lot less stressed that he will be demanding 50/50 custody in October...

Make sure your solicitor know he doesn't want to see his own kids.
Also, even though they're pretty independent now, I take it he's happy to pay some (extra) maintenance (compensation) for you taking care of his sons during his contact time?

I bet he still tries. He’s oblivious and entitled.

I hope the boys have matured enough to see how selfish he has always been as stop feeling sorry for him.

Age appropriate truth is so important!

Are the boys seeing through him more?

Are the boys seeing through him more?

I've separated and hopefully will be divorced in the next few months. It's interesting as both my dd loved their dad very much as kids, he was always the fun one. I did all the grunt work, including planning the activities that he had fun at!! But since his affair has come out, the girls are way more attuned to his bullish!t. I try very hard never to diss him but I am honest. Eg he made a very generous promise re splitting pensions and I told the girls, he's since gone back on that, and they're aware of that too.

I came across a reference to these threads and have read through them. Go you! I too have a story about an ex, sulks and abuse. The damage he leaves behind him...disengaging is such a process particularly when you have children. Will be following with interest and cheering you on.

Thanks @longingforalife , you are right about disengaging being a process. I am getting there but it's been a long road. Am feeling reasonably detached abouth things at the moment, probably the holidays are helping.
Have a good summer everyone !😎