Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

Keep going OP!

my god, he is providing his own rope at least, in the final run up

I am going to throw into this that despite the fact that he clearly ISN’T, EX will want 50/50 because he believes he’s doing 50/50. He has always relegated the “not my job” tasks to @jamaisjedors , and as long as he’s seen the kids or given the idea that he’s tried to, but their “not my jobs” have interfered with his time, he’s going to play victim again. (She keeps organizing things on my time/letting the kids organize things!!!)

So... we can keep the bets open on what exH is going to ask for custody-wise as after me being on tenterhooks all week waiting for his "conclusions", the virtual hearing was today and he hasn't submitted them.

His lawyer says they need more time as the solicitor has not submitted his report on the financial split yet.

My lawyer has obviously said that there is no need to the financial information to be able to divorce and settle custody, it can legally be done separately and there is nothing to stop us moving forward with the procedure.

Apparently the judge will give her decision by the end of the week or early next week (regarding delaying the process again[.

Definitely a hostage situation and I will be fuming if he is given more time after THREE YEARS of back and forth and expert reports etc.

Yoga tonight thank god....

Can’t your lawyer use these unnecessary delays as further proof of coercive control/abuse?

Well I lost you!!

Glad to have found the thread again but frustrated he's still being a complete shit.

Nope you don't badmouth but be factual.

Wednesday is your Dad's day with you he needs to arrange transport or give you bus money etc etc

The weekends issue - erm no it's your weekend with your Dad you sort it with him.

Dad's loneliness - well why do you think he is lonely, what is he doing about it? I would also pull up DS2 on his sulking, it's a learned behaviour he can change.

Dear God, your sons will be in their forties by the time you rid yourself of this carbuncle. I know France is quite a conservative country, but their legal system is in dire need of an overhaul if they think it is acceptable for your husband to continually block you from divorcing him and refusing to hand over your share of the marital finances. It's 2022 not 1952!

I'm so angry for you, and completely in awe at your calmness and grace at all his fuckwittery. I'd like to kick him in the goolies, the odious little turd.

Wow, Jamais - I do agree with PPs about your calmness and resilience. That yoga must be pretty good stuff!

Do you think he's actually trying to 'time out' the custody hearing so the boys reach 18 before it's resolved? (That way he wouldn't ever look the bad guy and have to admit he doesn't actually want them 50/50? ) Or just spin everything out for as long as possible to retain control over you?

I suppose to be fair to him (why should we?) his failure to deal with anything is more likely a symptom of his ropey mental health than any actual planned strategy or manipulation. The good side for you must be that surely it will play into your hands in court. He's demonstrating clearly that he really isn't the caring father ready, able and desperate to take on shared care of his boys that he claims to be.

Hope apart from this hiccup that life is good for you.

Hopefully the judge will see it for what it is, game playing
What a Dick.
Sorry Jamais, I have a friend who is living this hell at the moment,
I agree that the system is appalling, she has to live in the house with him, for up to 2 years or as long as he drags it out.
if not its "abandon de domicile",
What kind of madness is this ?

Bloody HELL!! He is a piece of work.

Sounds as if your lawyer is talking about bifurcation. After three years I can't believe a judge even has to give it more than a second's thought before agreeing.

Could the family home do with a new patio?

What an ARSEHOLE!!! Surely the judge will get the shits… He does this every bloody time!

BTW, I have long been suggesting a Mumsnet Landscaping and Patios Company.

Hello @jamaisjedors
I have just read the thread and feel like I now have a dear friend, your experiences are so similar to mine! The sulking, the disputes with colleagues, friends and neighbours, the protracted leaving process, the pleas from him reconciliation while divorce proceedings from him were in the post (did you get poetry too?),

Oops pressed the wrong button there!
The suspicion of hidden accounts, the worry about leaving the children with him, the self-pity he subjects the children to, the effing selfishness of him and infuriating lack of insight into his own sanctimoniousness. Tirades of unfounded accusations treated as fact. Actually thinking/fantasising that life would be easier if he were dead.
We are, now, fortunately, divorced - at a cost of probably £30, 000 each, a lot of this attributable to his many letters and queries on every tiny thing. all the while providing financial information my solicitor described as nebulous.
Almost ten years on and no regrets whatsoever. I never see him or speak to him other than in the blandest text/email, Responding in any detail just adds fuel to his fire.
He is still regularly trying to stop paying the quite small amount of child maintenance he provides by insisting care is, or should be 50:50, when it is not even on the overnights and he works a long distance away while I do all the day to day childcare on his 'days'. Fortunately, we had no court order for care so his appeal is regularly dismissed by the CMS service. This is nothing to do with his children but mainly financial as he has insisted on staying in the large family home and I believe had to remortgage (the judge said flatly that neither of us would be able to continue to live in the manner we were accustomed to, but he seems to feel that by leaving him I have unfairly deprived him of his living standards - never mind the years of deprivation I suffered trying to support him in his moods and feuds!)
I am very happy to read how things are working out for you and so glad that you have met a good one - I don't think I will ever be ready to trust another man but am not at all worried by that.

@Fraaahnces

Mumsnet Landscaping and Patios Company.

Where do I sign up ?

@Twillow - would save Mumsnetters a lot of time and money in the long run. (And stress)

Wow @Twillow that story is impressively close to mine - just minus the poetry although the emails asking for "reconciliation" were pretty flowery !!!!

So weird how similar stories can be - but also so sorry to hear that 😫

I understand what you mean about never trusting another man again. I feel bad for Mr DJ that I am always slightly on edge about what the future holds and wanting to protect myself but he knows the deal and sees first hand how exhausting the divorce process is. He would love to get married down the line but I'm not sure I could do it - unless I had a very firm pre-marriage contract in place and a lot of legal advice...

Anywhere, nowhere near that for the moment.

The judge has given exH another month to get his conclusions in and we have FINALLY had the solicitor's report about splitting the finances. The solicitor wants to see us one more time in the hope of an amicable split. I think he's totally over-optimistic but at least we have a report now and most of the finances are ironed out - still a few accusations of fraud floating around and a couple of points to (dis[agree on so I suspect the report will just be submitted to the judge for her to decide - which could mean an appeal from exH if he doesn't like the result.

No matter, the divorce seems to be moving along independantly and actually right now it's not really in exH's favour to drag things out as financially he will have to cough up for half a "rent" for every month he is in the family home - stupid if he is planning on buying me out which is the plan for the moment.

But then his logic astounds me over and over again so we'll just have to see.

Tentative thoughts of a divorce early 2023 if I am lucky, with a financial settlement who knows when !

Jamais, he will appeal, you already know it.

Was it 2019 this started?

Will be no child arrangements required at this snail pace.

@Mix56 yes you are right, of course he will appeal 🙄

As @RandomMess says, yes the process started in May 2019 and yes the kids will be adults by the time it ends... Ds1 will be 18 in September and ds2 only has 2 more years of school left even if he won't be 18, we won't be having custody arrangements for a university student 🤣.

My first thread was in December 2018 😮😯😲....

Geez I meant 2018 then 😳

This guy would drag it out until either he or Jamais eventually die of old age. He will always insist that he is a victim and everything is something that Jamais did to him. Also, a truckload of gaslighty BS about everything he ever did to support her, get her where she is in her career and how much he does for the boys. Barf…

Can't believe it started in 2018 😲
I've said it before @jamaisjedors , you've the patience of a Saint!