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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

769 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/01/2021 07:40

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there ! Grin

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

  • waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
  • still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
  • waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you Smile

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 16/04/2022 19:14

I think there's a difference between bad mouthing, and repeating exh words back to them and asking them to think about whether they make sense.

WildWombat · 18/04/2022 18:24

I've been following your story for several threads now and I have to say you're such an example to women of how to react with grace and dignity to the machinations of egotistic men. What a ridiculous song and dance exH is making of all this! What on earth is he going to fill his life with when this is finally all done and dusted?! Are divorces in France often this complicated or is this all down to him?

NettleTea · 23/04/2022 19:31

the new Mumsnet deleted all my watched threads. luckily I found you. Hope its all rolling along smoothly and Easter went OK

Fraaahnces · 25/04/2022 01:37

For some reason the new update had hidden you. It says I’m still following you, but you were nowhere to be found. I also have rsi from scrolling to the end. Sigh… Hope all is well with you and yours and the ex is bored enough to allow for a divorce asap.

Fraaahnces · 25/04/2022 01:38

Oh, and I have name changed. This is your friendly Aussie. Just had some personal things happening that made me somewhat identifiable.

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 25/04/2022 18:52

I've spent the best part of a week reading all your threads @jamaisjedors , and I just wanted to say You're Amazing!!
Wishing you nothing but the best for a fabulous (sulk-free) future Smile

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 25/04/2022 18:53

I've spent the best part of a week reading all your threads @jamaisjedors , and I just wanted to say You're Amazing!!
Wishing you nothing but the best for a fabulous (sulk-free) future Smile

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 25/04/2022 18:56

Sorry about double post! New site issues 😒

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 26/04/2022 18:59

forrestgreen · 16/04/2022 19:14

I think there's a difference between bad mouthing, and repeating exh words back to them and asking them to think about whether they make sense.

You are right, I need to encourage the DS to think for themselves regarding their dad. They are so formatted to take his needs into account first that they don't even know they are doing it - probably because I did it so long too ! Currently having to deal with the fact that despite Wednesday being their dad's "day", he is refusing to drive them to the various things they have to do tomorrow (sports competition, dentist ... and asking them to get the bus (which I pay for of course !

I've written to him to get it in writing that he is not taking them - despite having fought so hard to have them every week. But the kids just assume it is too much to ask dad to drive them around so as soon as he expresses any reservations they leap to find an alternative solution - bus, mum....

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 26/04/2022 19:02

@Fraaahnces hello Aussie friend !!! Hope you are ok? EX seems intent on dragging things out as long as possible so no end in sight, even 2023 might be ambitious... but I know I can do this !

@GeorgesMarvelousCalpol hello there - impressive reading !!! Thanks for your post - sulk-free life agrees with me so far (although DS2 has tendancies that way - which have incidently got better since we left home[.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 26/04/2022 21:32

Good grief! It may be ex’s decrepitude that wins in the end (and the French lawyers’s pockets!)

Newestname002 · 27/04/2022 10:11

It's incredible, @jamaisjedors, that this is still going on. What strength and patience you've had to get to this point - you do sound very different (in a positive way) to the person who wrote the first post so long ago.

I hope there is a light at the end of this long tunnel and that your DS are coping. Onwards and upwards! 🌹

TheThreadisMildlyAmusing · 27/04/2022 10:53

It seems incredible that he is still living in the family home with no end in sight for you to receive your share or unshackle yourself legally from old Twatface. I know French bureaucracy is world famous, but this is on another level.

However, having followed your threads from the beginning, (with a couple of names changes along the way) you sound like an entirely different person now and Vive la Differance.

I really hope for your sake that your freedom comes this year, but as you say even if it tips into 2023, you definitely can do this.

gungemonster · 27/04/2022 13:27

I fell off the thread. Glad you're still here

Mix56 · 27/04/2022 14:50

Well he can hardly claim wanting more contact time, if in the small amount he has, he can't be arsed to do the basics for them.
Everyone knows that Wednesdays are full of all the sport & ortho dentist running around.

Ugh

forrestgreen · 27/04/2022 18:11

Ds' thanks for letting me know about your dad not being able to take you on Wednesday. I've emailed him to clarify this as he's spent so long getting to this point I want to find out what the problem is. As it's dads day he's in change, so if he's not taking you, you can ask him to send you the bus fare.

Put the problem back at their doors. The kids need to open their eyes more and stop seeing you as the problem solver.

Fraaahnces · 28/04/2022 09:50

Actually agree there @jamaisjedors. You’re not just opening their eyes to their father’s nincompoopery (new word… you’re welcome.) but also training them to think for themselves AND how to be a partner in a relationship. Whether or not your boys are heterosexual is irrelevant. They will slip into the autopilot response of handing that kind of shit to do to their partner when they have kids. Teach them that it is THEIR responsibility too. (But also to use their own brains as well…)

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/05/2022 11:03

Put the problem back at their doors. The kids need to open their eyes more and stop seeing you as the problem solver.

This is good advice thank you. I have spent many years covering up for ExDH and need to lose the reflex now (but obviously don't want the kids to suffer the consequences of his crap...

Latest is that next week DS1 has exams on Wednesday and Thursday so "it would be simpler" if he stayed with me rather than going to his dad's. This was an email from EX... I checked with DS1 and it's not a request from him although he said "oh well if dad is at work on Thursday he won't be able to take me to my exam". He can walk from mine.

Just more proof the whole wanting the kids every week thing was rubbish, as soon as there is a dentist's appointment or an exam or 2 pick-ups to do, he opts out. Only a week or so now until he is supposed to submit his counter arguments to the court about custody. Will be very interested to see if he is still asking for 50/50 residency....

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 03/05/2022 12:02

Shall we start running the books?
I’m in for him wanting 50/50. He likes his money more than his kids. He isn’t going to want to let go of his “stuff”.

Newestname002 · 03/05/2022 12:12

Really what a waste of air the man is... 🌹

LookItsMeAgain · 03/05/2022 13:53

I do hope you are keeping track of all of these times that he is supposed to be looking after his children and he isn't stepping up to the plate because the facts are what a judge will want to see.
You can say through your legal representative that of the past X number of times that he was looking after his children on the following occasions, he either returned them to you a day early, didn't have them at all (and explain briefly what reason he gave for doing that) or tried to make some other adjustment to his time with his kids. That this behaviour had a knock on effect to you because you couldn't make any plans based on your knowledge of this man and the past history you shared so you would instinctively know that any plans you might have made would need to be cut short or not even made at all.
You or rather he can't argue with facts.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/05/2022 14:40

Will be very interested to see if he is still asking for 50/50 residency....

Of course he will!! After all legally having 50/50 doesn't mean actually doing 50/50. It'll just absolve him from some/all of the financial responsibilities. It's one of the faults of the legal system(s). Access can be enforced when the non-custodial parent is not being allowed their allowed access. But access cannot be enforced when a non-custodial parent chooses not have the children on their allotted days.

Definitely keep track of the days he's refused to have the DC and the reasons why. And I do agree with others, it is now time to stop covering for him with them and to be honest about why he 'can't' uphold his end of joint parenting.

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 03/05/2022 16:06

Oh @jamaisjedors your poor boys, they're so conditioned by him 😔
What happens if he is given 50/50 and still pulls the same stunts? Can you reapply to change the residency based on what actually happens?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/05/2022 18:13

Oh yes, let's start running the books ! It feels less and less likely that he will insist on 50/50 as he seems inclined to do so little BUT OTOH more and more likely as you say, great deal for him, I do all the work, run around after the kids, and get no maintenance from him. Plus I would have to negotiate every little purchase with him - nightmare !

Realistically I think we still have enough evidence that he is NOT even doing his Wednesdays or weekends to the full and also that communication is very difficult. Also, the DS are now used to this arrangement, it will be 3.5 years (if not more[ by the time we get back to court again and judges seem loathe to change an arrangement that is working. They see their dad every week (on a Wednesday[ so it can't be argued that they are cut off from him.

Besides, he seems to proving (by dumping the kids on me every single time they need to do an after-school activity or even just a normal exam[ that where I live is the most suitable and convenient place for the DC to be.

We'll see...

OP posts:
Mix56 · 04/05/2022 07:53

He will still want 50:50.
1 because he knows you dont want that
2 because he thinks he will look better
3 it will cost less

But not necessarily in that order !

I would ask your avocat, to demonstrate the genuine division of contact currently & how he shirks any responsibility and costs for any child related jobs as it stands.