Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

Grr 3 years !!! Can't believe it myself !!! Really hope 2022 is the end of it all, but I've come so far that I'm not going to let it keep me awake at night if it isn't.

This whole process plus the pandemic have taught me a lot about patience and living in the moment!

I'm sure the last 3 years have been immeasurably better than if you had stayed and spent them placating him

You'll get rid one day!

It’s so hard to believe it’s three years!!! (From this side of the world, anyway!) Look at how far you’ve come since you started seeking advice about your marriage to that miserable sod!!!

@jamaisjedors How are you doing?

[quote Raindancer411]@jamaisjedors How are you doing? [/quote]
Look for the thread about vintage dresses that Geller doesn't know about! @raindancer411

@SpellitwithaY Thank you :)

I don't think the Geller poster is jamaisjedors.

Hey there! All fine here, thanks for asking😊.

Just packed to go away for half term to the mountains to see friends with the DC. And also had a lovely week this week with mr dj while the dc were at their dad's.. (2 weeks half term here).

When we get back the divorce proceedings seems start on the 25th Feb, not sure anything will happen then but at least they will be moving...
😘

👍🏼 It's always good when there's 'nothing to report'. Glad you're doing well.

Any news on the divorce front?

I am so glad I found the original sulking thread! This was my exP. I actually ended up leaving him during the first lockdown because the anxiety of dealing with his moods (and in close quarters all the time) just burned me out. Then I stupidly got back with him a year later, but this time I paid attention to the dread and tension I felt in my solar plexus every time he went into a mood. We broke it off a month ago, and I miss him a lot (plus, the sex was incredible, which doesn't help with the missing). I have to stay strong though. Thanks to all who posted on that thread who put words to what I was feeling.

And like the OPs exH mime was super organised and "adult", whereas I am not (ADHD) so I constantly felt like a child by comparison. My therapist has made me realise that he is perhaps not as emotionally mature as he thinks he is.

@jamaisjedors hope divorce proceedings started on time and are running smoothly

Hi, @FabalaThropp so sorry you were in this situation (so many of them !!!) but glad you have extracted yourself and that mumsnet was helpful ! Don't beat yourself up about missing him or going back, totally understandable and human reactions (but very confusing I know!).

As for the divorce, thanks everyone for asking. The process has started (virtual meeting for the lawyers and the judge) and now exH has til mid May to hand in his arguments. After that my lawyer wants to talk to me about whether we agree on a calendar for proceedings or not - she is going to advise me.

I was kind of down about the next stage being May, which seems a long time away but actually I guess is "only" 3 months from the opening of proceedings (which was end of Feb).

In other news exH seems to be very down. Had DS2 (15) in tears last week because he is worried about his dad because his dad is so "tired" and "lonely" all the time. Hard to deal with but I'm doing my best.

Also told the DS about Mr DJ a few weeks ago (once the divorce proceedings had started officially). They just smiled and said they already knew ! We haven't discussed it again since and Mr DJ has been off sick with a bad back so not come round to the house so there is time for them to get used to the idea.

Will be taking it slowly with "introductions" even though they have already met him as a friend.

That's all for updates I think !!!

@jamaisjedors

I'm glad that the next stage of this tortuous divorce process has started. I hope it proceeds smoothly - you and the DC have been held hostage by all these stages for quite long enough.

In other news exH seems to be very down. Had DS2 (15) in tears last week because he is worried about his dad because his dad is so "tired" and "lonely" all the time. Hard to deal with but I'm doing my best.

Is your almost-Ex manipulating the situation to his advantage do you think? Surely he has absolutely no hope of you ever going back to those bad old days? 🌹

Oh yes to the being held hostage - sooooooo sick of it !!!

RE: exH. I actually think he is genuinely not OK, has been that way since Christmas which he spent alone (instead to going to his family). He has even referred to not feeling great in a couple of emails about arrangements for the DS. This is the time of year he tends to be "down" and I think the reality of the divorce going ahead and him not being able to stop it , has probably hit.

However what is NOT ok is manipulating DS2. This weekend the DS were supposed to be with their dad.

DS asked to stay home Sat afternoon to see his friends as his dad said he was "too tired" for DS to have people over and asked if DS could have them over to mine. And then the next day exH guilt-tripped DS2 about a planned cinema trip with friends because "he hadn't seen DS2 all weekend" - well yes, he hasn't seen DS because he wouldn't let him have his friends over.

I told DS he can go with his friends next weekend and they are nice enough to wait for him and didn't go without him.

But I can see that he is torn and feeling conflicted about wanting to see friends and have a normal life and then feeling guilty about his dad. Being 15 is tough enough without that crap.

That's appalling of your ex. Whether he's depressed or not, that's hugely manipulative. My foster son's mum pulled similar - cancelled him coming over for Christmas Eve (which is her birthday) and then emotionally blackmailed him for constant attention because 'he hadn't come over on her birthday'. Fortunately he has good boundaries these days.

My mum used to play push me-pull you games like that all the time too. The only thing I could do was clam up and not bother trying to communicate (or want) anything at all. It’s a form of bullying and it’s horrible.

Poor DS2! I guess all you can do is stress to him that he's allowed to have his own life and that his dad is (supposedly) an adult who is capable of understanding that. And that he is not in any way responsible for his dad's 'happiness'. It's not his job, in fact quite the opposite. It's a parent's job to ensure our children's happiness as much as we are able.

Honestly, at 15 I would much rather have been with my friends than my parents. That's the way teens are! It's the age when we as parents start thinking "they're hardly ever home these days (sigh)" but are happy that they have good friends and activities.

dont feel too sorry for ex. If he wasnt such an insufferable arse, he might well have a new girlfriend by now

Is your DS able to reply to his dad and call his dad out on the mixed messages he's being sent. Something like "Well, dad, the reason you haven't seen me this weekend is because you wouldn't let my friends come over to yours while I was there. You said you were too tired. I don't know what you want me to say?" Assert himself but not rudely kind of thing.
Just wanted to add, you're a different woman to the one who posted about wondering if she was misreading the signs when your ExH was gaslighting you all those months ago. You're stronger. You know your limits. You've established good boundaries and your kids will appreciate you for that.

Its not like you have to watch over a bunch of 15 year olds...
What he was saying was "you prefer seeing your friends than me" well Yes that's a 15 yr old for you. (Plus his father is miserable)

I think its intolerable that he has been allowed to drag this out for so long.
Roll on the month of May

Good grief… it would not be an emotionally safe or smart thing for DS to call his dad out. He would lash out and “punish” DS by sulking or worse, having a “breakdown” to make him feel bad. (Guilt as retribution - that’s how he kept Jamais nailed in place for so long.)

You are completely correct there @justilou1. I forgot who the OP is dealing with for a moment.

Please don't do what I suggested @jamaisjedors.

Thanks for the suggestions. In the end DS2 brought it up again about his dad being tired because he's so lonely.

I pointed out that DS2 didn't need to feel guilty about spending time with his friends and if the only reason his dad was "tired" was because he was lonely, he would have been happy to have DS and all his friends in the house so that there were people around.

DS actually looked visibly lighter when I said that, although it kind of goes against the rule I try to stick to, of not bad-mouthing their father to them.

I said that I wasn't saying his dad was lying, just that he was finding it hard to explain why he was "tired".