Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

@AcrossthePond55

It's like, how can we create the most entangled, torturous, soul destroying legal framework possible.

It's not that way everywhere. I'm in a US 'no fault' state and divorce is much more streamlined here. But that's because of people who campaigned and fought to change the laws.

Rather than teach my sons that marriage is 'nothing to do with love', I taught them to take their time and not rush. One is happily married to our darling DiL, the other is still 'shopping round'. No guarantee, of course. But I do want them to be open to love, but with their eyes wide open too.

Love yes, but why does that have to involve marriage

I feel that you need to be very careful with the next thread headline @jamaisjedors… Perhaps you shot yourself in the foot. 🧐

@justilou1
I feel that you need to be very careful with the next thread headline

Absolutely. No more announcing the divorce is on the way...

Just found out that we have a date - for end of February - but that this is not a date for the divorce, just an intial hearing for the judge to open the file GRRRRRR

After that there are still months of back and forth with the lawyer's until the judge finally decides she's had enough and fixes a date for a proper hearing.

And even after that exH can still appeal the decision if he doesn't like it...

As you say, the kids will be grown and gone by then.

Yeah but you are free and having fun and the DC are happier than they ever were before!!

No wonder lawyers are such solid earners

For comparison my divorce took 5 weeks. We shared a lawyer, but I think that's no longer possible. Although ExH forced me back to court 5 x over 9 years.

DHs ex dragged it out over 4 years. Damaging for everyone especially her kids.

Yes I believe the kids can vote with their feet after a certain age, So battling over child arrangements until they're 16 is a waste of everyones time & money. Not least the justice system that cant cope with the crushing back log

"Le mineur en âge de discernement – à partir de 10 à 13 ans, selon les enfants – peut demander au juge aux affaires familiales à être auditionné. Plus il s’approche de la majorité, plus sa parole et ses arguments seront pris en considération par le juge pour fixer sa décision, concernant notamment le droit de visite et d’hébergement."

I know your DC havent got to the stage where they want to decide for themselves when, & if they go to their father, but they can

@jamaisjedors - just popping in to wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas.

Ahh thank you @Justilou1

Merry Christmas to everyone ! xxxxx

@Justilou1

No wonder lawyers are such solid earners

Ain't that the truth!

Good luck to you for 2022 OP. Onwards and upwards!

been keeping an eye on this thread! glad you are doing well, onwards and upwards for 2022
Merry Christmas xxx

Yes, Happy Xmas to you Jamais, & hopefully divorced in 2022 !

Merry Christmas 🎅

Joyeux Noel to you all!

Merry Christmas everyone! Stuck in France and gutted not to be in the UK but making our own Christmas traditions with the boys so all is well.

Wishing everyone a lovely festive season if possible and a good 2022.

Still ridiculously grateful for the support on this thread... Coming up to 3 years since I first started a thread doubting myself about exhs behaviour.... Life is pretty great these days... So grateful to you all

Lovely to hear from you.

It's raining here and rain forecast all week 😭 hope you at least have sun in France.

It's been lovely to share your journey knowing that you have made huge strides forward in your personal life and are free from your former life even if the legal sign off is dragging on 🙄

May 2022 see STBXH growing up and signing off.

Merry Festive season to you and DC, @jamaisjedors

Merry Christmas to Jamais and everyone else from (not-so-sunny) California.

Merry Christmas to you Jamaisjadore and your boys.

Thanks all! The boys and I had a lovely Christmas despite the disappointment of not going to the uk.

Happy New year to all

And to you lovely jamais

Happy New Year Jamais and everyone else. Hope 2022 brings you and your boys all you wish for. 🥂

Happy and much better new year to you jamais.
I've been reading your threads for such a long time, but I'm not sure I've had much to say (other people have such good advice to offer) - so just wanted to wish you well!

Happy New Year

3 years! wow, I cant believe its been so long. Perhaps 2022 is FINALLY going to be the year you are rid of him. and what a long way you have come