Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

At 17 DS doesn't have to do a darned thing he doesn't want to. Could be he'll decide he doesn't want to go any more.

I agree with letting their knowledge of Mr DJ sort of 'evolve' naturally rather than a big 'I have something to tell you' conversation.

But if you think it's time they knew and if you want to start a 'quiet conversation' maybe before a date you could say something like "Hey guys, just want you to know I'll be out late tonight so don't worry if I'm not home when you think I should be". I pretty much guarantee that will result in a perking of ears and "Why? Where are you going?".

Obviously up to you OP but I wouldn’t tell them anything at all until absolutely everything is sorted. I don’t think it’s fair to ask them to keep things from their Dad

Even if they suspect I wonder if they don't want to know so they can't be grilled by STBXH.

I would wait for it to evolved naturally tbh.

I'm so pleased the arrangements are going smoothly. It doesn't feel like 2 years ago when you were choosing your town house or the bigger one in a village. It sounds like you made a good decision - especially for your boys' social lives!

I suppose you don't really need them to know about Mr DJ if it's all going well as it is. My guess is they're teens and absorbed in their own lives so probably won't ask, but also they don't actually want to know. What teenage boy wants to think of his mum in that sort of relationship? The horror!

I'd start dropping his name in as a 'friend' occasionally when you're comfortable that it's not going to cause WW3 with their dad. I'm going to the cinema with my friend Mr DJ tonight. Then drop the friend bit and just I'm going out with Mr DJ tonight.

They'll get the message (or at least as much of it as they want to get).

Some great advice thank you!

You may be right that they don't want to know so yes, will name drop a bit more and just see how things go.

Missed all the updates.. so "Whoop whoop", the court eventually made a decision.. that's a box ticked.
Re Mr DJ, I wouldn't let him out of the bag until the divorce procedure is well underway.
XH will have asked weekly if you are going out, where does she go? Has she got a bf? Cant you just imagine the lies & accusations he will fabricate if he knows you have happily moved on ?
"Your mother was having an affair, She destroyed our family...."
Not to mention stalling on the divorce & financial settlement to deliberately complicate your life.

I have been trying to find a way to suggest something similar to @Mix56. STBX is paranoid. He will probably be covertly and even directly subjecting the boys to interrogation about your social life and love life.

I agree. It’s unfair that you have to do it but probably better in the long run. Anything he can use to attempt to regain some control he will. I have said before he loves your DC but he doesn’t put their needs first. Never has and won’t here.

Ok I see the point about not putting the DC in a difficult position with their dad.

I have now come to the conclusion that they don't WANT to know !

They don't ask me who I'm with when I go out (they used to) and next week DS1 wants to have the house to himself for a party and just said "you can stay somewhere else, can't you?" and I agreed.

My lawyer sent through the divorce application today for me to re-read so I've made my comments and corrections and hopefully it'll get sent off this week - with a hearing in January or February.

I'll keep things quiet with MR DJ til after Xmas once we have a court date for the divorce hearing.

An unchaperoned teenage party - good luck with that @jamaisjedors ! After all you've been through I'm sure you'll handle it magnificently. It sounds like you a sensible plan.

Marking my place

- @Haffdonga DS1 is very sensible - we've done a couple of unchaperoned til midnight parties and I guess this is the next step.

Making the most of having opted for a big house with a basement that the kids can do what they like in.

Not sure DS2 will be having any unchaperoned parties though...

How was the party @jamaisjedors? Did DS have a good bday?

@justilou1 It went well thanks ! It was a late Halloween party. Mr DJ provided some decorations from where he works so met DS1 again but without formal introductions or explanations (and not as a "boyfriend").

Now finalising the divorce petition with my lawyer so waiting to hear about the next court date which should be to finalise the divorce - January or February probably although we may not get the judge's decision for a few months after that....

Bloody hell @jamais. is this just how it works in France, or was yours a tricky one? So glad it's all coming to an end 🤞

@Grrrpredictivetex... Tricky divorce as Exh refused to accept it... Could drag on for another couple of years for the finances etc if/when exh appeals...

They have just brought in a reform to the divorce system which simplifies the procedure and should make it quicker... But if the other person chooses to fight you on every step then it's always going to be a long drawn out process...

And of course costly... I try not to think about what all the lawyer's fees (on both sides) could have paid for... Years of higher education for the kids... Probably at 20 000 euros by now between me and exh.

[quote jamaisjedors]@Grrrpredictivetex... Tricky divorce as Exh refused to accept it... Could drag on for another couple of years for the finances etc if/when exh appeals...

They have just brought in a reform to the divorce system which simplifies the procedure and should make it quicker... But if the other person chooses to fight you on every step then it's always going to be a long drawn out process...

And of course costly... I try not to think about what all the lawyer's fees (on both sides) could have paid for... Years of higher education for the kids... Probably at 20 000 euros by now between me and exh. [/quote]
You may have got less time for murder.
Well done for staying true to yourself and the boys. You so deserve all the happiness coming your way. 👏👏👏

God, he is such a vindictive bastard.

I loathe him, and I've never even met him!

Sounds like STBXH has the handbook on how to be as difficult as possible, @jamaisjedors… probably didn’t need a crystal ball to predict this, did we?

Oh yes! He's currently keeping me waiting on replying to my email about Christmas dates - so I can't book a trip to the UK yet.

Trying to ignore it, if he doesn't answer by Friday I will send a passive-agressive "just checking you got my previous email"...

Him having the kids every Wednesday is not working out as particularly less work for me in the end - today DS1 was here pretty much all day til 4pm when his dad picked him up.

DS2 left at 12.30 so I still had to encourage him to get out of bed and get dressed and do some homework.

Still, at least I don't have to drive them to their activities and get an evening off tonight.

Am noting done (on my lawyer's advice) the times when the DC don't go to exH til late or have to make their own way there. We'll provide this if/when he trys again for 50/50 custody in the final divorce settlement.

My lawyer thinks the court date might not be til ..... MARCH now

I had January in my head and had got excited but there is only one date per month apparantly so I'll just have to be patient.

Your boys will be 18 and not need custody arrangement s at this rate!

I just don't know why anyone would want to get married any more.

I'm a man and married to an abusive woman. I know my situation is much less common than men being the abusive party.

I can't wait to get out. I just have to be nice and keep planning and keep being a good parent.

I'll never marry again and will always explain to my young kids as they grow up how marriage is a legal contract and has nothing to do with love or culture. It's like, how can we create the most entangled, torturous, soul destroying legal framework possible.

It's like, how can we create the most entangled, torturous, soul destroying legal framework possible.

It's not that way everywhere. I'm in a US 'no fault' state and divorce is much more streamlined here. But that's because of people who campaigned and fought to change the laws.

Rather than teach my sons that marriage is 'nothing to do with love', I taught them to take their time and not rush. One is happily married to our darling DiL, the other is still 'shopping round'. No guarantee, of course. But I do want them to be open to love, but with their eyes wide open too.