Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

Good grief the court is really dragging this out! Hope you get news before the weekend

Third time lucky hopefully.

Finally!!!!!!

Got an email from my lawyer late morning.

The court have gone for EOW with Saturday night overnight (already the case but now it's official) and EVERY Wednesday with an overnight.

They have ignored all of EXh's ranting about my parenting which is a relief.

The judge has reduced the maintenance slightly to take into account the fact that the DS will be with their dad more often, but that's ok, it's still very decent (and my lawyer says this will be discussed again in the final divorce hearing anyway).

Not sure what the DS will think about the new arrangements, I think DS2 will be happy to see his dad every week but not sure DS1 will be that delighted about having to pack up his stuff midweek.

I'll get him to try it for a while and he can always request to see the judge if he wants a change - at 17 I'd say they'd listen to him.

Thanks again everyone for being here, cheering me on, and just generally being amazing.

I'm feeling relieved that this stage is over (and can't be appealed) - next stage is the actual divorce itself and the "final" custody arrangements so I will see my lawyer next week and get that in motion.

Still plenty more court dates and ups and downs to come I'm sure !!!

Off to spend a weekend away with mr DJ who has also been on tenterhooks for me.

That's fantastic news!

That’s good, it seems a very reasonable outcome, I bet you are relieved. It seems a very sensible incremental adjustment for the boys too.

I appreciate that you are in France but surely at 17 your eldest won’t be bound by this for much longer? In the UK younger children’s voices are ‘heard’ well before this age.

Anyway, I’m glad this stage is over and you can look forward to a weekend away with Mr DJ. Enjoy!

Phew!!

Congrats Jamais - seems like a great outcome! I’m sure the judgement document made for gratifying reading also.

Thank goodness, that's one down.

Hope you can relax and enjoy a lovely weekend.

&

Great stuff! At last. Have a lovely weekend.

YES!!!!
YES!!
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!

You must be so relieved (especially the bit where it cannot be appealed)

I'm really happy for you @jamaisjedors. Now go off and enjoy your weekend with Mr DJ. You have most definitely earned a fantastic weekend.

thank God

and so good that all the ex's meticulous disecting of your faults was not even looked at

It must be such a relief to have this settled after all of this time

Have a fabulous weekend!

yeah!

Divorce go through 2022 perhaps?

Well that’s wonderful!! Sounds very much like the judge has DCs safety as a priority or would have gone for 50/50. What a relief!

Delurking to add my congratulations on getting this far. What a relief!
Enjoy your weekend 🍸💐

What a relief for you!

How did the boys take it?

Hooray!!

Absolutely delighted for you that you've finally got some answers. Now to hope that things will keep rolling for the rest of the divorce process too.

I was just wondering how you were getting on Jamais, having followed your threads since your first post. I’m so glad to see you’ve at last got a decision on custody!

Oh that is good news

Ah thanks for all the encouragement ! I'm actually delighted with the outcome, exH will have to do all the running around on Wednesdays (kids only have school in the morning here and then have various activities in the afternoon which they need driving to) and I get a day "off" from meal-planning and homework once a week.

The kids also get to see their dad once a week which they seem to be happy with.

The kids' reaction was surprising. DS1 was fine with it - I think he is old enough to feel that if it doesn't suit him he can go to the judge and ask to change or even just say to his dad that he doesn't want to go - although if he does that I will make sure it's in writing (email).
It's his last year at home (probably) so it's fine for him, despite having previously said he DIDN'T want to go EVERY Wednesday but wanted time to chill at home too.

DS2, who has talked quite often about the idea of joint custody and going to his dad every other week, was quite worried about how he was going to get to school on a Thursday morning (they are staying the night mid-week, which is new). He was asking if he could come back home if it didn't suit him and stressing about getting an early bus.

I said he could talk it through with his dad who should be able to drop him off, and that of course his home is his home and he can come back here anytime he wants.

They'll be doing their first mid-week overnight tomorrow so we'll see how it goes.

Sounds like ds2 is not so confident of his dad's ability to be a proper weekday parent rather than just a weekend activity coach. Luckily your boys sound incredibly sensible and wise to their dad's ways. I'm sure they'll cope with maturity (or like many teens they'll make do with their headphones, grumpiness and wifi).

Does this mean you can now bring Mr DJ out from his secret booth or will you have to wait for the final money parts to be sorted before risking the wrath of ex? If nothing else you and Mr DJ now have a definite weekly date night that I'm sure you'll make the most of

How did it go?

Sorry, busy week !

@Haffdonga I think the DS have been "trained" to not ask anything of their father and so it didn't occur to DS2 that his dad might actually drive him to school.

In the end it went fine, exH DID drive them both to school plus drove them to mine to drop off their overnight stuff before taking them on to school.

Luckily for the DS (and exH although he would never admit it!), I live in a very convenient place with easy parking out front and he can stop by briefly while they pick up/drop off their stuff on the way to/from school.

This week already both DS have managed to opt to stay at home most of the day - DS2 told his dad he wanted to sleep in and so got the bus to his at lunchtime. DS1 has a driving lesson and wanted to come home before it with some friends from school. They will both still be staying with their dad overnight but having seen that, I definitely think I don't need to worry about either of them being manipulated into asking for 50/50 custody - they are teens and want an easy life.

I also feel that as we've already had 2 years in this house now, it is "home" to them and super convenient for school and going out and shops etc. whereas exH has stayed in our old house in the countryside which is obviously a lot less convenient.

So I will enjoy my weekly overnights with Mr DJ and breathe a little.

Not sure still about bringing MR DJ out to the kids, I keep thinking about it and putting it off!!!

I keep thinking they will ask me where I am going (went to the cinema with him on Monday) and then I can say I was on a date, but they don't ask !!!

Don't want to do a massive "sit-down talk" with them either... really struggling with how to broach it.

I will certainly tell them not to mention it to their dad for the moment when I do talk to them.