Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

@Justilou1

I have been saying that all along

😉

Nah, a hitman's too expensive. Don't waste your hard-earned money on fighting the demons in his head. Seriously, can you just spin wait it out? Your boys are teens. They're going to be adults voting with their feet and making their own minds up about where and who they want to spend their time whatever court decides for them by the time this ends.

Live your life how you want, clever, fair and kind @jamaisjedors. Don't put anything on hold for him.

I'm in a 'no fault' state in the US. Here it's normally 6 months done and dusted to the termination of the marriage and all that's involved. And the courts really push that everything get settled within that timeframe If for some reason it's dragging on, then the actual termination can be bifurcated and granted separately and the rest settled later.

My divorce was simple, no kids and we owned nothing. But if my ex had been determined to drag things out I could have been 'restored to the state of an unmarried person' in 6 months. It's too bad Jamais can't bifurcate and at least get herself 'untied' from him even if the finances and child issues dragged on.

I just don't understand the courts dragging things out with hearing after hearing. For what?

at the hitman suggestions !!!

For the divorce, I'm hoping that now that we have lived separately for 2 years, exH can't legally contest the actual divorce, but am unclear on whether I can be divorced but still with an ongoing appeal or not.

I know that some people are divorced and still wrangling on finances years later, not sure if that applies to custody arrangements too.

Will be talking it all through next week I guess with my lawyer/solicitor, we get the custody results back next Monday and then will prepare our divorce application.

Lawyers must have very secure incomes in France…

This man's bitterness and disappointed entitlement really is eating him up isn't it? How sad that he can't recognise just how much he is losing and is likely to lose because check can't/won't change.

Fingers crossed you don't have much longer to endure this sorry farce, @jamaisjedors 🌹

I hope it went well with your lawyer today

@NettleTea was on tenterhooks all day but no decision from the judge in the end .

My lawyer is going into court tomorrow and so will hopefully get news then.

Will report back....

Grrrrrrrr

Grrrrr as well

hopefully you will hear by this evening.

Fingers crossed that you get better news today @jamaisjedors

So apparently the decision is being delayed til Thursday afternoon.

So much stress for nothing !!! Did lots of yoga and have nice things planned for the weekend afterwards so I am trying not to let this rule my life. It's not the first or the last time I'll be waiting on a decision so I need to try and live normally in between times...

Will of course report back. Thanks !

Good things come to those who wait Jamais but whatever happens this stage will soon be over.

well I will try again with the 'good luck today' xxx

Fingers crossed for you @jamaisjedors!

Hope you get good news today.

Today’s the day… Wonder if he’ll try sucking around again… Hope the wind is at your back, @jamaisjedors!

OMG so so sick of this. Waiting all day and now my lawyer says she doesn't have the decision yet but will have it tomorrow...

Very stressful as any changes come into immediate effect so for example for the DS if the judge says they are to go Friday to Monday to their dad's, it will be from tomorrow. They will not be amused... no time to organise themselves.

So sick of having judgements and decisions hanging over me all the time, despite my best efforts to get on with my life.

Good lord!
I think you must win an award for being messed about!

I was in the same situation.
2 years and 1 month till our court case finalized every thing.
Ours was a Thursday....and started a week Monday to give us time to sort (my) childcare arrangements out.
The finances still took another month for papers to be signed and stamped...then monies transferred.
It's a long old road when you have a difficult ex 🙄

Gaaaaah! You poor thing!

It gets to the point you don't care much about the outcome you just want it made!!

That's awful jamais. They (as in the judge not your solicitor) have clearly forgotten that there are young children involved here and that they have lives too that just can not be mucked around at such short notice. I really hope you get a decision (and one that works for everyone) today. I'll be thinking of you.