Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

Hi. Hoping your doing ok, and a casual bump as you're falling off the bottom of my list 😂

I was just thinking about you too. Have the DS' gone away for their holiday with ex and his family?

Hope you are feeling calm and peaceful in this waiting phase before then next steps in court.

How are you doing @jamais?

Hope you’re ok OP

Longtime lurker hoping you're okay and enjoying life.

Are you ok @jamaisjedors ? Long time since you posted x

Do hope everything’s ok @jamaisjedors. Keep checking to see if you’ve posted. Worried that exH may have somehow discovered your threads so you have had to stop

Oups, really sorry to have worried anyone

Everything is absolutely fine, just took a break from thinking about exH over the summer and so the thread slipped my mind and I didn't see the updates as it dropped off the "threads I'm on"... Sorry !

I had a good summer, managed to see family and friends, plus plenty of Mr Dj who is as easy-going and supportive as ever

The DC actually had a good time with their dad too, they were with family some of the time and at other times in places with full-on activities so even if their dad was a bit "off" they didn't notice.

Concerning exH, unfortunately his sister called me this week to say she had had a call from him which was super agressive - he was throwing insults at her and calling her a narcissist etc. She hung up on him in the end but was quite shaken up and called to tell me to take care and to see if I was ok.

Friend "Sam" also called to say he had had an email from exH with a horrible sarcastic tone, basically saying "thanks for ruining my life, I will never forget it and neither will my kids...". Sam has decided not to reply as it will just upset him and escalate things and he wants no more to do with exH.

Will update again more regularly in September/October if things move on with the divorce/finances/custody... 2 years on and still waiting !!!!

How is 2 years already!!!

Glad things are good for your and the boys and Mr DJ.

Glad you and the boys had a good summer Jamais and it's great that
Mr DJ is still being his lovely laidback self.

Slightly worrying about the behaviour of the ex. Poor Sam, after everything he did for the Ex, to have it thrown back in his face like that.

I really, really hope that things progress with the finances and divorce for you. I too, can't believe it's been two years. Onwards and upwards eh.

@jamaisjedors

Concerning exH, unfortunately his sister called me this week to say she had had a call from him which was super agressive - he was throwing insults at her and calling her a narcissist etc. She hung up on him in the end but was quite shaken up and called to tell me to take care and to see if I was ok.

Friend "Sam" also called to say he had had an email from exH with a horrible sarcastic tone, basically saying "thanks for ruining my life, I will never forget it and neither will my kids...". Sam has decided not to reply as it will just upset him and escalate things and he wants no more to do with exH.

How very foolish of him to alienate those who might have his good at heart and wish him well. I wonder who else he's treating like this? The future doesn't look good for him - if his own making. 🌹

I'm glad you and the boys had a good summer. You organised it all well

Hi Jamais,

It's always so lovely to read your updates (well, now obviously in the beginning they were so sad). I'm so pleased for you & the boys that life is treating you so much better.

I'm sorry ex is still being an arse. I don't find it surprising he's turned in his sister and Sam, after all he turned on you first of all. What does concern me is that, as he runs out of other people who are close, what happens if he only has the boys left?

I don't know if there are any resources for them to navigate that, or learn about those early 'red flags' so they never have to deal with that horribly aggressive phone call.

Unmumsnetty hugs.

@jamaisjedors - I'm really pleased that you were able to have a relaxing summer. I'd say they were few and far between when you were with your ex.
If your ex is supposed to be medicated to deal with his episodes, it reads as though he is clearly off his meds. I can't remember if you mentioned or heard if he is supposed to be on medication following his stay in the facility he was in.
Someone doesn't lash out at people who have, up to this point in time, been on his side or been there as a support for them in the past.
I think it can only be a good thing that he has had the phone call to his sister and the email to "Sam" because finally, the veil is slipping and his act can be called out for being just that, an act.
Enjoy the next few months. It sounds like you'll need your strength to get through them!

lovely to hear from you, and Im glad my feling that you hadnt updated was due to you having a peaceful and enjoyable time.

It was inevitable that he would start to show his true colours - the nearer to the end of the divorce it gets, the more he will realise that it is real and that its not in his control what the outcome is. Id let the boys know that they can come home any time that they feel uncomfortable too

and good luck over the next few weeks, I dont doubt he will try to draw it out even longer if he can

Thanks for all the kind comments !

@ThinkWittyThoughts I do worry about how the boys will navigate things with their dad and they are used to his "foibles" ie they know he needs things to be fixed in advance and can't cope with last minute plans (so no inviting friends at the last minute).

@NettleTea Id let the boys know that they can come home any time that they feel uncomfortable too - this is a good point - in fact this weekend the DC were at their dad's and DC2 said "oh I might come back tonight" because his brother was having a party over there.

Initially I was annoyed as I only get 2 nights "off" a month but then I did go and say to him that this was his house and of course he could come back here anytime he wanted, just to let me know where he was and what he was doing.

I also realised that with exH being so inflexible, there was NO WAY he was going to let DS2 come home for the night so I could breathe and head off to stay at Mr DJ's for the night without worrying .

Found you again! I've probably NC a few times since I last posted.

I'm so glad that you're doing well and having fun with Mr DJ

Fingers crossed exh doesn't drag this out for much longer

@thatfuckingtent

Don't know who you are after the nc but hello!! Was thinking about the thread today, nothing much to report, just a few nightmares about exh after email interactions with him... The usual.

Trying not to hold my breath till custody appeal decision comes back early October.

Lol I can't even remember who I've been.
Glad you're ok though

So tricky right now Jamais… It must feel like you’re straddling knife’s edge.

So in a month surely it will be done??

Geez I hope so otherwise your eldest will be an adult and he'll still be going on about contact regimes...

So in a month surely it will be done??

In a month we will get the judge's decision on exh's appeal against the initial temporary custody and maintenance decision.

Then i can file for divorce (and lay out what i want for final custody arrangements, which of course exh will disagree with).

So another court date on the horizon in another 6-8 months according to my lawyer.

And then... A wait for THAT decision, and then exh can appeal THAT decision.... Ad infinitum....

Ah well how old is the youngest and presumably at 18 they don't need custody agreements anymore??

So erm less than a decade to wait?

Surely it would be cheaper and easier just to hire a hitman.

I have been saying that all along