Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

@GeorgiaGirl52 that’s a good point!

It was more the badly-acted facial expressions I was thinking of @jamaisjedors, rather than his figure!

Hope you are feeling a bit better now @jamaisjedors. I don't know how you manage to keep going sometimes. Your STBX is like an enormous weight around your neck dragging you down and the fact that you manage to keep going with with dignity and humour shows how resilient and indomitable you are. You are a remarkable woman. I hope you manage to have a lovely, relaxing weekend.

@GeorgiaGirl52 hmm not sure about his health but obviously for my DC wouldn't wish anything on him (although when we were together I used to fantasise about him dying which I realise now was probably A SIGN!!!).

Otherwise, am feeling a lot better although had to see exH at a work conference for 2 days last week - he actually even said "hello how are you jamais?"

"Sam" our mutual friend (or not mutual anymore as exH has insulted him and Sam has given up on him) has just called to say that exH has written a letter to "Sam's wife" to tell her to keep an eye on him and that he is up to no good with me, and produced the email that Sam wrote after he had a weird conversation with exH back in me.

Luckily Sam's wife knows about all this stuff and is just shocked exH is doing this... Neverending....

Sorry : "produced the email that Sam wrote to exH and forwarded to ME after he had a weird conversation with exH back in MAY."

He is deranged😮

Please tell me you have forwarded that to your legal council and asked their advice on whether it would be relevant for them to pass it along to the judge who has to make a decision on your situation by October.
In my opinion, you shouldn't be subjected to his bizarre and deranged behaviour a moment longer than is absolutely necessary and I'd be doing everything in my power at this point to sever any links to him. He is still very unstable and to do something like that and not expect "Sam" or "Sam's Wife" to talk to you and let you know about it is naive at best
Are you planning on doing anything with this information, now that you have it?

Do you think this accusation is paranoia and the start of another breakdown, or is he just trying to shit-stir?

I agree with passing it on to your legal team. It may be nothing or it may be something he's going to try to bring up in court thinking it might affect custody or settlement.

Please tell me you have forwarded that to your legal council and asked their advice on whether it would be relevant for them to pass it along to the judge who has to make a decision on your situation by October.
This.
Let your legal team decide if it's relevent evidence of his ongoing illness - it might be.

I suspect the paranoia is ramping up because the court case isn't going his way. Not the evidence bundle etc etc

He is losing control and that is what triggers him.

Unfortunately i don't think we can add any new information at this stage with this part of the procedure but i will definitely talk to my lawyer.

I have also had a message from the colleague who contacted me about exhs behaviour in May too - i never got anything in writing from him but wrote up what he said and sent it to exh's sister as we were worried.. And then we sent that email to court last week. I suspect exh is also shit stirring at work and trying to work out who called me... He may even be threatening them and saying they revealed confidential information... I didn't mention any names but still, knowing exh he's threatening them with court too.

Arghh it's so hard, i knew when i shared those emails there would be trouble but otoh i couldn't NOT share them and let exh be portrayed in court as totally fine....

This is going to be hard

Don't want to cause trouble for people who were trying to look out for me and the kids

Wow… People are just collateral damage in his life, aren’t they? I’m sorry you have to see it in action.

He's so dangerous

@jamaisjedors - I wouldn't see this as you causing trouble for people who were looking out for you and the kids. It's all him. HE is the reason that you're going to court to look for a divorce and separation of assets. HIM.
Finally the veil is coming off and the oh-so-well-held-together person he put on as a show to others is not so well held together and others are now seeing and dealing with all of the issues that you had to throughout your marriage to him.

So yes , you are all right, in the end it means people are see him for who he really is and in fact several have said they can see why i left him.

In the end the colleague was calling me about something totally different so i can hopefully forget about that. And "Sam" and his wife have both reassured me that exh is the problem not me and want me to come over and introduce Mr Dj to them so all OK in the end.

But very sad for Sam who was such a good friend to exh when he was in hospital and for the last 25 years...

Friendships, true friendships, are built on a premise of 'give and take'. I have a feeling that 'Sam' has given much more than he's taken over the last 25 years. In a way, it may be a bit of a relief to him to know it's OK to 'let go' of a friendship that probably took more emotional energy from him than it should have.

I wonder if the reason people can see who he really is now, is because when you two were together you were able to cover for and minimise the effects of his more extreme behaviour.

Pluck- that's exactly what I think.

All that constant work managing him and his behaviour was exhausting!!!

@jamaisjedors

I know you say "Sam" is now estranged from STBXH, but are you ready for STBXH to potentially find out about Mr Dj, if you go ahead with the planned meetup with Sam and wife?

Can you be sure it won't backfire on you?

At this stage in the divorce?
I know you are perfectly entitled to a relationship, and I know any judgement is oh so wrong, but I worry what STBXH might do, if he knows.
He's nasty, vindictive, cruel and mentally ill.
Not a good combination.😱

Personally, I'd keep Mr Dj quiet, until you get the legal stuff sorted.

Some good points.

My psychologist /therapist pointed out a while back that it was probably ME who had kept exh on an even keel all these years...

Certainly everyone else finding him impossible to deal with is very reassuring to me personally, as the years of gaslighting had me convinced I was at the very least partly responsible for exh's moods and behaviour.

I regularly find myself apologising for my "behaviour" when in fact i have done nothing wrong at all.

Re: Mr DJ my lawyer has definitely advised me to continue to ensure that the relationship is not revealed to exh. As you say @SpringCrocus exh is vindictive and unpredictable etc.

My lawyer says at this stage it could tip exh over the edge again, and with the holidays coming up I don't want to risk the dc being with him when/if he has a breakdown or worse.

"Sam" knows this and thinks it's best to keep it from the kids too , knowing exh.

I had hoped to start introducing the dc to mr dj casually once this hearing was over but it looks like it's best to delay that again... Don't want the dc in the awkward position of feeling they need to lie to their dad.

I think that’s very smart. Painful for you both, but temporary.

Actually, I Wouldn’t put it past him to follow you round or watch your house, atm, tbh. Sounds like he’s being pretty paranoid. Does he know where you live now?

Just had a read back through your posts jamais . I'm not surprised you sound a bit tired of the whole thing but, my god you also sound strong! The end of the legal/financial bit is in sight. You've done everything a person could possibly do to be fair, firm and consistent for your dc so whatever happens in October, you and your boys will be fine and happy.

As for XH, the good news is he's well enough to maintain something of a relationship with the boys. But he's clearly still unwell enough to be exhibiting clear signs of paranoia (chasing your imaginary fortune, the work conspiracies, the Sam thing) and this will have been seen in court whether you pointed it out or not.

So now all you can do is rest assured that you've done everything right. It will be ok. Now forget about it all and go and have a fantastic curfew-lifted summer with sun, your boys, friends and plenty of DJing

@Justilou1 yes he knows where I live but I have cameras up outside and it's a busy street so I feel reasonable safe.

@Haffdonga thanks - I AM feeling much stronger, I notice it every time something crops up, each time it's a blow and I am annoyed with myself for lettting it affect me BUT I recover more quickly each time.

And YES I am glad that he is still able to have a relationship with the boys, I don't want them to be without a dad, even if he's nuts ! They will make their own minds up later and as teens they are fairly wrapped up in their own worlds anyway.

We will hopefully enjoy the summer and I have plenty of DJing planned for the next couple of weeks

Very pleased about the cameras. I assume this means that Mr DJ doesn’t visit/stay over often enough to arouse his suspicion. (Although I suspect pretty much anyone would -especially poor Sam.)