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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He wont have sex with me

172 replies

ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 16:25

I am a 28 years old virgin, my boyfriend is not and he is also 28. We have been dating for 2 years, at the begining of our relationship he was much more interested in sex but I was not ready, we do have somo touching and oral experiences but not very often. I told him I want to do it and we talked about it, got tested, I started taking the pill, and even got lingerie, but he wont do it and I have asked several times if he wants it, he says yes but never acts on it and now he says he does not know when it will happen. Whats wrong with me? I am acting undesirible? Is he cheating?

OP posts:

ClaireP20 · 04/01/2021 23:58

Trust me, you're going to end up like me. 40s, virtually sexless marriage unless I beg. A very nice husband and father though.

It really isn't a nice place to be. Because it's neither good or terrible, which somehow makes it worse. And I used to love sex.

Good luck OP.

Charliecatpaws · 05/01/2021 01:03

@Lollypop701

Next time you get intimate, jump him? If he won’t then it will either start a proper conversation or you will know it’s not going to change

If this was the other way around e.g. male to female would it not be rape?

DuchessofDerbyshire · 05/01/2021 07:56

@CandidaAlbicans2

It's her body. He doesn't choose whether she takes the Pill or not. Given the situation, her choice of contraception is the least of her worries. And it's clear why she is doing it; he's terrified of pregnancy so they are doubling up with the Pill and condoms.

@DuchessofDerbyshire, I get that ultimately it's OP's choice to be on the pill, but the only reason she's on it is because he's concerned about pregnancy (fair enough) and they jointly agreed it was best...yet there's no risk of pregnancy because he's refusing to fuck her! So he gave the impression that the only thing holding him back was contraception yet it's clearly not. So she's taking expensive (she said they're expensive in her country) drugs for no reason. He's a shit for that and a shit for moving the goalposts rather than be straight with her. And yes, it goes without saying that he's completely within his rights not to have sex if he doesn't want to, he just needs to be honest with OP so she knows where she stands.

I don't think contraception is at the forefront of her mind.

This is a non-topic as far as I can see other than she was a bit miffed about the cost.

Making a mountain out of a molehill maybe?

Cheeseandwin5 · 05/01/2021 17:22

I am amazed that some of the comments condemning him seemed to have put aside that when the relationship started the OP was the one not wanting to have sex. It seems two ppl taking the same stance can be treated and advised differently.

I wonder, OP if this is his way of seeing the love and respect he showed can be returned. If my DH said no Sex for some time, I would not be jumping on him as soon as he clicked his fingers.
Not only because I may not be ready mentally but also because I am not an on/off switch to be flicked by him whenever he chose

theleafandnotthetree · 05/01/2021 17:24

@Cheeseandwin5

2 years is hardly clicking your fingers and expecting something

TheVanguardSix · 05/01/2021 17:41

I know you're not in an intentional sexless/dead bedroom relationship and that waiting was important to you, but here you are in the same place as dead bedroom couples.
After a while, being in a sexless relationship becomes a rejection, OP. In your case, this is inadvertent. Even though he's not being 'rejected' intentionally and he knows why the sex wasn't initially a part of your relationship, I wonder if he's gone numb. Now that you want to bring it to the fore, he doesn't know how to want it. That feeling of 'rejection' has perhaps severed the desire.
This is not a blame game at all, OP. But I think you'll both need to find ways of introducing intimacy into a relationship that's not had it. And I don't know how you'll do that. But I think that's your problem right there. You can't just conjure intimacy. It's a stranger to you both.

Lollypop701 · 05/01/2021 19:23

@Charliecatpaws I was suggesting next time they are intimate to actively initiate PIV, I also said ‘if he won’t’ Which means just that, he won’t do that action so they would stop. I didn’t say he won’t do it and just continue. Her Dp has told her he wants to, but I don’t think either of them actually know how to move past the current deadlock of embarrassment/lack of experience. This is an option, not the only one of course and I’m a fairly direct person . I’m not condoning rape in any way, but sometimes in a relationship one person takes the lead and it’s beneficial to both people in that relationship.

Original poster

ZoeRe · 06/01/2021 02:36

Thank you so much for all the comments. Yes, I am aware that he was kind to understand when I was not ready and I did think that maybe I was supposed to act the same way if he wasn't feeling ok with it. He did once told me that he loved me and not just desired me and that meant a lot to me. I don't think he is a turn on/off switch, I thought we were building the trust to get there together and enjoy sex, rather than do it because you are supposed to.... it is not clicking my fingers... we started some intimacy, touching and other things, it has been step by step so I felt ready for the next step (PiV) but he started with the excuses and we have had chances to do it, but he wont take them. An example would be last february, valetines' day, we were traveling abroad together, staying alone at an apartment for 2 weeks, away from everything and everybody... we were about to and I ask him for it.. and he said he had no condoms with him... that was almost a year ago.. at the time we had been together for over one... I don't think it was crazy to think we would get some during that trip...

Regarding the pills... I don't mind the hormones that much since they actually helped me to be more regular, shorter, and less painful periods, however they are expensive and I would have never started taking them if it wasn't for him.

OP posts:

Siepie · 06/01/2021 03:13

An example would be last february, valetines' day, we were traveling abroad together, staying alone at an apartment for 2 weeks, away from everything and everybody... we were about to and I ask him for it.. and he said he had no condoms with him... that was almost a year ago.. at the time we had been together for over one... I don't think it was crazy to think we would get some during that trip...

Were you staying somewhere with no way to buy condoms during those two weeks?

You can buy the condoms. It doesn't have to be him who provides them. But neither of you deciding to buy them during your holiday (or even discussing it?) suggests that either it's a convenient excuse, or there's just a massive lack of communication.

Original poster

ZoeRe · 07/01/2021 01:48

It was an excuse. Yes I could have had them myself or we could have gone out to buy them, but it felt like an excuse.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/01/2021 09:43

You have to decide if your happy not having a sex life long term because he is happy to stay like this.

DuchessofDerbyshire · 07/01/2021 09:53

I'm sorry @ZoeRe, but the more you reveal of this relationship, the less inclined I am to think anything will change.

It is not normal for two people, in a long term relationship, to go away on hols for 2 weeks to an apartment and not talk about or have sex.

Partly, it's your fault too. YOU were there and you could have brought up the topic rather than passively waiting for sex to happen.

I'm sorry but having spent a few years with a man who had issues around sex, I am 99% sure you are wasting your time.

Your boyfriend should be desperate for you! He is either gay, asexual or has some deep seated hang ups around sex from his catholic upbringing.

None of those require you to be his therapist.

This is a form of torture for you where you are questioning your own attractiveness.

Please start in your own mind accepting this is not going to change, and walk away.

There are millions of men out there who will want you and you want them. This is a waste of your youth.

BlokeHereInPeace · 07/01/2021 13:28

Male perspective.

He's not interested in sex with you, sorry. Two weeks away, and nothing? It doesn't matter if he's gay or has issues over sexuality or needs to be trussed up first, he isn't interested in having sex with you.

How you deal with this is your call, but after two years of this nothing will change.

Sorry, and good luck.

Prettybubblesintheair · 07/01/2021 13:52

Can I just ask, sorry if you’ve already said, but when you say there is touching and oral is he reciprocating or is it just you getting him and yourself off?

humptyrumpty · 07/01/2021 17:02

@ZoeRe

It was an excuse. Yes I could have had them myself or we could have gone out to buy them, but it felt like an excuse.

Well why didn’t you bring it up? Talk about it?

Original poster

ZoeRe · 07/01/2021 20:15

Hi and than you everybody. So, I have decided to talk with him and to be very specific about everything, make all the questions I need answers for and make sure I make myself clear. Tomorrow will be the day for that conversation to happen. I know a lot of you are right by saying I should have talk about it sooner, at the times we were intimate (which btw is reciprocal and definetly not just me @Prettybubblesintheair, but I see your point in asking) but I guess I didn't want to seem desperate or begging for sex and expecting him to please me without using words to let him know what I am feeling.

I wouldn't say it was nothing during our trip, like I said we did have some sexual interaction but not PiV. But I have to say deep down I agree to your advices and perspectives in which the bottom line is: he just doesn't want me, he doesn't want to do it with me.. as heartbreaking as it is, this is why I need to talk to him and make sure that is what's going on or if there is something here I've been missing or that he has never told me... I really hope is something else and not him not finding me attractive but I need to ask... so tomorrow is the day... wish me luck

OP posts:

Original poster

ZoeRe · 07/01/2021 20:16

Thank* you in the first line!

OP posts:

theleafandnotthetree · 07/01/2021 20:58

Zoe, good luck tomorrow, you sound lovely and really deserve more than this. Do NOT let him fob you off again, it is long past time you got to the bottom of this so that you can move forward, either with or without him

Prettybubblesintheair · 07/01/2021 21:31

Good luck Zoe, you deserve answers. I really hope this conversation helps resolve things

Original poster

ZoeRe · 09/01/2021 01:22

Hello everybody! THANK YOU for all those kind words. I know we are perfect strangers but that is so great, because I was able to open up my heart without feeling judged and without you knowing my boyfriend so your comments were honest I am SO SO SO thankful. He just left my house And the conversation went amazing and I understand many of your comments about our lack of communication, we had an amazing evening and had a lot of physical fun too. I will see him again on Sunday and I think our relationship took a great step tonight. I will keep you posted. Thanks so much!

OP posts:

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/01/2021 23:03

@theleafandnotthetree
2 years is hardly clicking your fingers and expecting something
My understanding is the relationship has been going on for 2 years, Op was hesitating first (time unknown) her DH is now (time unknow).
Still if you have an agenda no need for facts

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/01/2021 23:08

@ZoeRe

I am so pleased you ignored the dump him/men are terrible merchants and instead you were able to communicate with each other and understand each others feelings. Hopefully it will mean that the future will continue for you both to tlak and listen and care.
Ending with a physical fun , is always the cherry on top and a great way to finish.
All the best for both your future happiness.

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