He wont have sex with me

[ZoeRe]

I am a 28 years old virgin, my boyfriend is not and he is also 28. We have been dating for 2 years, at the begining of our relationship he was much more interested in sex but I was not ready, we do have somo touching and oral experiences but not very often. I told him I want to do it and we talked about it, got tested, I started taking the pill, and even got lingerie, but he wont do it and I have asked several times if he wants it, he says yes but never acts on it and now he says he does not know when it will happen. Whats wrong with me? I am acting undesirible? Is he cheating?

Thanks... I agree, sex shouldn't be about all this overthinking.. just having fun and enjoy each other.. walking away seems too hard for me, I do love the guy

I’ve taken relationship partners I’ve been with for 2 years to a therapist before. It does two things. Shows them you are serious enough about the ongoing issue- not willing to be fobbed off any longer, and changes the dynamic of they (the partner) says. They often open up in a way that really makes you roll your eyes and want to say ‘Why the hell didn’t you just tell me that earlier??!’.

It’s perfectly legitimate to want to dig deeper into an issue that affects your self-esteem, couples communication and the feasibility they will be able to have kids. You’re allowed to throw this topic open to a professional, find out what he’s made of, and then make your decisions for your future after that.

Be strong, not in any way embarrassed. Good luck.

I don't think I could do that.. therapy I understand it is helpful but I would not be comfortable... and I strongly believe he would not agree to it

@covidaintacrime

I absolutely guarantee it's not to do with your attractiveness, OP. There will be another cause

To be fair you don’t know this

@ZoeRe I thought I was right about your being not in the UK and a different culture :)

Look, you may not want to hear this, but my advice is you walk away.

I was in a similar situation many years back. Not quite the same but almost. I met a man who was a virgin - he was older than 28. He'd had opportunities- been to a UK university, had dates with women but not a real relationship- just not the 'right' person.

BUT he was hung-up on the idea I might get pregnant and because of his background (little contact with women before uni so no real experimenting) I think he did put women on a bit of a pedestal.

We started having sex but he got cold feet and backed off with pregnancy being the 'reason'. The relationship became platonic other than for hand holds and kisses.

We hoped/ planned to marry. Our relationship lasted 4 years with me seeing a therapist to try to find out what I could do. I tried their advice and nothing worked. A bit like you maybe, I knew he would not agree to therapy so I went alone and he didn't know.

In the end I walked away as my bio clock was ticking. It was incredibly hard to do that as he was my best friend too.

When you say he had "different experiences in Spain" and got tested - Could it be that one of those tests came back positive, and he's wanting to avoid passing something on to you?

To be fair you don’t know this

People usually don't enter into long-term monogamous relationships (and participate in other sexual activity) with people they aren't attracted to. Odds are, there will be another cause.

He doesn't want sex with you. If sex is important to you then you need to leave. Whatever the reason is, this is who he is and if you have to reduce yourself to questioning (and begging for sex, which is what your future will be) then what does that tell you?

I do wonder if he is asexual/low sex drive/porn addicted/gay in the closet. But he may be none of those, the bottom line is he doesn't fancy you sexually and that's what you need to face.

It's not you it's him. Find someone else.

If he’s giving flat yes/no answers when the topic of sex is coming up especially if he’s usually articulate it’s likely he’s repressed a lot of his libido. He’s obviously done the right thing by not pressuring you into sex before you are ready, but may well have taken a bit of a wrong turn in his own mind in the attempt.

It may be he has turned to pornography (no idea just using it as an example), and now feels a degree of shame associated with his own sexual desire. Especially with the catholic upbringing.

I think you are both most likely in very sexually insecure places as individuals. What I’d recommend is a few judgement free conversations just to explore where you both are.

Sex can be this beautiful, pleasurable experience. However it’s also a place where we can all be at our most vulnerable and insecure. Neither of you can be faulted for that whatsoever, I hope it just needs a little deft but passionate communication to get over this block. Best of luck.

@DuchessofDerbyshire Hi! Yes, I am not from the UK but I do have a western culture and like I said, very catholic.

In fact, one of his concerns about sex is pregnancy as well and that is why some of the excuses have been not having a condom with us.
Actually, since he was so worried about it, we decided to use a chemical method such as pills and still use condoms, to be 100% safe.

I started taking the pills and he knows this, and still nothing has happen.

I am not worried about my bio clock but I do think about what will happen if this continues for a another couple of years.

I want to give it a try to the idea of finding the time to talk about and make sure he understands my feelings before making a huge desition like breaking up. He is my best friend too

@FifteenToes

When you say he had "different experiences in Spain" and got tested - Could it be that one of those tests came back positive, and he's wanting to avoid passing something on to you?

Hi! Well I think we would have told me since we have had other types of intimacy that also transmit STDs or STIs. As far as I know, everything is negative.

Wow

I consider myself very beautiful and despite this is affecting my self-esteem in a way, I agree with @covidaintacrime I don't think anyone could date someone for 2 years without at least liking how they look, right?

@DeeCeeCherry

He doesn't want sex with you. If sex is important to you then you need to leave. Whatever the reason is, this is who he is and if you have to reduce yourself to questioning (and begging for sex, which is what your future will be) then what does that tell you?

I do wonder if he is asexual/low sex drive/porn addicted/gay in the closet. But he may be none of those, the bottom line is he doesn't fancy you sexually and that's what you need to face.

Well that's the thing... I am trying to understand the reason for his delaying or whatever it is. I have come to insecurities thinking it might be he doesn't fancy me, but this has happen because of the issue itself, because whenever we kiss or hug or get more intense I feel that he does get excited and he does get erections so I am very confused...

@Dervel

If he’s giving flat yes/no answers when the topic of sex is coming up especially if he’s usually articulate it’s likely he’s repressed a lot of his libido. He’s obviously done the right thing by not pressuring you into sex before you are ready, but may well have taken a bit of a wrong turn in his own mind in the attempt.

It may be he has turned to pornography (no idea just using it as an example), and now feels a degree of shame associated with his own sexual desire. Especially with the catholic upbringing.

I think you are both most likely in very sexually insecure places as individuals. What I’d recommend is a few judgement free conversations just to explore where you both are.

Sex can be this beautiful, pleasurable experience. However it’s also a place where we can all be at our most vulnerable and insecure. Neither of you can be faulted for that whatsoever, I hope it just needs a little deft but passionate communication to get over this block. Best of luck.

Thank you. This is very helpful and a much easy to deal with perspective. Indeed, I feel insecure about my sexuality initially because I am in my late 20s and before him I had never had intimacy, and I mean nothing at all, not even porn or self pleasure, or anything besides kissing really. So, I was not ready partially because of this, I felt intimidated because I did not know what to do, I feel I am still understanding my body and his... on top of that,the fact that he is pushing me away sexually makes it worse.

As it is for him, I never thought he could be feeling insecure, he told me he has done it before so it never crossed my mind, until now...

[quote ZoeRe]@DuchessofDerbyshire Hi! Yes, I am not from the UK but I do have a western culture and like I said, very catholic.

In fact, one of his concerns about sex is pregnancy as well and that is why some of the excuses have been not having a condom with us.
Actually, since he was so worried about it, we decided to use a chemical method such as pills and still use condoms, to be 100% safe.

I started taking the pills and he knows this, and still nothing has happen.

I am not worried about my bio clock but I do think about what will happen if this continues for a another couple of years.

I want to give it a try to the idea of finding the time to talk about and make sure he understands my feelings before making a huge desition like breaking up. He is my best friend too[/quote]
The thing is, Zoe, you may find he simply won't discuss it with you.

I tried to discuss our issues many times - I'd leave it for weeks or months, then I'd get angry and ask why we had this issue. The more I tried to discuss it, the worse it was. He told me that the best way forward was to not talk about it and let him deal with it in his own time.

To give him his due, he said if I met anyone who interested me, I should consider moving forward with that, as there were no guarantees he and I could sort out the issue, and I wanted children.

He did marry eventually. But I think I was part of his 'growing up' (sexually) late in life.

Because he'd waited so long to have sex, it took on an importance way beyond what it should.

I know you want to 'fix' this relationship but in all honesty it's a long shot.

I don't know what your boyfriend's anxiety stems from. But most red-blooded men don't over think sex, and they just want it!

I suspect with you, it's his religion as he is a Catholic and there is a lot of guilt around it.

Maybe you need to be really frank with him and explain that unless he seeks help, or you both do as a couple, you will have to walk away. Not as a threat, just a fact.

I gradually eased myself out of our relationship by spending less time together and I met someone else which helped me decide to leave.

Well that's the thing... I am trying to understand the reason for his delaying or whatever it is. I have come to insecurities thinking it might be he doesn't fancy me, but this has happen because of the issue itself, because whenever we kiss or hug or get more intense I feel that he does get excited and he does get erections so I am very confused...

OP you need to realise you can do better. Deserve better. Even if you analyse unto the enth, it won't change unless he changes. Looks like he doesn't want to.

You are wasting your good years.

he won't say what is the reason he first wanted to and now he does not
I honestly feel is affecting my self esteem and I do feel afraid of trying to get him to it and being rejected
This is the bigger problem than him not wanting sex. He’s being very unkind to you by not giving you a straight honest answer to why, after 2 YEARS(!) he is still making excuses for not wanting to fuck you, and refusing to answer the question. He owes you that. It feels like you’re stuck in limbo and I'm not surprised it’s affecting your self esteem.

therapy I understand it is helpful but I would not be comfortable... and I strongly believe he would not agree to it
So, if he won’t talk to you or go to therapy you just have to put up and shut up?

I started taking the pills and he knows this, and still nothing has happen
He’s not a good man to agree with you taking the pill, messing around with your hormones (with all the potential risks involved) yet refusing to have intercourse.

@CandidaAlbicans2

he won't say what is the reason he first wanted to and now he does not I honestly feel is affecting my self esteem and I do feel afraid of trying to get him to it and being rejected This is the bigger problem than him not wanting sex. He’s being very unkind to you by not giving you a straight honest answer to why, after 2 YEARS(!) he is still making excuses for not wanting to fuck you, and refusing to answer the question. He owes you that. It feels like you’re stuck in limbo and I'm not surprised it’s affecting your self esteem.

therapy I understand it is helpful but I would not be comfortable... and I strongly believe he would not agree to it
So, if he won’t talk to you or go to therapy you just have to put up and shut up?

I started taking the pills and he knows this, and still nothing has happen
He’s not a good man to agree with you taking the pill, messing around with your hormones (with all the potential risks involved) yet refusing to have intercourse.

@CandidaAlbicans2 The risk is tiny and come on, does anyone use the word 'intercourse ' now? (Unless maybe talking to a medic!)

@DuchessofDerbyshire, I deliberately used the word intercourse to differentiate between what sex stuff OP has been doing and what she wants. OK? And the risks of hormonal contraceptive may be small but they're still there, so there is no point taking drugs when one doesn't need to. So I stand by what I said; he's unfair to go along with her taking the pill when clearly, for reasons known only to himself, he's not going to fuck her. I really don't know why you're nit picking my post.

So I stand by what I said; he's unfair to go along with her taking the pill when clearly, for reasons known only to himself, he's not going to fuck her. I really don't know why you're nit picking my post.

It's her body. He doesn't choose whether she takes the Pill or not.
Given the situation, her choice of contraception is the least of her worries. And it's clear why she is doing it; he's terrified of pregnancy so they are doubling up with the Pill and condoms.
If he does change his behaviour, she's prepared and that's sensible.
intercourse just sounds so formal!

@ZoeRe Maybe what you have to do is change your own behaviour.
You can't change his. Only yours.
It's often the case that when one person walks away, the other follows them.
You need to create a void he wants to fill. No pun intended.
As long as you are putting up with his stance on sex, he's unlikely to change.

It's her body. He doesn't choose whether she takes the Pill or not. Given the situation, her choice of contraception is the least of her worries. And it's clear why she is doing it; he's terrified of pregnancy so they are doubling up with the Pill and condoms.

@DuchessofDerbyshire, I get that ultimately it's OP's choice to be on the pill, but the only reason she's on it is because he's concerned about pregnancy (fair enough) and they jointly agreed it was best...yet there's no risk of pregnancy because he's refusing to fuck her! So he gave the impression that the only thing holding him back was contraception yet it's clearly not. So she's taking expensive (she said they're expensive in her country) drugs for no reason. He's a shit for that and a shit for moving the goalposts rather than be straight with her. And yes, it goes without saying that he's completely within his rights not to have sex if he doesn't want to, he just needs to be honest with OP so she knows where she stands.

It's not you it's him. Find someone else.

^^ agree. This is a mind fuck situation. You've tried with him but really this whole thing is over complicated. Sex is an important part of a relationship for most men and women. But this waiting game is verging on ridiculous.

Have you tried putting on your sexy underwear and giving him a "show" he might want you to make the first move as he may feel nervous (it is your first time after all) 😌