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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wont have sex with me

172 replies

ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 16:25

I am a 28 years old virgin, my boyfriend is not and he is also 28. We have been dating for 2 years, at the begining of our relationship he was much more interested in sex but I was not ready, we do have somo touching and oral experiences but not very often. I told him I want to do it and we talked about it, got tested, I started taking the pill, and even got lingerie, but he wont do it and I have asked several times if he wants it, he says yes but never acts on it and now he says he does not know when it will happen. Whats wrong with me? I am acting undesirible? Is he cheating?

OP posts:
Whydidimarryhim · 03/01/2021 21:15

Maybe he’s already getting his needs met sexually from you.
Maybe with hold yourself and see what happens. Does he ejaculate every time you are intimate - do you have an orgasim.
You don’t need to answer me but see who is getting their needs met more.

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 21:23

Well I guess we did use to get more intimacy before and lately is just every once in a while and it might be that he is satisfied with how things are now because he does have orgasms when we get intimate and he does not always ejaculted but I am sure he feels pleasure

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 03/01/2021 21:29

@joystir59

I still think he is gay
Stop being annoying. Not every mans sexual hang up is due to being gay.
netflixandmixedgrill · 03/01/2021 21:30

@ZoeRe

Well I guess we did use to get more intimacy before and lately is just every once in a while and it might be that he is satisfied with how things are now because he does have orgasms when we get intimate and he does not always ejaculted but I am sure he feels pleasure
Okay so how do you get into the situation of being intimate? Does it start with kissing cuddling? If so that's the same way sex starts, next time just ask him, fancy doing "x" instead? And see what he says

You don't have to answer me, but sex is not all about male pleasure. You should be having orgasms too, even if that's just from touching ect.
It's also important that you are "turned on" before you have sex, he can't just put his penis in, that won't be nice for either of you.

Maybe you need to starting being intimate In other ways more often, find ways for you both to orgasm before having sex?
More women cannot orgasm from penis in vagina sex anyways so you will both need to figure out the other ways.

CorianderBee · 03/01/2021 21:31

Op you keep saying he's said he wants to but then doesn't. Are you waiting for him to throw some big romantic evening or something? Have you tried just doing your usual stuff and then saying 'do you want to have sex now'? While being intimate?

What does he do in that case?

CodenameVillanelle · 03/01/2021 21:40

So you don't have intimacy very often? I think it's most likely he isn't very sexual. Maybe he's worried he will go soft if he tries penetration. Ask him!!!

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 21:43

Yes I have tried, and I am not waiting for a big romantic gesture or event... what he's done in a couple ocassions I actually asked him for it... he said he didn't have protection with him. Which is a responsible thing to say and I understood and pf course agreed to it, health and safety is a priority. However, he never got any for any future possible times we might need it.... or am I wrong and I am the one who is supposed to bring some along??

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 03/01/2021 21:45

You should definitely buy some and have them with you but if he hasn't gone and bought some for the next occasion I'm afraid he doesn't want to. Ask him!!!!

netflixandmixedgrill · 03/01/2021 21:46

OP I mean this in the nicest possible way but do either of you have additional needs or anxiety / have additional support in other aspects of your lives?

mummabubs · 03/01/2021 21:46

Again OP, I would be instigating a mature and open conversation about this. I think backing off as you suggested in a recent reply will only result in another 2 years of the same as he seems in no rush to bring the topic up himself. If the idea of not having penetrative sex as part of your relationship doesn't bother you then obviously leave it for now, but from your posts you suggest that this is affecting how you view yourself and the relationship. If you know he's not very forthcoming in conversations about it then I'd be inclined to be very open and honest about everything and openly acknowledge that you've sensed this isn't something he finds it easy to talk about. (There are definitely ways to name his reactions and behaviour without it being intimidating or shaming to him). 😊

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/01/2021 21:53

If he knows you're a virgin he might well be worried about it being painful for you - may have heard horror stories from his friends about blood everywhere, lots of pain etc.

If he's regularly penetrating you with fingers, or you're using dildos on yourself, without pain, then you shouldn't have a problem with this aspect. Maybe tell him that?

I think if he keeps saying "Yes I do want it" but then does nothing, I'd wait until the next time you're in bed and touching each other sexually and just say "I want your cock in me now." Have a pack of condoms handy!

If he still won't, and he won't tell you why, then I'd be looking to leave the relationship. Sex may not be the focal point of your relationship but honesty should be.

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 21:56

@netflixandmixedgrill

OP I mean this in the nicest possible way but do either of you have additional needs or anxiety / have additional support in other aspects of your lives?
I don't quite follow... what do you mean?
OP posts:
covidaintacrime · 03/01/2021 22:02

Just ease up on the pressure, don't say anything too graphic or intense. If he's a virgin and worried, it will be too much for him if you say "fuck me now" or anything like that (same as if he's worried about your virginity).

Is he waiting for marriage? That's a crucial thing to know.

Could you try dry-humping him and see how that goes? With consent of course! Sorry very crass, but it might be a natural segue into PIV sex. Or kissing / doing other things in the missionary position.

Lsquiggles · 03/01/2021 22:04

I think you need to ask him simply, why won't you have sex with me? He can't give a vague yes or no answer then, he'll have to actually explain

netflixandmixedgrill · 03/01/2021 22:07

Do either of you have additional needs / a learning disability, like Aspergers or on the autistic spectrum?
Social anxiety or other mental health conditions?

I'm only asking as I work with adults with additional needs and their can be crossed wires where sex is concerned and sometimes people with additional needs need extra support from appropriate adults to explain sex or consent.

If this is the case in your relationship there might be charities/support workers that can sit down with you both and have this conversation in a easier way for you both to understandSmile

netflixandmixedgrill · 03/01/2021 22:08
  • there not their
Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 22:13

@netflixandmixedgrill

Do either of you have additional needs / a learning disability, like Aspergers or on the autistic spectrum? Social anxiety or other mental health conditions?

I'm only asking as I work with adults with additional needs and their can be crossed wires where sex is concerned and sometimes people with additional needs need extra support from appropriate adults to explain sex or consent.

If this is the case in your relationship there might be charities/support workers that can sit down with you both and have this conversation in a easier way for you both to understandSmile

No, not at all.
OP posts:
netflixandmixedgrill · 03/01/2021 22:16

Okay, sorry I got the wrong end of the stick!

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 22:19

@Lsquiggles

I think you need to ask him simply, why won't you have sex with me? He can't give a vague yes or no answer then, he'll have to actually explain
I have tried and he always finds a way around.. he says I do want to but I have no condoms, I want it to be special.. where are we going to do it?? Things like that..
OP posts:
DuchessofDerbyshire · 03/01/2021 22:21

Are you in the UK?

Does your culture mean that sex before marriage is frowned upon?

Some of your language here suggests English is not your first or native language and I wonder if there are cultural reasons behind his reluctance.

I think you ought to leave him. End it.

This is not a normal relationship.

And I do wonder why you have got to 28 and are still a virgin.

That is unusual.

Was it a lack of men in your life or did you have reasons for not having sex?

It makes me wonder if you judgement of what is normal in relationships is skewed, based on a limited experience with men.

Two years is long enough. If he's not desperate to shag you now, he never will be. He's not even prepared to be open with you about why he doesn't want sex.

I'm sorry but this isn't going to end happily.

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 22:24

@netflixandmixedgrill

Okay, sorry I got the wrong end of the stick!
It's all good, thanks for the help
OP posts:
Lollyneenah · 03/01/2021 22:24

Do you not have your own places?
And yes condoms are your responsibility as well as his. You can order them from Amazon

DuchessofDerbyshire · 03/01/2021 22:27

Also, you mentioned having to pay for birth control 'methods' you said- what was that? In the UK contraception is free from the GP.

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 22:34

@DuchessofDerbyshire

Are you in the UK?

Does your culture mean that sex before marriage is frowned upon?

Some of your language here suggests English is not your first or native language and I wonder if there are cultural reasons behind his reluctance.

I think you ought to leave him. End it.

This is not a normal relationship.

And I do wonder why you have got to 28 and are still a virgin.

That is unusual.

Was it a lack of men in your life or did you have reasons for not having sex?

It makes me wonder if you judgement of what is normal in relationships is skewed, based on a limited experience with men.

Two years is long enough. If he's not desperate to shag you now, he never will be. He's not even prepared to be open with you about why he doesn't want sex.

I'm sorry but this isn't going to end happily.

No, english is not my native language. And yes, our culture is very influenced by catholic religion. We both still live at our parents' homes, as we are single.

I do have a lack of "men experience" but not because I am not normal in relationships but I just didn't feel ready for it did not feel right before.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 22:36

@DuchessofDerbyshire

Also, you mentioned having to pay for birth control 'methods' you said- what was that? In the UK contraception is free from the GP.
We do not have our own places. It is unsual to do so before marriage here and I am not in the UK, quality birth control here is not free and a bit expensive I must add.
OP posts: