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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wont have sex with me

172 replies

ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 16:25

I am a 28 years old virgin, my boyfriend is not and he is also 28. We have been dating for 2 years, at the begining of our relationship he was much more interested in sex but I was not ready, we do have somo touching and oral experiences but not very often. I told him I want to do it and we talked about it, got tested, I started taking the pill, and even got lingerie, but he wont do it and I have asked several times if he wants it, he says yes but never acts on it and now he says he does not know when it will happen. Whats wrong with me? I am acting undesirible? Is he cheating?

OP posts:
Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 20:24

I love him and I don't want to dump him just for the sex part... it is not what our relantionship is based on, but I started to feel the need and here we are today. I guess if he could wait for a year and a half, I could too right?

OP posts:
Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 20:25

Stop, he is not gay ...

OP posts:
mistletoeandsigh · 03/01/2021 20:27

I don't think talking to him about "when he will want sex" is going to help.

Sounds like it's become built up to be this big thing and he's got a bit freaked out.

I'm not sure of the answer to this. Could you try initiating sex? NOT verbally, definitely physically.

Worriedandabitscared · 03/01/2021 20:31

I can't believe what I'm actually reading from some posters "try putting his erection inside of you" what? So if a woman didn't want to have sex would you encourage a man to put his erection inside of her? Honestly what the hell!?

OP, you need to speak to your boyfriend about it, he may be a PIV virgin, he may be asexual, he may have even been sexually assaulted in the past! but you need to have mature conversation about it and to see what he says and take it from there, if it's not a deal breaker for you then continue your relationship, if it is then leave but I'd suggest a discussion first to see if you can get to the root cause.

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 20:32

We have even traveled together, slept on the same bed, seen each other naked, done some oral and sexual touching, we just never get to the PiV... before him I had never done those things, I mean I think I have tried physically

OP posts:
Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 20:37

@Worriedandabitscared

I can't believe what I'm actually reading from some posters "try putting his erection inside of you" what? So if a woman didn't want to have sex would you encourage a man to put his erection inside of her? Honestly what the hell!?

OP, you need to speak to your boyfriend about it, he may be a PIV virgin, he may be asexual, he may have even been sexually assaulted in the past! but you need to have mature conversation about it and to see what he says and take it from there, if it's not a deal breaker for you then continue your relationship, if it is then leave but I'd suggest a discussion first to see if you can get to the root cause.

Don't worry I was not going to try that at all. It has to be consesual for it to be real and I do love him and I want to do it because I trust him and feel the need to connect with him in that level too, but it is not like I would force him into it, that's why I worry about because it makes me feel like he does not want to... despite saying he does
OP posts:
Lollyneenah · 03/01/2021 20:37

Do you both orgasm every time you get intimate, or near enough every time?

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 20:39

I think so yeah. I think he does every time, and for me is near enough

OP posts:
Lollyneenah · 03/01/2021 20:41

And sorry to be graphic but are your scratches touching when you're kissing etc? I mean like him on top of You, you sitting on his lap etc?
That will be much more natural than dressing yourself up in lingerie (you really don't need that at all)

Mrsmummy90 · 03/01/2021 20:41

From reading the thread, it sounds like there is a major lack of communication. You say he's not opening up to you so when you broach the subject, what is it you say? What does he say?

Sit down with him and explain that you feel ready to have sex with him but his lack of communication is worrying you. Ask him if there is a reason he won't sleep with you and is there anything you can do to make him more comfortable.
Ask him for complete honesty and respect his answers.

If he just doesn't want to for whatever reason, leave it be.

Lollyneenah · 03/01/2021 20:41

Crotches** not scratches!!

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 20:45

@Lollyneenah

Crotches** not scratches!!
Yes they do.
OP posts:
Lollyneenah · 03/01/2021 20:45

I think he is a virgin btw. I slept with a bloke in my 20s who was always dancing around the point rather than getting down to it.
In the end I just (sorry tmi!) Ended up on my back in bed, with him between my legs, guided the tip of his penis so it was just against the opening to my vulva and left it up to him to enter me.
I won't lie, it wasn't great, men need a few times to figure out motion and rhythm and things but that was the most chilled out way I could think of, not too much pressure for him hopefully.

joystir59 · 03/01/2021 20:46

I still think he is gay

Lollyneenah · 03/01/2021 20:48

But I think try to lay off the 'romancing' like lingerie and candles etc etc. Just be absolutely yourself and have the kind of evening where you are both at your most comfortable, nice light supper, a glass of wine, a film etc then a nice steamy kissing session that builds up into something more.

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 20:50

@Mrsmummy90

From reading the thread, it sounds like there is a major lack of communication. You say he's not opening up to you so when you broach the subject, what is it you say? What does he say?

Sit down with him and explain that you feel ready to have sex with him but his lack of communication is worrying you. Ask him if there is a reason he won't sleep with you and is there anything you can do to make him more comfortable.
Ask him for complete honesty and respect his answers.

If he just doesn't want to for whatever reason, leave it be.

Well whenever I tried to talk to him about it, I am very straight forward I have told him many times I want to do it, we talked about when I went to the doctor for a method (wich now it feels like money down the drain... ) and he is very simple to answer, he is not very explicit. Very short answers, usually yes/no responses... like avoiding it but he says he does want to do it. I asked him if he felt pressured and told him if he did not want to, it is ok and I would never push on something he is not ok with, but he says he is... he says it but it never happens
OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 03/01/2021 20:50

The thing is, you were honest with him when you weren’t ready- he is not being honest with you now. There must be some reason he does not want to have sex and if you are in a commuted relationship he owes you that explanation. He isn’t even saying he doesn’t want to, just not right now - well when then because I think that’s just a delayed tactic and quite cruel really.

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 20:56

@Lollyneenah

But I think try to lay off the 'romancing' like lingerie and candles etc etc. Just be absolutely yourself and have the kind of evening where you are both at your most comfortable, nice light supper, a glass of wine, a film etc then a nice steamy kissing session that builds up into something more.
Thanks! Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it and maybe it will happen someday soon. Maybe I have made him anxious by talking about it so much. I will just drop it and hope for the best... wait for a day we are alone, relaxed and things may lead to it. I don't want to feel rejected or unatractive to him... maybe it is my own insecurity that's driving me crazy
OP posts:
jrb123 · 03/01/2021 20:59

Guessing MNHQ will be along any minute to delete the thread while they do some searching behind the scenes.

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 21:00

@Regularsizedrudy

The thing is, you were honest with him when you weren’t ready- he is not being honest with you now. There must be some reason he does not want to have sex and if you are in a commuted relationship he owes you that explanation. He isn’t even saying he doesn’t want to, just not right now - well when then because I think that’s just a delayed tactic and quite cruel really.
So yo DO think I should talk to him again and ask why is he delaying it??? You called him gay, and now he is cruel... I don't understand where are you getting at? What would be your advice? To dump him??
OP posts:
Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 21:01

@jrb123

Guessing MNHQ will be along any minute to delete the thread while they do some searching behind the scenes.
What??
OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 03/01/2021 21:02

I have to say this whole thread, apart from a few posters,is depressing and shows the kind of hypocritical minds on here.
If the genders were switched it would be all about not pressuring her, respect her boundaries and being there for her.
As it is there is he is Gay, cheating, not normal and to leave him.
Its an absolute disgrace.
OP think how you would would feel if the same posters were saying this to your DH at the start of the realtionship when you were hesitating, although off course they wouldn't because for some there there is only one gender who is to blame

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 21:10

Yes, I am not trying to push him into it, I just need to understand because he won't say what is the reason he first wanted to and now he does not. He was once very sexually interested in me and was kind to understand that I was not ready... so what changed? I understand what you are saying and you are right in many ways... I am just looking for advice

OP posts:
netflixandmixedgrill · 03/01/2021 21:13

How often are you intimate now? And what kind of situations do you go from just being together to being intimate?

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/01/2021 21:15

Well we can dance around it all night but the options are;

Not interested.
Doesn’t know what to do.
Homosexual.
Porn addiction.
Major hang up he’s not telling you.

The human race would never have proliferated though if we didn’t have sex though. He’s over the biggest hurdle, he has a woman willing to do it.

He’s had two years I’d write it off or accept that this is it for him. He’s willing to live like this.

How does he plan on having kids?.