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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wont have sex with me

172 replies

ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 16:25

I am a 28 years old virgin, my boyfriend is not and he is also 28. We have been dating for 2 years, at the begining of our relationship he was much more interested in sex but I was not ready, we do have somo touching and oral experiences but not very often. I told him I want to do it and we talked about it, got tested, I started taking the pill, and even got lingerie, but he wont do it and I have asked several times if he wants it, he says yes but never acts on it and now he says he does not know when it will happen. Whats wrong with me? I am acting undesirible? Is he cheating?

OP posts:
Gogreengoblin · 03/01/2021 22:39

@Cheeseandwin5

I have to say this whole thread, apart from a few posters,is depressing and shows the kind of hypocritical minds on here. If the genders were switched it would be all about not pressuring her, respect her boundaries and being there for her. As it is there is he is Gay, cheating, not normal and to leave him. Its an absolute disgrace. OP think how you would would feel if the same posters were saying this to your DH at the start of the realtionship when you were hesitating, although off course they wouldn't because for some there there is only one gender who is to blame
Agree here
Gogreengoblin · 03/01/2021 22:40

Mental health can effect libido and erection problems

Mrgrinch · 03/01/2021 22:40

@Diverseduvet

Have you thought of trying to... sorry dont want yo get banned or be crude but have you considered trying to put his erection inside of you and see how he reacts?
Are you serious? That's sick.

Would you recommend a man to rape a woman if the roles were reversed?

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 22:42

@Gogreengoblin

Mental health can effect libido and erection problems
What are talking about? There are no mental health issues.... and he does not have erection problems..
OP posts:
Worriedandabitscared · 03/01/2021 22:44

@Cheeseandwin5

I have to say this whole thread, apart from a few posters,is depressing and shows the kind of hypocritical minds on here. If the genders were switched it would be all about not pressuring her, respect her boundaries and being there for her. As it is there is he is Gay, cheating, not normal and to leave him. Its an absolute disgrace. OP think how you would would feel if the same posters were saying this to your DH at the start of the realtionship when you were hesitating, although off course they wouldn't because for some there there is only one gender who is to blame
Completely agree, some attitudes are disgusting on here. Nothing against OP I understand why she's concerned but if this was a man asking about a woman the replies would be so different, no one would be suggesting she's gay or suggesting forcing it! They'd be sympathy right across the thread - there's many reasons he may not want PIV and op needs to speak to him about it - I don't mind any sexual act apart from oral because when I was younger I was forced to do it but could you imagine if my DH posted somewhere and people were suggesting he just put it in my mouth? Angry
theleafandnotthetree · 03/01/2021 22:55

If you can't talk about this with some level of ease and/or get more than a yes or no answer from him on something pretty fundamental - and which the vast majority of people would expect as part of a romantic relationship - well then I think your relationship as a whole is on shaky ground. It all sounds very awkward and false and surface level and revealing perhaps of an lack of intimacy in the wider sense where you can be open, make a fool of yourself, speak plainly, etc.

Slackarse · 03/01/2021 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 23:10

Thank you for the help, for the ones who actually tried to help. I still have concerns but for now I think I need to stop overthinking it... I believe I need to talk with him but perhaps I will let some air run between us before I bring the subject up again.

@slackarse I have never seen Borat, but I really hope you did not mean that as an insult to a culture different than your own.

OP posts:
ShouldIgonow · 03/01/2021 23:12

OP you’ve come onto a British site you’re probably going to get answers of that culture. Perhaps he’s waiting for marriage if that’s on the cards - then ask him if you will have intercourse after marriage?

Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 23:19

No, no.. it is not a cultural thing I never said that, the only aspect of it would be that we don't our own places I guess...

OP posts:
Original poster
ZoeRe · 03/01/2021 23:20

@ZoeRe

No, no.. it is not a cultural thing I never said that, the only aspect of it would be that we don't our own places I guess...
We don't have* our own places
OP posts:
BettyAndVeronica · 03/01/2021 23:27

It sounds like he is not keen, or even doesn't want to do it with you or at all.

Most men with a naked woman in their bed wanting sex and they haven't had it for 2+ years would be running out the door and down the street to find a shop to buy a condom. They would do what it takes!!

All these excuses, getting tested (he's had sex once and presumably would be using protection anyway), not having protection to hand, all this waiting. He doesn't want it.

bluebell34567 · 03/01/2021 23:32

sorry, is he gay?

Lex345 · 04/01/2021 00:15

Hi OP

To be honest, he sounds kind of shy and I suspect less experienced than he lets on. It must be quite difficult to relax in your parents' houses too. Just put all your cards on the table and have a really honest discussion with him; but try not to apportion blame ie avoid things like you dont seem to want to/why dont you want to/dont you fancy me etc. Sexual intimacy is what works for you as a couple, there is no "normal". It should be fun, angst is a major passion killer!

Osirus · 04/01/2021 00:33

@Slackarse

You sound like something out of Borat.
I can’t believe you just said that!
Hoping211 · 04/01/2021 00:49

The responses from some posters on this thread are disgusting. A number of people have literally suggested that the OP sexually assaults her partner. I sincerely hope @MNHQ are along soon to remove such comments. This is disgusting and could be extremely triggering for sexual abuse survivors to read, especially men.
Not to mention the blatant racism in a recent reply.

Original poster
ZoeRe · 04/01/2021 00:52

@Lex345

Hi OP

To be honest, he sounds kind of shy and I suspect less experienced than he lets on. It must be quite difficult to relax in your parents' houses too. Just put all your cards on the table and have a really honest discussion with him; but try not to apportion blame ie avoid things like you dont seem to want to/why dont you want to/dont you fancy me etc. Sexual intimacy is what works for you as a couple, there is no "normal". It should be fun, angst is a major passion killer!

Thanks! I hope that is it... if he is shy or can't relax I guess that would be better than not being atractive enough for him
OP posts:
covidaintacrime · 04/01/2021 00:53

I absolutely guarantee it's not to do with your attractiveness, OP. There will be another cause Smile

Original poster
ZoeRe · 04/01/2021 00:55

@Hoping211

The responses from some posters on this thread are disgusting. A number of people have literally suggested that the OP sexually assaults her partner. I sincerely hope *@MNHQ* are along soon to remove such comments. This is disgusting and could be extremely triggering for sexual abuse survivors to read, especially men. Not to mention the blatant racism in a recent reply.
Yeah, I would never do that... it's not the point of this whole thing
OP posts:
Original poster
ZoeRe · 04/01/2021 00:55

@covidaintacrime

I absolutely guarantee it's not to do with your attractiveness, OP. There will be another cause Smile
Thank you... :)
OP posts:
Hoping211 · 04/01/2021 01:00

Sorry @ZoeRe wasn't trying to suggest for a moment that you might follow any of the horrendous advice. And it's a shame that you've received such shit replies. The repeated insistence that he must be gay is also ridiculous! Imo it sounds like he's just feeling shy/under pressure and that looking for ways to relieve that pressure and your own anxiety (such as reminding yourself that there's no reason to think he isn't attracted to you) might help.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 04/01/2021 01:11

Sounds like it's been built up too much. There's an awful lot of pressure, and constantly asking when it will happen and why he hasn't made a move yet can't be helping.

Original poster
ZoeRe · 04/01/2021 01:25

Thanks! I think the best would be to drop the subject for now and stop overthinking about it, stop expecting it, and enjoy what we do have, which is more than just sex.. maybe after some time we will do it or we can at least talk about it and we what we both need... I honestly feel is affecting my selfesteem and I do feel afraid of trying to get him to it and being rejected.. someone commented that any man would run to a shop to get a condom but he did not, he never does, and that feels like rejection already.. so what if I have condoms with me and he still says no? What if this preassure I apparently have put on him has ruined it for ever? I know that it is great to have someone who never forced me into it when I was not ready... but what about now?

OP posts:
Original poster
ZoeRe · 04/01/2021 01:27

So maybe the best is really to forget about it, at least for now Sad

OP posts:
JurassicParkAha · 04/01/2021 01:31

Hi OP, just to say, there's two of you in this relationship. You're not his mother, his psychiatrist or priest to help him with his emotional baggage and unpick why he won't have sex with you. That is not your role in a romantic relationship.

He too has a responsibility to not leave you feeling so unsure and insecure about yourself, because he doesn't want to discuss it. I think that is selfish and inconsiderate. A romantic relationship does require sex eventually and unless he believes your needs are irrelevant, he should respect you enough to explain what's going on. And not leave you reaching out to internet strangers for advice.

If you raise it with him explain why you're confused and how it's making you feel. If he still doesn't want to discuss it, I don't think he's as nice or considerate as you'd like to think. You are too young to have to psychoanalyse anyone - sex should be a fun, joyous, relaxed experience. If it's not, and there aren't any reasons forthcoming, don't feel bad about putting yourself first and walking away.