Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I’m so sorry you are feeling crap @Clovertoast, what a terrible night you’ve had. But if I’m honest I cannot for the life of me understand how you don’t know what to do or how you’ve been left in limbo. His actions show he doesn’t respect or care for you, only for himself (whether that is the depression or his character or something else causing it, his actions are speaking loud and clear). And then in his words he’s even clearer: he can’t give you anything. So your next move is crystal clear: wish him well but let him go. There is nothing for you with him but pain and anxiety. Rip the plaster off. Please.

@Ruralbliss good luck with the date! I've had a couple of irons with poorly pets during our time chatting, and always ask after them - but I have pets myself so know what it's like. Some of my male friends just wouldn't get it.

In fact, really strangely I recently found a dinner receipt from 2002 for a meal I had with my girlfriend at the time. No idea why I still have it! I still remember the night vividly as we had a huge argument after dinner as I was feeling down about my parents' cat being terminally ill (the family pet I'd grown up with) and she just couldn't comprehend why I'd be upset about a pet.

@Whoknows11 I've only done it once I think - last month when I met someone for a coffee and walk in the afternoon, then someone else for drinks in a pub later in the evening (back in the good old days before Tier 4).

@TheCatWithTheHat it does feel like that.
He said he doesn't know why he cant fall into complete happiness when he's with me. He said he doesn't know whether thats because he doesn't care enough about me or whether it's his depression.
So I'm left not knowing ?
He suggested now Christmas is out of the way we carry on after he's had some space and he can look at his feelings.
Ouch

Long time lurker here but previous prolific poster! @Clovertoast be kind to yourself and as others have said think carefully about what you want and what he brings to your life that is positive.

One thing that stood out for me is that he said he loves you, I would ask yourself in what way does he show that love to you?

I personally couldn't stay with someone who has told me all the things they can't offer in the future, did he say what he can offer you?

You sound lovely and very caring, please expend that love and care on someone who appreciates it and reciprocates it. You don't need to fix him to try and be the man you want him to be.

@TigsytheTiger he said he doesn't know what he can offer me. He said he doesn't know what he wants. He says he is so damaged by the divorce and the grief he wont ever let his guard down again.
I dont think I want to get married and move in etc right now anyway, but it's now been shelved obviously.
The WhatsApp thing is still niggling me too.
I'm not sure how I've ended up agreeing to this limbo.
I did say if he couldn't say he loved me and wanted to be with me he should let me go and he said no, no thats not what I want.
Meh who knows
....

Oooh @Clovertoast he suggested that? I'd be suggesting he can have all the space he likes to sort out his feelings. Sorry that just annoyed me.

And he loves you! Words are fucking cheap. My first fiancé loved me, that's why I made him frustrated enough to hit me. My exH loved/loves me but screamed in my face for 20 minutes while our DD sat crying in the utility room a month before I left, or on Christmas Eve called me a Slut, a horrific wife and an abusive mum.
Mr Swan loves me (friends wise) but can still take 2 days to answer a text. My mum loves me but hasn't phoned me in 18 months because she doesn't agree that I should have left exH.

Sorry that came out as a rant, but the words I love you are used as manipulation, as control, as an excuse. I will only believe them when they come with validating actions.

My DD2 who said she loved me as we had a laugh making lip balms on NYD or dancing round the kitchen this morning. Ms Jam sitting on my couch - properly engaged and focused on our two way chats, drinking wine and making funny videos, watching movies and singing along to songs for 10 hours on Boxing Day telling me she loves me and so glad we met and became good friends.
@Dancerinthemoonlight checking in on me everyday.
Me putting my make up on and taking a pretty selfie or writing down all the good things I did in 2020.
My DGS saying the best part of his day was coming to my house.
My DD1 picking out a perfect eye pallet for me for Christmas because she struggles with words.

That's real love.

He's just a manipulative 'oh poor me' prick and I'm angry on your behalf.

This is Not your fault in anyway, do whatever you need to do to get over this, you can, you are awesome. Then pick yourself up and realise love is all around you for real.

clovertoast read your posts back - its all about what he wants and what he doesn't want - nowhere have you indicated he had considered what you want and need at all. Even your last statement is telling - you said let you go if he can't offer you love as its not fair and he's replied its not what he wants 🤷‍♀️🤬

Great point @Slothmomma

@Clovertoast why don't you tell us what you want?

@Onesmallstep67 - I think I would have gone with Pringles so I could quip “once you pop you can’t stop”

Well said @TheCatWithTheHat. I always liked that much quoted line from Maya Angelou, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”.

Hello all.

Sorry to read about you and Mr P @Clovertoast

I've been here and danced this dance. A man who is worthy of you will NEVER make you feel the way Mr P is now. You went to his, cooked him dinner and cleaned his carpet!!!

He answered his phone. Left the room to take the call. Didn't tell you who it was and has changed his WA settings...

Made no space for you on the sofa. (I think I would have left at this point).

Have you said you love each other before? It seems an odd time for him to say it given that things are so clearly off between you.

My advice would be not to let him do the deciding. This isn't working for you. It's more making you happy. And you know you deserve more. You deserve someone who is happy to see you and shows it. Who cooks for you. Who makes space for you on his sofa.

*it's not making you happy...

clover from what he's telling you he's saying he wants to keep you around incase he's lonely etc. He's told you now there is no real future, which is what you want sometime in the future.

As hard as it is I think you should tell him you aren't on the same page. He's NOT good enough for you.

In other news I must have swiped left on over 100 men today. I'm not sure how people have many irons, I can't even find 1 I would want to speak to ☹

@bangheadhere40, is it looks, bio, distance or other things that put you off so many of the men online ? I haven't been on any apps for some months so I am not sure how slim the pickings are. Although others do seem to find a fairly steady stream of potential irons.

@Clovertoast
I actually think he has someone else who he is chatting to and he wants you on the back burner in case it doesnt work out...he can do what he likes while you give him space but you can sit at home patiently waiting for him.

Fuck that - you are worth so much more.

What exactly can he offer that you cant get elsewhere? (Apart from being the first man to show an interest since your marriage ended)

You dont have to give him all the options, you have choices to.
You dont have to do anything right now except try to build your own little life - something which doesnt involve a man being the centre of it.

@Onesmallstep67 distance doesn't bother me, I live in the middle of nowhere anyway so I've got no chance of meeting anyone local.

It's mainly looks I think and bio, a mix of the two.

clover sadly I think sorting might be right there. I don't see why he would change WA settings unless you would then see he's online all the time and wonder what he was doing.

How are you doing now?

I agree with @SortingItOut (and I bet he’s not doing all this shitty weird passive aggressive behaviour with his new contact).

Either way I hope your ok @Clovertoast and although it probably feels quite overwhelming I’d definitely concentrate first on building your own confidence and your own mental health for now - take a step back with contact, go for a run or walk, if he asks you over make an excuse. Keep posting here if you need to let off steam

@bangheadhere40 Quite often I'll swipe left 100 times and not find anyone. Then other days, there will be a few I like in that 100. And out of those very few match me back. So to get the matches I've got shows you how much time I've spent swiping the last couple of weeks!

At this rate, when I finally do find someone who's perfect for me, and me for them, they will literally be one in a million!

@Whoknows11 ahhhhhh heady (no pun intended) memories of one night in university where I had my wicked 4th year way with a gorgeous tall long blonde haired 1st year, left his room & walked into the students union where I got chatted up by a visiting African prince (actual) - agreed to go back to his hotel room in nearby town stayed up all night then snuggled all day watching films. He was so nice.

He bought a ticket for first ever National Lottery so I often spare a little wistful thought when I see or hear of NL
Good times.

My date with MrGeog today was fine. Although I thought he was beautiful to look at facially he was not a towering hunk of a bloke which appears to be my failing & no thanks to last two romances being 6'4 each - ffs.
My tall friend is outraged that I should be attracted to tall blokes as she thinks petite women like me should leave the tall ones to her.

I took a small picnic & hot drinks as did he so we spent amicable times walking and talking.

Was proud of myself for sending a 'you are lovely but we're not a good long term match & I'm not interested in anything other than a possible long term thing these days' text as soon as I got home. Took some doing though and I can't face reading his response just yet.

SleepyBunk

@bangheadhere40

I’d say it’s not a comparison - we all have different criteria and parameters and schedules and goals.

Plus some people are more comfortable managing new social contacts than others (I’m introverted and ASD so I know I socially burn out quicker than average !)

Overall I felt I had more than enough contacts last summer to keep me going (live in a big sprawling city) . I feel confident even if my current irons bail there’s lots for me.

but also there were still days when swiping felt like pointless - not sure if it was the algorithm or my mindset at the time!

I think it’s also important to keep your personal preferences and mental health and boundaries foremost - lots of bad dates or unsuitable contacts can just wear you down!

Well this is a new one - got onto the subject of pets with a recent match, and I've just been told men with cats are "anti sexy". Well, I guess she's one of the 999,999 then!

My drive to date today was bizarrely like a tour of romances past and helped me work some stuff out.

MrLCD - drive past the place we had first date and my tyre blew out so we were forced to smooch on a picnic blanket by a lake until rescue came. Narcissistic heartbreaker but so very funny, musical talent & lovely house

MrLFC & MrBass - met both on the same date but a year apart in same location I met today's date & drive past MrBass's house. One was broke & depressed said he adored me but as someone said upthread to @Clovertoast words are cheap. The other went off the boil but I called it & walked off with head held high ;after I'd wept for three days)

MrTall - drove past place his car died on the day I put all his stuff outside my door & told him we were done (mad, bad n sad but we're still in touch sporadically with musical gifts)

MrVW - pulled in to car park of pub we had 2nd date & now legendary incredible snog to top up my windscreen wash today plus drove past location of first date n snog.
Sooooo many things I liked about this one but sadly in the most important depts of liking me, being a cerebral match or sexual compatibility he was dire.

Decided that I've had a great couple of years of dating but will attempt to now not go on apps for 'a while' (hours? days? weeks? months?) while pandemic rages on and my appetite for meeting strangers and risking contracting killer virus is low (and presumably richer pickings once others who feel the same way join up?)

I'll do my oft talked about Venn of men and try to work out which things I'm seeking in a person so the process of sifting will be more straightforward when I do get back to swiping.

Will also start MSc, get lost fitness back and finish renovating house 💪

@ruralbliss I did feel quite strange about it all yesterday. And I'm not sure how I feel about it now but what do I have to loose...

Mr Brain is lovely but not great on paper! Also happy to date others, which seems to be his pattern. Although he's yet to meet anyone, says he's just been chatting! He's honest so that's a plus poi t.
Mr Fit is cute, good on paper but just a little on the short side as only 2 inches taller than me 😳 however I'm keen to see him again and the feeling it mutual which is good!

A shame your date wasn't a total hit @ruralbliss. Are you chatting to any others?

@Whoknows11 on my first full weekend of OLD freedom (ie no offspring around) I had a naughty fumble with a man at a service station on the m4 then a very handsy/kissy first date in the evening with Mr Mad in a pub, topped off by a fantastic shag with my first sexual partner since XH on the Sunday. All at the grand old age of 55. Happy happy days!