Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Clovertoast - really absolutely dire behaviour. The back scratching thing is just one example of a little manipulations which are deliberately designed to upset you. But then there's the victim narrative of his depression, tiredness or whatever, so where can you go with this? Seems like a waypoint on a downhill path. There's definitely an option to fork left if you want.

Just wanted to check in and send an unmumsnetty hug to @Clovertoast and just to say I think you did the right thing seeing him in person with your new found knowledge and vision.

Have caught up on the thread and it's awful reading. It brought back a lot of bad memories of when my exh first started switching off from me (as head was turned by OW) and that feeling of panic and desperately trying to get the real him to come back to me. When you're trying your best but nothing seems to be good enough (eg offering to wash up and having it thrown back at you).

I'm not sure if he has found someone else, clover, but for whatever reason he seems to have "checked out". I cried so much when this realisation hit me, please be kind to yourself. We're all here for you

[quote DudeFromThatLondon]@Clovertoast - really absolutely dire behaviour. The back scratching thing is just one example of a little manipulations which are deliberately designed to upset you. But then there's the victim narrative of his depression, tiredness or whatever, so where can you go with this? Seems like a waypoint on a downhill path. There's definitely an option to fork left if you want. [/quote]
I picked up on that too. It’s mean it’s manipulative and it’s cruel knowing a back scratch/rub usually leads.

Have you done a Clare’s law check on this fellow ? I can only imagine the unimaginable hell emotionally he put his exW through ( and continues to text her rudely !) and I’m pretty sure that ‘ shove ‘ was probably one in a line of ‘ shoves’ that broke the camels back.

He may be depressed but he’s being a total arsehole. Leave his unwashed self and let’s see how long before his new thing starts getting this treatment !!!!!!!!

Sending lots of love @Clovertoast

Hi, just checking in, a bit late as I didn't see the thread had ended.
On some other long term threads the OP would post as link to the new one at the end of the old one so so one got left behind.... an idea maybe.

@Clovertoast he is a piece of shit. The sitting on different sofas thing alone - I had ten years of this from my ex who prioritised himself in everything and who has left me broken and desolate. Please don't continue with him, he does not nourish you in any way.

As for me - I'm 6 weeks out of a 13 yr relationship with the massive narcissist. I have severe abandonment issues so I returned to him every time he dumped me, accepting a lower and lower form of commitment every time, and I am now struggling from day to day to keep going.

I joined Bumble as a distraction and to prove to myself that other men could be interested in me. Well they are, but as you know it's a mixed bag!

I swipe left on anyone that says "No drama" (and it's a LOT of them) as to me this just means "I will be right about everything and if you don't agree it's you creating the drama".

I have met someone from Bumble irl twice. Before I did I explained my situation to him and said I wasn't ready for a relationship. We have kept this at the front of our understanding of each other and he said he wants to carry on being friends. He's nice, and funny, and our worlds are similar, but I don't feel attracted to him at all. This is partly because he has quite an effeminate voice for such a tall and well built man. But also because I'm reeling from the shock of my split.

Hope you get home as soon as possible clovertoast.if you're still there,I probably wouldn't question any of his behaviour as men like this are always right. Dump him from the comfort of your home if you can find the strength to do it. And you probably dont want to as you still care for him,so perhaps just have some time for you if that's the case.

@RhusTox, someone usually does do the link to the new thread but we have quite a number of regulars on here and on that occasion the thread rattled along very quickly in response to the situation that was unfolding for Clover.
Sorry to hear that your long term RS has ended. It sounds like you have made a considered start with moving on. Always difficult and even more so in the current climate.

@RhusTox - we normally would add the link to the new thread but it was full before one of us (I) got chance to do it. - I tagged you (and as many as I can remember in an opening message to guide you all here).

@Clovertoast we are right here standing behind you, shoring you up and giving you strength

I agree with @Ruralbliss - he will have his own narrative and he's building the poor me it's based upon. Just let him wallow in his own self created nonsense.

RhusTox well done for getting on bumble and having a couple of dates,even if it is just friends from your side.
I expect he wants more and as long as he knows you don't, then that's good. This has happened to me a few times and although I tell them I'm not ready for a relationship and just want friendship,deep down i know of i really fancied them and found them attractive,I'd be ready for a relationship!

Well,my tinder guy went weird on me,hadn't messaged since Friday when he mentioned meeting today and last night got a random night night sleep well message. Nothing else. Nothing about meeting today,when last week he had been chatty. I cant cope with flakes and people mucking me about so I just unmatched.
He also asked for my phone number last week so could send 'pics' to each other and video call( I said let's meet first) and now I'm thinking,yep,bullet dodged.

Hello new thread!

I went on 2 dates yesterday!!

Has anyone done this before?

6th date with Mr Brain and 1st date with Mr Fit.

Both went well. Mr Brain is loi.g to date others and is happy that I am. Surely they'll come a point when he's not fine with that? Or in people's experience will he always be non committal?

Mr Fit seemed lovely and the complete opposite to Mr Brain 🤣

Off to meet MrGeog now with my painted nails which probs will stay in gloves although thankfully a bit milder here today.

A couple of possible amber flags - I have a poorly animal who has been to vets a few times since we started chatting. No Qs as to well-being of animal.

Seems like a ditherer. I am the opposite of a ditherer.

Will be simpler if no spark cos Covid.
Win win!

Hello all, I am overwhelmed by your replies.
I asked him what was wrong, why he was pulling away. I told him I could feel it. I told him as soon as we got into bed.
We talked till 3.30am when he fell asleep.
He told me he loves me but his guard is permanently up and the closer he has got to me the more panicked he feels. He says he has started to assume I am going to want more and if he is honest he cant ever offer me more.
He said he never wants to get married, live together or blend money and family.
I asked him why he had started dating then but he didn't really answer that !
He said he feels his glass more half full with me then half empty?? Whatever that means.
He acknowledged it's been crap.
He said he needs space to sort himself out, that he doesn't want to give up on us and that his depression is spiralling out of control.
He says the loss of the parent, combined with lockdown, isolation and arguing with his ex has made him feel worse than usual.
He says he doesn't want to hurt me or lead me on.
I said I loved him but if he really doesn't love me to let me go because it isnt fair.
We've left it that he needs space.
Hes changed his WhatsApp privacy settings too, alleging he doesn't want anyone watching him. I pulled him up on it but he says I was being silly it has nothing to do with me.

So there we are.
I feel gutted and sick.
I don't know what to do

Here to hold your hand @Clovertoast I'm glad you had a conversation about it even though I remember that reeling/sick feeling all too well. Speaking as someone with occasional poor mental health, it sounds like in that particular conversation he was as honest as he could be. It's up to you now to decide if you'd like to wait around.. but to be honest with you, from what you've written about him, he doesn't seem worth waiting around for. He clearly has deep rooted issues that caused difficulty with his previous relationship and I know all too well that popping a few antidepressants won't fix that. He had time to be proactive about resolving it and he hasn't, instead chose to become bitter and even more angry than he was before.
I know it's so hard, I really do. Sending you strength (and please get some sweet tea. I know it's cliche but it helps). X

@Whoknows11, 2 dates in a day was quite a thing at one point with posters on this thread. The last time I did it was back in Feb. I had met the first guy the day before and went back to his the following lunchtime to DTD. Then I met the 2nd guy in the evening. I wasn't really focused in date 2 and don't think I brought my A game, he was very gorgeous and lovely but I was too distracted by events earlier in the day ! previously I have been naughtier still.
Maybe to give ourselves a bit of light relief we could share some of our funnier or stranger dating experiences ? I met a guy once for some very rude sex in a hotel. After we had 'finished' he said I'm starving now and offered me a bag of Frazzles which was on the bedside table. The memory of it still makes me smile

Sorry @Clovertoast, cross post. Ignore my silly dating anecdote x

@Clovertoast i think you need to listen to him. He isn't feeling ready for you right now. But I do think there are red flags, calls upstairs, hiding settings on the phone. You should really take a step back. He is trying to let you down easily.

@Clovertoast I'm so sorry it turned out like that, it's an awful feeling. I kind of feel now you are in limbo which isn't fair on you.

Do you think you could just tell him it's not working out? Or are you thinking it's best to give him space and see what happens?

The anxiousness of being left in limbo is worse in my experience.

@Clovertoast what @Heartbeats0708 and @Eesha said. I echo it all. Just take time lovely. Cry if you need to but keep looking back at what you told us. Depression is hard but your gut says there's more to it. I also think he's letting you down gently.

@Onesmallstep67 . Frazzles? Was he northern? (I am originally)

Second all those thoughts. Some closure would help @Clovertoast?

@Clovertoast, I think you should take some time today to process some of your feelings and thoughts. Reflect on what he has said and how it's making you feel. Like banghead I am not great with being left in limbo so I suggest you make some of the decisions for yourself. For example say that you won't speak to him now for a set period of time, be that a day or two or even longer. Everything is very raw at the moment

@Onesmallstep67 I think I'd have fallen love on the spot ❤️ frazzles

@DudeFromThatLondon, we were both in the midlands. If memory serves me correctly he is originally from somewhere just south of London. he popped up again on Tinder earlier in the year . His hugely romantic and eloquent texts usually said things like "vids ? pics? horny" @cravingthelook, I declined the Frazzles, they give me indigestion

@Clovertoast sorry to hear about last night. One thing my counsellor told me is that I need to pay attention to what people say. You say he told you he will never want more. No marriage, blending of families, moving in together. That's a pretty strong statement to make, and is a massive red flag right there. If you want any of that, you're only going to end up hurt.

From what you've said, he doesn't really want you in his life, but he wants to be lonely and alone even less.

Do you really want to be someone's "least worst option"? You deserve so much more.

@TheCatWithTheHat well said but extremely hearbreaking to read.