Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Good work @Wasail - you have unlocked the code and algorithm. I'm going to give that a whirl myself now. Once I get a bumble match that is. Which is rare. More often I get to the end of the pack. But one of the threadmen down thread said it felt like more people are signing up for the apps this weekend so maybe there'll be some new faces...

Threadmen. That's made me chuckle. Sounds liked it should be in a song. 🎵I am a threadman for the counteee🎵

I'll get my coat.

clover your evening sounds rubbish. Pay attention to all your feelings - note down in your phone, if you can, all your emotions tonight. How you feel about Mr P and everything that's happened today. Then when you're on your own and miss his company, read it. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

@Clovertoast that doesn’t sound like a good night at all - sending love

Just listened to this @Clovertoast
Something to watch when you are home and away from MrP

Sending unmsnetty big hugs and big-ups to you.

So he's back from his call. Didnt tell me who it was. I was quiet so he's asked why I am now quiet and grumpy!!
He said he has a headache and I didn't say anything so he's said in a sarcastic way " oh have you mr P, poor you!"
He then asked my advice on a stain in his carpet, I stupidly offered to help with it and he sat there texting on his phone while I cleaned his carpet !
He's now texting again, I'm still on the sofa.
I'm.logginh this all here in purpose.
Still no hug, no kiss, no affection.

@Clovertoast

what time can you get home? Will you get a lift tomorrow, can you make an excuse and get public transport or a taxi back sooner?

For tonight with him I’d just mentally check out a bit - don’t get into any big discussions or let him know your thoughts , just be vague and polite and pass the time till you can get home.

Keep your emotions to yourself.

(I don’t think you want to get dragged into an argument right now - just bide your time until you can get safe back home and put your phone to the side and have some breathing/thinking space.

You don’t want to tip him off and him creating some new drama or start telling you about some more of his needs to get you involved more)

I really want to raise it.
There is such a difference in how he is being with me.
There is such an atmosphere, I want to know why
I don't understand what has happened.
When he was washing up and I was cooking he said his back was aching so I offered to finish the washing up.
He snapped at me " are you suggesting I'm.not capable of washing up ? "
When I pulled him up on it he said ignore me I'm being a twat tonight. So there is something?
I don't understand how I was so happy 2weeks ago now this.

@Clovertoast

You can’t win- offer to do washing ( why on earth you did that !!! After cooking !!) he snaps

He’s left you to sort out the carpet stain !

No hug no kiss no endearing words.

Getting up to take a call and increased phone use- i wonder if he hasn’t had his head turned by someone else. Good riddance though at this rate!

I'm.logging now to look back on and for all of you to see how dire this is...

He asked for a back scratch which normally turns into back rub and sex..ahem...no he wanted a back scratch.
He offered to make tea.
I moved to sit next to him on the sofa, he sat forward. I caved and asked what was wrong as he looks uncomfortable and on edge.
No, hes just tired apparently.
I went to the loo, got back, hes lying on the sofa again so I can't sit there.
I feel shit

@Clovertoast I'm really sorry that you are being treated this way.
My immediate thought was that he has had his head turned but whatever the reason, you don't deserve to be treated like this.

@Clovertoast my XH started behaving like a bigger c*nt than before to us when he started being interested in his OW

Took me a year of putting up with his terrible behaviour before I finally said "That's it. We're done" & he was straight into a relationship with her.

Should have called it immediately & allowing a year to pass with his awful behaviour is my biggest regret. It's a year I'll never get back (& my eldest suffers PTSD plus failed all her GCSEs because of him but that's not relevant to you)

I'm pretty sure (and I'm so so sorry to be the one to spell it out to you) nice loving fun MrP has gone (or really never existed he just managed to convince you for a short time) & he's lost the feels for you for whatever reason (probably because he's a damaged dude who doesn't deserve lovely you)

For your own sanity I suggest telling him you're out.

You don't owe him any explanation other than 'You & your behaviour are not what I need long term'

Cooking, cleaning, back scratching will not bring back 'nice MrP' they will just demean you & you shouldn't want to be with anyone who is ok with treating you like that.

Easier said than done I know.
So sorry.

Being single is far better than being in a dire relationship with a dire man.

@Clovertoast
I'm so sorry Mr P is acting like this, i wonder if he invited you round for his own validation?
You told him you were walking to clear your head so he might have panicked that you were thinking of ending it and invited you round to make sure you still liked him and then got you to cook food (WTAF - did he just want you to cook for him becausehe cant be bothered to do it himself) to prove to himself he was wanted.

Either there is a family issue going on that he doesnt want to tell you or he has had his head turned.

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through but I think its good you've taken on board what we all said and you can see it for itself.

I hope you can get home asap this morning so you dont have to put up with his nonsense, and if you dont get home do not cook him Sunday dinner!!!

@Clovertoast this sounds like he has someone else. His behaviour seems rude and sneaky and he seems irritated with you. I would really take a step back at this point. There is something wrong here.

Like ruralbliss my xh started acting like a c*nt too once he'd started his affair with ow. It came out of nowhere and completely threw me as the change was so drastic. I obviously pulled him on it and just kept getting "its nothing", "just tired", "work stress. I'm still not sure whether the guilt eating away at him changed him or whether he was deliberately trying to hurt me to make me finish it and give him an excuse or to make it easier for him to finish it as at that point I didn't like him much because of how horrible he was being

You deserve better - we all do

@Clovertoast, your account of his behaviour makes for difficult reading when you have already told us how much it's affecting you. I hope you have managed to get some sleep. Try to get home now and take some time to reflect on his actions and what they mean for you. He may be sad and depressed but he has behaved in a totally self absorbed way. Even in the toughest of times we should be able to connect with those closest to us, a hug, a squeeze of your hand, some non verbal acknowledgement of ' I know this is rubbish but I am glad you here'. He's clearly not worried about showing you this side of him, as someone said, testing your boundaries.

I don't know about the OW scenarios as I have never been in that situation but it seems clear that some of Mr P's behaviour fits with the experiences others on here have sadly encountered.

I am sorry about how you have been treated @Clovertoast by MrP. I hope you find the strength to walk after his behavior last night .

I’ll join the chorus @Clovertoast - he’s not treating you very well at all and to worsen his crimes he expects , or accepts with ingratitude, your favours. It must be horrible for you, I’m really sorry. Is he really so unconscious of his behaviour ? It feels like he’s going for the constructive dismissal (cowardly) method of saying he doesn’t want things to carry on, by behaving so badly that you walk, to suit his self pitying narrative.

He's almost done you a favour clover by not even trying to be a decent human being. There can be nothing there for you now, so hopefully it will be easier to end it. But utterly heartbreaking that he could turn like that when you have done nothing but show him kindness and be supportive. Get yourself home, wallow in the shitness of the situation - then get yourself up, dust yourself off, and be proud of moving on when you had to, and not lingering in a loveless relationship.

On an unrelated note, I dreamt about my recent ex last night, rural! Never have before, and I'm getting better at banishing him from my thoughts. He'd left the OW, and I was telling his aunt (he hasn't got one) that he hurt me too much and I couldn't take him back. I wanted to though, even in the dream. So I did quite well I think.

Once I'd told my XH to sling his hook elsewhere he couldn't get gone fast enough.

Not long after I called him out on this telling him he'd never apologised for his appalling behaviour or made any attempt to try to fix our 20+ year relationship before skipping off to his new life.
He denied this and accused me of being abusive towards him (because I was anything less than adoring for once). His alternative reality and narrative was so far from the truth it would have been funny if it wasn't so hurtful.

@Clovertoast I would take heed of the scant facts you have about his split from XW

If she had to call the police it's likely MrP has the ability to be a proper abusive bastard and what you are seeing now could well be the thin edge of a very fat wedge of dire behaviour.

There's probably little point in challenging him or trying to get him to explain what's changed as, if he's anything like my XH, his view will likely be a work of fiction that puts others as the baddies not him.

Hope you get back home soon. Give those teens a squeeze.

And remember staying with MrP is optional. You do not have to put up with his rubbish and all the confusion that comes with it.

@WeWantTheFinestWines how very funny about the dream. See what I mean about it being a welcome cinematic experience!

And YES! for first night since forever (well since the late November ghosting) I did NOT dream of MrVW

Hooray because although they're nice dreams they made him be front and centre of my brain each day which is completely daft.

I'm so glad I sent the text and so glad he eventually sent a half hearted dire reply which won't get responded to by me.

It's not always possible to get closure from these dire men but very pleased I have.

Oh and @Clovertoast you know this already but this thread is here for you for support when you get home and are processing the emotional fallout from last nights sleepover at MrP's