Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@freelancedolly tbh i know ill be welcoming to him but would need to understand what happened. I'm not sure we would be ok as a couple though. I know it's easy to say he's cruel but I think when people have mental issues etc, they can get selfish and withdrawn. It's not right, and not for me, but I just think ultimately he has to be ok with the fact that he's treated me this way after all our time together. He knows how much I care.

This is exactly what I was trying to say but @freelancedolly has put it much, much better than me!
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't need to be 'about' you and him in order for it to be unacceptable - ultimately this is about the way that he prioritises his needs above other people's obvious distress"
Mental health is such a subjective thing and people deal with it differently. I'm a "withdraw/shutdown" but I always communicate this and if I need more time, I can do a short light-hearted chat before saying I'm not quite there yet. It's the line between social communication difficulties and rudeness and where you draw that though.

Yes people with MH issues can get selfish and withdrawn, but I think you’re very much demoting your feelings and needs beneath his here. It doesn’t matter that you’ve been left hanging, ignored, etc - because you’re contorting yourself trying to see it from his perspective. You are denying yourself the expression of anger or indignation and therefore left with confusion and sadness. I don’t say that in any judgment as I behaved in exactly the same way with my previous iron and looking back lost a month of my life to the angst and confusion. I found my anger a bit later on and now feel absolute relief I’m not with him

My current iron is not without his complications but he’s much more straightforward and when he’s down and has retreated “to his cave”, he communicates as such and never ignores or gets defensive when challenged. These are such difficult times for us all but it’s making me realise that the ability to communicate without fear of reprisal or stonewalling is absolutely key to making it through this bloody pandemic at least - let alone the more normal challenges that life inevitably chucks our way.

@Eesha
So sorry to hear about your friends parents, how terribly sad for everyone who knew and loved them.

I'm gutted Mr Yoga hasn't stepped up more and you don't have any support right now.

Others have already said what I would say so I won't repeat it but I just wanted to recommend you either get counselling or work on why you are attracted to men with issues which mean they can never give you 100%.
Loads of potential reasons including that you dont think you deserve to be treated well so you pick men who in the long term dont treat you well and it reinforces that you dont deserve to be loved and cared for...right through to you being a fixer and people pleaser so you're drawn to men who need fixing/more support than most.

I hope Mr Yoga does at least come back and speak to you to explain but regardless he doesnt seem the right fit for you as a long term partner because he cant offer the love and support you need especially during stressful times.

Have a hug 🤗🤗 because I think you need one.

A little life update from me not dating related. I haven't caught up with the thread.
I have just been offered the temporary position and I start on Monday 😁 I'm over the moon.
I also have an interview on Tuesday for a maternity cover position and an interview on Wednesday for a permanent position. Things are really beginning to look up this year.

@Eesha I'm really sorry to hear about your sad news today

@Dancerinthemoonlight congratulations, that's brilliant news!

Congratulations @Dancerinthemoonlight 🍾🎉

I’m really happy to hear your news @Dancerinthemoonlight, that’s made my day!

@freelancedolly did you ever get my DM? I'm an old poster, occasionally lurker. I didn't want to say this in public but I've dated your last iron and I knew he wasn't looking for what you were. I'm glad you confronted him and he's gone, although sorry to hear it for your sake. If that makes sense.

I've given up on finding a man of my age who's worth giving up my content ness for. I got a dog and I have a vibrator.

Occasionally lurk, but most of my peers met someone and disappeared. Congrats @Dancerinthemoonlight by the way.

Shit. I think it's your current iron I'm referring to. He was sniffing around me over Christmas.

I've been keeping up on everything - congratulations @Dancerinthemoonlight; so sorry @Eesha and I echo everyone's views on here - you are allowed to have needs and to want them to be met.
No dating so no point hanging around really, but I do like dipping in and trying to keep up with everyone's adventures. Hope we are at the beginning of the end of the tunnel - I wonder if the sites will go mental once we can actually meet people again?

Well done @Dancerinthemoonlight

@Eesha that’s shit I’m so sorry - it’s the hot and cold/mixed emotional messages that fuck with your head isn’t it?

One moment they NEED to be with you - so you take them at face value and try to connect - the next moment as things don’t go to plan you’re just invisible/a burden 🤷‍♀️

Just to echo what everyone else has said - prioritise and take care of your own emotional health for now, it’s a really shit time of year (lockdown and weather) but try to do some basic stuff just for you to keep yourself on an even keel.

Hello everyone
Haven't posted here for a while but I wanted to drop in with a final check in and hopeful word of encouragement.

370 days ago I was fat and lonely. I went on Bumble looking for female friends mostly on the BFF section but also checked out the men on the relationship section. 369 days ago Mr M and I swiped right on each other. We hit it off from the off and though we had a small glitch early on we stayed in contact through the summer lockdown and started dating as soon as we could bubble. Our lives are coming together incredibly well and we have moving in plans / buying a home / getting married plans roughly sketched out over the next few years. Now I am losing weight steadily and definitely not lonely.

I didn't think I'd meet someone but I took a leap of faith and am so glad I did.

I'm a big believer in the rules on the first page even if sometimes rules are made to be broken. Most of all I'd kept focused on the key characteristics I was looking for in a man and avoided dating anyone who didn't meet them. I think keep listening to my instinct really helped as did taking the time to get to know Mr M.

I don't believe it's a numbers game all the time. Quite the opposite I didn't waste time talking to someone I didn't think was right. This is why Bumble worked for me as I could filter on certain points from the beginning rather than having to wait and ask men about themselves. Mr M is one of the best things that's happened to me and I am so so happy.

Of course I know what works for one may not work for others but as I also started dating just before a lockdown, I wanted to say love can still strike.

Wish you guys all the best

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Congratulations on your job offer and your interviews.

Are these jobs that will all fit around another or will you have to choose if you are offered more than one?

@smittensally what a really lovely positive story to hear, I'm really happy for you.

@unambiguousbeard I remember you, what happened to that guy who you were on off with? Can't remember if it's the same one, he wasn't English?

Thanks everyone for all their advice, especially @HairyArsedMan and @Onesmallstep67. My usual go to friends are those who have lost people today/over the last few days so it's totally not the right time to talk about stuff with. I'm pretty sad but I'm focussing on my kids and although I don't understand what's happened, I'm sure things happen for a reason, regardless of how painful it may be at the time.

@unambiguousbeard - gosh, I've been wondering how to respond to this. Yes, I did get your PM - and didn't know how to respond to that either. I'll respond privately I think rather than discuss it here, which seems a little inappropriate and unnecessary?

Hi @Eesha it was Mr Unsuitable. We were seeing each other intermittently (very intermittently like once a month) until just before lockdown. It's a bit pointless. I just get all loved up as does he and really it's a waste of everyone's time. Plus he needs a lot of support and I don't have any to give currently, just focussing on keeping me and my kids heads above water. I could do with the physical intimacy as I've not been touched by an adult since god knows when but it's not worth it. I don't have a support bubble so he could be it but he sees friends, I have kids.... doesn't really work. I've realised I'm happy single. I choose bad relationships and I can't risk it again. I've got my equilibrium if that makes sense, own house, income, independence. I'm emotionally on top of things. I don't want a man coming along and upsetting all that. In my sorry experience they're just not worth it!

Yes @freelancedolly it is of course inappropriate to discuss here which is why I haven't. I only posted as I thought you'd split up with him as I misread your post. Please don't feel you have to DM me or engage with it unless you want to.

@eesha thank you very much.

I just quickly read back. Sounds like your guy has been treating you badly of late. I'm sorry. I don't know the whole story of course but I definitely agree with your comment a few pages back about not letting aspergers be an excuse for poor behaviour.

I'm neurodiverse too and if I have a wobble, I own it, apologise and Mr M and I talk about it. I also try hard not to repeat it. There's no excuse for poor behaviour.

Don't forget noone will ever treat you better than you treat yourself so keep you as a priority. Take care.

@SortingItOut The offer today is a short term contract so if I got one of the others they are due to start at the end of the contract so it would work out that one would.emd and the other would start almost immediately

@smittensally I remember you. And Mr M. And how right at the beginning you said there was something which meant it would never be a long term thing. Clearly you were wrong! I'm so glad to hear it's worked out, love a good news story.

Talking of which I wonder how @crustaceans and the baby are 😊

Hello everyone. I've not been on in a while. Just thought I'd pop in and say hi. haven't had a chance to catch up yet but hope everyone is doing OK.

recently single, can't remember the name I'd given my iron. had been chatting since April, more serious since Aug. errors on both sides in my opinion but I'm still pretty gutted. my heads telling me it wouldn't have worked anyway but my heart is broken for the thought of what it could have been I guess. I've been blocked which I know is his perogative, unblocked and reblocked after an apology but I'm thinking if he contacts me in the future I'd be likely to chat again 😕. I feel like I do have boundaries but not when it comes to him.

the whole thing has made me realise how lonely I am at the minute with lockdown etc. I was lonely even when seeing him. I've not had a good few days.

I really dont know if I can bear going back on the apps especially as its not really possible possible meet anyone. Are you all still chatting with irons and trying to meet?

@crazycatlady20 so who blocked who? It sounds like you're still hurting about it. Personally I wouldn't be meeting anyone during this lockdown, but then I've been impacted directly by covid. I think you're allowed walks so you could still do that? I think go back when you feel up to it.

@smittensally did you have a different username before? What attracted you to Mr M? I would say Mr Yoga was pretty great and supportive in the past and we have talked loads about things/difficult situations in the past. This is a full on disappearance really so there is something much bigger going on. I just know it. But unlike my ex who leaves a trail of destruction with all his partners, I've only been decent to Mr Yoga and that's all I can really be.