Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@CleverCatty absolutely no useful comment but that made me larf for some reason!

Welcome @MissLI

@Eesha hope you’re ok

@CleverCatty I would feel the same about 💐🌷🌸🌼 and ‘stay blessed’, I mean what does that even mean?

I’ve got my fingers crossed for you @Eesha. It must be so hard just waiting, but you’re right not to get in touch again. Ball is in his court.

Thanks @SleepyBunk @ThisTooShallBe, haven't heard a peep since I sent my message at 9am. I'm assuming he's been out all day but also that I've been ghosted. Still clutching onto that teeny bit of hope that I'm wrong!

Thanks for the welcome, hi everyone

I've received lots of messages again, he's definitely happy to chat. May meet for a walk. He just never says he finds me attractive. It's reassuring in a way, doesn't seem like a sex only thing, which I was expecting tbh.

@Eesha that sounds difficult. I'd feel insecure in that situation.

@Eesha it must be so hard waiting for him to reply . From what you have said about him , I doubt he'd ghost you. Probably read in the middle of doing something and has forgotten to reply . It's happened to me before .

@lovelost21 Yes that's happened to me/us before but because we are in this weird dynamic of having a few days off after a very minor squabble, I'm extra sensitive and anxious that I'm being ghosted.

@Eesha he'd be a shit to ghost you, Asperger's or not, so I hope you hear something soon if you haven't already. This statement worries me a little
"He did read it but nothing heard but he might be out for work ie cycling quite far."
It takes seconds to send a message. I know you're pretty smitten with him but I've noticed from the get go with Mr Yoga that you excuse him. It's natural when you really like someone, I know this and have been guilty of it myself. But if he knows you at all he will know you're on tenterhooks and worried waiting to hear from him. I appreciate the Asperger's comes into play here but I'd be questioning a little selfishness too.

@Heartbeats0708 Hi, yes I've been ghosted for sure. I saw he was online last night for a tiny bit so quickly asked how he was and hope he was ok, no response. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to speak to me. I feel quite the fool after 7 months now as I thought we were so happy. I do believe this is him shutting away and hiding from the world and me. I don't think he's a cruel person per se, I think he is having real mental issues which he's struggling to deal with. I'm not sure how to date again though because I feel like I've got very poor judgement now. I'll get through it though.

Sadder news, both my friends' passed away with covid. These are sad days.

friends parents I meant to say

Oh wow @Eesha, I’m so sorry to hear both those pieces of news, I really hope your family are supporting you 💐

Re Mr Yoga, I’m sure you’re right that it’s because of his condition and MH, but he is being unkind and selfish as well. He can’t step and give you the love and care you most definitely deserve. I don’t think this shows a lack of judgement on your part; you weren’t to know that he would not be able to cope with bumps in the road, until you hit a bump.

[quote Eesha]@Heartbeats0708 Hi, yes I've been ghosted for sure. I saw he was online last night for a tiny bit so quickly asked how he was and hope he was ok, no response. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to speak to me. I feel quite the fool after 7 months now as I thought we were so happy. I do believe this is him shutting away and hiding from the world and me. I don't think he's a cruel person per se, I think he is having real mental issues which he's struggling to deal with. I'm not sure how to date again though because I feel like I've got very poor judgement now. I'll get through it though.

Sadder news, both my friends' passed away with covid. These are sad days.[/quote]
@Eesha I am so sorry for the way MrYoga is treating you. I really thought he would have replied by now . You don't deserve to be treated like that .

I am sorry to hear about your friends parents

Sad news @Eesha so sorry

Really sorry to hear this @Eesha. Really hard after all these months. I think it. Somehow the anticipation of ghosting makes it worse I think. Awful news about your friends parents as well.

Eesha - sorry if you've been ghosted.

ThisTooShallBe - there was a little angel at the end of the 'stay blessed' comment - I ended up unmatching with him.

It's awful how many men I don't see that I like on dating sites now, or I see them and they don't match etc LOL. Probably an age thing.

Sorry Eesha...that's horrible.

There really is no excuse for this from him..... x

Thanks everyone, I've just left it but still don't believe it's about us, I think there is something bigger going on in his head/world. I've read up a lot about aspergers shutdowns and I think this is it. He's always been someone who has done things alone so I think he's just sorting his head out himself. I'm just the casualty. One thing I've noticed with partners, they appear to be a bit damaged, 2 with Aspergers, one ADHD and depression, ex is an alcoholic with depression and anger issues. I think I need to be more careful with my choices next time.

Yes, very sad about my friends parents, 67 and 88. We knew death was coming because they were both on ventilators but I guess were hopeful for a miracle. I lost my parents when I was very young so i know the sadness that goes with it. Covid is devastating.

@Eesha, I am really sorry to read these updates. Very sad to hear of yet more loved ones passing away.
Mr Yoga is being very unfair to you. I am genuinely at a loss to understand why he would handle things this way. It's totally unacceptable and regardless of his condition he has behaved badly, causing you more upset and uncertainty than was needed. In my eyes there are 2 options - no more messages, archive the chats, focus on yourself and your DC and decide that it's over with
Or .. send a message today. Say that you believe he's having a difficult time at the moment and will give him some space. You could leave the door open to him but make it clear that not hearing from him is difficult and unacceptable. I have been the kind of person to worry that if I make the wrong move or say the wrong thing it will push them away. In truth he owes you a call or message and he knows that. He should want to reassure you.

@Eesha Im so sorry about your friends parents. Truly devastating.

Whatever the explanation for Mr Yoga, his actual behaviour falls short of the standard you need, expect and should rely on in times of crisis. He may come back to you. But if this is going to be a pattern, then you will need strong coping and support mechanisms each time he withdraws or each time you have a small disagreement. You are so wonderful in your support of him and putting him first but you have the absoulte right in a relationship to be supported too. That means he takes a second to reply to your msg as he will know you are anxious. 10 seconds. Thats all.
You can date again. Take the time to review your tolerance levels. You didnt know Mr Yoga would do this on the 1st squabble. But now you know and thats fine. You can manage it.
No news here. Saw Mr Fab on Tues. He has put "taking a break' on his profile which im taking as he is taking a break. We havent had any discussions about it. He leads and plans and I rather like it. I will literally plod along with this and not get too attached to the emotional side, rather using it as a way to expand my sexual menu.
Im messaging a few others, have binned many.
My ex has now said he wants zero contact as his residual feelings of love for me are hampering his ability to move on with his new GF. This is after a year of friendship with me with zero moves and him telling me that he only sees me like his sister and his new GF is amazing in bed. Nice huh? I honestly thought we were friends and enjoyed walks, chats and drive throughs. But no, apparently he loves me. He has his wish and Ive deleted everything. Very strange.

Really sorry to hear your news @Eesha

So sorry to hear your sad news @Eesha I hope you are looking after yourself as best you can.
I think it's interesting what greyandrare says about his behaviour falling short of the standard you need.
Whether or not this is a meltdown/shutdown as a result of his Asperger's, I think the key question is whether or not you are prepared to accept this as part of him and your relationship with him.
I'm also not sure about it being a "squabble" either the more I think about it overinvested, moi?! it seems to me that you were reaching out for support and he couldn't/wouldn't give it. Whether that's because of his MH/ASD again the question is whether that's tolerable to you.
You're such an empathetic person, from what I know of you, I really do think you'd be better suited with somebody that's not so emotionally detached. And I stand by it, he's a shit for ghosting.

Also chiming in to say I'm sorry to read your news @Eesha. I think this situation is very very hard to deal with and reminds me of my last iron. He did not have Aspergers (although said he thought he might be on a spectrum of sorts) but the way he ended our relationship was to start to say he needed space because of the stress he was under and he needed time to deal with it. I tried to give him that space but ultimately found him back on Tinder and when I confronted him about it, he blocked me. I know there are clear differences here, but I think similarly to you I found myself trying very hard to contort myself and my needs around his, and worked myself into a state worrying about the 'kind of things' people under huge amount of stress did in this situation and whether or not it was acceptable, whether I should just give him all the space he needs and accommodate it endlessly etc. In his case it was all, I believe, a front for the fact he couldn't have a direct conversation with me about not really wanting to carry on. This lack of courage, lack of ability to face difficult conversations, caused him to behave badly.

As several other people have said already, whatever his situation there is no excuse for leaving you hanging like this. Whatever the cause, if this is the way he deals with difficulty in his life (rejecting you and unable to consider your feelings) it is not sustainable for you. You would forever be anxiously trying to maintain normality and frantically paddling like the proverbial swan to avoid any upset that might lead to deterioration. What about when something serious was to happen?

Please try not to be hard on yourself about your role in this. There will be potential partners out there who don't need - or want - rescuing or fixing.

Whatever happens, I hope you can find a way to regain your equilibrium as soon as possible. Perhaps the best way to do that might be to set out YOUR boundaries given this behaviour from him, and perhaps let him know that unfortunately, his need to withdraw and then to ignore plaintive messages from you is not something you can accept, and therefore unfortunately you need to withdraw yourself from the relationship. He's not the only person who can draw that line.

@Greyandrare123 what a weird thing for your ex to say, about his new partner. I'll give my ex one thing, he tries not to rub it in my face that he's had someone for ages.

I know it sounds like Mr Yoga falls short but he would have been there in the past for me and would always check in on me. I feel this situation is different and he has too much on in his mind to fit me into it. He hasn't behaved well so I guess at least I see it now. It's a shame as I dearly loved him.

@freelancedolly yes a small part of me did think maybe this is an easy way to dump me as he did really want kids but the bulk of me thinks this is all about shutting down from the world and hiding away.

He may well come back to you @Eesha - what will you do if he does? Because it does only take a couple of seconds to let someone know that you still need more time, that you're struggling or whatever and you can't be more in touch but not to worry etc. He has not done this, despite I imagine it being quite clear that you are struggling and anxious. It is cruel.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't need to be 'about' you and him in order for it to be unacceptable - ultimately this is about the way that he prioritises his needs above other people's obvious distress.

@Eesha I agree with others. Whatever the reason for his behaviour it is unacceptable. Sorry to hear about your friends' parents.

Has anyone heard from @Clovertoast?