Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Ah ok. Well so long as you’ve been open and honest with what’s going on for you, I don’t see that asking for space is a bad thing. He probably knows it means the writing is on the wall for him, are you thinking you should spell that out?

I've been painfully open and honest, it's been hard because I'm used to shutting my emotions out and just going with what the other person wants but that doesn't get me anywhere. It does feel selfish to me as it's such a contrast to how I'm used to being.
Reading on here about some shit behaviours makes me uneasy as I worry that's me. He's a great guy, i can't say he's done anything wrong apart from want more than I do.
I think I've spelled it out pretty clearly, now just left feeling like a witch and no clearer on what I can do to help myself.
This lockdown I'd the hardest one yet.

@orzo15 I think in that scenario I would meet once more on a non walking date and see if there is anything sparking. I have had much better connections with people on second date once the nerves are out of the way.

@Eesha of course only we know what goes on in our relationships. I just always think you sound so lovely. We all have off days but generally should be able to rely on our partners for support. Mr B is being very supportive right now as I'm going through teen child drama. It's sort of weird having someone who has my back and I can freeze up a bit. But also really quite lovely. As an independent person, the idea of relying on someone else is very scary to me.

@Notcoolmum I think Mr B sounds really lovely and supportive. You sound lovely too. I think Mr Yoga is there for me, it's just this time I think he's been overwhelmed by other stuff and this might have been the icing on the cake. Who knows though. I do feel sometimes I'm almost too nice at times and end up being an emotional punchbag (with my ex) or just someone who is treated unfairly. It does put me off dating really as I feel like my spirit is being squashed very slowly when I keep my heart open. I don't see the point in being open hearted now because this time, I was so happy and now just crushed really. I can totally see why people stay alone/remain suspicious or hard hearted

You don’t have to be hard-hearted @Eesha, just aware of the balance in any relationship (family, friends, lover, whatever). Mr Y has tipped that balance away from you at the moment, so you’re on notice that this may be how things will be, going forward. It’s not hard-hearted to think ‘humph, that’s not good enough for me’. To not do that is arguably being unreasonably hard on yourself.

Aw thank you @Eesha I find it VERY difficult to let someone in. I'm very wary of getting to point when I feel relaxed and then they might disappear. I've been on my own a very long time. So at the moment it's equally nice and weird to have someone that wants to get involved and help.

I do think Mr Y should know what your expectations are. And we might all fall below expectations at times due to our own issues and baggage. But as long as most of the time those standards are met.

@Notcoolmum im the same as you I think. Both my parents passed away in quite tragic events plus then my ex was abusive and that took a while to get over plus two babies to protect and bring up. As a result I'm always frightened to get close to anyone in case they a: disappear or b: turn into monsters! I think because Mr Y and I were friends, I felt at ease and it was much easier to trust, and I guess for me, fall in love. I'm annoyed at myself a bit for letting my guard down here and be happy. Prior to this, I had many guards but it prevented me getting hurt. Men came and went but I never let them get close enough or discounted them at the first hurdle. I'm trying to see this as something positive though rather than feel sad. I think when you learn from something, it takes the sadness away.

Oh @Eesha I'm so sorry. What a tough time you've had. You really do deserve happiness. Any word from Mr Y?

@Notcoolmum I think I've hogged the thread. Any positive stories out there? No words from Mr Yoga. He did say yesterday 'let's take a few days' so I'm not expecting anything. I'm still very sad but my toddlers are being very chirpy so that's sweet and a reason for me to try and be happier!

All quiet here! I think the term for today is Blue Monday and it certainly feels like that for me - not bad just a general sense of ennui.

Had some nice online chats with MrMilitary and MrC. Nothing heavy just flirty. Yes, as much as I’d love this intellectual bond, fundamentally boys do think with their penises 🤦🏽‍♀️😝.

Enjoying the thought of relocating if it becomes a possibility.

Again, it’s quite nice just thinking “I’ll go where the funding opportunity is” rather than feeling I’m going to have to adjust to suit a man.

With this lockdown thing I’m getting quite FOMO.

You know spending too much time looking at social media and booking.com and coming up with plans which may never happen?

I’m thinking even holidays in the summer are going to be restricted.

So I might set myself some low key goals I can accomplish and enjoy at home (things like cooking a new dish, get my language test done) in anticipation of it being a shit summer for socialising.

I’m still wondering if it’s worth having a session of going out meeting people on the apps in the spring - I didn’t find it very good in the semi-lockdown last year!

Not sure if it’s an age or life stage or mental health thing but it’s just quite wearisome.

I quite enjoy the dressing up/social/going out places aspect of early dating and obviously that’s not on the cards for a long while!

So there’s an argument for keeping the current boys connected on call - MrC is signed up for quite a lot of work 🙄 and MrMilitary is also away and reviewing the situation in late summer.

Basically just doing some serious expectation management - part of me would have really really liked a lovely holiday/weekend away with one of the guys, all that coupley stuff.

But also there’s the argument for putting emotional energy into the things that are going to pay off most and be less hassle to organise whilst this corona-stuff is ongoing.

@SleepyBunk hey, you sound like you have some good options there. Are you ok with the covid risks etc of meeting, that's what has been worrying me really.

@Eesha I think that’s probably why I don’t feel like being open to meeting new people this year.

the whole lockdown thing is just weird and I don’t want to be meeting people and having to negotiate all the safety stuff! (From me or them and having nowhere to go)

So two men working at a distance with an established connection seems just enough romantic interest for me. If we’re all vaccinated by autumn/winter it will be solid so I can wait till then.

I expect I’ll meet with MrC when he’s home as we’re bubbled but I won’t plan on the whole spring/summer with him and set some work goals instead.

MrMilitary was mumbling about exclusivity again but I think it’s just hot air Tbh for now. He can take the flirty texts for now

I've tested positive for Covid🙁

Only started with the worlds worst sore throat on Friday, had a minor headache and what I thought were hot flushes at night.
I only got tested because Mr K and my brother nagged me and I wanted to prove them wrong....

I'm also shattered, last night I was in bed for 6 and only now thinking of getting up.

Not sure if I got it from Mr K (although we waited longer than the recommended 10days and waited 14) or whether I got it from the supermarket as not been anywhere else.

I'm so lucky its been fairly mild but that isnt the case for everyone so please all keep taking care and wear your masks and wash your hands.

@SortingItOut

Get well soon!

Like you say it’s good that it feels mild but from what I’ve read it seems to “oscillate” a bit so I’d rest more than I felt I had to (if that makes sense) to be on the safe side.

@SortingItOut get well soon

@SortingItOut get well soon. 🌷

Sleeping on your front is also beneficial I believe and keeping well hydrated. Look after yourself x

@SortingItOut my XH had it and found that Jakemans throat sweets really helped the terrible sore throat. Rest rest rest. I hope you feel better soon but don’t rush back to normal the moment you do feel a bit better. As @SleepyBunk says, it oscillates and can catch you out.

Get well soon @SortingItOut I've heard the same that you start feeling brighter then it floors you again. A friend of mine that had it tried to go back to normal and ended up in hospital. Fine now, but take care.
@SleepyBunk can I ask if MrC and Mr Military know about each other or is it not necessary?

@Heartbeats0708

Neither of the interactions are at the serious stage - we haven’t really had enough FTF time as both were working away lots and then things were a bit sporadic over Xmas due to lockdown and me being ill/having applications to do.

Though I’m happy with where things are at (I’m childfree by choice and not anxious to do the moving in together/blending lives with anyone)

It seems to work for everyone so far.

MrMilitary is just being a bit immature (he’s younger than me so expected)

realistically he’s away for eight months I think this year and probably is seeing all his officer mates stop being lads and moved in with their university girlfriends and thinking now that he wants the same thing - but we don’t have that pre-existing solid social connection it’s just a few dates?

He’s nice enough and the chemistry is off the scale but he’s in quite a “selfish” career path and I’m of the same mindset - I want the cool job first and will adjust my life around that and dates needs to fit in with it.

MrC and I feel a bit more connected but again he’s his own man - he’s taken on as much extra work abroad as he can this year (he moans but of course he’s going to be enjoying the benefits of the big pay).

Plus he was mentioning he wants kids at some point and though I’ve got a few years to try I definitely don’t want (had the classic “yes you said but I thought you’d change your mind” convo).

So there’s a practical time limit on that.

It kind of feels that we’re enjoying each other and there are feelings (ok MrC and MrMilitary aren’t shagging each other but you know what I mean) but also everyone is putting themselves first as well?

I think the modern term is “situationship” - sort of not quite solid official relationships but not just physical.

Sorry to hear you're ill sortingitout - hope you're able to rest up.

I woke up to a match and message from new iron yesterday. We messaged on and off all day and it was such a refreshing change - actual conversation, respectful, funny. Dont know if we'll get round to doing the dreaded "walk" (he has already suggested it) but I hope we do

Feel better soon @SortingItOut

Good luck @Slothmomma - walks are ok as long as it's not raining!

How are you doing today @Eesha

@LongtimelurkerL thanks for asking, I just posted another thread on my situation to avoid hogging this one and also get more advice on those who are autistic/have experiences of Aspergers.

I feel ok today as had a decent nights sleep. I was watching YouTube Aspergers videos which seemed to describe my situation to a T and the advice was not to chase but instead to 'check in' with a light message. Apparently those with Aspergers tend to hide away and are almost scared to reconnect 'in case' there's a row. So I might do that at some point later in the week if I don't hear anything. I appreciate I sound like I'm making a huge effort but I do care so much and I genuinely believe this isn't a normal scenario.