Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@kerkyra Yes i agree, if it were anyone else, I would also agree controlling etc but I know him well and I know he's just overwhelmed and hiding away rather than face potential conflict. I tried to say I just wanted to chat it out, not argue but he hasn't responded so I said I'd respect his wishes and let him have his few days. I've explained everything on text anyway so he knows it was just miscommunication. I can imagine he's thinking a lot about it, that's his way really.

Thanks guys...it's just the switch. From always being attentive to ignoring something I asked.

☹

And thanks sorting...no he's not working or anything.

@bangheadhere40 are you chatting to others?

@LuckyLinda3

I’d take the situation at face value - why not archive him, put a note to check in in say 8 weeks time and in the meantime do your own thing (your own goals, exercise etc).

chat to others if you feel like it (not in a “looking for a replacement” way but just enjoy meeting new people .you’ll be in a stronger position whichever way when you get back in contact? And you won’t be resentful and feeling you’ve “put your life on hold”.

Maybe he is genuinely caught up in the pressures of work - I know I’m a nightmare right now and it would be difficult to manage dating and putting someone first no matter how much I liked someone.

so I’m lucky my prospective guys have been also working away lots!

(three interviews next month and I only started on this “Proper career path” later in life so it’s fairly stressful! I’m ok to message but also in the evenings I just want to vegetate like a slob and not have any commitments!) .

But hopefully once I’ve passed this key stage I’ll be a bit more relaxed and open (as well as lockdown having passed a bit)

@Eesha sounds shit I agree you seem very naturally empathetic - maybe try just detaching a bit and putting yourself and your emotional health first for the next week or so?

You’re not responsible for your friends happiness even though you want to support them at this tough time (as harsh as that sounds) or MrYoga just yourself. I think it’s easy as a woman to get into the role of feeling you’re having to support and tolerate everyone but it’s ok to just switch your phone off and go for a walk and chill for a few days!

@Eesha no I haven't been.

@SleepyBunk thank you. I do have a tendency to try and help but I think these are tough times and people need to support each other. With Mr Yoga I was distraught at him seeming to ignore me but I'm going to try and see it as a positive thing. I do really adore him and maybe it's healthy for me to take a step back too and see whether we are actually compatible. It feels like I've been begging him to speak etc whereas he has a very different way of dealing with things ie hiding away. At the moment I'm just wishing the days away and that's not great. I need to get back in control and happier.

I’m sure he is a good person @Eesha, but is he a good person for you? You have VERY different styles, which can be excellent if they complement each other. But if one style - shutting down for a bit - will, by its nature, always trump the other style - being warm, open and supportive - then this may be a real incompatibility. You can just be wrong for each other without either party being controlling, manipulative, needy or whatever.

@ThisTooShallBe definitely food for thought. I really thought we made a great couple and I am so happy with him. But this is showing me a different side which I'm not sure about. He has told me the lockdown recently has been affecting his mental health considerably and I think this is part of it. Anyway, I'm going to give him the time he needs and focus on my wellbeing for now.

Hello! Can I join the thread please? :) I'm 29, moved to a new big city few months ago (different country so different rules regarding covid here) and I am feeling so disheartened by online dating at the moment. I have just come back from a date where the guy was nothing like his photos and I just keep thinking how do people just keep going! I've had a fair few first dates in the past 6 months but only 2 people I've gone on second/third dates with. Need some encouragement and motivation!

@Eesha that sounds really tough. Hope it all works out how you’d like it to!

@orzo15 welcome to the thread - that sounds like pretty good going tbh!

So walking date 5 today - walked around for 4 hours, sat on a bench giggling etc. Had great fun but still no kiss!! I’m so confused (I didn’t feel brave enough to try any of the lines and I’m kicking myself now). I really don’t get it. He initiates most of the time, we have great dates, make each other laugh etc. What’s going on?

@LongtimelurkerL there is only one person who can answer that question sounds like he likes you but is it friends only?
Do what I do when I have to ask anything awkward and send the text and throw your phone across the room😂

@Mayzee I text to ask that end of Dec and he said ‘I am attracted to you and I want to see where things go’ - not sure in the point of sending the same text again? He hugged me at the end of the date and said see you soon and texted me after about 20 mins of it ending

Welcome @orzo15 - it is hard to keep going when you don’t feel any connection but all it takes is one good one to make it worth it!
It’s great you can get out on dates though and not have to do the dreaded walks

[quote LongtimelurkerL]@Mayzee I text to ask that end of Dec and he said ‘I am attracted to you and I want to see where things go’ - not sure in the point of sending the same text again? He hugged me at the end of the date and said see you soon and texted me after about 20 mins of it ending[/quote]
Then maybe it is covid that is preventing him going in for the kiss. It sounds like you get on brilliantly though- is it possible to invite him to yours?

@LongtimelurkerL maybe try forgetting about the kiss and grabbing his bottom or something glad the date went well

@orzo15 welcome ! Agree that your dating history sounds quite normal tbh - there’s lots of flakes and catfishes, I’d say about 1 in “5 to 10” takes off?

Sorry to hear things aren't going quite so well for you and Mr Yoga, @Eesha. I agree that it might be good to have some space for a few days so you can reflect properly on your communication styles and if they are likely to improve. It's a concern that at a time when you could have done with a little verbal support he instead shut off.
I know you clearly know him better than we all do, and how his Asperger's affects him, but please don't use it to excuse poor behaviour (in general as well as this issue).
Really, really wise words from @ThisTooShallBe

You can just be wrong for each other without either party being controlling, manipulative, needy or whatever.

It's given me a lot of food for thought as things seem to be coming to a natural end with me and my iron.

@Heartbeats0708 thank you. I'm not really excusing bad behaviour I feel, I just think his way of dealing with things is to hide/mull over. It hasn't really happened before but I do think things overwhelm him. He did mention my friends parents and said how sorry he was. I know I need someone I can rely on long term though and I'm not sure now whether this is the one. I'm giving him space and he looks to be completely off social media since he last texted me so i suspect he is hiding away. Let's see if he contacts me again.

Sorry @Eesha I've read my comment back and it came across more harshly than I meant it to. With the Asperger's thing, it's such a case by case thing and I was thinking about some of my own experiences whilst typing which could be entirely different to yours!
I'm glad you're taking the time out to think about it properly though. I've lurked and occasionally posted on here for over a year now and you seem such a lovely and caring person, I just want Mr Yoga to appreciate that and not hide from it!

@Heartbeats0708 that's completely fine! I value the advice on this thread hugely plus I'm really lucky to have great friends who help me navigate things in the real world. I guess for me, things felt very idyllic so in a way, it's good to have these to show me what a person can be like in perhaps a different scenario and whether I am ok with that. Mr Yoga is a lovely person for whom this lockdown really has made struggle mentally so no wonder I'm a casualty too right now. I know he will be thinking over this/us a lot.

I've done the disappearing thing myself with others as a way of gaining more control over things in a relationship but I never really thought at the time how it might impact the other person. I now think how childish/insecure i was.

Oh good I'm glad you didn't just think " who tf does she think she is" 😂 it is useful to see people in different scenarios and how they handle it, to decide if that's something you can work with.

I see what you're saying about disappearing seeming childish in hindsight, but done in the right way it can be a useful way of taking stock. Of course, how it's communicated is key!

Mulling things over with friends is invaluable, isn't it? I've been doing the same re my situ but it's been quite uncomfortable for me as they all, independently, say the same thing.. that perhaps this is just the natural end. But I'm reluctant to pull the plug.

Anyone done the "let's take a break and see how we feel" thing?

@Heartbeats0708 you say it’s coming to its natural end. What’s does that mean - what’s going on?

@Eesha this isn't the first time Mr Yoga has upset you with his behaviour. I think you sound like a truly lovely person and you deserve someone who is there for you, not someone you tread on eggshells around. I'm struggling with the fact you are dealing with some very difficult things in your personal life and instead of seeing you need a shoulder to cry on Mr Y is focusing on his hurt feelings over what he perceived as a slight from you. And then withdrawing from you. I think you are incredibly patient and generous towards him. Would you say he gives you the same back?

I'd absolutely give him space and at the very least expect an apology for his behaviour. I know he has ASC but that can't be a get out for every time he behaves poorly or selfishly. A relationship needs two people who care for and support each other.

I don't really know @ThisTooShallBe I'm in a bit of a tizz. I don't, and never have, seen it as a long term r/ship (always been upfront about this). I suppose it's when to draw the line. There's a lot going on for me mentally too and I don't feel I've got the headspace for this. As a result, I'm not sure I'm treating him entirely fairly. I have asked for some space. I just don't want him to get hurt.

@Notcoolmum Thank you for your kind words. No it isn't the first time but tbh the large amount of time, it's wonderful between us. I'm patient because of this and because I'm aware his Aspergers makes him behave differently at times. I know he tries hard to combat that. Although I know it's not a get out clause, it is something that affects his behaviour differently to the 'norm' and he's already told me it's really worsening and he's trying to get professional help for it. Ive helped him with finding people too. All that said, I'm giving him his space and taking the time to see whether it works for me in the long run. What we post on here are the times when things are hard but actually we largely have a wonderful relationship and he has been there when I've needed him. Hes said we should take a few days (not a complete break) but I will be very sad if I don't hear from him again.

@Heartbeats0708 personally I hate the break type of thing even though I'm being forced into it at present. What is your situation?