Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@mayzee confusing hey!

Your date sounds lovely!

Now I'm wondering why I'm attracted to the "bad boys" 🤔

@Mayzee agree that’s lovely 😊

@Whoknows11 I’d maybe think about working out what you yourself want and feel and go from there?

You don’t need to let this guy you don’t know well dictate the terms (aside from in the consensual bedroom activity! )

If he’s wanting “exclusive casual” and you want to date with a view to a relationship then of course you need to be still be open to meeting and chatting to others! (If he’s not after that)

If he’s not happy with it, it’s ridiculous - I imagine of course it’s “more convenient” for a bloke to have their regular sex partner to 100% be at their beck and call but that’s not your issue. If he wants to ask you to move to a formal dating situation he has that option but you’re a free woman till then.

Someone being slightly possessive over you doesn’t necessarily mean they are interested in meeting your needs, just that they’re worried you won’t be meeting THEIR needs.

If the sex is good then enjoy but he doesn’t get to dictate the rest of your life, that’s controlling weirdo zone.

What is dom dating @Whoknows11?

@Mayzee sounds like a very good date!!! Fingers crossed this lockdown ends soon enough.

Had a tough day yesterday as both friends parents were meant to be near death and I was consoling both. Had a weird situation with Mr Yoga too where I guess I was frustrated by my day and he felt the chat was hard work so said we should chat another day. He cut the call short and I tried calling and calling but nothing. I get that his autism means he can shut down but after lots of begging messages by me (sad I know), I've heard nothing. It's like I've been shut out. I'm sure we will chat at some point but I'm feeling very overwhelmed by everything at the moment and hoped he would be there for me.

Oh @Eesha that sounds horrible! Autism is not an excuse for bad manners and unkindness is it? I hope you have family supporting you.

@ThisTooShallBe yes, he wasnt cruel per se, it's just he said it was hard and said we should speak another day. I messaged him and explained what had happened that day etc but nothing heard. I'm not sure how to play it.

Well I would play it by being fucking livid actually but we are not the same person! I guess you need to leave it now - don’t message him - focus on what you are dealing with re your friends. When he comes back: respond authentically re how you feel and how he made you feel? Then take it from there. You seem to me a very kind, thoughtful and loving person @Eesha, your partner should recognise, celebrate and support that, not treat it as an inconvenience.

@ThisTooShallBe im trying not to take it personally, I think he's hiding away and maybe felt attacked etc yesterday even though that's not what I meant. He literally said it felt like hard work and we should chat another day. But what hurts is lack of communication afterwards. I'm someone who struggles with that and feel very shut off.

@ThisTooShallBe I know he's a good person but I give him a wider berth due to Aspergers

@Eesha I am sorry to hear about your friends parents, it must be awful hitting so close to home I am not surprised you were upset . MrYoga probably didn't know how it handle . I would give him space and when he gets back in touch, mention how his actions made you feel .

@lovelost21 yes i messaged and rang about an hour ago but no reply

Hi all...been seeing a man I met online since October. All going good but he works A LOT. Saying all the right things but clear work is his priority right now. We had made clear plans for last Tuesday and he cancelled again on Monday. I contacted him on Wednesday and said maybe we should leave things and he agreed but asked if we could pick things up down the line. I sent him a text Friday as I wanted to explain why I did what I did and he rang and we talked for an hour and a half. Both still sticking to their point but seeing the others better. He said at end of call chat later but as yet I haven't heard from him. What would you do now?

Hi everyone...need some advice please.

I think I've been ghosted! Been chatting to a guy for about 3 / 4 weeks daily, plans to meet....everything was fine...he mainly initiates, if I message always replies.

Didn't hear anything yesterday so was worried as it's unlike him. I just asked how his day was going, he's read it, been online since and nothing.

I've not text again...I want to ask if everything is okay, but it's probably best to leave this one?

@Eesha sorry to hear that...I think you should be angry with Mr Yoga.

[quote Eesha]@lovelost21 yes i messaged and rang about an hour ago but no reply[/quote]
You have done more than you had to by getting in touch again today given his actions yesterday when you were obviously upset. As hard as it may be, try not message or call again until he does.

@LuckyLinda3 I would archive the chat and move on. If he wants to get in contact to see you or talk to you he has your number to do so. If he doesn't then it is his loss and not yours.
You don't want to always be waiting around for a man to contact you and if he is flakey now will be ever change? You don't want to always be making plans, him cancelling and then sitting at home not having anything else to do

@Dancerinthemoonlight thanks for responding. Good advice, I was enjoying what we had but you are right nothing worse than waiting around. I think I'm feeling it more as I'm only separated a year and still finding my feet again.

@LuckyLinda3
I would also archive his chat and not contact him. 'Chat soon' is so ambiguous, does it mean in 1 day, 2 days, a week, a month 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like right now he is giving his all to his job with no space for you, unless he is working lots for a short term reason (paying off debt, unexpected repair costs) then I think you have to accept that this is him and he is unlikely to change.

Take time to grieve and get over the relationship, build your own life and then if you want a man find one to enhance your life and not be your life.

Sounds like you have different ways of dealing with things Easha. You sound patient and calm,wanting to chat and get things off your chest whilst he gets to a point where he wants to avoid it. I'm sure you both will be ok and he will be sitting at home worrying. My youngest has aspergers and is very intense with his emotions and has a very firm views on being fair.
My walking date was wonderful. We walked round lakes with Canada geese and laughed so much. Quite attractive too. But just like a walk with a mate,no flirting at all!! We said goodbye with elbow bumps. Maybe a slow burner as we did have lots in common,I'd def see him again if he asked.

@bangheadhere40
I dont think a day of no contact is cause for concern immediately and the reading and not replying is something some people do until they have time to properly reply.

I'd leave it for now and review tomorrow, does he have a job which involves weekends or any family issues that could take his time?

If he doesnt contact you thank god you found out now what he is like before you invested too much.

Have a hug whichever way it goes 🤗🤗

Thanks @SortingItOut. I tend to overthink things so its probably a habit I need to break. I am also at the stage where I'm questioning if I expect too much but friends have advised that it's better to have boundaries than accept less than what I deserve. I think I will give dating a break for another while and just enjoy being single and rediscovering myself again. He said I was a breath of fresh air so I'll run with the positives that I am actually good company.

@kerkyra Yes he came back to me and said a few things but essentially he had taken things the wrong way and felt I was having a go at him. He said better not to speak than argue and that we should take a few days. I immediately tried to call and clarify but no reply to call or messages. It's like dealing with a hedgehog really. I told him how hurt I was feeling but I'm going to try and give him the few days he wanted. It's extremely upsetting for me as you're right, I really want to talk it through but he's just closed himself off. I'm not sure how it can work because although I adore him so much, I can't bear being ignored/someone needing space over something so small.

@bangheadhere40 the lack of contact would annoy me personally but as others have said, one day isn't a lot.

@LuckyLinda3
It probably does hurt more if you are not long out of a long relationship.

Your friends are right, having boundaries is very good and making time to see each other is surely the foundation of any relationship.

Definitely take time to enjoy yourself and walk away with the positives from the relationship.

Easha it sounds really tough. It's not like you live together and he can go into another room for a day.i hate conflict and would be knocking on the door offering to hug it out and getting very frustrated.
Yes,all you can do is just wait but that doesnt sound very healthy. I would say it's a bit controlling and manipulative but as he has aspergers it clouds it. He is either blocking it out and carrying on his day as normal,or he will be feeling wretched and wondering what to do( just thinking about my son,it would be the second). Perhaps you need to see him for a light and breezy walk but I wouldn't be surprised if he didnt want to talk about it...keep it light.