Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Ruralbliss I’m the same, MrTech text me shortly after I’d posted here and I’ve invited him to mine next week. He works from home as do I and we are both keeping safe as far as I know. So I’d feel it was a safe enough option. But as he was just new on tinder and I was his first date I know he’s going to have that sweet shop feeling and I don’t want to meet him if he’s meeting other people. Can I say that? It sounds so, I don’t know, demanding to ask him not to when we’ve only been on one date.

I also hope clover is ok and happy, I’ve only read this thread and it’s so supportive I hope she knows she can come back and get support no matter what.

@Eesha thanks, I’ve given a wee update. These are certainly strange times and it’s hard to know what to do dating wise! And I was rusty anyway

@Eesha I feel the same about Zoom etc, I just feel really frustrated to see Mr GN but not touch him. We just stick to messaging and the occasional short, impromptu video call.

@ThisTooShallBe, are you not able to see Mr GN in person because of distance or other reasons? Sorry if that sounds nosey.
@Eesha, gosh let's hope it's at most weeks and not months before you can see Mr Yoga in person.
A very local former iron asked me to go for a walk today. He lives alone about 10 mins away. Not seen him in person for ages. I said I couldn't. It seemed a bit over the top to say I can't because I am in a RS but equally I feel sorry for him. And there's another guy who knows I am seeing someone but texts all the time. Again I know he's lonely so I do respond but sometimes he's a bit flirtatious and very complimentary. It also makes me feel a bit like I am doing something wrong. Mr V isn't the jealous type and he knows when I see my very good male friend occasionally for lunch. I think my bit of guilt is that my friend is just my friend but the other guys that stay in touch can be flirtatious. I know I could say something but not sure if that seems a bit presumptuous on my part. I have ignored the last couple of messages. Next time I think I will just have to say something in a nice way that the flirty stuff needs to stop. How does everyone else manage this kind of thing?

@Onesmallstep67 Mr GN went to his family for Christmas, over 200 miles away, and he’s stuck there now for lockdown, wfh. 🤷‍♀️ it is what it is.

I still message Mr Mad. Occasionally we remind each other of the crazy, kinky times we shared but mainly it’s just the exchange of memes - he’s the best at that, very funny guy! I also message Mr Bike. We only met once, the chemistry was fantastic but it never went further due to his circumstances. He’s lonely as a single parent to two troubled teens (mother is dead). I admire his fortitude, plus he’s funny.

I’m a sucker for funny I’m afraid!

@Onesmallstep67 - I’m quite blunt so I’d probably just say it, especially if you feel a little uncomfortable with it (obviously in a nice way though)

Admire that you’re all still getting out on walking dates despite the weather.

@Eesha - I have an inability to just see where things go, I am my own worst enemy. Im also wary of catching the feels for emotionally unavailable guys on fab so use that purely for hook ups. But then it seems to distract me from dating people!

@Onesmallstep67 I had a similar issue with my ex FWB who professed his love for me about 2 months ago. I hadn't told him about Mr Yoga till then but we had stayed in touch and I just felt he was becoming really overly flirty so I decided to nip it in the bud. He still occasionally drops in the comment insinuating he was the best sex I had but hardly ever. Truthfully if the roles were reversed, I'd expect my partner to do the same! I would hate women flirting with him personally.

@ThisTooShallBe glad someone agrees with me about zoom! I truly miss touch. Mr Yoga told me this morning that he also had a great time but that he was sorry he wasn't so chirpy as he had a medical appt today and was feeling really anxious. So actually I wasn't completely wrong about the vibe not being ideal. We might try it again at some point just to see whether it could be better!

@Madeforthebeach i was the same really, but just keep in mind that fab can be fun in terms of people's openess which can sometimes be quite exhilarating. I think you should follow where the spark is personally. Deep down I wanted a proper relationship so I took that far more seriously.

For what it's worth @Eesha, I think you and Mr Yoga are doing well to keep things going and I truly hope you can reconnect properly in person very soon. Did you enjoy the extra big dessert ?

And the same for you @ThisTooShallBe, although I get the feeling you and Mr GN are like iron filings and a magnet when close to each other!
I always say that I would not like to think that Mr V is chatting to or in contact with other women. It does feel a bit wrong on my part so now that things are generally seeming more permanent with him I am going to consciously withdraw from these other guys or at the very least not respond to any flirtation. I guess I have never really had all my eggs in one basket during the last few years. It felt more comfortable at times not to be focusing all my attention on only one iron.

Situationship memes! I like the phrase! It seems a bit more neutral than FWB.

That said I do think it’s a bit sexist assuming women don’t benefit from a situationship as much as men.

I just finished my interview and thinking of my deadlines for other interviews and applications I’m hypothetically booked out till March/April.

• if MrPerfect to the power of perfect was chasing me right now he’d have to wait till then So my two irons/situationships suit me

Ha ha I love the iron filings analogy @Onesmallstep67, it’s spot on I’m afraid!

Mr GN knows I have close friendships with both my XH and my male friend from uni. As for my messaging with Mr Bike and Mr Mad occasionally, Mr GN doesn’t know as such as we have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy: I’m ok with the idea of him messaging other women, so I expect him to reciprocate. We don’t own each other. I know that may sound a bit odd but it works for us.

@SleepyBunk

They are brilliant! I hope your interview went well.

@Onesmallstep67 Oh yes, I totally recommend these meringue roulades although once you defrost, you have to eat the whole thing. Oh well .

Mr Yoga thinks we should try it again next week. I'm not sure if this is an autism thing but he said he had been worried about the medical appointment all week and that yesterday morning, they had brought it forward a day so I think it threw out his routine/mindset so he couldn't enjoy things as it was in the back of his mind. Any views on those who are autistic/aspie or who are linked to them would be welcome as I want to be able to understand behaviours as best as I can.

@Eesha

Disclaimer - not all people express the same so just my view here.

I don’t cope easily with changes in plan or multiple things happening at once?

Like right now I HAVE to focus on my applications even though arguably I do have time to date and chat and meet new folk I can’t do that.

Similarly, I had enough free time to see MrMilitary when I was ill last year but the thought of planning and having to “multi-task” and balance the emotions I felt for him with illness and exam stress was too much.

I don’t juggle or multi task well but I can hyper focus (I’m literally the perfect date when I’m there as I’m a good masker....but then I have to sit under a blanket for three days as I’m so emotionally drained!)

MrYoga is working outside as well (I think?)

so I suspect he’s even more socially drained - I find after a days social interaction even if I’ve performed well and everyone’s “charmed” by me I’m waiting to just sit and do nothing as I feel totally spent!

It has definitely been an issue in dating - I’m drawn to people with better social and emotional skills than me for sure! I’m not good on organising or contact or all of that stuff.

I think that’s why MrMilitary and I are drawn to each other but tbh emotionally the interaction is “a crime scene waiting to happen” - we’re both high functioning ASD techie types and need more emotionally literate partners!

Also I don’t really do emotional expression that well - I would hate to hurt anyone’s feelings but I’m the mistress of “coming up with accurate but slightly uncomfortable statements”! So I’m used to people going and then I’m mortified.

Like I said everyone’s different but maybe thats some clue

Hello, Im from the over 50's thread and long time lurker on here.
What I have found is more flaky, emotionally unavailable men on Tinder disguise themselves as something else. So giving an expectation of a relationship that quickly becomes apparent that they are just there for hookups so disappointment is always a sub catagory until they show their intentions are not having hookups.
With fab, its clear that its is for hookups but not always. I have a fwb from Fab who is reliable, talks about the future, messages me frequently, secures a follow up date on the day we meet, says actually the sex is secondary he likes spending time with me. Because its Fab I keep my guard up a bit while enjoying the time with him. I make sure he doesnt invade my mind too much. I might be great for pandemic entertainment but post covid he may be out there seeking hookups. Its been great for my self esteem and compartmentalising him into 'light hearted fwb' has been good for me. Having said that, I was really anxious one day about my illness and he was able to offer some support so some vulnerability leaked out tho generally I keep it locked down and share my true self with others.
Another iron from fab contacted me recently. He is actually looking for something more akin to a relationship.
So all in all fab isnt that much different to Tinder..However I have hidden my profile on fab as I could see those on it are allowed to put 'preferences' and were stating "no black or Asian' men/women' . This was confirmed by my fwb who says he gets 'no black men' all the time. Thats not a preference, thats allowing racism and the site should be responsible for that.

@SleepyBunk thank you so much, that's incredibly useful. Mr Yoga is high functioning Aspergers and actually works at home. I would consider myself super emotionally literate and strong socially! I can see more that things can drain him and I try and be mindful of this, for example he might need the odd weekend for himself to sort out life admin etc. I think he's quite wonderful.

Thanks @Eesha and @Madeforthebeach interview went ok but of course you never know till you hear back (basically like dating without penis)

@Greyandrare123

Great thoughtful post there - that’s what draws me to maybe trying Fab - the honesty of it? (Apart from the married men)

So the guys are clear they don’t want to meet if sex isn’t part of it BUT can upgrade.

Whereas on tinder you get the guys contacting “as if” it’s a date but secretly thinking “I’m not wasting my time if sex isn’t part of it”. Refreshing!

As a WoC I agree that the race stuff is weird (especially as on match.com I’d often get messaged by men who decided my features were “ok” and I’m acceptably ethnic but not “too ethnic”, but had only white on their preferences 🤮)

It’s not my battle and tbh I’ve had worse racism experiences so it barely registers but I think all dating sites/apps should take it off!

People can filter matches on contact for any reason as they do already (on anything they like - face, height, age, preference in music ) but it’s just a bit old fashioned and rude in 2020

@Greyandrare123 sounds like you have a great method for managing your fab friends. I need to take tips!
I have one fab friend, let’s call him Mr hotandcold, things have got a little complicated and it’s exactly what I was trying to avoid (complicated men who don’t know what they want, and yes admitably I’m more invested in it than I should be a fab friend). So I’m trying to build some other chats to avoid over investment.

@SleepyBunk - the like dating without a penis comment had me laughing. Hopefully you won’t have to wait too long.

@sleepybunk you have succintly put into better words what I meant. Thank you.
I thought 'preferences' would mean type of sex acts, type of group, preferred style. It just doesnt feel comfortable when it gets non inclusive.
My fwb is a person of colour. He is absoutely gorgeous and I would find him equally as attractive if he had white skin. Its him. Its the whole person Im attracted to.
Likewise I have found some white fwbs and boyfriends gorgeous too.
I will literally meet anyone if they are well mannered, enquiring and have a reasonable outlook and not an extreme conspiracy theorist as I have found them exhaustive.
@Sleepybunk I always say people show their true colours v early on old so commenting on your features shows you exactly who they are at the most earliest opportunity and can be a good filter for those twats to be binned quickly.

I’m black and you won’t believe how much that comes up with dating. I’m shocked at how much covert racism is.

A guy tried to minimise it by saying it’s no different from saying I like tall guys etc. So ridiculous!

Apart from that the 2 guys I met off Fab has been refreshing in terms of honesty and let’s see how things develop. It is a bit too much though with dick pics so I went off after connecting with them.

I can’t do the whole sleeping with more than one person at the same time so I found it pointless to keep being on there and harassed! esp by people wanting 3somes

What is fab? And how do I access it?!

Whoknows its called fabulous swingers.com.
Its a hookup site and if your are rusty on your anatomy of the human body, you will get a lesson through the pictures on their!
Its not for the faint hearted but 'ethnic preferences' aside its an honest site thats busy. Basically be very clear on what you want whether thats a hookup, fwb or even dating. The sex side is dominant and its actually refreshing in many ways to discuss sex openly.
The men I have had messages from have all been polite. Ive never felt anything other than fine and just delete the ones that dont appeal or from pushy men.
What I will say is keep your boundaries high as it is a hookup site and comprtmentalise the experiences you have. There have been relationships formed on Fab and the forum is a good place to look but it is a hookup site so keep your heart firmly enclosed.
I have found it liberating in many ways. I get the feeling the women there set the scene and will demand politeness. I have found it a place where women appear to be quite empowered through reading the forums and profiles.
The sheer volume of dick pics is comical.
Its free to join.
Most people dont show their face but there is an option to show your face in private pictures.

@Myfabby I feel the same with Fab. Its quite samey after a while with dicks there in your inbox and everytime you open a picture there is another one! I answered all messages from faces or those who had a conversation to start. The others I deleted. The volume is high. Its shit you have to deal with racisit idiots.

I love this thread and its honesty. I have learned so much about my attachment style and how to monitor it so I dont become hysterical. Its so good to know that Im not the only one who gets over invested and anxious. Im becoming a lot more neasured in my approach and stepping back, keeping my own prorities and not thinking of potential just looking at the reality.

Thank you all

Hi all
Re fab still chatting every day to
My friend on fab. Biding our time untill we can meet again. He has ill parents and we are 20 miles away so essential travel doesn't really work
Both said we aren't chatting to anyone else and it's good
Before that I had many a dick pick which I always deleted and chatted to some nice blokes but takes some sifting through
Take it lightly and enjoy the straight talking everyone

Isn’t the male-female ratio on Fab meant to be really high? So bit of a buyers market if you can handle the dick pics.

On a more romantic note - Last Christmas.

Finally had time to watch my Xmas rom-com and cried through most of it - best ever thoughtful kind of happy-ever ending I can relate to as a single woman.