Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Yes, definitely. I'll usually suggest meeting after a day or two of chatting - although making it happen these days is another matter!

I've not really spoken to Miss No Cats much at all on the app, but we had a quick phone call the other day, so will be interesting to see how we get on face to face.

I think I've also got another possible coffee/walk date arranged for next Sunday as well. At least I'm getting my daily steps count up if nothing else!

How are you all managing with meeting people irl?
I have cancelled a (first, walking) date which I was looking forward to today because I'm aware that it's against what we are being advised to do.

Feel really deflated. I need the distraction as I know my ex is back in the country and I'm struggling not to contact him.
I'm having a very hard morning tbh.

@RhusTox I thought we were allowed to meet one other person for outside exercise in the local area?

@RhusTox, I don't know your exact circumstances but I think many of us are struggling with life and its constraints at the moment. thistoo is correct, we are allowed to meet one other person outside. Maybe it's feeling a bit pointless ?
I'm struggling somewhat to maintain a healthy connection with my iron, Mr V. We hadn't seen each other all week and last night our date night consisted of sitting in my front room again with my 2 bickering daughters. One stressing about her GCSEs and the other more than fed up that she didn't make it back to uni before lockdown kicked in - and annoyed that I am not prepared to do a 6 hrs round trip to get her back there. I've been feeling emotional, drank too much and ended up crying at 2am because Mr V didn't want to jump my bones ! We had a reasonable conversation about it and he's maintaining that all things considered we are doing fine. He's not hugely demonstrative and I feel it's usually me pushing things along. I had to get up to sort out the kitten but I will go back to him in a minute and see how things are. He's very respectful of my DDs feelings so our sex life is definitely getting impacted by them being around all the time. His place isn't conducive to me staying over there. I am trying to keep things in perspective because I do really like him. It feels like I have a higher sex drive than him but we haven't really had a chance to do many of the normal dating stuff or getting away together because of bloody Covid.

@Onesmallstep67 how does that work with us not being allowed to visit inside people's houses? I'm not a massive stickler for the rules in life in general but I'm aware we should all be trying harder at this time.
I can't imagine inviting a date to sit with me and any members of my family at the best of times

@ThisTooShallBe my date lives 2 hrs away and we had plans to meet for a walk in the middle,so an hour's drive each. He was still up for it but I have postponed til I don't know when.

My circs are that my LTR of 13 years dumped me 6 weeks ago. I'm devastated and my mental health is all over the place. We didn't live together but were just making our plans, now that our respective kids have left home, to split our time abroad and here with some lovely opportunities for work and enjoyment. He has taken all that away from me. I have big abandonment issues (partly due to the way he's treated me over the past decade but also from childhood) and it's triggered huge despair and anxiety.

I went on OLD as a distraction and it's worked, a bit.

@RhusTox im personally not seeing my partner at all. We did go for a socially distanced walk last week prior to all the new London measures but now it feels like that is low priority given how fast this is all spreading. Why don't you leave it a couple of weeks and then meet depending how the rates are? You can still go for walks.
My partner also feels like we need to all be socially responsible and stay in for a bit. My ex is bubbled up with his gf and it does feel frustrating at times where they seem to be having the time of their lives whereas I'm mopping/cleaning up the kids without any romantic time in sight!

@Onesmallstep67 that sounds tough, I hope things improved this morning. I think we all need to remember these are weird times and as long as you want to keep it going, then that's what matters. It sounds like Mr V does want to though.

Also feeling a bit blah about not seeing Mr Yoga and not being able to do the stuff normal couples do. My anxieties are kicking in a bit too but we have decided to make a go of things and stay together. He's just of the school of why worry when we have no control over the situation whereas I dwell on what we could be doing! I really hope this all wont go on too long. It will be significant when his parents have the vaccine.

@RhusTox 6 weeks is no time at all after such a long relationship, I would have thought you’re still in shock. Are you sure you’re ready for the hurly burly of OLD? Can you reach out for support to family and friends?

I haven’t seen Mr GN since mid-December and won’t until February at the earliest. We’ve just accepted that normality is on hold. I think we cope in different ways. He seems to do a lot of daydreaming and moaning, I keep relentlessly busy and upbeat. Messaging is as regular as ever but obviously not very satisfying. The occasional video call which I tend to cut short so I can get back to being busy. Hate wallowing.

This pandemic and the current restrictions are hugely, hugely challenging for relationships. We have to be kind to ourselves and our partners, accept our different approaches and just hold tight. If I’m honest I think in your place @Onesmallstep67 I would call time on unsatisfying, awkward date nights and just stick to messaging/calls.

@ThisTooShallBe you're right, it's no time at all. But it was a long and drawn out process with him never giving the relationship any significant place in his life. I had been sidelined for so long. I haven't lived with a partner for 23 years now and I'm fed up with the crumbs from his table and him moving the goalposts on our relationship all the time.

I'm trying to do something for myself. I'm also talking to friends - a lot - applying for jobs, fixing things in the house, volunteering. A little OLD won't fix me but it won't kill me either, especially since no one can meet anyone in real life.

Hi, me again, I popped onto the last thread but didn't feel I had any update so carried on lurking. I think my match has lost interest. Not going to lie I'm pretty gutted. It's been years since I've cried so much over a guy. He's the first person I've felt a genuine connection with, and what makes it harder for me to process, is he said the same, he was the first to admit feelings, wanting to be exclusive, can see a potential for the future etc. Our communication has gone from daily to every few days if I'm lucky to not be ignored/left on read.
We had a SD dog walk planned for this weekend, I asked to finalise details a few days ago....no response, asked again yesterday and was told he can't make it as he's in another part of the country? Admitted I was disappointed as I was looking forward to it, sent a couple more chatty messages and again no response. Decided I need to know what's going on so sent another message saying I understand he's busy but I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me anymore......and yep, you've guessed it... left on read again.
If it had just been a couple of weeks, fine, ghosting is crap but get on with it and I'll move on. But it's been months, multiple dates and like I said I believed we had a genuine connection and relationship potential. Probably sounds ridiculous but I feel crushed.

Wise words here (of course we’re all at different dating and emotional stages but I think it’s so easy to jump to conclusions about early matches based on a very unrealistic/weird time for everyone...)

“This pandemic and the current restrictions are hugely, hugely challenging for relationships. We have to be kind to ourselves and our partners, accept our different approaches and just hold tight. If I’m honest I think in your place @Onesmallstep67 I would call time on unsatisfying, awkward date nights and just stick to messaging/calls.”

@RhusTox

Would it be worth just using the apps and being very clear you’re just there for chats and to make new friends only? Be honest.

Take off the pressure of arranging physical lockdown dates but help ease the loneliness a bit. If you hit it off you can go walk in April

I’ve desexed my online profile a few times and whilst you always get sex guys trying it on for sex (no boys “friends” doesn’t mean “with benefits”) I’ve met some nice new male mates who have enhanced my life a lot and broadened my horizons.

@Lulu44 sorry to hear that sounds shit give yourself time to recover and practice good self care even if you don’t feel like it

@Lulu44 that's really awful. You see it so many times here and I am always shocked how people can be so cowardly

Just as we’re all thinking about video calls - this is SO me....

@Lulu44, that is a really tough situation and you have my complete sympathy. It's horrible behaviour on his part. The very least anyone deserves is some closure.
@RhusTox, sorry by calling Mr V my iron I may have given the wrong impression. He's not someone I have only recently started dating. We've known each other over a year and after first lockdown we bubbled. He's met my daughters many times and they regard him as my partner.
Thanks for the words of wisdom Eesha, Sleepy and This too and as always friendly support. He's just left. We seem to be fine and he's being very pragmatic about the negative impact Covid is having on all of us. I am in the territory with him that there is definitely more right than wrong with our connection. I have always had a few niggles but some of those are caused by being an overthinker with nothing else to distract me. I don't want to walk away because he's a bright spark in a pretty dull life at the moment and I want to see how things are when - please God- things are more normal. I have known for some time that I need to fill out my life and not rely on a man to do that just by being around.

@Onesmallstep67 definitely don't walk away. It sounds like life feels mundane (which it is) and it's easy to feel low about things. I think sometimes you have to take a deep breath and not dwell. We are all still finding our feet with new dating. I hear you with filling our days : Mr Yoga and I have to just do calls etc and he could quite easily fill his time doing things whereas my life seems like 7-7pm kids, then only free for a chat!

Today i unexpectedly discovered lots of super sexy glamour shots on a memory stick which reminded me how good I looked once upon a time. Asked Mr Yoga to help me choose which to print out for my room. I usually don't share things like this but was quite nice to remind him that i wasn't always just a mum!

Some interesting thoughts here and I've picked up on the idea of whether things feel a bit wrong full stop or if that's due to negative impact of covid. Food for thought for me at least.
@Lulu44 that's terrible behaviour, I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Do be kind to yourself, whatever that means to you. Same advice @RhusTox you're very fresh out of a relationship and OLD can be an emotional rollercoaster even when you're on top form..

Thanks @Eesha. I have been out for a socially distanced chat and catch up with my friend on a walk around the park. Going to get out each day this week for some fresh air and attack a few tasks around the house.
I'm sure Mr Yoga will be delighted to help you choose the right pics.

Oh and hooray for glamour pics @Eesha I'd love to have some taken. No idea what I'd do with them but it's nice to have a reminder that you're more than Mum!

I'm sorry @RhusTox that sounds so tough and I'm not surprised you've been trying to distract yourself with OLD.

@Lulu44 a very similar thing just happened to me and I'm disproportionately heart-broken, I think it's because I'd been alone for so long before then and it was so lovely to be in a relationship again. Mine didn't ghost me as such, just had up some bullshit excuse - which contradicted everything he had told me and lead me to believe up until then....no worth challenging him as he's already dismissed me 😢

@Heartbeats0708 i used a company called For Your Eyes Only about 10 years ago. I got a discount voucher at one of these wedding fairs and tried it out. Honestly it was the best experience! I had already had one big canvas of a pic which I put up above my bed after my ex and I split up. In my head, the other pics couldn't have been as good but when I stumbled on the memory stick today, I just found there were quite a few more which looked stunning so I thought I'd put them up too. I would totally recommend that type of shoot to anyone.

@Onesmallstep67 yes Mr Yoga gave me constructive advice but it was also good to remind him how I look undressed rather than in a parka and wellies!

@RhusTox I would take things very slowly or even just enjoy the chat as it's such early days for you. I really found it useful to desex my profile at times and tell people I was just testing the water or just happy to chat. That's all I think I wanted early on when I split with my ex. I was also very anxious with the idea of meeting anyone in case they were abusive like him so I really wanted to be careful. Look after yourself.

@Onesmallstep67
I'm glad you got out for a walk with your friend and its good you recognise that you need to find some things to fill your time so you dont rely on Mr V to be your whole life.
I know lockdown makes it so hard but hopefully find some things.

I met up with Mr K earlier, I actually have missed him, i didnt realise how much I love chatting to him and just putting the world to rights.

I'm so pleased we managed to meet for a few hours and so he is, he apparently was worried I had friendzoned him because a couple of times during the last few weeks i mentioned that we had lost our connection and we felt like friends and he thought that was me hinting at dumping him🙄

Anyway all is good and I definitely cant do 2 weeks apart so I better not get Covid🤣

I also rechecked my love language result and in my top 2 were quality time and physical touch which of course you cant do while self isolating and which is why I felt we had lost our connection.