Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@LongtimelurkerL not planning on meeting Mr Yoga. Saw each other pre lockdown and held gloved hands, nothing else. My friends mum is unconscious and critical on a ventilator, more than likely because my friend was out and about at parties and dates so I'm just extra cautious at the present time.

@LongtimelurkerL - I might this weekend with a nearby iron, but I’m seriously wondering whether it’s a good idea as major incident declared. Looks like situation completely out of control in London.

@LongtimelurkerL

Busy here so that’s affecting priorities as well

have floated idea of seeing MrMilitary at mine before he goes back to work as that would mean no vulnerable contacts either side - he’ll be going straight to officers mess

but probably not happening (he seemed a bit miffed last time we were in touch I wasn’t just rolling over and agreeing to be his missus cause he decided he wants it NOW it suits him 🤷‍♀️ Plus I’m deadlined out again so can’t have too much mental dating load )

MrC away still but up for seeing him on his return but just staying quietly at his and vice versa

No way I’m getting back on apps for any new chats or irons till lockdown lifts a bit tbh.

It’s just going to be quite weird as dating stress is hard enough without having to work out “is he not into me or is he just worried about his profession or job/elderly relative?”

Pp mentioned prioritising just taking care of MH, exercise, sleep ( yoga and lose a couple pounds and cheeky eBay shopping so I’m even hotter and cuter than usual for the spring and summer )

and that’s my plan I think apart from these Wretched deadlines

Overall I live a very quiet/isolated low contact life

so I guess seeing one person I have a pre-existing emotional connection with who may be away for a long period of time

and won’t be in a situation to spread to general population seems fine.

I think if I was on the apps some bloke I didn’t know using lockdown as an excuse to invite himself to mine or ask me to his would make me even more livid than usual!

Yeah I’m on the fence - I couldn’t see MrLongWalks until next weekend anyway (child!) but just wondered. If both working from home and limiting contact then I’m not sure of the harm of a walk (especially since he won’t kiss me!) but maybe I’m being silly. Def no to randomers from the apps though. Situation in London is a major incident but the R number is 1.4.....I’m somewhat confused....

@LongtimelurkerL last year i did break lockdown and saw someone for a few dates and I think he was also limiting contact but it felt less serious then. Now I have many more people closer to home who have it and are seriously ill. I think maybe go for your walks with your iron but keep your distance and at least it will give you a better chance to get to know him. I would outright ask him if there wasn't a lockdown, would he want to kiss you!!!?

@LongtimelurkerL - I think it's R in combination with the number of people infected. It's a lot. Generally I think the advice is that outside is ok, especially if he's wfh also. Dark times.

@LongtimelurkerL as far as I’m aware you’re completely within the regulations just going for a sd walk?

So it basically comes down to if he thinks he has to be available for any vulnerable relatives/how comfortable he feels etc

Iike @eesha says it just takes one incident to make someone feel more cautious overall

I’m in two minds what to do regarding meeting up with Mr TG. We haven’t had a conversation about it tbh but I might suggest a walk tomorrow.
I wfh and only see my kids and one sister outdoors for walks and he is now wfh with a similarly small contact list so on paper the risks are low.
In any event my ex can’t take kids for the next few weeks so he can’t come here anyway so no sleepovers possible!

I'm meant to be seeing MrTall tonight but yesterday he revealed that he still lives with his ex.
He had originally said he lives with a housemate.

I do think they have separated to a degree (looking on social media, he's never unable to talk etc).

This is an issue in terms of his and his 'ex's' lives still clearly being too involved and also... he's lied to me.

Part of me wants to see him but my head says I should cancel and walk away

@30somethingandstillsingle whats their situation? Can't they afford to move out? And has he been seeing you at yours rather than you going there? I think lots of people must be in this kind of scenario tbh. It would put me off but depends whether you want to see how it goes?

Basically he's changed jobs recently and it will be another couple of months until he can move out.
I went to his once, though turns out that was his friends house that he borrowed. He usually comes to me.
I think the lying is the biggest issue. I did/do really like him but I'm not sure if I want to get involved in this situation.

@30somethingandstillsingle, I think you have to trust your own instincts with this. You have to think - or even ask him- what his motivation behind the lies was ? Do you get the feeling that you can trust him ? I have never been in his position but maybe if he had been honest up front you might have dismissed him at that point. Also neither of you knew at that point if things would even develop past date 1 or 2. Of course if this lie is in addition to other question marks you have over him then that's a different matter.

@Onesmallstep67 He said that as we met on fab it was just supposed to be a casual/occasional thing and that he lied because otherwise it would likely have been a no from me straight away (which is true) but that now it's developing into more he wanted to be honest with me.

There's no other red flags, though tbh he blindsided me with this one, didn't see it coming at all.
I think I'm going to see him tonight and see what he says in person.

30something seeing him in person seems the best option. I much prefer talking about things like this in person. Having met on Fab have the goalposts moved for both of you? Were you looking initially for casual ? As he said the dynamics have changed now. I see his honesty as a good thing although it does put the onus onto you as being the one who has to accept his different circumstances. Is his position workable for you?

@30somethingandstillsingle i see his logic, it was meant to be casual and now it's not. Just meet and discuss but sounds like it's not a proper lie as such.

I've been on dab while on normal dating sites. Being fab there were no expectations for 'more' but yes, the goalposts have moved for both of us. Though there has been no chat about exclusivity and we are both still on fab etc

30something his explanation makes complete sense to me. My ex still lives with me and I don't think he's proud of it (he shouldn't be, if he earned a living one of us could move out) so why mention it if it was meant to be just FWB? The fact that he's telling you now shows that he wants more, which is presumably a good thing? I'd class it as a white lie of no consequence for a Fabster so if there have been no lies of consequence, it's a positive development if you see it going further.

@30somethingandstillsingle
Aside from the lying my issue is that if he wants more than casual, is he over his ex?
How long have they been seperated? Are they married or were they just partners?
Any kids? How long realistically until they properly seperate and he lives elsewhere?
He says a few months but what if there is another excuse and then another?
How do you know they're actually seperated?(I never had my husband on my social media so if anyone looked they would think I was single)

Going straight from one to another isnt healthy as we all know on here.

@Myfabby Glad to hear you've been getting some better matches on Hinge!

@LongtimelurkerL I'm happy to meet irons for walks outside, which is still allowed. I work from home, live alone and am careful when I go out for my weekly shop so I think the risk is low. I'm also currently not visiting my mum and sister (who are my official support bubble) either just in case.

I had a cold walk at lunchtime with an iron today - had a nice chat, but both agreed there's was no spark, however would like to stay in touch as friends.

I'm now waiting to hear back from Miss Why about tomorrow. I'm getting a little frustrated as it sometimes takes her a day to reply to my messages on the app, and with less than a day to go we still haven't picked a location or time. Although yesterday she was talking about what outfit to wear, so I'm hoping she's not going to cancel at the last minute, especially as I re-arranged things so I could meet her on Saturday.

Is it really that hard to reply to people in less than 24 hours?

Hope she comes through @TheCatWithTheHat

@30somethingandstillsingle I think everyone’s given a great range of thoughts I agree meet and see what you think?

One way of gauging out the living situation might be if you meet at his briefly just to check - I randomly have a male friend as lodger which works great but does raise eyebrows so sometimes I have dates just drop by for a cup of tea just so they can see it’s all ok (obviously lockdown might make this harder?)

I’m hoping to be able to afford solo this year but I’m prioritising sending my career in the right direction and not getting into debt whilst doing so

Hmmm 30something I would NOT have been impressed by the lying, FWB or no. I had a FWB last year who was still living with his ex...he did get quite keen for a while, but it was clear to me that he had a lot of emotional and practical wreckage to clear before he was ready for a new relationship.

Well, I was considering continuing to see Mr Double Decker- I carried on seeing him through the last lockdown (plus Mr BigCityBoy too , now happily ensconced in his European big city of origin until it all blows over here), but things are seeming more serious by the day, and perhaps we should consider taking a rain check on our next weekend (he is currently living with a friend who is recovering from cancer).

Thanks! She got back to me not long ago actually, and we've now agreed on a location - just need to sort a time, and it's all good!

I've also got another walk/coffee date for Sunday arranged - had a quick chat on the phone last night, although she doesn't like cats so I'm not sure it will go anywhere!

Some people are odd though. Someone mentioned meeting someone famous on their profile, so I commented on that, and asked a question. They replied to me earlier this evening just to say it didn't happen - nothing else. Conversation really is a lost art form it seems.

Just out of boredom, I've been chatting more to Miss Polish who refuses to tell me what she does for work, as she doesn't divulge sensitive financial information to complete strangers!

cat please keep chatting to Miss Polish! She's hilarious! Was it Miss Why who got back to you? Two weekend meets coming up, you're doing really well.

30 stay on your guard but bear in mind that living with your ex is often not out of choice. Any emotional connection could be long gone. Just like people can live on their own and still hold a candle...

Had a sneaky swiping session on Tinder. Swiped right a few times but the only one I matched with was where it was by mistake. I realised as soon as I'd done it. Hopefully he won't message...

Has anyone got any ideas for alternative dating ideas given the lockdown situation? Mr Yoga and I are thinking takeout deliveries and zoom calls but who knows whether anywhere will deliver to us both! Darn it! How to keep the magic alive I wonder?

@TheCatWithTheHat you have to date Miss Polish, she sounds cringey but I think you'll have a great date story to tell us all!!