Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Shudawuda I’m sorry that’s happening, will you keep contact with FWB to see how his date goes?

@Onesmallstep67 your friend sounds a bit messed up, what she said doesn’t make sense. I’d just ignore her view.

@Onesmallstep67 maybe your friend thinks that Mr V being cool is more of a normal scenario rather than perhaps more lovebombing types? I'm with you in that I hate the idea of ghosting and actually very early on he disappeared for a couple of days only because he was unwell etc and this really upset me. It was very early on in our relationship and my spidey senses feel like he was overwhelmed a bit. Anyway, since then, I've had that feeling in the back of my mind! I've had to try and not like my anxieties get the better of me and it's helped that we keep in contact every day now somehow plus I know him much more now. I think your friend is trying to say Mr V is being normal and cares for you, which is healthy, and that you are adapting to his styles too.

I think @Eesha, you are right. I think she was trying to remind me that my last RS was a bit love bomby and I used to complain of feeling claustrophobic because he would want to organise our time so much, usually with things of his choosing. I did get very used to him being 100% reliable though. I guess many of us are looking for someone reliable, connected and committed. I think Mr V is by and large, he's just a bit (lot) more laid back than me. And a working life that is full and tiring. Whilst I am into Lockdown clearout#3. There'll be nothing left in th house soon !

Watch the ghosting video list I posted @Onesmallstep67 Teal talks about how it has an impact on our other interactions it might help you out

@ThisTooShallBe I’m not sure I want to know, although we are supposed to be friends too. I certainly won’t be seeing him and putting myself at risk.

Definitely an interesting discussion to be had - getting that balance right between lovebombing and ghosting. I’m still learning what I feel comfortable with and how to negotiate or assess this

I agree I’ve had a lot of “chaser” guys who turned out to be really bad news down the line.

After a lot of early trauma and rejection and feeling I didn’t fit in and was unwanted (socially and romantically) I’d think someone who bombarded me with phone calls and texts was seriously in love with me

then I’d be disappointed when they didn’t have my best interests at heart. Or when the lovebombing stopped. Or when I realised they were the type to do this to any attractive female and just desperate with no boundaries.

I think if we’re used to people ignoring us being a “sensitive spot” then we can overreact a bit when we do feel ignored?

And maybe end up dismissing people too easily

Eg over Xmas someone I met online dating summer 2019 dropped mince pies at mine

and I’m using some of his advice after he’s checked my applications.

Last lockdown break he took me out for a slap up dinner as I was feeling down

Nothing ever actually happened between us sexually as we sort of stayed in the friend zone - he’s attractive and not creepy just bad timing.

all the evidence would say over time he’s 100% someone who has my best interests at heart?

He works at the local university and a couple of times I’ve been there and sent him a text to meet for coffee and...shock horror... he didn’t reply! and we’ve had months of no contact.

But the overall picture is he’s great.

I think as well if we’re attracted to someone and see them as desirable “rejection” stings more? Everything is more loaded.

So we end up in this childish dynamic where we’re the “needy one” and they’re the “superior one” rather than two adults with their own feelings and issues and priorities.

Thank you @cravingthelook. I will take a look.
And @ThisTooShallBe, I always look out for your thoughts. You seem to have great self esteem and good boundaries. I think actually what I am really questioning more ( rather than my friends opinion ) is why I am so easily triggered when it looks like Mr V is stepping away from me ? It didn't happen with previous RS and it didn't always happen with other irons. I imagine if I looked into it with a counsellor its root is most likely in childhood where I didn't feel massively loved so sought attention by people pleasing .Subsequently in recent years where I lost my DH and both parents in 4 years. It was a hugely stressful time and I felt I couldn't handle any more. So as soon I feel that stress it's like my mind and body goes straight back to that feeling.

Hey all - back after Christmas and back at work. I'll read back properly this evening but understand how many of us are going to be frustrated again by lockdown. It's a shitshow isn't it?

For me, last lockdown nearly broke me, coming as it did on top of divorce papers, hostilities from ex, being diagnosed with stress, nightmares at work and then the joy of the bait and switch, lovebomb then ghost, lying, baggage ridden, arrogant fucktard that was Mr Beard stressing me out at a time when he felt like all I had left once my social life, friends and office life had been taken away.

This time I am in a better place mentally and more sanguine, have come off the apps, and am just bored and frustrated rather than lovesick and angsty. Coping with 4 of us working from home and arguing about cleaning the kitchen.

Sending love and strength to everyone though - lockdown is a time for overthinking and worrying and over-analysing as well as the dreaded FOMO

I'm down to two irons - Mr Local and Mr Ginger - with no prospect of any more now I'm off the apps unless the Amazon guy takes a shine to me answering the door in my dressing gown with no make up on!

Not seen either of them since New Lockdown - though Mr Local at least is logistically safe as houses seeing as he never goes out of his - but we'll see how things go. It's minus 10 here so not really up for a walk.

Snowing again now, too...

@Onesmallstep67 Im not sure if I've got my wires crossed but was Mr V the one who had a messy history? Lots of exes etc?

I also lost both my patients quite tragically and I do feel I'm a pleaser as a result and always put others first regardless. Mr Yoga pointed it out very early on. I would say he and I are on more equal footing and don't need each other in any way really, just enjoy each other's company. I used to feel anxious before, thinking the worst. It's taken a whilst to move on from that.

I think as well if we’re attracted to someone and see them as desirable “rejection” stings more? Everything is more loaded.

and

I think if we’re used to people ignoring us being a “sensitive spot” then we can overreact a bit when we do feel ignored?

Both of these pretty much sum up how I feel @SleepyBunk. You have a great skill for analysing and distilling the essence of situations.

@cravingthelook - watched the video. was really good actually and I think she's the best of those kind of advice people I've seen. Helpful to think if you have been ghosted then it should be the other who makes contact. When she talks about it being normalized, at least on this thread it won't be. It would be useful to be able to detach from the anxiety it induces having once experienced it, without losing the appreciation of what a crap thing it is to do.

No @Eesha, Mr V doesn't have a particularly complicated relationship history, in fact if anything he's not really pursued anything long term He has a DD but for the most part he lived with his Mom who he felt a great debt of gratitude to in a pretty complicated childhood with his other siblings. He concentrated on her, his pastimes and friends. In a few respects he's a bit dysfunctional which probably brings out my nurturing and fixing side. But he's an attractive, funny guy who I fancy and enjoy the company of more than many others that i met.

@Onesmallstep67 sorry, my mistake. I vaguely remembered someone with a similar name who had a really messy background.

I agree that @SleepyBunk has summed it up perfectly about the perceived rejection if an iron does not do as you are used to.

I have found that with MrG - I keep reminding myself he is doing a busy job if he doesn’t message as I anticipate. My ex H was very gushy about his love very early on. We knew each other prior to meeting so slipped into very full on pretty quickly. We were engaged by this stage in my relationship with MrG which feels totally crazy now as I find there is no way I would move so quickly again towards marriage. But I think the messaging, if unequal can make you feel very ignored.
I am actively trying to avoid a similar type to my ex and MrG is very different to him. His actions are positive though and he always wants to see me (well until this lockdown) if I have child free time.

That video on ghosting is good too as I do wonder if being ghosted by my first iron is making me read more into a lack of messages from MrG now.

I also find being active, exercising and getting a good sleep helps my mood massively - so that is what I am going to concentrate on for now during the lockdown and hopefully come out the other side of it as healthy and stress free as possible. From the experience of the first lockdown, I remember a mix of good days with an odd very down day thrown in. That was without any dating angst or lockdown longing too - so I think we all need to be as kind to ourselves as possible and try not to overthink too much...

@cravingthelook that video was really good. I could really identify myself in what she was saying about blaming myself. I was constantly running through my last interactions with Mr BE and to a certain extent Mr German trying to figure out what I did to make them want to fade me out or ghost! Not healthy I know now.

And @DudeFromThatLondon you are right that on this thread the advice on ghosting has been so supportive and we don’t accept it on here - and I don’t think any of the posters here have ghosted anyone either which is heartening.

@Onesmallstep67 it sounds like you have with your iron going quiet what I experience with any of my (now adult) DC needing medical treatment: I immediately revert to the feelings of extreme stress and irritation I experienced when the eldest DC had cancer 20 years ago. Perhaps a form of PTSD? It helps to recognise and name it. And in the case of your iron, to share with him the place where it sends you, so he is more careful not to press that button?

Re ghosting behaviour in general, it’s bad manners, childish and cowardly to ghost someone. It made me angry rather than hurt but then it never happened with anyone I felt anything for. From somebody who to some degree owes you care as well as courtesy, it must sting like crazy. It’s them, not you, and I would just be even more incredibly angry about it.

Thank you @ThisTooShallBe, I think it may well be a form of PTSD. I am feeling a touch of it this evening. I called Mr V a couple of hours ago to discuss whether I would pop over to his tonight for a while. As yet he hasn't called back. I was actually not too bothered about whether I would go or not as it's cold and I'm tired. But now I am bothered because I am wondering why he hasn't called back. I doubt there's any malice behind it and he may have been seeing what time he finished as his hours are flexible. But it only takes a quick call to say that and on balance we might have said let's leave it for this evening. I will raise it with him when we speak.

@Onesmallstep67

That’s what I mean by borderline behaviour - you know it’s not out of malice but it does put you out a bit and make you feel unwanted

Eg MrMilitary just didn’t reply to quite a long message I sent him a couple days ago (but may pop up again in a few days probably when I’m busy and don’t want to deal with it ? )

The trouble is I don’t want cocklodger lite with a bloke just turning up when he likes?

I understand he actually grew up with quite domineering/chatty older sisters and very close to his mother

and sounds weird but I think he’s used to just ignoring women who are “there” for him ? Like the furniture

Like they’ll bombard him with messages/attention/memes/social ideas and as the loved golden youngest child with the cool job he’ll just do his own thing until they’re literally begging him then he’ll react.

But that’s no good for me - socially I can’t be on standby for someone all the time? He wanted to turn straight up mine the first night he got back and I was like ?

In person he’s chivalrous and connected and attentive - it’s just being too used to having mum doting on him and thinking any woman who loves him will show it by just being constantly permanently “there” just like his family and female relatives.

I personally find it quite sexist - I don’t want to take on the role of boring organising nag!

It’s the old Germaine Greer (or the “posh frock” concept as well) theory

where men encourage women to be this loving accessible homebody to keep the love going

then they take her for granted and they’re paying more attention to the glam outsider woman who dresses up for dates out.

Mr V rang and as predicted had been working late. I won't clog up the thread with lots more reflections from me about him specifically today. Suffice to say that my issues were here before he came along and I just need to work out if he is the right fit for me going forward.

Thanks to @TheCatWithTheHat and @Onesmallstep67, Hinge profile rejigged and better matches, even if I have a flurry of 24 -28 year olds

Chatting with a couple and paused my profile as I get overwhelmed and can't remember who is who.

FWB who wanted exclusive on Tinder has popped back up apologized and wants to start over- ( conveniently as we are on lockdown and he lives 4 miles away). I have replied cheerily to everything else but when he pressed saying hes basically self isolated so I should come over- I'm like nope. The joker thinks I'm going to risk COVID for him? Yeah

@Onesmallstep, what I have found with communication is there shuld be ebb and flow. Today for instance I have been grumpy and not wanted to interact with my kids talk less of an iron. And I don't feel I need to say oh feeling down today don't want to chat. As long as I don't get a feeling of deliberate withdrawal or mind games then I'm pretty cool with when I hear from an iron

Oh ffs. One by one my rich seam of matches have either revealed them to be loving with their mum or ex; didn't bother getting back to me (whaaaat?!) or the last and most lovely looking and solvent and intelligent big reveal of massive Covid conspiracy theorist 🙄😩

Hey who here wants to pitch in with starting a dating app specifically for deniers so they can all find each other, get off our apps and we can make our fortune!

Win win win, non?

@SleepyBunk - I was brought up in a similar scenario to MrMilitary. Not sure it quite affected me in the same way (didn't get the chance to ignore anyone for a start), but ages ago I did get accused by a friend of playing the helpless "kid" role with whoever I was going out with. I rather dismissed it at the time but I'm now wondering if she was right and that I do do it somewhat. Hope not.

Well its a good job I wasn't feeling it with MrBarber as he appears to have disappeared 🤷‍♀️ saves me having to send the "I'm not feeling it" message so done me a favour i guess although I did think he was better than ghosting but my irons never cease to amaze me on this front 🤦‍♀️

Hi all - busy busy here - can we have a roughy straw poll on who’s still meeting up with irons for walks etc? What ‘rules’ if any are you using?