Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

In November i was hoping for a nice weekend away with MrC and more recently maybe a nice night with MrMilitary

but instead due to timing I’m stuck in with a big car of value chocolate and my laptop and mumsnet! 😬 and the boys have their own jigs going on! Not that I don’t love you threadies but it’s not the same as kisses and

But I think just focussing on all that “boring but true” MH stuff like exercise and my own goals is all I can feasibly worry about for now.

When I was younger I’d definitely have had romantic FOMO - so I’d have met up even if I didn’t feel well enough just to “get the bloke pinned down ” but now I’m more blase.

I’m back and feeling very despondent too. I had more walking dates with my iron, but in the last few days since lockdown was announced he’s gone pretty quiet. He lives 30 miles away...so not exactly ‘local’ and I’m worried about suggesting a meet up before March. Having said that, I’ll come clean and admit we still haven’t even kissed in the 10+ times we’ve met up - I can’t work out if he’s being cautious re. COVID, or isn’t interested, or just wants a friend. He’s fairly reserved. I need to come out and ask him - I am hoping to hear from him later so I can just ask and be fine with it either way! I’d be happy to wait until lockdown ends if he’s keen, but if he’s not I just want to move on. Not that there are any more irons hovering . Sigh.

*be done with it, not fine with it!

I'd be happy enough just to socialise at a swingers club to be honest, I like the idea of it. It'll take a while before they reopen "properly" though no doubt.
I'm not sure if my fwb/'primary' would be going just to make me happy so would be tempted to find someone else to go with the first time.

Bumble is down! Obviously overladen with the volume of lockdown singles....

Lol @RhusTox there’s always a January surge anyway it must be even worse this year!

Lockdown longing all round it appears 😬
And I’m amazed that so many of you have tried swinging I’ve never considered it for me(or heard of anyone in that scene!) but find it all fascinating.
I last saw Mr TG on 29/12 and really don’t know when we will be able to see each other again - just when things were getting interesting 😊 It’s frustrating as hell but what can you do 🤷‍♀️

My old ghosting iron Mr Blue Eyes popped up yet again this week with a how’s you type message! I know he’s kicking himself that he messed things up with us and I do get some satisfaction from that I must say

I hope Clover is doing ok too.

Lockdown longing is a great phrase @Mayzee

I might do the next thread title as that

I think with online dating app culture and technology dating emotions are trained to expect results fairly soon

And add to that the social media pressure to have some photogenic partner in a perfect looking house eating nice looking food and its easy to get FOMO.

Most people’s pace of life and pressures aren’t the same as Z list lnstagram influencers though

A few months is nothing - I don’t know about anyone else but I’ve had male friends of 1-4 years who I have only seen from time to time /sporadically/casually who maintained/declared an interest in me

and whilst it wasn’t consummated I’d say their influence on my life was positive and if we had periods when we weren’t in touch it made no difference to the overall picture?

I think I can trust in building a connection longer term without getting paranoid the other person is going to get “taken off the market” or is my last chance at happiness.

Because that isn’t true - if I lost my two irons tomorrow I could definitely be back dating and have a new interest in a reasonable timeframe

I love the sheer number of Fabbers and people interested in clubs on this thread.

Well my call went fantastic- 2 hours 15 minutes. He's normal and funny and as straight up as me. We are off for a coffee and a walk at the seaside (in between) just a few miles each for us on Saturday. I best name him Mr Hometown as we are from the same city and our accents were in full force.

Loving the new thread title as Lockdown Longing - we'll need it soon enough

Sleepybunk that’s a great way of looking at it. I needed to hear that I think.

I nearly tried swinging but split with the ex iron who was up for it. I still would 😊

Bloody hell I pressed that weird purple boost lightening bolt in right bottom corner of Tinder and have had 7 quality matches!

Seriously Tinder where were you hiding all these gorgeous solvent interesting funny cool guys before now?!??

I recommend hitting the boost button. I'd never noticed it before!

This is such a busy thread!

Glad to see you’ve found some hot guys hiding @Ruralbliss
Another one here who hasn’t ever been to a swingers club, but interesting to read everyone’s thoughts and experiences.

I’m feeling a bit down about this latest lockdown and dating as Mr G has said he will not meet for the duration despite us being in a support bubble. He has health issues, so is feeling particularly vulnerable, as have I - so I do understand. Having gone nearly 5 years with no sex, to meeting him and having a great time, I am really going to miss that side of things now. Lots of video chats are on the cards for us I think.
I am going to busy myself at home as have been furloughed too and hope it works out when we are able to eventually meet again...

@noodles44 I'm feeling the same as you. My iron isn't keen on meeting anymore and I'm gutted as it was just getting good!

Maybe though this is a sign he's not meant to be.....

As well as video calls, sending occasional random cute photos or video clips via WhatsApp to the long distance chaps has seemed to go down really well

especially if it’s unexpected and a bit “flirty/naughty” in content/tone?

So I’ll try to do that but only occasionally, make it special? (As lovely as I am I don’t think a guy with a busy job has energy to respond to a sexy photo every bloody morning 😂)

I think the issue is that I/we kind of run out of energy for “how’s your day?” chat after a short while, especially if we haven’t spent masses of FTF time together!

So for keeping in touch I’m thinking few times a month rather than daily?

But that doesn’t mean there’s not a connection there.

Lockdown longing is a great term! I definitely feel that...

You make some excellent points @SleepyBunk and one advantage of lockdown is that if you are developing a connection with someone, it's far less likely that they'll be out meeting other people at the moment so there's less to distract them.

The boost features are great aren't they! I think all the apps have them, but can be quite addictive though, and I've spent a fair bit buying extra boosts on Hinge and Bumble.

I've been feeling really up and down. Get a match with someone nice, and I feel really positive. Then they don't reply and I'm back feeling down again. I'm stuck in my flat alone, so it's nice to have some new people to talk to even if we don't ever meet.

Fortunately, Miss Why has been in touch and suggested somewhere we can meet on Saturday so it looks like our walking/coffee date is still on. Is there a term for that? Coffalk? Waffee? I'm trying not to get over-invested, but I really like her.

Of my 15+ recent matches, a few have replied and one seems keen to meet, so that will hopefully result in another walk date. She's said that she's keen to meet someone for a lockdown (and longer) romance so at least seems open to the idea of taking things further if we click, and I really like the look of her too.

Can I join you all?
My lovely iron has dumped me for lockdown (who knows how long that's going to be!) and I'm back on the apps....here we go again!
Previous to my last iron I had a long time without any bedroom action, and now I'm determined to not make it so long this time.

Good suggestions @SleepyBunk - I think we will probably continue to message as we are, but with video calls etc too. I know what you mean about the “how’s your day?” messages and with everyone staying in so much more general chat doesn’t flow as well always.

That is true @TheCatWithTheHat about irons being unlikely to be seeing too many people - so any connections made will hopefully be good.
Glad you have a waffee/coffalk with Miss Why on Saturday set up and have a good feeling about her too.

Sorry you’ve been dumped for lockdown @Somethingmavelous
I found chatting on the apps really helped when I got ghosted by someone. It took a while to summon up the enthusiasm as my heart really wasn’t into the swiping to begin with, but it was a great distraction.

I think it is going to be a long few months...

Welcome @Somethingmavelous

This is going to be me in late February for sure

I might rejoin the thread (been on previous under different names), feeling awful tonight as a long term FWB has a date on Friday. Someone he met irl and I can’t decide if it’s about him (I don’t think so). Or about the fact he gets to swan about meeting people and building a life while I’m stuck in my house forever and ever.

Anyway think I may need to swipe to feel better, although I had sworn off before the last lockdown to either meet someone IRL from all the hobbies and work travel I had planned hahahahahah FFS.

I do have one Iron though who I’ve been on 3 dates with but that was pre-Covid so while he messages every day he hasn’t wanted to leave his house to meet me since last Feb! While I’m not exactly going anywhere anytime soon I want to maybe see people from when we may be freer in Feb/March?

Morning everyone - have been very absent from last thread due to complete and utter life overwhelm.

If anyone remembers I was the lunatic considering going abroad with my iron after having known him for a few weeks, during a global pandemic I had gruesome court proceedings going on in the run up to Christmas with my exh - without being too outing will just say it was absolutely horrendous and thankfully he made a total tit of himself in court under cross examination so I didn't have to rely on the judge being anything other than a functioning human being to put him firmly back in his box. But still. Honestly, having an abusive/personality disordered ex husband is the gift that keeps on giving.

Straight after that finished we went off on our trip - before that it had all been pretty cool between us and I was tentatively excited that I might - gosh - have met someone with proper potential. Long story short is that we did get on really well, had a great time, BUT - and I couldn't help thinking of Thread Rule no.13 as it all unfolded... the thing that you ignore early on will undo you later - not sure this is 100% reflective of the situation BUT I remember voicing early on that I wasn't sure he was over the end of his marriage and sure enough, I think for him being away on holiday with someone else triggered all sorts of feelings and there has been a distinct slight pulling back since then. He is a thoroughly decent bloke and we do get on ridiculously well, so there's no ghosting or otherwise bad behaviour.

It's a good job because once again I've been reminded that I am completely useless if contact changes in any way. Last iron (who ended up ghosting, lying, totally unable to be upfront about things) drove me to near-insanity with over promising in early days and then suddenly changing behaviour. Even with someone being kind and communicative about it all - my reaction is disproportionate. MrR has a ton of shit on his plate (redundancy, starting a business, impending divorce, 92 yr old mother living with him during pandemic, etc etc) and yet I am still driven to think that absolutely everything is ALL ABOUT ME and struggle to separate my feelings of abandonment/rejection from everything else.

Finding it all so stressful. We met on Sunday for a hike which was lovely, but it now looks as though no meetings till the end of this lockdown which I reckon will be mid-March. I've got my own shit going on (impending redundancy too and need to get new job lined up) and need to focus on myself and NOT be angsting about bloody men.

Sympathy to all others in similar situation, and enduring 'lockdown longing'!

Morning Dolly

Interestingly I was just watching Teal Swan's video on ghosting and in it she talks about the lasting emotional damage it can do.

Ex's are shit - I'm glad he's been put in his box.

Link to video fb.watch/2SuUD3UdJZ/

@Shudawuda welcome back. Sorry you’re feeling bad about your FWB but why is it you think he can swan around making a life and you can’t? Is he not locked down as well?

@ThisTooShallBe his work is outside the home, had been all the way through, so meeting lots of people through work and then having “meetings”. Not really in the spirit of lockdown I don’t think! I think I’m just bitterly jealous because for me I have no care from ex at all, stressful now WFH job. It was hard enough to build a life before Covid, now it feels impossible. I so wanted to meet someone IRL without hitting the apps again!

I was talking to my best friend last night about how things are going with Mr V. She has known me through my marriage and then subsequent RS and all the highs and lows of the last few years of OLD. I was saying that it's all going pretty well and I feel finally like we are in a RS but the only time I feel a bit vulnerable is when he occasionally doesn't call when he says he will. We talk every day, usually at least once whilst he's working and then in the evening so we're rarely out of touch and never for a whole day. But my anxiety kicks in quite quickly and this naturally concerns me. I have been ghosted in the past and absolutely hated it, that feeling of waiting and wondering I find totally distracting. I had an episode of partial ghosting by Mr V back in January of last year, around the time of his late Mom's birthday and to a lesser degree again a few months ago over a financial situation. I have been trying to work out why I get so anxious if it looks like I am being ghosted. I guess with Mr V there is some form there. I have told him that if he needs a bit of headspace or having an off day then a simple text early doors to say that would be best. I work best with open and frequent communication. if something is wrong I would rather talk or at least acknowledge it. The reason I mention my friend is because her attitude is that Mr V keeping me on my toes is not a bad thing. My last proper RS was with a guy who was totally into me (but was hard work with my older DD). My friend's marriage is pretty messed up so I was wondering why she would think Mr V not being as into me ( as the last guy ) a good thing ?