Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I'm exactly the same as you @TheCatWithTheHat. NSA sex can be great fun and exciting and brilliant in the moment, but if there's no emotional connection I feel empty afterwards. It's such an intimate thing and you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and all that jazz and I don't really want to do that with someone I don't then want to spend more time with and chat to and laugh with and all those other, non-sex, things. Took me years (and lots of sex) to work that one out though.

I'm just on my journey of sexual discovery and it's fab, if you'll pardon the pun. I don't get the feels from sex either @ThisTooShallBe or I certainly haven't thus far. Was your point that Fab can be good for casual sex, discovering your sexuality and broadening your horizons if you don't get instant feels for someone by sleeping with them? If not then that is my point
There was an interesting program on C4 last night called Swingers if anyone wants a little insight. I haven't made it to a club yet but maybe when things have calmed down somewhat.

Thank you, @Heartbeats0708, yes that was my point entirely!

@Heartbeats0708
On my bucket list before I turned 40 was to go to a swingers club which I did in late 2019 with Mr K when we were just FWB.

It was really great and I will definitely go again although since Mr K and I became official we've agreed not to swing or go to clubs for a few years because I want to embrace our relationship and learn fully about each other first.

I actually have Killing Kittens on my to do list - though I expect not so easy for next year or so 🤔 I kind of think walking into a place with strangers who have all signed up for the same experience feels more authentic and easy than trying to negotiate other individuals

Interestingly Mr FF and I were both watching the channel 4 program last night (separately by chance) and were chatting about it and we both said we want to do it but as part of a loving relationship. It turned into us fantasising about a fantasy in a fantasy life...

That’s a good point @cravingthelook I think any exploring definitely has to be really boundaried and all
about mutual consent and respect. And involve people you’d be naturally attracted to anyway

I had a conversation with a Male friend who was on the edges of that scene and he said (just like all walks of life) there were a lot of unattractive weird predatory older guys looking for vulnerable women.

What is offputting is when there’s any vibe of coerciveness or one party doing it to please the other or keep their attention

Mr Sounds is stepping back a bit due to the lockdown and not feeling so great. I get that, but he was quiet and it took me sending a very straight up message to find out what was going on. I don't know what will happen in future or where it's going to go but I have told him I'm around if he wants to talk. But there goes my idea of a lockdown sex Buddy ffs.

There's a few FAB guys chatting to me. Another from up north who is lovely but no idea when we'd ever meet. Which is annoying.

A fellow North Easterner in Scotland who's straight forward and is calling tonight to plan a walk on Saturday.... I'll name him if the call goes ok.

Another who chats loads and seemed keen to meet today or tomorrow but is now saying w/c 18th Jan as he's off 🧐 ok whatever dude.

One that chatted with me before then nothing came of it ... he says he keen but he hasn't messaged for a couple of days.

One that meant to call last night ... but was 'working'. So I've archived the chat so he needs to step up if he is interested.

Then there's Mr FF that the chat is fun and light and the one I have most in common with

I got a few more messages this morning so I've hidden my profile as I feel a bit despondent.

I am just taking it one day at a time.

Yes @SleepyBunk I think that's where it gets frustrating because from these chats it's clear Mr FF and I have similar likes/interests/boundaries/fantasies.

Sorry for spamming the thread but I have to tell you about this ... if you are interested please watch the video but get a notepad or electronic notepad on your phone and follow the instructions. It is quite interesting so really do it without cheating. You might learn something about yourself and this will massively help your dating. If anyone is interested in my answers I can post tomorrow or PM.

I love Teal 😊

fb.watch/2JoLTljPB9/

@cravingthelook

Sounds very frustrating - do you think MrFF is one of those “enjoying the textual stuff but not in a place where he wants to have regular meets in person” types?

I have been enjoying a bit of heated messaging with MrMilitary but I don’t think it’s really something I want to do lots of if it’s not within a FTF dating context (I’ve been ill and had my deadlines and now the big lockdown is here - so no-ones fault but I want skin-on-skin contact and chat not lots of words on a screen!)

@cravingthelook is that Teal Swan? I ❤️her too! I'll take a look once dinner cooked, recycling dragged out etc. 👍

Wait what @cravingthelook MrSounds is stepping back? That's shock news. I thought he was up for being a lockdown bubble boy? What did he say if anything?

I've matched with a fair few new people over the past few days and all very chatty via text but usual story re questioning. It's a one way stream of them them then so I'm only now bothering to text back if they ask me questions (after my initial enquiries and interested questions of them) which they don't

Just MrYoung asks the Qs and is very chatty and inquisitive but still over half my age 😂😂😂😂

@SleepyBunk definitely not, he wants to meet but he lives 140 miles away! Which, as the whole of Scotland is on lockdown is just not conducive to meets.
In normal life the distance wouldn't have been an issue as he is usually here near where I live for his work a couple days every week, and I'd have been happy to go visit some weekends had it worked out.

He's just not travelling as usual (had been the back end of last year when things weren't as bad here). Lockdown means we just can't meet, there's zero options just now.

So we are friends and chatting, and based on him being an idiot just before Christmas I'm not going to change that, but if things settle and he starts travelling again then yes I'll meet him as I'd like to see if we really do connect as well as we think we would. I can't and won't wait for that to happen though - as it could be months away. He could be a dickhead, we might not like each other. So I'll keep in contact and we'll see what the future brings.

Ah life is a mind fuck eh!

Yeh that’s my current worry with lots of lockdown texting @cravingthelook - building up expectations which are then dashed on meeting, or which we can’t live up to

I’m just on survival messaging with my irons really as it seems more worthwhile putting energy into other aspects of my life

but also I know I can be a bit TOO introverted and closed and not take social risks and regret it. So it’s a balance really

@Ruralbliss yes, well he wasn't saying much and I asked if he wanted to come over this weekend and he said he wasn't feeling great.

After some straight up craving communication he said he's not sleeping and it's affecting him physically and he's reevaluating everything based on the new lockdown. I think it's anxiety from all the changes (furloughed then made redundant and knowing there is no job for you in a lockdown life in your chosen career (I know how hard it is for Dancer) must be a kicker).
I told him his reduced comms wasn't good he should have let me know as that made me anxious (he apologised) he says he's not chatting/seeing anyone else either but understand if I choose to. I left it with the affirmation that I do like him and want to be his friend and told him you know where I am if you want to talk.

It was a kind response but one that takes care of me too.

The swinging club comments are interesting - I did this with my long term partner a couple of years ago, only a couple of months before we broke up. It was something we'd spoken about ages before, but took us years to work through it in our heads, and get to a place where we felt comfortable doing it.

It was different (in a good way) to what I'd expected, having seen TV shows about it. I think it very much depends on the club you go to, but it's something I'd definitely consider again.

I've been bored at work, and have spent ages on Hinge. I've got around 15 matches over the last couple of days - of those one says she's looking to meet someone to make lockdown more bearable but I think I may have scared her away by saying I like to meet face to face quite quickly.

Out of interest, for anyone on Hinge as well - does it make much difference if a guy writes a comment vs just liking something?

Does anyone think that swinging clubs have had their day given all the covid stuff? I used to frequent one with my ex fwb and can't imagine going again purely for my health.

@Eesha

My prediction is certainly they’ll be shut up like the rest of society for a while -longer term maybe a certificate of a covid test before coming in might be the norm?

I’m resigned to just getting on with what I can control in terms of my life for the next year really (and dating possibly being slower paced than I’d desire )

so just thinking about things I “could” be doing rather than thinking it will happen this year

I’m wondering if National covid management is going to evolve into something like higher level flu management - any vulnerable people vaccinated as a priority and everything else as normal.

My age demographic is quite low risk anyway

When I was on Hinge for a while I ignored any likes without comments. It's too easy, therefore to me meaningless. Anyone who bothered to write actual words got a reply.

Anyone feeling cheesed off that now dating has come to a halt?! I know it's purely selfish but I'd been on 6 dates with Mr Brain and was starting to find a connection and now nothing.....

I get it prob more than most as I'm a frontline NHS worker but it doesn't stop the fact I feel cheated. All I seem to do is work, I need some enjoyment in my life!!

@Whoknows11 yes me too. What a shame about your iron. I've not really been bothering, what's the point.

cat wouldn't bother me if no convo if I liked the look of them!

@Whoknows11

there’s definitely a feeling of Ennui - usual post Xmas slump, weather and lockdown too!

And it seems planning trips for the spring is maybe a bit premature as well

It seems positive with MrBrain and tbh I don’t think you’ve got any option but to take things one day and one week at a time as you have done so far?

I’m personally finding with a couple of long distance irons and lockdown shit my urge to control/overthink/want to pin things down ASAP is going crazy!

But from my experience of 2020 just letting things pan out as they will (I don’t mean being totally passive in terms of contact, just trying not to get too invested in set outcomes?) is probably the way to play things till March?

Saying that someone invited me to chat...or something I didn't understand. They didn't say anything though, thought it was lazy whatever it was.