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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Great new partner... except in bed

95 replies

LionelMessy · 01/01/2021 17:16

Everything is idyllic with new partner
and last night we did the deed for first time but was a damp squib.

Can I just gloss over the sex and concentrate on all the positive parts of relationship?

Rather than replies "life too short for crap sex" instead could I read other opinions of people who remain happy despite not every area of a relationship being perfect?

I'm in late 40's and want to continue this relationship despite this sex blip.

OP posts:
Madeupwithit · 01/01/2021 17:18

It usually takes a good few months to get to know each other sexually - likes/dislikes, etc.

Can you be sure it won't improve?

What was so bad? General terms, not asking fir the gory details.

MummyDummyNow · 01/01/2021 17:19

It may have just been bad because it was the first time together. Maybe one or both of you were nervous? Give it another go, it might be better!

MMmomDD · 01/01/2021 17:19

You can of course continue the relationship as it’s your life and your choice.
You also do know that sex can improve and many men start of as not that great at thw first encounter and then massively improve as they relax and get to know the other person.
What specifically was the issue?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2021 17:20

I think you should give the sex aspect a bit more time before throwing in the towel. Perhaps you might need to be more assertive about what you want/need him to do.

JorisBonson · 01/01/2021 17:20

If I were you I'd put it down to first time nerves. Tmi, but DH couldn't get an erection the first time we had sex because he was so nervous, and it really was a blip.

FabbyMagic · 01/01/2021 17:21

It was only the first time?! What was so bad about it? Did something happen which means you think it’s going to be bad forever?

picklemewalnuts · 01/01/2021 17:21

Does what went wrong hint at other personality flaws? For example, did they take check in to make sure you were enjoying yourself?

If it's a technique/experience issue, that can improve or be worked around. If it's a race to his finish line or disliking each others' preferences, that's not so good.

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 17:22

OP can you explain what you mean... was it lack of maintaining erection ? or do you mean it was vanilla sex ? was it size ?

I'm just trying to work out .. if this would improve or it's something you can't get over long term... 🌺

yellowhighheels · 01/01/2021 17:22

first time can be a bit crap. Unless he was deliberately too rough, selfish or violent i would try again and if need be, be open about what you want before writing this off as a relationship with bad sex.

TreacleHart · 01/01/2021 17:24

Unless his ideas of sex were doing things you don't want to do , I'd give him the benefit of doubt and try a few more times before dumping him.
How about being more assertive into what does it for you and see if he takes the hint and ups his game ?

Palavah · 01/01/2021 17:24

Is the kissing good? Was it a performance, technique or attitude issue? The first 2 are addressable. The 3rd generally isn't.

pinkyredrose · 01/01/2021 17:26

I've tried to sustain a relationship where we got on fabulously but the sex was dire, literally no sexual chemistry. I was shocked as everything else was so great. Sadly it never improved, none of my efforts to show him what i liked, find out what he liked, try different things etc worked. I started to feel like he just didn't care enough to try and improve things.

We limped on for a good few months but eventually the awful sex made me feel so crap i had to end it. We're still friends but my god I'm so glad i ended it! I'd started dreading sex with him, it couldn't continue.

OP if you really would like it to work with this guy give it a few weeks and see if things improve. He could've had first time nerves.

Original poster
LionelMessy · 01/01/2021 17:29

Attentive, but kept wolf from the door for less than 20 seconds....

OP posts:
Madeupwithit · 01/01/2021 17:31

Could be nerves.

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 17:33

so he's selfish 🤔

PegasusReturns · 01/01/2021 17:35

I think judging on the first and only occasion is unhelpful, there could be a number of reasons why it wasn’t great so you need to give it a few weeks of sex if you’re otherwise into him.

But if it doesn’t improve (and I know you don’t want to hear this) life really is too short for bad sex. Sorry.

Sundance2741 · 01/01/2021 17:35

Talk to him about it.

Shoxfordian · 01/01/2021 17:35

Maybe you can show him what you like and encourage him or decide you can put up with shit sex just to have a boyfriend

MerryChristmasToYou · 01/01/2021 17:36

If it was the first time and it was over in a flash, it could be nerves.
If it still happens after many times, could a little pill help?

Is he satisfying you in non-PIV ways?

Palavah · 01/01/2021 17:37

Maybe he should have asked your opinion on the pedestrianisation of Norwich City centre.

fuzzymoon · 01/01/2021 17:38

That's your first time together. I expect he was a little wound up.
Poor bloke you can't judge him on one performance.
Give him time and talk about what you like. 🤷‍♀️

Respectabitch · 01/01/2021 17:39

@LionelMessy

Attentive, but kept wolf from the door for less than 20 seconds....
What did he say about it?

Did he get you off with hand or mouth instead/separately?

If so, it may have been a one off. If he made no efforts in that direction, well... That's a different ball game.

missmouse101 · 01/01/2021 17:40

But op, that's good surely? It's only the first time and he was probably incredibly aroused as he's mad keen on you. I'd take it as a compliment. In my experience it generally takes them longer and longer as time goes by and you get used to each other. I think it's very harsh to judge his enthusiasm like that.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 01/01/2021 17:41

Unless he can't kiss and had a micro penis I would give him another chance...

pog100 · 01/01/2021 17:42

Or so excited he couldn't contain himself. I'd vote for another chance after a mature chat. If he doesn't do mature chats, he doesn't get another chance.