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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Great new partner... except in bed

95 replies

LionelMessy · 01/01/2021 17:16

Everything is idyllic with new partner
and last night we did the deed for first time but was a damp squib.

Can I just gloss over the sex and concentrate on all the positive parts of relationship?

Rather than replies "life too short for crap sex" instead could I read other opinions of people who remain happy despite not every area of a relationship being perfect?

I'm in late 40's and want to continue this relationship despite this sex blip.

OP posts:
Redred2429 · 01/01/2021 18:27

The first couple of times with dp weren't great but it got better now totally happy

notalwaysalondoner · 01/01/2021 18:51

I’ve been very happy with my DH for 11 years and I would put my view of our sex life at 6/10. It’s fine but very vanilla and dull and has been for years. Luckily I orgasm easily. But I decided a while ago it was really the only issue in our relationship and that it’s not the be all and end all. DH seems happy with it but not very comfortable talking about changing things so I’ve somewhat given up on that front. But certainly I don’t think if you find someone really bad in bed it will all be ok, but if they’re just fine but not mind blowing then it isn’t a big deal (unless it is to you!).

10kaDay · 01/01/2021 18:52

Give him some time... if he’s attentive it’s a good sign he will ensure you are happy

As you mention it’s a new relationship... maybe it happened so fast as he hasn’t been with a woman recently and got a bit excited? I’d see how things are in a few weeks. I have sympathies for men... they are under more pressure to ‘perform’ than we are (well, in bed anyway)

SueDeNimm · 01/01/2021 19:00

I can see what you want to hear. The problem is there's bugger all people to tell you it because it's extremely rare to be ok with no sex life. It chips away at your self esteem etc and eventually the relationship fails. Maybe you feel at your age the menopause will hit and then you won't care? And maybe you won't. Well not as much as you could anyway.

But there's also a possibility he's addicted to poem and if he is how will you feel? Because the sex will vanish to nothing if he's not up for it now he's most definitely not improving. But I would t judge it on one session. You need to sleep with him at least three times to tell.

islockdownoveryet · 01/01/2021 19:02

Maybe he should have asked your opinion on the pedestrianisation of Norwich City centre.
Yes! And maybe get some chocolate mousse for next time...
You don't want to get chocolate moose on the valance. Grin

EyeDrops · 01/01/2021 19:10

The pedestrianisation of Norwich City Centre.... I feel like that's a callback to a thread I found absolutely hilarious, but can't remember for the life of me what??

I'd give him another chance or two OP, it may well be a first time issue.

TimetoHesitate · 01/01/2021 19:19

@LionelMessy said ... "Attentive, but kept wolf from the door for less than 20 seconds...." ... I misread that initially as 20 minutes!

As with the others I'd say he was just super in to you. You must be amazing :) I think you just need to get to know each other more, more often than not that takes some time, talking, showing, etc.

Mermaidwaves · 01/01/2021 19:24

@ @EyeDrops

Its Alan Partridge after his date with Jill at the owl sanctuary! Classic! Grin

MadameMonk · 01/01/2021 19:29

The key to this is what reaction he had to the ‘damp squibness’ of the event.

If he was somehow off his game in any/all the ways suggested on this thread, he’d surely mention it? Possibly even apologise? I’d certainly expect a replay would be suggested soon after, partly to prove the point!

If he seemed fine with it, or went with ‘that was lovely’, I’d conclude that he was normally a selfish or naive lover. That doesn’t augur well, does it?

20 seconds is a bit dire if there’s no (even lighthearted) mention of why or assurance it was unusual for him. Equally if he was embarrassed but just can’t bring it up, I’d be put off by that. Past the age of 20 you should be able to communicate quite a bit more openly and honestly about sex than that.

Firenight · 01/01/2021 19:37

Talk about it with him. I love a good post coital debrief.

Nunoftheother · 01/01/2021 19:57

A lot of men are very lazy and/or selfish in bed. Try to establish whether it was that, or first-time nerves.

Respectabitch · 01/01/2021 20:04

there's also a possibility he's addicted to poem

I could be well up for a man who's addicted to poems! Although declaiming them in the sack might be a bit much. (Hope he would be more of a sonnet man than a haiku.)

EmmaGrundyForPM · 01/01/2021 20:04

I agree with others, don't rule him out. Did he make sure you were ok? I think first time sex is usually a bit crap, you have to work at it.

TheWindowDonkey · 01/01/2021 20:13

After decades of marriage with a man like this who wouldn't ever seek help with the issue or work on other ways of making me come then i’d say proceed with caution! Its what destroyed things for me in the end. Life with crap sex is lonely, no matter how good everything else is.

category12 · 01/01/2021 20:15

Seriously, you resigned to a bad sex life with this perfect guy for the rest of your life and you've only had sex once?!

You must be having a laugh.

partyatthepalace · 01/01/2021 20:24

Did he pay you attention also?

If he was in and out with no apparent concern about you then obviously that would be terrible long term, but this could be nerves or being out of practice.

If he paid attention to you I’d give it a couple more goes before having a conversation so you see relaxed with each other. If he didn’t I’d give him some directions now.

But I think the sooner you can open a conv c what you both like the better.

It probably fixable so it’s at least good.

Runmybathforme · 01/01/2021 20:25

Sounds like he was over excited and nervous, give it time.

Sunflower1970 · 01/01/2021 20:26

Maybe the poor guy was excited and a bit nervous. I think i would give him a bit longer - takes a while to feel comfortable with a new partner x

SandyY2K · 01/01/2021 20:43

Give it another chance...perhaps he was nervous.

Sakurami · 01/01/2021 20:45

Give the guy a chance!! I wouldn't write him off just yet (or decide he is amazing after knowing him just a short while)

TDMN · 01/01/2021 20:51

Definitely dont speak to him about it until you've had another go! Although i echo the questions about did he sort you out anyway. A man with a sense of humour who can go 'oops, got too excited, let me make up for it' is a much better prospect than someone who does nothing then gets defensive and tense.

missbunnyrabbit · 01/01/2021 21:56

My current boyfriend couldn't get it up the first few times we had sex. Now he's always as hard as a rock. ;) You'd be mad to give up!

missmouse101 · 02/01/2021 19:09

So, did you decide to give him another chance, OP?

Wanderdust · 02/01/2021 19:15

First time nerves, happened to my DH! Give it time, it's never mind blowing the first time.

blubberball · 02/01/2021 19:20

My bf seemed very inexperienced the first time we had sex. But it just got better and better every time after that, as we got to know each other's bodies and turn ons. Now we have the best sex I've ever had. I don't think that you can judge on the first time.