An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I think about it every day and it eats me up inside. To begin with we were work friends, I enjoyed talking to him in general. However he asked what we were doing (in terms of being friends) and wore me down.

I am looking for other jobs, thankfully I have a long time before I have to go back, which gives me plenty of time to look.

I have no idea what was going through my mind when this all started. I constantly think about what happens if my husband found out but I keep getting drawn back in. I have the motivation but it's that sense of desperation. It's pathetic isn't it?

He phoned earlier but his number is blocked.

[quote Haybale35]@youvegottenminuteslynn I think about it every day and it eats me up inside. To begin with we were work friends, I enjoyed talking to him in general. However he asked what we were doing (in terms of being friends) and wore me down.

I am looking for other jobs, thankfully I have a long time before I have to go back, which gives me plenty of time to look.

I have no idea what was going through my mind when this all started. I constantly think about what happens if my husband found out but I keep getting drawn back in. I have the motivation but it's that sense of desperation. It's pathetic isn't it?

He phoned earlier but his number is blocked.[/quote]
It doesn't make sense to me especially with a little baby. Continuing it while pregnant is something baffling to be honest and I really feel for your husband.

If you've blocked him then you wouldn't be able to see he has called, so you haven't done it properly I don't think. You really need to do it on all platforms as this is a crisis point now.

You should be focusing on job hunting and your family not an arsehole who said 'so?' when you told him you were pregnant. An obvious question is whether you're 100% sure the baby isn't his?

@youvegottenminuteslynn I don't know why I continued it whilst pregnant. I have played it over 1000s of times and I cannot give myself an explanation. It is completely fucked up I know.

I definitely blocked him as my phone allows me to do so. The number unfortunately still appears on the calls list. Unless I am missing something?

It's definitely not his baby, 100%. I have been focusing on my family but as was pointed out earlier, he bread crumbs. That is not an excuse in anyway shape or form. I am not seeking forgiveness but the realism, which you are providing. I need this, I need to hear what a vile person he is.

All lines of communication have been stopped and he is blocked.

[quote Haybale35]@youvegottenminuteslynn I don't know why I continued it whilst pregnant. I have played it over 1000s of times and I cannot give myself an explanation. It is completely fucked up I know.

I definitely blocked him as my phone allows me to do so. The number unfortunately still appears on the calls list. Unless I am missing something?

It's definitely not his baby, 100%. I have been focusing on my family but as was pointed out earlier, he bread crumbs. That is not an excuse in anyway shape or form. I am not seeking forgiveness but the realism, which you are providing. I need this, I need to hear what a vile person he is.

All lines of communication have been stopped and he is blocked.[/quote]
You shouldn't receive any notifications of his calls if he is blocked. So I think you need to look into that and look online how to make sure you're following all the steps. He can't breadcrumb you if he can't contact you. You seem fixated on that (the breadcrumbing) being the cause of this continuing so then you should be sorted. I wonder if you still want him to breadcrumb you so it's not over? I can't think why as he sounds fucking gross - shagging a pregnant woman behind her husbands back is disgusting. Your behaviour was too of course. If you were sleeping with them both I'm not sure how you can be 100% who is the father as no contraception is 100% effective.

You say you want realism - you need to take ownership of your behaviour so far in order to take control of it moving forward. You've made a series of foolish and, to be frank, cruel decisions that have led to this point. You are an adult with responsibilities and perfectly capable of going no contact. If you feel you literally aren't capable of that then you need to seek some support for your mental health ASAP. If you feel you could but you're just finding it really difficult, imagine how much more difficult it would be to look your husband in the eye and tell him that you've been having an affair and while you were pregnant you were shagging the bloke involved. The latter seems a lot harder to me.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I've checked on it says the number will still appear in my calls list......I need to see if there is another way. I don't want him to breadcrumb me but you're right, I am fixated on it. I need to stop fixating on it and remind myself how gross this all is.

We did not have sex, more kissing etc.

Yes, it would be my world crashing in on me if I told my husband. I know I need to take control and stop lowering myself to act in a way that is pathetic, embarrassing and cruel. I am imagine if it was the other way round, doesn't bare thinking about.

Thank you for giving me the slap I need

@Haybale35 Is it an iPhone or Android? It doesn't sound right that if he calls, you can see at the time.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

It's an android....on the user website it says it will still appear 😣

[quote Haybale35]@youvegottenminuteslynn

It's an android....on the user website it says it will still appear 😣[/quote]
I think changing your number is sensible in that case. You don't sound resilient enough at this point to not respond to this vile man's breadcrumbing. You really do need to look into therapy too, the fact this all continued while you were pregnant - and that wasn't a big enough wake up call for you - is really worrying. I also still can't understand how you're so 100% sure the baby is your husband's.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

also still can't understand how you're so 100% sure the baby is your husband's.

Haybale said they didn't have sex, so that's how she's sure.

@Haybale35 I agree with with everything Lynn has said. Honestly affairs are hard/complicated/risky enough when there are feelings involved. But imagine losing your partner, time with your child etc if you split over a man who mocks and belittles you.

Please change your number and delete his. You might not feel better at first, but think ab out how you want to feel / where you want to be in a week/month/year

You will defo feel better by blocking him, find something else to fill that void.
You say things are good in your marriage so maybe shift your focus onto your dh. Have some date nights, play some games, reengage in your life.
Im still getting butterflies with my ap, and i think im questioning it so much now too as i know i habe to break up with my husband but im not doing it for my ap. so muddies the water. Clouds my head. Makes me unsure of everything im feeling. Even if i do want to break up with dh and that i know i have too but this makes it harder i cant explain
I will get hurt tho im sure of it. We all will ultimately thats wat playing with fire does i guess ?! 🤷🏼‍♀️

My phone is Android.

I have a number blocked on my phone and if I so happen to go to my calls list it will signify with a blue circle crossed out, that the number in question was calling but was obviously blocked so didn't actually ring through.

There is no other way around this on android. A blocked number will still appear as attempted to ring but phone automatically rejected.

[quote Affor]@youvegottenminuteslynn

also still can't understand how you're so 100% sure the baby is your husband's.

Haybale said they didn't have sex, so that's how she's sure.

@Haybale35 I agree with with everything Lynn has said. Honestly affairs are hard/complicated/risky enough when there are feelings involved. But imagine losing your partner, time with your child etc if you split over a man who mocks and belittles you.

Please change your number and delete his. You might not feel better at first, but think ab out how you want to feel / where you want to be in a week/month/year[/quote]
Ah right I didn't clock that they didn't have sex even before she was pregnant, i must have misunderstood and thought that while pregnant they kissed but not more.

I feel so bad for her husband who she said she loves. It's all so much risk for absolutely zero reward.

@Nickysofttouch

My phone is Android.

I have a number blocked on my phone and if I so happen to go to my calls list it will signify with a blue circle crossed out, that the number in question was calling but was obviously blocked so didn't actually ring through.

There is no other way around this on android. A blocked number will still appear as attempted to ring but phone automatically rejected.

@Haybale35 needs to get a new phone then, or change numbers. She doesn't trust herself not to reply to him when he breadcrumbs.

I have a question.

I don't and never have had an AP.

But would you all classify yourselves as 'above average' appearance wise or 'more attractive' than his wife? Are use younger, fitter, more motivated?
Just curious, not that looks matter.

@Nickysofttouch

I have a question.

I don't and never have had an AP.

But would you all classify yourselves as 'above average' appearance wise or 'more attractive' than his wife? Are use younger, fitter, more motivated?
Just curious, not that looks matter.

If looks don't matter why are you asking? I think there's studies out there that suggest the other woman can be less attractive than the wife over fifty per cent of the time. Certainly not in every circumstance but commonly enough. So maybe google it? I don't think an anonymous forum with subjective responses will answer your question accurately 😁

Wow. Hit a nerve there.

Was asking their opinions. Chill

Not at all. No nerves hit. I'm confused why you think there was? ( Not that I'm asking you or anything as I don't want to keep talking as you are VERY sensitive) I just don't see the value in asking a subjective question on an anonymous forum when there's actual studies out there on it. Especially a question that is putting a value on looks and might make an individual compare themselves to another unfavourably? What's the point in that?. Anyway. It's a forum. Calm down. People can respond how they like.

@Headisgone can I just ask why are you breaking up with your husband? Is it because things are not well or as a result of the affair? Are you breaking up to be with AP?
I have talked to my AP and he said it is not fair to sacrifice my own happiness so we don’t hurt other people, he says it is best to suffer as well because of the pain we have caused but in the long run be happy together with the person we love. I said I can’t really see how to leave and do that to my husband but I am willing to talk to him and see what his ideas are. We are going to remain talking but non romantically and when possible we will meet and discuss the future, then I suppose I will have to make the decision if I want to be with him or with my husband.

@Haybale35 - just tell your husband! How can you even contemplate having him deceived in this way? If you tell him you then you can persue this OM freely, and without all this angst and self doubt out. And your DH will be spared the greatest mistake of his life in believing you are someone you are not. Engaging in this affair while you are pregnant says there is no prospect of anything other than pain and suffering for your DH. You don't respect him enough to stop - that is your problem. Don't make it his by deceiving him. He can still be a father while having some chance of happiness with someone who's love is true. That can never be you.

In response to the OP about making better decisions to be happier, and as mentioned by a previous poster - a (former) friend was having an affair with a married man. Her absolute mortification at having to deal with an STI helped her sort out her feelings about him and decide to not risk repeating the experience.

She also spoke about her shame of people realising that her moral compass was “off” and that it wasn’t the sort of person she wanted to be. Or be seen to be.

@User2596 ive know for some time my marriage has been struggling (3ish years) and i even posted on here in july asking what to do as my husband was abusive i felt. So i got a marriage counselling but that didnt start til november. I met my ap late july/august (when i say met it was all remote and it was work) we hit it off straight away but i was at the lowest point in my marriage already half checked out. So its so very complicated. I feel like i love om but dont know if thats real. And we cant be together now anyway. Its complicated he isnt from the uk neither is his and his kids are here with them both. In anycass i wouldnt be leaving my dh to be with him but id like to think there would be a future somewhere even though there prob never will the feelings that he says he feels do feel very real amd i never douted him before xmas so idk

@Headisgone so you're lying your way through counselling? Wow! I think it's not only a waste of money but also - letting someone else spill their guts while your being so dishonest- why?

Because maybe my marriage can be saved. However ridiculous that sounds. I need to know im trying. And im not lying in the sessions all the other shit with my dh has nothing to do with the om. And there is a lot in our rship that needs work. But i dont know if some of it is recoverable thats why im half checked out we have young kids and i dont want them to think this rship is normal when my husband can have tantrums worse than my 7 yr old.
So its complicated. Im not saying im right and indo sometimes feel horrible and guilty i used to think people who have affairs were absolutely scum so I understand where ur coming from too. I dont know where this came from, how my feelings seemed to become so big so quickly it totally overwhelmed me but i cant turn back the time and i could choose to end it now but i am struggling to do that because he makes me feel good in my otherwise shiity life inguess

@Headisgone - so you've said "think im questioning it so much now too as i know i habe to break up with my husband but im not doing it for my ap"
If you think your feelings in and about your marriage are not affected by your affair - which is taking up ALL your emotional energy and investment- you are delusional. And yes - it is lying im afraid. I don't know if your husband is abusive- I'm afraid I didn't read your thread. But what you are doing now would destroy the average person - it's gaslighting to discuss 'how you communicate' or 'what feelings exist' or whatever - when every ounce of your interest and affection is elsewhere.
Imagine explaining to your next partner how you put your last partner through relationship counselling to address his behavior in the relationship...while you were having an affair!!
Honestly OP - perhaps you are in need of individual counselling first yourself? Because there is nowhere that this is ok and you know this.
FWIW - I think you are over investing in your AP - and although these feelings can be overwhelming they are more to do with you than him.

@Headisgone

Beyond cruel.
You don't even know what your doing do you?
If your councillor knew the facts, she would end these joint sessions.

How could you ever expect to repair your marriage.
It's a farce.
Your poor husband what a mug you are taking him for.

I expect your Ap knows about this councelling with your husband ?