An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

I was debating whether or not to post as my situation is different to that of other posters.

I do not have feelings for my AP but for some reason I act desperate to talk to him. I tried to go NC a few months back and thought I had done it but he managed to weasel his way back in.

He is a work colleague, I have helped him with numerous pieces of work, which have benefitted him. I have received nothing for doing it. He also will not speak to me even about work stuff if his wife is at home....he called me his 'dirty little secret'......so disgusting.

Today he rang (will do so when he is alone) and started taking the piss after I questioned what he was doing (last week he decided to send rude messages the today said he was being good). I tried to defend myself and he said I was being pissy.

It is like dealing with a teenage boy but for some stupid reason I cannot stop. He text me this evening asking if I could bake him a cake. I replied saying I was getting the shit end of a deal (doing more work for him etc) and had no response.

I need you all to stop me behaving like this. I am ashamed as a mum and a wife tjsy I am acting like this. I want to be able to tell this guy to basically fuck off but I just cannot seem to (pathetic I know)

@Haybale35 hi there. What do you think it is that makes you respond? Is it the excitement? The attention you're getting? Does he say things that make you feel good?

@Scorpiogirl123 I think it is purely the attention as he does not say anything that makes me feel good (he likes to as he puts it 'playfully insult me'). I am not sleep sure why I like the attention as he is not attractive, I don't fancy him (in fact I really dislike him) and he treats me like crap even though the work I have done for him means he can progress.

Theres definitely something to do with the attention especially when you are not happy in your marriage. Was there a point where u did feel attracted to him?

@headisgone I am not unhappy in my marriage, that's the thing. We have 2 young children and I have no reason to be unhappy. For me it was the illusion of having someone chase me if that makes sense. However now it's like an addiction but it's me who is suffering for it. He messaged last night asking me if I could make him a cake.....I just questioned what I am doing there and then. I think he is also talking to other women as he has turned off his status on Facebook messenger. We said from the very beginning that we would discuss the situation, every time I have tried he tells me to shut up as he finds it boring when I go serious. And yet yesterday he said he was trying to be good (after phoning me 3 times and asking if I was in a piss).

@Haybale35

Sorry it's hard to understand - are you helping with work etc and having an emotional affair or is this a physical affair too?

He sounds vile.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I don't know what it is to be honest. It was physical, that stopped but we still speak nearly every day.

I am helping with work, I wrote an assignment for him, which he got a very good grade for. He is now expecting me to do other bits for him.

I don't know whether to just block completely without a trace or tell him how vile he is. He is older than me and yet acts so immature

It probably makes you feel young and desirable again.
He doesn't sound nice at all though. I'd really try not responding to his messages as best you can. You will gain some self esteem back

@scorpiogirl123 I think it is, that feeling that someone else thinks you're attractive.
He is not a nice person, he is selfish and doesn't think about anyone but himself.

I always text him first, I need to train myself not too. I haven't text him so far today. Why do I feel upset though as I know he won't text me? It's as though I act all desperate and he gives me enough to make me want to keep in contact. I don't want to be that person.

[quote Haybale35]@scorpiogirl123 I think it is, that feeling that someone else thinks you're attractive.
He is not a nice person, he is selfish and doesn't think about anyone but himself.

I always text him first, I need to train myself not too. I haven't text him so far today. Why do I feel upset though as I know he won't text me? It's as though I act all desperate and he gives me enough to make me want to keep in contact. I don't want to be that person.[/quote]
It sounds like it's morphed into an almost abusive relationship the way you speak about it. The dynamic has made you desperate for his attention and your clawing for it when he's not really bothered unless you're doing him favours.

This sounds harsh but I think you need to acknowledge properly how humiliating that is. He's 'meh' about you, while you're obsessing over him.

You have a partner and children I think you said? Imagine losing your partner and losing time with your children due to a split, over a man who doesn't give a fuck and just uses you. When I say 'imagine...' I don't mean that flippantly. Really imagine what that would look like and feel like for you. What's at stake. If that isn't enough to stop you I'm not sure what is.

Do you work together? If so you need to look for a new job.

If you don't work together then tell him today that you don't want any more contact at all and then block him. If you work together tell him today you don't want any contact unless absolutely necessary for work and if you use a personal phone with him then block him on that and only communicate through work email.

Seriously, don't put your family life at stake for someone who wants you to do their work and bake them a fucking cake but isn't willing to even be nice to you!! You shouldn't be having an affair anyway obviously but to do it with this guy is madness.

I would also invest in some counselling for yourself, to speak openly about this situation to someone and investigate why you've allowed this dynamic to continue. They won't judge, they will help you. Otherwise you're at risk of continuing it and / or repeating it with someone else.

Why do I feel upset though as I know he won't text me? It's as though I act all desperate and he gives me enough to make me want to keep in contact. I don't want to be that person.

Google breadcrumbing, it's that.

@youvegottenminuteslynn you are absolutely right. It's like I crave his attention and feel that by doing his work or by texting him, he will give me it. In reality he really does not give a fuck and only wants me to do his work for him. It is humiliating and I constantly question myself on what I am doing. This is not me at all, I've turned into this pathetic character.

I would lose everything if anyone ever found out. That's the only thing keeping me from bursting into tears at home and gi ING the game away.

Thankfully I am off work at the moment (maternity leave) so do not need to contact him. I told him previously i wanted no contact and he just mocked me until I relented. I think not texting him or replying if he eventually texts for his work will be enough for him to realise. I've blocked his work number as well.

I am not sure about counselling as my oh is working from home so it would be difficult to have an open conversation. I don't even know where to look to find someone. I feel like a mug who has been walked over. I need to absolutely rise above it and tell the AP to fuck off.

@Haybale35

If you're on mat leave now then I'm assuming that means some of your physical affair was while you were TTC with your husband and / or when you were pregnant?

So you have a new baby and this man is still humiliating you by asking you to do shit like bake him a cake...?

You need to block completely on everything. You have nothing to gain but everything to gain by maintaining contact.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yeap when I was pregnant, makes me fucking cringe thinking about it.

He phoned me about work stuff the day after I had an emergency c section....writing that down makes me realise even more what a prick he is.

Perhaps you almost feel you deserve the abuse from this om as you mentioned it was physical before? But if you are happy in your marriage otherwise you need to block this man. See out your maternity leave and hopefully by then you will be in a better headspace.

My marriage is a disaster zone right now, im not speaking to my of my friends in rl about it but something about that destruction is making me crave the warmth from my ap. im trying to act very cool about it and im still hearing from him daily but im almost questioning whether i feel its as much his support i need to get me through thid period
He makes me feel stronger. I hate not hearing from him tho, i havent yet today and he is my boss im working for him today and this might have been the case before but i was never so heavily invested in wanting to talk to him all the time now i feel he lets me escape. After all its not rl.

@Headisgone I have no idea to be honest, I cannot seem to let go (I keep checking my messages just in case he had messaged) even though I absolutely need to. I think its that thought of if he doesn't text me, clearly I was being used so I need to text him. It is completely mucked up.

That must be hard working for him as well? What is your marriage like? Do you think it is an escape as its something different?

Yes. My marriage is awful. My husband is aggressive and going through depression also and we are having marrige conselling so its all very intense. And has been since before i met this other which was august but straight away there was something and it has been remote working mostly
Im working for him as an “extra” job during covid so i could easily quit but dont want to but i need to talk to him about work but i dont want to contact him so its hard and he was very intense prior to xmas when his wife starting go mad about him having an affair so i get the limited contact but he could make more effort althou he is still telling me he loves me and that i am beautiful it just feels im fishing for it a bit more than i was but yes he is a welcome distraction and whilst im very into him im not sure it woule ever work in the real world

But like u i want to know he wants ne. I crave the attention from him

I am the same with that feeling. I want to know my AP wants me. The thought of him getting over me really upsets me.
Why do we want to feel wanted to by them??

[quote Haybale35]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yeap when I was pregnant, makes me fucking cringe thinking about it.

He phoned me about work stuff the day after I had an emergency c section....writing that down makes me realise even more what a prick he is.[/quote]
I can't lie that is grim, your poor husband would be devastated. Surely the thought of him finding out you were having sex with another man while pregnant is enough to stop talking to this vile man?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

It is grim isn't it, I remember telling him I was pregnant and he just said so. Makes me feel sick. He's has 2 previous affairs as well so have previous for it. I am such an idiot.

@Scorpiogirl123

I feel pathetic thinking like that, it's like if he stops messaging it shows I was just another notch for him. At the same time I don't want to engage anymore with him. It's so mucked up.

@headisgone that sounds really difficult for you, especially as your husband acts in that way. I can understand why you like the distraction. Do you think the AP means it when he says he loves you? I think once they know you crave the attention, they can wrap you around their finger and get you to do what ever they want. It's such a crap place to be

A good friend of mine went through a very rough few years with her husband, who had an affair with a woman who claimed to be beaten up by her husband.
They met at a London hotel every few weeks for a couple of years when the husband was in town for work.
The husband fessed up quite soon after and was most remorseful etc.
In his own mind, he had christened his AP 'The Hamster', (for her chubby face and somewhat nibbling tendencies). He was also complaining that the Hamster had a bit of a wizard's sleeve and saggy tits, but was hoppity and enthusiastic in the sack, so the poor lamb was kind enough to overlook the deficiencies.
The gall of some men. The AP was most likely in love with the bastard and had no idea that she was the butt of his jokes to his mates all along.
Sad world we live in.

[quote Haybale35]@youvegottenminuteslynn

It is grim isn't it, I remember telling him I was pregnant and he just said so. Makes me feel sick. He's has 2 previous affairs as well so have previous for it. I am such an idiot.

@Scorpiogirl123

I feel pathetic thinking like that, it's like if he stops messaging it shows I was just another notch for him. At the same time I don't want to engage anymore with him. It's so mucked up.

@headisgone that sounds really difficult for you, especially as your husband acts in that way. I can understand why you like the distraction. Do you think the AP means it when he says he loves you? I think once they know you crave the attention, they can wrap you around their finger and get you to do what ever they want. It's such a crap place to be[/quote]
Did you see the other bit of my post? I'm curious as to why thinking about how your husband would feel / will feel if / when he finds out you were having sex with someone else while pregnant with his baby isn't enough for you to cut contact with this man entirely - particularly as being on mat leave is the ideal time to do this. You need to be looking for new jobs. And you need counselling. The fact you continued this while pregnant is really troubling especially as he's done this before - you risked your sexual health and that of your husband for a vile bully. You sound like you're still in a headspace where you want / need to focus all your attention on him. When that's happening cant you picture your husbands face when he finds out? Isn't that motivation enough to stop completely?

That was to @Haybale35

@Haybale35 before xmas yes. Everything felt very right and very natural. Now im very conscious about messaging him. He did just call now to say hi im just doubting it and him becuase he seems less persistent with me that before xmas altho has told me last week when we went for a walk he loved me i just wish he messaged me more !