An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

Maybe i dont know what i am doing but i also need to find a wa to better communicate with my husband. And the mc was agreed and arranged before things escalated with om but thebbwe had to wait for a session. Im not so invested in ap that i dont want to help my husband or my marriage if it can be saved that would be my priority i just am not sure it can be and in that time this has all escalated with ap and ive felt out of control almost

@Headisgone

I only joined to say this.

I have been your husband so I am obviously going to offer bias in what I'm going to say but I have spent years trying to come to terms with the gaslighting that went along with the affair. It is really, really damaging to do that to someone else. It is abusive. You are currently abusing your husband. And I'm sorry but your head being all over the place is not an excuse for abuse. To me you sound like one of those partners who just lose it, take their stress out on their partner and then blame the victim. If your relationship is so bad that you need your AP to get through the day then leave your relationship. Or at least take a break from it , you cannot continue MC unless you're going to be honest about it either. You can't partly check out of a relationship, you're either in or you are out.

I can't believe the people who are using this thread to justify abusive behaviour. There is something deeply wrong with that.

Thanks for your comments. My husband screams shouts at me and the kids. Thats not me playing a victim those are the facts, and if you asked my kids or his friends they would say the same. Im invested in helping him manage his anger. I dont need the other man to get me through a day but his interactions make me feel happier yes. This is a thread about having an ap and this is my story. Im confused i have been with my husband a long time, and i never thought i was capable of having frelings for anyone else let alone what this shit show has become.
I want to leave my husband but im scared. I wish i hadnt met om.

@Headisgone

I'm sorry but I'm not talking to your husband. If his behaviour is unbearable then leave. But you are instead being abusive to him and justifying it. You are reading the abusers handbook "but it's not my fault, I'm being pushed into it".

This isn't a thread about having an affair partner. This is a thread about leaving that situation one way or another. The thread is called an AP free 2021.

His behaviour is unbareable but its not that simple. And it is my fault im having an affair i made the decision for it to cross a line. Im not blaming my husband for that. And yes i want to get over and not think about my ap.
I need to be without either of them.

To be quite honest to everyone slating @headisgone..... whats happening is wrong, yes, but you are all wrong for having any sort of AP.

No one here is right, you are all wrong. Just because her story is different doesn't make it any more appalling than all the other stories. No one knows her situation really.

@Nickysofttouch the people having a go aren't members of the thread (I don't think)

Shall we all get back to helping each other with ideas of how to move on from AP? Words of encouragement etc?

@Nickysofttouch thanks. This is all wrong. All
Of us as you say. My husband is broken but i still love him and dont want him to be in pain which i realise if he ever found out would cause pain. Affairs are wrong simple as. But once
Your in them its als not that easy to just swtich off what you found

Also @Headisgone what worries me is that if your husband is abusive and aggressive then having an affair seems like something that could trigger his behaviour to spiral, maybe even to violence if he's already screaming in your face. So there is extra risk being added by having the affair, which is madness. You need to go NC with your AP and decide if you are going to leave your husband. If he is abusive you should and you should make steps to do so safely. Being involved with AP when with someone abusive and aggressive is dangerous.

@Affor how are things for you this week

Is anyone's AP a past bf? I was wondering if that makes it harder to cut contact and there's a deeper connection/history there maybe?

@Scorpiogirl123

Is anyone's AP a past bf? I was wondering if that makes it harder to cut contact and there's a deeper connection/history there maybe?

Been lurking on here for a while now, knowing I’m going to have to join it sooner rather than later.

My AP is an ex from 12 years ago. I’d been single for a couple of years, he’d just left his DW, so we were both in very different places emotionally, that was the reason I ended it with him.

But I was completely in love with him, there were sparks between us unlike anything I’d ever experienced and a real connection. Sex was amazing. But he obviously wasn’t ready for commitment and needed to be single as he’d just come out of an abusive marriage. I was heartbroken for a couple of years, and had to resist massive temptation to contact him, although I thought about him probably every day.

Tried OLD and met a really nice guy, lasted a few weeks but it didn’t work for me cos it wasn’t HIM.

Resigned myself to being single for the foreseeable future when out of the blue I met up with someone from my early twenties (we’re late 40’s now). So, we really clicked and we’ve been together since then (about 6 years now). He’s so lovely and I really do love him, we have a good sex life.

Sorry this is so long. So about 4 years ago first guy contacted me on FB, we messaged a few times then I realised things we’re getting a bit inappropriate- meaning I wouldn’t be comfortable if DP read them - so I deleted my FB account to eliminate any further temptation.

So to last October, I hadn’t thought about him for months when a nice memory of him came back to me made me smile to myself, but felt a bit guilty as DP was staying over (we don’t live together). Two nights later I got a WhatsApp message from him. I was really shocked, or stunned maybe a better word. We had a short conversation then and continued to message each other more or less daily, just catching up, nothing untoward. We met up f2f 2 weeks later and the sparks were there just exactly the same as all those years ago.

He’s with someone and so am I and I know it’s not going anywhere apart from heartbreak all round. But it’s HIM. I tried ignoring his messages for a couple of days as a precursor to telling him to stop what we’re doing, but I felt sick and distraught at the prospect of not seeing him again.

As I said before, I do love my DP and we have a lovely future planned together. I’m running the risk of ruining everything and I can’t seem to stop myself.

I know people say you can’t love two people at the same time, but I really think you can.

I also know from reading this thread that the only sensible and honest thing to do is to tell him we’re not doing this any more and block him, but the thought makes me feel physically sick.

I need to find it from somewhere.

@12yearsago

I know people say you can’t love two people at the same time, but I really think you can.

You can only properly, truly respect one of them at a time though. And that can't be the one being lied to and cheated on, can it?

@Headisgone

Pretty horrendous, but thank you for asking. Background of mine is married boss, known 5 years, affair started last Feb then ended in July due to impending birth of his child. Started again in November. He told me summer he had loved me in affair one. I told him in November I still loved him, he asked for time over Christmas to figure it all out.

Today
AP has just left and I don't think I'll see him again. We had not seen each other in a month due to xmas etc, during which time contact was sometimes sporadic or he went off grid to 'think' or 'process'. He came over today and we talked a lot, he seemed quite positive about where he had gotten to and I made it clear I wasn't having a relationship where someone chose not to talk to me for chunks of time.

I thought we had resolved it all and proceeded to spend the rest of the day together. Then I asked him if in his thinking time he had figured out how he felt, and he said no. I offered the thought that if he didn't know by now, maybe that was the answer. And he agreed. Said he's not sure he'll get there (in love).

Honestly I was floored. A week ago he was talking about if we would want to have children. An hour before we were discussing what life would be like, where we could live, how to prioritise his children etc. Then suddenly he's not sure he'll ever love me?

So I told him to leave, had a massive cry and have now turned my phone off so I can concentrate on all the work I've missed today and put some effort into my dream job which I have been neglecting for him.

I'm equal parts shocked, devastated and humiliated. So that's fun.

I think the only thing separating your affairs from very ordinary although rather adolescent relationships, that we are nearly all familiar with - is the deceit, lies and betrayals involved.
All of you are experiencing what .ost of us recognise when we were teenagers. And this fantasy world you inhabit with your APs - where there are no children or families or commitments - just the two of you and 'longing' is not exactly what this thread was labelled. You are telling us your pain of separation, your inner conflicts - its all because you are cheating lying gaslighting and abusing the trust of others.

The simple solution to all this immature craving is to be honest - tell your partners what's going on and build a more authentic life. You say it's not easy - but what you ALL mean is that it's not convenient - and of course you don't have to face the reality of your responsibilities and the adult things that get in the way.
You are nowhere near ' AP free' and feeding each others aching hearts with 'isn't it so difficult' will not help any of you.
Why not recognise that you aren't going to get happy ever after without being true to who you are to the world - confess, move out, take the fallout and move on to grow find what you actually desire. You get ONE life. Live it with some authenticity maybe?

@Affor sending strength to you. And @seadad you are right. Marriages are hard to leave without having an affair though arent they? I think this thread is also to warn others who think its a bit of fun at first and innocent that it could very quickly escalate.
And im not sure honesty is always the best policy either. Leaving my husband and telling him i had an affair wont help him. Might make me feel less guilty but i should prob have to live with that pain and guilt regardless

@Affor - you can leave out the gory details. If you fear violence then leave first - but otherwise- its been said - and I think very true - that infidelity ends a relationship based on fidelity - and whether your next relationship is with the same person or a different person - it has to be a new relationship based on honesty- what else is there?

We crave connection - and when we don't have someone we seek out someone. But that doesn't mean we have to have someone else to go to before we leave - its often a recipe for disaster anyway.

So like an absolute fool I messaged him. And the usual happened . He was vile. Dismissive . Says he never loved me he just said it. Oh we can be platonic friends though that's fine it would be a shame to Chuck it all away. So I test my theory and drip drip drip the suggestion of just sex . And he thinks that would be a good idea
I have finally seen the light
He really is a horrible selfish pig

I am reading all this pain, uncertainty and potential destruction with an understanding ear.

Although I am single I was in the midst of this push-me pull-you dynamic for two and a half years. I was addicted and the MM was (is) too. It seemed impossible to extract myself from all those feelings however much my head told me to 'run like the wind'. For months I was like a boomberang. It was exhausting. Strangely, the MM never pushed me away or backed off. But he had so little to offer in terms of time and his actions rarely reflected his words.

I haven't had any physical contact with him since July. I have resisted all of his plaintive calls since. Interestingly, I chose to stop alcohol at the same time. I never drank much (a glass of wine in the evening) but I just needed to quit. I haven't craved a drop of alcohol since summer. Not one second. However it took me a lot longer to stop craving him however bad this relationship was for so many reasons.

Although I'm aware that all addicts remain addicts once the tempation has gone I am utterly relieved to acknowledge that I am free of him. I don't crave him, I don't miss him, I don't think of him first when I have something of importance to share. The relief is huge. Even during the loneliness of lockdown I don't want to talk to him.

I know all our stories are very different. I hope you will feel the same lightness of being detached, of being free one day. It has taken me a long time but I'm very grateful.

Giving u a handhold @Affor 💐 i mean he was jepordising so much i cant believe that it wasnt real for him as it was for you but for whatever reason he is now distancing himself to protect his marriage perhaps but whatever happens you need to protect yourself. We are here is you need to rant or vent instead of message him and stay strong its hard its such a rollercoaster xx

The suggestion for anyone trying to stop contact to change your phone number was a good one.

@affor - I think you're going off at the deep end - I hadn't checked every back story and some have mentioned abusive partners - so didn't want to suggest something that could end badly - depending on your DH - it was entirely genuine and you'll see upthread someone else said to beware if they thought DH could be violent. But if what you say is true - 'only man you've ever loved' then own it and stop your duplicity and be true to yourself (I think you'll find it's not so perfect but thats for you to discover). If your DH isn't likely to respond in that way ....TELL HIM!