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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An APfree 2021

599 replies

Affor · 31/12/2020 16:50

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

OP posts:
Headisgone · 08/01/2021 14:37

Haha i thought the same. Im about to see my
Ap its been three weeks and i convinced myself he is gonna cancel. I think i prefer to think about him becuase it takes me away from making the necessary steps with my husband. I cant eat or sleep

User2596 · 08/01/2021 15:23

Lol I didn’t even realise the typo! But perhaps wine could also help Grin.
Good luck with AP @Headisgone don’t forget to take care of yourself. Flowers

Headisgone · 09/01/2021 09:12

I know its wrong but when im with ap i feel happy. Ive also got to the point where i dont really like my husband and how manipulative he is in this whole situation. Last week he told me he was suicidal and depressed but refuses to go dr take pills etc. He has always been agressive, this almost seems like his excuse
I appreciate this is meant to be an ap free thread but not sure where else i would get support. Everything felt normal again with ap, he is stressed that his wife thinks he is having an affair (so he says) but the messaging has been so limited (still daily but less and generic not stuff like i miss you) i want to know if thats normal i guess? When yesterday he is still saying that he loves me??

EpochTime · 09/01/2021 10:28

@Headisgone

I know its wrong but when im with ap i feel happy. Ive also got to the point where i dont really like my husband and how manipulative he is in this whole situation. Last week he told me he was suicidal and depressed but refuses to go dr take pills etc. He has always been agressive, this almost seems like his excuse I appreciate this is meant to be an ap free thread but not sure where else i would get support. Everything felt normal again with ap, he is stressed that his wife thinks he is having an affair (so he says) but the messaging has been so limited (still daily but less and generic not stuff like i miss you) i want to know if thats normal i guess? When yesterday he is still saying that he loves me??
Is it normal for there to be a different tone to the messages, do you mean? If his wife thinks he is having an affair I would think that it would be entirely normal for him to text you generic stuff, because he knows his wife is likely to try to read his texts whenever she gets the chance. It sounds as if he's playing you if he said as recently as yesterday that he loves you. Why hasn't he left yet?
Headisgone · 09/01/2021 10:34

Its complicated and he isnt from the uk neither is his wife. He is scared she will take his kids. I dont think its that easy to just leave.
Yes the messages are generic or just silence like yesterday i didnt hear from him after i saw him, beofre xmas that wouldnt have happened. And whilst he isnt one of those men with his phone on him all the time infeel he could go to the loo send a text and and then delete it. Maybe im being too needy. Its just a shift from before.

EpochTime · 09/01/2021 10:57

If you think about it, @Headisgone, if he is telling the truth about his wife being suspicious, imagine what he's experiencing now having two women being needy/nagging or however he interprets it.
It is my experience that men ultimately want an easy life so when things get more annoying and less exciting he may well draw back from you.
I know you probably think he is the only one you want and you don't want to read this, but I really hope you can meet a lovely non-married man with whom you can share your loving nature with.

Headisgone · 09/01/2021 11:52

Thanks you. Its so complicated before meeting him i just knew i needed to end things with my husband. The inbalance, the fighting the toxic nature of it all. I really didnt want to be with a man im very independent. This man is a breathe of fresh air. So different to anyone i have ever been with. Our worlds are so different and it would maybe never work in RL but he makes me feel amazing and its confusing to know if he is just here to make me make tracks and save myself and my children from my husband without being a real future.

Scorpiogirl123 · 09/01/2021 14:04

I'm feeling rubbish today.
We have tried to limit contact and have been doing well. He messaged the other day telling me all these nice things like he missed me and thought about me all the time.
Then this morning texts and say sorry if what he said was a bit below the line is had a bit to drink. Just made me feel so deflated - now I feel stupid for being happy when he was sending me those msg.

wetasstenalady · 09/01/2021 15:42

@Scorpiogirl123

I'm feeling rubbish today. We have tried to limit contact and have been doing well. He messaged the other day telling me all these nice things like he missed me and thought about me all the time. Then this morning texts and say sorry if what he said was a bit below the line is had a bit to drink. Just made me feel so deflated - now I feel stupid for being happy when he was sending me those msg.
At least he bothered i guess Still absolutely no contact from mine. It's apparently I'm totally forgettable and meant nothing
Headisgone · 09/01/2021 20:19

@wetasstenalady im
Sure its not as simple as that. But in all of our cases (mostly) we know we are better off focussing on ourselves 🤷🏼‍♀️ The distraction to our lives is not healthy. But im not aware of ur situation so sorry if that sounds harsh xx

Scorpiogirl123 · 09/01/2021 20:42

@Headisgone you're so right. I've felt like rubbish all today after messaging this morning

wetasstenalady · 09/01/2021 21:58

It's not so much that I still want him in my life it just hurts so much he doesn't care less whether I'm in his life or not. I know this was always the case but it's so much more apparent now 😩

AnotherVice · 09/01/2021 22:34

@Headisgone I have similar worries about contact at times but I'd imagine if his wife is suspicious, taking his phone in the loo is the kind of thing he's being careful to avoid.

Headisgone · 10/01/2021 12:09

I find it really hard with the linited contact. I just want to know he is thinking about me and it makes me think about him so much more so its harder to focus on being present in my actual life. My dh shouted and screamed around my kids how much he hated me and stormed out yesterday for hours. He is so broken i no longer know how to support him and i feel like a shitty person because of it. He has always been angry thats the problem. Now its being heightened and my rship with om is distancing me from this situation

wetasstenalady · 10/01/2021 12:16

Day 10 no contact.
I'm no longer obsessively checking my WhatsApp and social media to see if he's messaged me.
He hasn't made any attempt to contact me which while I know if for the best breaks me to know I'm so disposable.
Anyway I will no longer be posting on here anymore and will be totally drawing a line under it all knowing the man I fell for was just a pure illusion

Scorpiogirl123 · 11/01/2021 15:25

How is everyone?

DustyMuse · 11/01/2021 16:11

How are you Scorpiogirl123? Are you feeling better than last time you posted?

User2596 · 11/01/2021 16:32

Hello, not great to be honest, I feel I have taken two steps back again. I’ve been quite ill the last few days and in the middle of it ended up telling AP, we have been chatting but not about anything romantic. I keep thinking about him and what he said about timescales to leave his wife to be together, it is pointless now but I would have liked to know what his ‘plan’ is/was. He is such a big emotional support which makes all harder. Sad

Scorpiogirl123 · 11/01/2021 16:54

@DustyMuse hi, feeling a bit rubbish - was supposed to talk this morning (I know I shouldn't be) but then he said something had come up and he'd finished what he'd been doing so was back at home, but could we talk later in the week. Left me feeling like rubbish and so angry with myself for even agreeing to it! Almost like id opened myself up to being hurt again.

Scorpiogirl123 · 11/01/2021 16:57

@User2596 sorry to hear that. Did you end up asking him what his plans were?

User2596 · 11/01/2021 17:12

@Scorpiogirl123 I have not asked him... at least not yet.... will see how long I can resist, I keep pushing thoughts to the back of my mind and I know that keeping in touch with him will not help me at all to forget him! The vicious circle, hard to get out of it.

Scorpiogirl123 · 11/01/2021 18:05

@User2596 everyone has set backs. Uhhh feel rubbish today. It massively doesn't help we have zero distractions with being in lockdown!

AnotherVice · 11/01/2021 22:37

Well my AP has been asked to move out by his wife. Has all come about rather quickly since her suspicions over Christmas. My head is all over the place, we weren't quite ready for this. It's a step closer to us being together but he is sad and I am sad for him.

Original poster
Affor · 11/01/2021 23:24

anothervice are you ok?

To be honest that was always my worst nightmare. I was worried if he got caught that I'd never know if he would have chosen me or was I was just the making the best of a bad situation.

I have told AP tonight that I can't do this anymore. I'm just so tired of all the lies and arguing about time and trying to have a relationship after 9pm. My heart is broken and he hasn't even responded as he will be asleep.

OP posts:
AnotherVice · 11/01/2021 23:46

Yes I'm okay thank you but you're right, I never wanted to be the backup plan. Although his distancing from the marriage was his decision so it sort of has been his choice iyswim? It's just all getting a bit real now. We knew this was inevitable but it doesn't make the pain any easier to deal with.
@Affor how do you think your AP will respond? Will he be able to reply in the morning? I hope you manage to get some sleep.