An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

I don’t think I’m being conceited. Just honest. I didn’t choose to feel that way - and it was a shock to me to feel like that.

It’s still very raw - there’s a lot washing through my head at the moment. I’m hoping to rediscover a good life with my partner. He tried to throw me out twice last week so it’s not like he’s passive in this. And ultimately it’s up to him whether he can bear it /me.

@Alwaystheotherwoman I think that if your DH uspects - (and he must know things aren't right and there is something he cannot see?) then demanding to be caught is possibly the most viciously cruel thing you could do to him. There is no prospect of seeing him in the same light again. You wish him to be either a clown or suspicious guilt ridden and tortured as he secretly seeks to catch you out. Which of those do you want a @Livinglearning 's 'happy family' with? If you do force him to betray your trust- snoop and spy, he will never forgive you when the truth is revealed - and frankly he shouldn't should he?

In terms of ending the relationship- it’s easy to say but there’s so much at stake. The question is what is your tolerance level in a long marriage? Do you throw out everything because of a mistake it go you look at what you have and try to make gin gs work?
I don’t know.
One thing - i would never do it again. Never ever. The cost is so high. Emotionally I am not the same person and neither is my partner. We will never be the same again

My partner knows. It’s what we do next. But yes the trust is gone. So where do we go from here?

It’s brutally hard. I’m not asking for sympathy but it’s brutal being the bad one abd knowing you are responsible for all this heartbreak. It’s driven me to the very edge. And my partner.

I started running miles to punish myself. I ran 13 miles one morning. I’m not a runner. Tonight I’ll go another 10 abd be glad it hurts.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - I agree with you that this is at the very heart of the ethics of infidelity. It's one thing to succumb to temptation - but the deceit, the cunning, the gaslighting and the humiliation of the betrayed partner is what turns weakness into something far worse when it all comes out. It's mostly the deceit that can't be forgiven, rather than the infidelity.

@Livinglearning - you can not return to what you had now - and I'm sure the pain for all involved is excruciating right now. If your marriage stands any chance - then it can only be as a new and different relationship to the one you had - which has ended. It is a question of whether that new relationship is something worth building for both of you and where to start. Slowly I think?

My partner knows. It’s what we do next. But yes the trust is gone. So where do we go from here?

Does he know you're still talking regularly to your AP?

@Alwaystheotherwoman

I feel like I'm betraying my AP.
Your husband must know about this. Unless he's also playing away and chooses to ignor it.

Why would you want to stay with your husband, you must look at him and think he's pitiful.
Don't take this the wrong way but is your ap physically more attractive than your husband, or is it mainly a meeting of minds with you.?

Without trust there can be no real relationship.Every relationship (from partners to friends to acquaintances to the seller on ebay) is defined by trust. I think that's the tragedy of infidelity. Everyone understands temptation, vulnerability and lust. But an affair is more than a moment of weakness. For what its worth - the pain for the betrayed partner is invariably tenfold the pain for the cheater - because they might never trust in the same way again. They lose a precious naivety. I think its why many are quick to castigate cheaters on MN threads. Once the level of pain has been experienced, it can be something profound and life changing- so sparing others and calling out those that cause such pain is then very compelling.

@Alwaystheotherwoman - my advice is that honesty and truth is the only way out - because it is the deceit and double life that has caused you such pain.
You can always move on from truth - once spoken they are done - and you can begin to heal - where as lies become part of your future.

Am I strong enough to stop talking to AP. This is the absolute heart of it. And if I dig that deep into the darkness of it what I find is that right thing to do us end it with my partner even though he feels it will break him.
And yes it’s the gaslighting, deceit. He felt he was going mad the last few years and I treated him so badly.
That’s what we need to get over. Not the sex.

@Livinglearning

Am I strong enough to stop talking to AP. This is the absolute heart of it. And if I dig that deep into the darkness of it what I find is that right thing to do us end it with my partner even though he feels it will break him. And yes it’s the gaslighting, deceit. He felt he was going mad the last few years and I treated him so badly. That’s what we need to get over. Not the sex.

He felt he was going mad the last few years and I treated him so badly.

I honestly think that in your case it would be beneficial to both of you to end the marriage so your partner can meet someone to start afresh with. Being made to feel like you're going mental / paranoid is so, so damaging and being with you is a reminder of that time. Even if he doesn't want to split, you don't really want to be with him - so you should be kind and make the decision for both of you, to break up regardless of anything to do with your AP.

Does your partner know you're still speaking to your AP?

No he doesn’t know - but AP and I had done unfinished business. We both needed to hear from each other that there was no future and it’s over.

There is now no contact.
Abd im broken
But there are glimmers of something else - no more sneaking around waiting fir him to text. And that’s liberating.
I can focus on what to do next. Although that’s brutally hard.

You see - this thread is helping, it’s good to get other perspectives, it helps to get a grip

@Livinglearning

No he doesn’t know - but AP and I had done unfinished business. We both needed to hear from each other that there was no future and it’s over.

There is now no contact.
Abd im broken
But there are glimmers of something else - no more sneaking around waiting fir him to text. And that’s liberating.
I can focus on what to do next. Although that’s brutally hard.

No contact?

No contact? Upthread you said this:

The other thing is AP doesn’t want to lose me as a friend and we are still chatting. Maybe the relationship will move to just friends - but we talk to each other all the time. And I would miss him so much. And he says the same.

This is all present tense, from today. I think you're still lying to yourself and others about things related to your affair, which makes personal growth impossible.

It's terribly unkind to still be lying to your husband about contact, which has been frequent ("all the time") and emotional (saying you miss each other).

Sorry but at this point you are making a mug of him and still being deceptive to him - his head must be fucked poor bloke 😞

You are completely right. Although this did happen today as i realised that I was filling an emotional gap in his marriage and even texting as ‘friends’ meant I was still in that role and perpetuating things. And he was taking away my time and attention.
So now it’s done.

@Livinglearning
Can I ask what led to you telling your husband? Did he suspect/have solid evidence or you just needed to tell him?

Are you sure @Livinglearning? I honestly think that from what you have said today, you should end your marriage, regardless of what the other man says or doesn't say.

Don't keep your husband on the back burner any longer, poor man deserves better than that. Set him free to find someone who actually cherishes him for who he is, and use your freedom to work on yourself with therapy, to find out why you need this additional excitement in life.

@Livinglearning

You are completely right. Although this did happen today as i realised that I was filling an emotional gap in his marriage and even texting as ‘friends’ meant I was still in that role and perpetuating things. And he was taking away my time and attention. So now it’s done.

The language you use is really interesting and worth having a think about, along with how quick you were to change the narrative - that you were no contact then when challenged on that lie, saying you've done it now rather than acknowledging that your instinctive reaction was a lie. When in fact you talked "all the time" up until earlier today.

Language wise, it's as if things are happening to you, or at the absolute most that you are enabling others behaviour. For example your last post you say:

He was using you for emotional support
He was taking time and energy away from you

I think some solo counselling would be really beneficial. In reality, you need to take proper ownership. You liked feeling he still wants you at least in some way, so you actively spoke to him, you don't want to cut him out of your life, so you actively spoke to him, your fix of him was more of a priority than your husband and kids in that moment, so you actively spoke with him.

Please don't think I'm being combative for fun, I think being challenged to think about how we describe our own behaviour and how authentic we are being is really important.

IMO leaving your husband so he has the best chance of happiness, and having some serious solo counselling, as well as going totally no contact with this man, is what you should do.

Block him. Then he can't call you / text you. You are not passive or a victim in this, you have full agency over your own actions. Blocking him means you are taking control of what you can control.

Ugh. Your previous threads were removed for what is effectively stalking other people. This shouldn't be allowed to be hosted on MN. It's bordering on criminal what some of you are doing

I would have turned it into a space where people were supported , at least by me, in getting through difficult circumstances.

Hypocritical to say the least. The OP and others are supporting each other and being constantly derailed by the sanctimonious beratings of those who have never been in their shoes.

A previous poster spoke of the utter pain and devastation she had wreaked on her dh which she had been unprepared for. For me this is a good reason not to be honest about an affair. If you are planning on leaving a marriage anyway, why add this extra layer of pain? Better to end the marriage for whatever reasons caused the affair in the first place and leave with dh with a semblance of dignity still.

I've been in their shoes! When I was some daffy teen mooning about. You all sound like you quote John Keats constantly instead of speaking normally.

And the majority of it isn't support. It's stalking people.

@FelicityWhiskers - I really don't think you have been in their shoes as a 'daffy teen' - (or most of us have!) I think that's a bit trite - and the world needs more poetry!

What threads were removed? Who are we stalking?! So confused

Me too @Affor!