An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

Look, people are free to ignore my posts and they are free to report them but what you aren't free to do is censure them. My major issue with this thread is that it is misleading. I have called out someone's username because I believe it to be a disablist name and I didn't like it. My choice. I questioned another's IQ because of a poor comment/argument. Not my finest moment but again my choice.

I have made many comments talking about long term infidelity as emotional abuse. If this thread was truly about leaving that toxic cycle then I would have respected that and not commented. Leaving abuse behind is a very good thing. Talking about it continuing it is not. Certainly not on a thread about leaving affairs behind.

I don't think I have made any comments about individual affairs/ decisions. I'm not particularly interested in that.

I am not emotionally abusing people on this thread, it is laughable to suggest I have. I have barely even touched on personal circumstances of most. @Affor is responsible for this thread going so badly wrong so I have commented on her true agency but I didn't even comment on the circumstances of her affair.

@Sarahjanebaskins

If @Affor started the thread, with an ongoing affair that was still active, and now we are a few weeks later and she has removed herself from that situation (3.5 weeks in to 2021) does that still make the title and theme of the thread invalid? Because to me, it sounds like she's done exactly as per the title. She has been open and honest with people to share her experiences in hope to be able to help someone else and is now being subjected to your attack? No doubt many other people have found this thread useful in some form or another.

I don't know why you feel the need to troll people who are already going through a difficult time. Are you this so active and argumentative about everything? If so, can I direct you towards something more deserving of your time and effort?

@lostmymind20

@Affor was deep in her affair when this thread started. She only wanted it to end that situation by her mm leaving his wife. No judgement that's just fact. And then she left the thread when the affair ended. Which kind of proves my point. This thread isn't about supporting people leaving affairs, it's about supporting people continuing them. And I have an issue with that.

No, I'm fine with what I'm doing thanks and I am not a troll.

@Sarahjanebaskins
People aren't allowed to step away from updating random people on the internet when they're going through a hard time? They're not allowed to take that time to pull themselves together, process what's happened and how they're feeling? They have then returned with comments when the were ready.

Heaven forbid something affect you and prevent you from standing atop your pedestal and looking down on the rest of us, let alone providing incessant unhelpful comments.

I didn't leave the thread when the affair ended, I was just a bit busy being heartbroken.

And when I came back to talk about why I had left and how hard it was but the right decision, I got told to go away by other posters like you, who felt I shouldn't be talking about my feelings in a thread to support leaving.

@lostmymind20

Well, ignore my comments then? The irony is you are being judgemental and rude to me because you believe I am being judgemental and rude to people on this thread. My comments might be helpful to someone. I understand that they aren't going to be helpful for everyone but thankfully I am not a people pleaser and that's not an issue for me.

@Sarahjanebaskins

Anyway, I've said what I wanted to say. If you DO want this thread to be a place of support then I believe some real work needs to be done to do that.

And how we thank you for that 👏🏻

@Affor

That's not a fair representation of what I'm trying to say. I want this thread to be supportive when leaving affairs, every argument I have stated is with that premise. You say posters like me? So you aren't actually talking about me? I don't think I would have said that, especially as that is what I think this thread should be about?

But that's my point.

I do X on the thread I get told of by angry posters who aren't involved on the thread

I do Y on the thread I get told of by angry poster who aren't involved on the thread

All of which derails the thread, upsets a lot of people, takes a way space for us to get help and proves pointless.

So why not just please, please leave us alone.

@Affor

I'm sorry, but this is a public forum. You might have created this thread but you don't own it. Asking people to leave because you don't like what they have to say isn't how things work.

I made my point a while ago though, I will inevitably disappear, this isn't a vendetta. But there will always be someone else wanting to comment on this subject. Because this thread is toxic.

Well you’ve obviously had a productive afternoon setting us all right. Well done.

Hey how’s everyone doing? Has anyone managed NC since the new year. I managed nearly two weeks and caved and contacted him. He was pleased to hear from me but was surprised as the things I’d said were pretty final.

However now I’m kicking myself. I wish I’d stayed NC as nothing has really changed. It was just a moment of weakness and now I’m back to square one. Stupid thing is that I’m thinking I can’t keep messing him around like this, thinking of him rather than myself. He will never leave his wife. This weekend he’s working on his extension. It drives me crazy to think of him doing housey things with his wife. Whilst I’m at home with my family just wishing the time away. Always waiting for the next message from him. I can’t believe I’ve even got myself in this situation and even more so that I feel guilty for messing him around. He constantly messes me around or let’s me down on when he’s going to call etc. But we talk and it all feels better for a few hours and then I’m back to feeling the same way again

How do I get myself out of this cycle?

This thread should be for people who are embroiled in affairs to get support in leaving. It's pretty common knowledge that when you're in a situation that isn't making you happy all the time, it's not easy to just end it and move on. There is usually lots of back and forth until you finally make the break. So while there may be people on here going back to an affair, ultimately they want to get out of the situation. That's why they're here.
This thread should not be a place for wronged wives to flagellate OW. It's derailing the thread.

@Alwaystheotherwoman

Hey how’s everyone doing? Has anyone managed NC since the new year. I managed nearly two weeks and caved and contacted him. He was pleased to hear from me but was surprised as the things I’d said were pretty final.

However now I’m kicking myself. I wish I’d stayed NC as nothing has really changed. It was just a moment of weakness and now I’m back to square one. Stupid thing is that I’m thinking I can’t keep messing him around like this, thinking of him rather than myself. He will never leave his wife. This weekend he’s working on his extension. It drives me crazy to think of him doing housey things with his wife. Whilst I’m at home with my family just wishing the time away. Always waiting for the next message from him. I can’t believe I’ve even got myself in this situation and even more so that I feel guilty for messing him around. He constantly messes me around or let’s me down on when he’s going to call etc. But we talk and it all feels better for a few hours and then I’m back to feeling the same way again

How do I get myself out of this cycle?

You ask how you break the cycle.

Whilst I’m at home with my family just wishing the time away. Always waiting for the next message from him.

Stop doing this by doing fun stuff with your family. Enjoy them, create some positive memories for them, have a laugh, watch a film together and really be in the moment. You need to teach yourself to be present in the moment rather than having limerance.

It's done now, he's moving on and creating new memories and a new extension with his family.

Your home life can't compete with your limerance for any of the time you're not putting the effort into your home life. That needs to be your focus.

@Alwaystheotherwoman it sounds like you get a 'feel good hit' from being in contact, but then it inevitably goes back to you feeling wretched for days.
I understand it's hard but try and cut contact, you'll feel so much better in the long run.
Are you in a happy marriage?

youvegottenminuteslynn Scorpiogirl123

Thank you for your responses. It’s just easier said than done. I don’t know why I recontacted him this last time. I was doing pretty well and then in a mad moment I grovelled back to him.

I just don’t understand why I feel so guilty as I’ve broken up with him many times always for the same reasons. He cares for me, he doesn’t love me.

My marriage could be better but I am so distracted with my AP I barely think of it. He’s not abusive in any way. I don’t put in the effort as I’m always thinking about the AP.

Lockdown doesn’t help at all as we are all stuck in the house together. It’s hard to keep myself busy when I’m home all the time. Of course I have home schooling and cleaning etc to do but that’s got to be done. I don’t find I have things to do for myself to keep myself busy. I just end up scrolling through my phone all the time.

@Scorpiogirl123

and yes I definitely love the feel good hit. I’m
not unhappy with my marriage but when I got this attention from someone else I certainly didn’t turn it down. It’s just new and exciting. Not what you have in years of marriage.

I am very aware though that when we are together which has not been for about 3 months, I would feel a million dollars with him and then walk away and five minutes later I would question myself on why I’m doing this to myself and family.

It’s just that quick hit...

@Alwaystheotherwoman by waiting around for his scraps you are robbing yourself of a future. Putting your life on pause waiting to hear from you is robbing you of the present and precious time you won't get back with your kids

@Alwaystheotherwoman yeh I totally get it. Everyone says keep busy but obviously that's impossible atm.
How long has it been going on for?

@Alwaystheotherwoman - why not just confess to your DH? It will make things real for you, help you see how shallow this affair is and allow you to stop this pitiful addiction.
I remember giving up smoking - and read about a man who was told that his health was so bad that he could have no more than two cigarettes a day. He had to smoke outside - and so his whole day was spent waiting to smoke one half cigarette. And every evening he would be in his shed with a small pair of tweezers to grip the hot end of it, to get the very very last foul tasting butt end of the last half of his second cig I realised that cutting down would never work - I'd remain desperate and deprived and pitiful and obsessed like that poor old man.
I think you need to quit and live a better life.

This thread is heartbreaking to read. It makes me sad to think of some of you almost wishing your lives away, living for the next text or call from the other man, and being too distracted to become involved with your own families.

I would suggest turning off your phone and putting it in a drawer. Buy a cheap handset so your children and husband can contact you in emergencies.

Go cold turkey.

Delete all social media you're on, and throw yourself into doing things, making memories with your families NOW. Walks in the snow, baking cookies, watching a daft movie with the fire lit and hot chocolate in hand. Be romantic with your husband, give him a hug, make him a friend again.

Life isn't going to get immediately better but it will sure as hell stop it from getting worse. I am speaking from experience here.

@Livinglearning

I see a happy family life if I can free myself from AP. When DP found out I didn’t beg him to take me back. I was very calm. Like I was in shock. And all I could think about was AP. That’s what bothers me. That i will need to put my feelings away and get on with things. But maybe that’s what adults do.

The other thing is AP doesn’t want to lose me as a friend and we are still chatting. Maybe the relationship will move to just friends - but we talk to each other all the time. And I would miss him so much. And he says the same.

You say your ap will not leave his wife for you and he does not love you, only cares for you.

Why not leave the marriage , you are further damaging you husband by continuing the affair, even after he found out about you both.

Do you not think this cruel?

'When DP found out I didn't beg him to take me back" ... this sounds so conceited, and boastful. It's really is difficult to read.
Would you care if your husband had an affair?
Would it bother you.?

Your husband doesn't deserve this, nobody does, you're taking him for an idiot.

@wetasstenalady
I know it’s so true. I can’t get this time back with my children.

@Scorpiogirl123
It’s been two years. It was supposed to be a bit of fun and keep it light but I fell for him. I feel like I need his attention. I love his attention. I could get it at home if I let my husband give it to me but I’m quite stand offish. I can’t help it. I feel like I’m betraying my AP even though I know he’s not on the same page as me.

@Seadad
I would never tell my husband unless I was caught. I feel very similar to @Livinglearning

@MaelyssQ
You are so right. I need to be in the present. I need to let my husband back into my life. And rebuild. He obviously knows somethings wrong as I’m very distant. I wouldn’t be surprised if he suspects but he’s not asked me.

I feel so sad for the husbands who aren't aware they are their wife's back up / filler / safety option / placeholder etc, only in a marriage because their wife's AP doesn't want to be with them properly and their wife would just rather be with them than be single.

That their wife would leave instantly if their AP called and said he wanted to be together full time. It's heartbreaking.

They are having the chance of meeting someone who really loves and respects them stolen from them.

I would say the same for either sex, obviously.

For those who are married or in long term relationships who have a partner unaware of what's going on, please consider ending that relationship even if you aren't going to be with your AP officially. Don't steal the chance of a genuinely healthy relationship from your current partner.