An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

The irony of posters coming on here to take away safe space from people who might just be right on the line of really not ok, and doing in the name of being 'good'.

Clearly my continuing the thread and posting about the end of my affair has upset an awful lot of people. I have stayed away from posting on here recently even when being argued over. Mainly because I am really not ok, and really struggling to go on, and so can't take the vitriol.

@Livinglearning and anyone else, if you want to pm I am here to listen. Or maybe someone should set up a new thread with an inconspicuous name and let the right people know. The old thread was wonderful for getting many of us to the right place the leave.

@Sarahjanebaskins

Okay, anybody can ignore me, that's meaningless to me. Doesn't change the blatant fact that cheating for a significant length of time is a terrible thing to do. Attacking the messenger doesn't change a thing.

You know what the thread is about It's like me being a vegan and going on a thread about asking someone's favourite meat and getting aerated that people live a different way to me

And my username is (I'd have thought) quite clearly a play on the song. Not that it's remotely relevant to anything

@Sarahjanebaskins

This thread SHOULD be about leaving an AP. I'm not the one who made it into talking about details of ongoing affairs. The minute posters are leaving those relationships is when they are actually leaving the thread. Probably, possibly because they don't want the hurt of hearing about continuing relationships.

A true AP thread for support in leaving those relationships should be created and maintained and its value would be respected. This thread is a sham and a joke.

If you are so highly moral you wouldn't cheat or have an affair why would you even be on a thread about leaving an affair partner? Are you really that bored?

@Affor

You set up this thread as a vehicle to talk about your ( at the time) ongoing situation of being an OW. This isn't a supportive space for people truly leaving AP relationships, you had your own agency and didn't care about anyone elses. Then you left your own thread when your MM turned out not to be all he said. It's a joke.

A thread for genuine support in leaving AP relationships would be valuable. It's clear you shouldn't be managing it though.

Actually I didn't set it up for that. Your deductive powers are about as strong as your sense of empathy.

I think it's really helpful to have a thread for people in affair but in doubt about what they're doing. I think it's also good that posters inject some reality into the affair fog thinking, teenage brain and rationalisation that people in affairs drift into. Particularly the reality of the nature of their affair relationship - which is founded on fantasy.
Obviously there are tremendous ethical aspects and I think these too can be discussed without resorting to abusing others because of their poor choices.

Actually I dont think you should put your feelings for ap to one side. You should probably leave your husband if you lvoe someone else. Especially now that he knows. Be adult and talk to him

Empathy is a skill, I have it in spades for the right people. So thanks for the judgement but I am not bothered by your opinion. I consider long term infidelity to be abusive, a place to support people leaving that would be wonderful. How useful do you think you were when you were talking about the ongoing relationship you were in? Seriously?

I have absolutely no doubt that this thread could have been important for a lot of people who truly needed what it said it was. Unfortunately due to you, the OP, it wasn't ever going to be that space.

@Seadad

Well they should start that thread, but call it what it is. That way people can avoid it if they want, I actually came on and read this thread believing it was about leaving AP relationships. Something I am very much in favour of. I am disappointed by what this is.

'Empathy for the right people' is not empathy.

What ever you think about the validity of the affair, it would have been a lot more productive if it hadn't been constantly derailed by posters like you.

Even now when people are on here saying they are desperate for support but don't feel safe speaking on here, you're piling on. You talk about the consequences of our actions, what about the consequences of yours? We are asking you to please leave us alone because some of us are right on the edge. Don't isolate us.

*validity of the thread, not affair

@Affor have you had any contact with AP

@affor

Productive how? Exactly who do you want to help? Is it the people who are leaving affairs? Because some of those people actually leave this thread when that occurs because they recognise that this thread is not about true genuine support for leaving an AP partner. You yourself disappeared when your relationship ended.

Imagine this was a thread for support in stopping drinking. A comparison would be posters are leaving as soon as they begin abstinence? Do you actually see that? It's ridiculous and it's toxic.

I'm not sure people in affairs should be supported to leave them - or made to feel they should. But they should be supported to face the reality of their affair relatiknship and to be honest with their primary partner and stop all the deceit. The point is to end the deceit - not necessarily the marriage or the affair. But they can't all sit together in an authentic life.

How are you @Affor? Have you had any contact with AP? Let's just ignore unhelpful advice/posters.

@Affor

And you can all say whatever you want about me, but I'm damned sure if I HAD set up a thread like this I would have turned it into a space where people were supported , at least by me, in getting through difficult circumstances. I actually run a group about something I am passionate about and do just that. I would ask if anyone reading this is willing to set up either a true AP free affair thread then they should do that. I believe people on the whole would support that. Also a true thread about living in the reality of affairs might have value, I'm not saying it won't get a lot of critisism, but I personally wouldn't read it or contribute, I would at least know to stay away from it.

Imagine this was a thread for support in stopping drinking. A comparison would be posters are leaving as soon as they begin abstinence? Do you actually see that? It's ridiculous and it's toxic.

Imagine this was a thread for support in stopping drinking, and you came on to tell people how disgusting they were for drinking, how if they were serious about stopping they would have by now, mocking user names and picking fights. Think that would help anyone? Think people would stop because of your wake up call?

It doesn't matter if you like this thread or not. If you think it's useful or supportive or not. Clearly some people do or they wouldn't be using it. For someone of us it is THE ONLY place we can talk about this. If you think it should be different, go set up that thread.

@affor

I'm not the right person to set up that thread. Just as you aren't the right person either.

I am frustrated with this thread because it could have been valuable in helping people, certainly at times plenty of posters have tried to steer it in a positive and meaningful direction. You , as the OP, are integral in setting the environment for creating that "space space" but you put yourself and your own agency in front of that. You should have set up a thread " I am the OW", but we both know you wouldn't have been supported in that so you put a misleading title on to cover what you wanted. And that action let down a lot of people who could have benefitted from this thread. You don't have a lot of integrity in my opinion for the way you have done things.

Anyway, I've said what I wanted to say. If you DO want this thread to be a place of support then I believe some real work needs to be done to do that.

I think you are a little overinvested in a thread on an Internet forum.
Have a cup of tea and feel glad you are a better person and do not have to live with this and all of the fallout.
You do not have to police an Internet thread. Save your energy or speak to a moderator about voiding the thread due to its immorality.

Meanwhile people will keep falling in love and fucking the wrong people and hurting each other and picking themselves up and trying to be better,
There’s nothing you can do about that unfortunately x

@Affor hope you are ok.

@Livinglearning

You are absolutely right! I AM invested in a thread that is talking about people commiting emotional abuse over an extended length of time. Thanks for your concern, it's very touching but I am able to make my own decisions thank you.

It's the picking yourself up and trying to be better I want to hear more about. I am ALL for that. Unfortunately this thread doesn't seem to be focussed on that.

I’m trying to work out ... I have a lot of feelings for my former AP.
I’m am very lucky in that I appear to have a choice at the moment.

• happy family life with my partner who wants to make a go of it. Thinking that my emotions will fade. That I’ll see sense. Get some clarity, settle and be happy.

• end it with my partner. Work through my feelings. Maybe even find a new relationship where I love them. Completely and honestly. Break my children’s hearts. Sell the family home. Live alone some of time. Maybe never have another relationship again.

That’s what’s in my head. And I was wondering if women in the same situation had any insight?
To some extent my common sense of telling me to woman up, put emotions aside and focus on my family and making things work.
But there’s still this thing ... there’s still the heartbreak and the wanting

Thank you @Affor as you said this is the only place where some of us can talk about our situation, we are all grown ups and make our own decisions but it is good to come here and be able just to let it out. I hope you are okay x

@Sarahjanebaskins

How can people now offer emotional support to others that are dealing with a difficult situation now that you have created such a hostile environment?

The posters on here have posted their own situations. Some are still with their AP and trying to work out what to do, some have left their AP and need some advice on where to go from here. There are all matters of circumstances, people, situations, opinions and advice occurring.

Just because you believe it to be emotional abuse, does not mean you need to belittle the people on this thread by, perhaps, abusing them emotionally.