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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An APfree 2021

599 replies

Affor · 31/12/2020 16:50

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

OP posts:
Headisgone · 22/01/2021 19:47

Sadly there are positives. But I genuinely dont think anyone can understand until they have walked in those shoes. My opinion was up to sept (and prob still is) that people shouldnt cheat its never right and its total scumbag behaviour. But since sept I understand its just not that simple even tho it really really should be.

How is everyone today?

Sarahjanebaskins · 22/01/2021 20:03

This thread is just for people who want to talk about the details of their ongoing affairs. It should be shut down. When people leave their AP relationship they are actually leaving the thread! So how is this about AP free support! And the ones cheating are, not surprisingly, about as much use as a wet paper bag when it comes to offering support to others. It's a joke.

wetasstenalady · 22/01/2021 20:06

[quote Onthedunes]@wetasstenalady

Probably the same reason an ow starts and stays in a relationship with a mm when there are no positives. Confused

It's baffling.[/quote]
We get it your husband had an affair and you are still bitter. This isn't going to be the correct therapy for you as we can see x
Good luck finding a more supportive and useful thread

Headisgone · 22/01/2021 20:07

@Sarahjanebaskins

This thread is just for people who want to talk about the details of their ongoing affairs. It should be shut down. When people leave their AP relationship they are actually leaving the thread! So how is this about AP free support! And the ones cheating are, not surprisingly, about as much use as a wet paper bag when it comes to offering support to others. It's a joke.
It should be shut down? Are you ok? If People dont comment then it would effectively shut down so no need to add fuel to the fire. I think all the people in affairs should stop and actually theres some good advice here and support in no contact . If you dont like it or want it to be a continued thread dont comment i guess
Sarahjanebaskins · 22/01/2021 20:15

@Headisgone

As much as I want to get into a discussion with someone who... What was it? thinks people who cheat are scumbags but it doesn't apply to yourself as actually life is more complicated than that? Or whatever it was you said? I have better things to do thanks.

I will comment as I want to, it being a public forum and all I don't need you to give approval. By shutting down the thread I meant it was misleading and provocative. Threads can be shut down for those reasons.

Headisgone · 22/01/2021 22:01

It absolutely does apply to myself. My behaviour is that of a scumbag.i never said i was any different. Having walked in those shoes i know have a different understanding. Does it make the behaviour less scummy? No it doesn’t.

Have a good evening

Sarahjanebaskins · 22/01/2021 22:50

@wetasstenalady

Does your username indicate that you suffer from incontinence? How does that work with your AP?

Headisgone · 23/01/2021 07:43

@Sarahjanebaskins i thought you had better things to do 🤯 wow youve gone for taking the piss out of user names. So no you are clearly not ok!

user47000000000 · 23/01/2021 08:24

Strength to all of you in this situation.

Good people often do “bad” things. It’s complex.

Me and DP got together 8 yrs ago through n affair. MN was my lifeline during those times.

I hope you don’t mind me posting on the thread, just wanted to send a bit of support after some of the hugely generalised and nasty comments Flowers

wetasstenalady · 23/01/2021 08:55

[quote Headisgone]@Sarahjanebaskins i thought you had better things to do 🤯 wow youve gone for taking the piss out of user names. So no you are clearly not ok![/quote]
Honestly these threads just attract the bitter who haven't healed from their own personal trauma
I feel sorry for them choosing to hang around reading threads that cause further trauma like some kind of self harm. It's sad

Livinglearning · 23/01/2021 09:17

I never thought I would have an affair. It went on for 2 years and it’s just ended. My partner found out.
The fallout is horrific. But partner wants to make it work so I’m very lucky. Whether he can get over it is another thing. Time will tell.

And after everything, after ending it, I realise I’m in love with AP. But he will never leave his wife. Because he doesn’t love me. Even though she has cheated on him.

It’s the oldest story in the book isn’t it. But the heartbreak is real. And the devastation for everyone is real.

Headisgone · 23/01/2021 09:33

@Livinglearning sorry to hear. Do you want to be with your partner?

Sarahjanebaskins · 23/01/2021 09:37

@wetasstenalady

@Headisgone

It was just a question.

Anyway I consider people who cheat on their partners for a significant length of time as emotional abusers. I don't think abusers should get a quiet space to talk about how they are able to continue in their abuse. I have zero respect for people who treat people like this ergo I'm not particularly bothered about any cheats opinion of me.

user47000000000 · 23/01/2021 09:41

Would suggest everyone just ignores sarahjanebaskins comments and continues supporting people. She has no idea what is going on in individuals lives and what their stories are. Sending strength and support to those who need it x

Sarahjanebaskins · 23/01/2021 09:49

Okay, anybody can ignore me, that's meaningless to me. Doesn't change the blatant fact that cheating for a significant length of time is a terrible thing to do. Attacking the messenger doesn't change a thing.

Livinglearning · 23/01/2021 09:49

I see a happy family life if I can free myself from AP.
When DP found out I didn’t beg him to take me back. I was very calm. Like I was in shock. And all I could think about was AP.
That’s what bothers me. That i will need to put my feelings away and get on with things.
But maybe that’s what adults do.

The other thing is AP doesn’t want to lose me as a friend and we are still chatting. Maybe the relationship will move to just friends - but we talk to each other all the time. And I would miss him so much. And he says the same.

Livinglearning · 23/01/2021 09:51

Yes it is a terrible thing to do. But humans do terrible things to each other sometimes. Smile

Sarahjanebaskins · 23/01/2021 09:53

@Livinglearning

There are forums out there talking about sexually abusing children, would you use that stupid argument in there?

Livinglearning · 23/01/2021 09:57

I’m not going to engage with ridiculous analogies.

Nothing you can say will change anything, make anyone feel better/worse. It just is.

Sarahjanebaskins · 23/01/2021 09:59

@Livinglearning

You're the one with the stupid analogy. Saying people do stupid things is not an excuse for continuing to do them!

I'm starting to wonder if low IQ correlates with capacity to cheat?

EpochTime · 23/01/2021 10:01

@wetasstenalady I too have wondered about your username. Not because I want to have a pop at you. I'm just curious as it's so .. unusual!

I just wanted to say that the reason people read this thread may or may not be because of previous trauma they have experienced. But if they are reading this thread due to trauma then they deserve compassion and understanding. One of the things about betrayal is that the betrayed will often spend a great deal of time looking for reasons for the betrayal, especially if they have been gaslighted because the experience has entered the realms of the irrational for them. Betrayal can turn reality on its head. The betrayed partner can begin to question their entire past reality. It can be extremely damaging and even dangerous, with betrayed partners often thinking suicidal thoughts where previously they have had no such mental health issues.

Sarahjanebaskins · 23/01/2021 10:10

Personally, I hate infidelity because a close relative completed suicide after being cheated on for a significant length of time. I get all that, "life is complicated" stuff. But extended affairs don't fit into that box for me. They are just cruel. I am not looking for anyone to care, but just to say my opinion can be said on the this forum as much as anyone elses. And will be said. Ignore me if you want. ignoring me means nothing. And I suspect some pretty unempathic people reside on this thread anyway so I don't think i would be able to change your mind. But someone reading might think again. Who knows.

EpochTime · 23/01/2021 10:22

@Sarahjanebaskins

Personally, I hate infidelity because a close relative completed suicide after being cheated on for a significant length of time. I get all that, "life is complicated" stuff. But extended affairs don't fit into that box for me. They are just cruel. I am not looking for anyone to care, but just to say my opinion can be said on the this forum as much as anyone elses. And will be said. Ignore me if you want. ignoring me means nothing. And I suspect some pretty unempathic people reside on this thread anyway so I don't think i would be able to change your mind. But someone reading might think again. Who knows.
@Sarahjanebaskins I too had a relative who took his own life after being cheated on for a long time. The wife's family attributed it to his own hereditary mental health issues and no mention was ever made of it perhaps being linked to the infidelity of his wife. I think there is a tendency to minimise the devastating effects of infidelity and I think this is linked to the commodification of human beings which is being made even worse by social media. Anyway, I don't want to get on a soap box and derail the thread for the affair partners. I just wanted to offer my support for your opinions which I think are - in the main - astute and valuable.
Livinglearning · 23/01/2021 10:32

Believe me, I’m all too familiar with the devastating effects. It was the first time I considered ending my own life.
But obviously will seek some help with my situation elsewhere

Sarahjanebaskins · 23/01/2021 10:39

This thread SHOULD be about leaving an AP. I'm not the one who made it into talking about details of ongoing affairs. The minute posters are leaving those relationships is when they are actually leaving the thread. Probably, possibly because they don't want the hurt of hearing about continuing relationships.

A true AP thread for support in leaving those relationships should be created and maintained and its value would be respected. This thread is a sham and a joke.