An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

You are so right. Thank you for your kindness.

@arcof

That is such a helpful post. I will re read it when I need to.

I'm cutting the cord soon by starting a new job, it feels like a huge wrench, but then I think what's the alternative, still be doing the same thing this time next year? Another year of pain with the odd high thrown in? Or set off now on the path to feeling free?

I know what is right it feels difficult though and it really helped to hear what you had to say.

arcof's post is spot on.

The relief, as a single mother, of having cut loose from 'my' MM is immeasurable.

Also, yes, it was very much about teenage hormones.

How's everyone doing?

I remembered something earlier that I think anyone in affairs should consider.

Future faking

There was a good deal of that from my AP. What we would do when we were together. He would tell me how he'd propose, whisk me away on city breaks etc. It was like badly written chicklit. It was so easy to hear how well I'd be treated, and the fun we'd have.

He would tell me how I'd be able to have a lie in whilst he did all the cleaning. Shit like that. I'm not sure I fell for it but it was a nice fairy tale.

I do remember once him saying something about how fabulous I was and that no one had ever been so kind to him etc etc... and me asking what did he know about my goals, hopes and dreams... career intentions etc. Fuck all was the answer to that!

I can probably add some useful advice now too. Having now admitted my affair to my husband the fallout is so much worse than I could ever imagined. And he's handling it better than most I think. He hasn't slept or eaten in 4 days now. He took himself to the GP as he was so frightened by how he was feeling. This is a man with no prior mental health problems who is now on antidepressants and sleeping tablets. He has had a panic attack and bouts where he can't stop shaking. He is having suicidal thoughts, only the thought of the children is protecting him. When I say he's handling it well I mean he is affording me incredible understanding and crediting me for my belated honesty. He hopes I will be happy. He is incredible and I'm very sad I couldn't love him the way he wanted. But the way I've handled this by deceiving him has destroyed his life.

I think that's the difference between cheating on partners in your teens or even twenties- it breaks hearts which can mend. But infidelity in marriage/with children doesn't just break hearts, it breaks lives and it breaks people. Betrayal by the person you trust most in the world changes someone profoundly.

@AnotherVice do you have a plan about what happens next? Did your husband suspect anything?

@AnotherVice - I don't doubt this is hard for you too. Like @ginandcv I'm wondering if you had imagined what might happen if your affair came out to your DH - and how you would deal with it versus the reality?

It's all so much more complicated than I had ever expected. I was planning on leaving anyway, we'd talked about it as a vague possibility, we'd share custody equally. But now he doesn't want to live in 'our' house, I naively hadn't foreseen that, I'd hoped it would be the security for the dcs. He's even saying doesn't feel strong enough to single parent even though that's basically what he's been doing anyway. He wants me to stay for as long as I can to help him. I don't feel I can leave anytime soon and feel more trapped than ever but I can hardly complain about it.
He asked me outright so obviously was suspicious even though for the previous 20 years would never have thought me capable. I found I couldn't lie anymore and have since been entirely honest with him.
I never planned on telling him or have him find out. But realised I had to start putting it right.
Of course I had considered all the ways it could play out but in none of the scenarios did I imagine he'd be so devastated. I thought he was aware our marriage was not salvageable. As much as I may have been guilty of rewriting history a little, he is looking back with rose tinted glasses and it's making it so much harder for him.
It is so hard. I'm resolute in my decision to leave but this is beyond horrific. We have talked for hours and hours, I've had barely any sleep which is not ideal as I'm still working full time. But I have to give him whatever he needs now.

Gosh @Anothervoice - 20 years is a long time together- he will likely be thinking that he has never truly known you - and that everything between you might be a lie. That's 20 years of his life that he can't get back. I imagine that's why this will have hit him so hard. Its very common for people cheated on to question the entire basis of everything they believed about someone- all the things they explained away, that now have doubt and reconsidered. It's also deeply humiliating - and at the hands of the person you trusted and loved - devastating is about right.

Unless things were truly terrible between you then it's quite possible that he was living in hope and that your belief that things were ending was not his perception- an affair certainly skews perceptions.

Maybe look up some previous threads here and online about the emotional impact of infidelity? These are days that will cast a long shadow over his life going forward.

AnotherVice Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it helps to stop others falling down the slippery slope.

Oh Dear some people!
The real point of Affor and others posting here is that they have publicly announced that they are aware of things that they themselves need to change. I guess they were hoping for a bit of support from this community.
They are getting it from some very kind posters making kind remarks.
There were judgemental and smart-arse posts early on but we are on page 14 now. Those of you wanting to let off steam for your own reasons especially the one who I think used the phrase 'you are not yet showing remorse'. What an outdated idea of forgiveness that is. Stop hounding people that are already injured. Leave it alone, go, depart, be gone.

@Affor, my best wishes to you and take strength from some very sound people.

Oh dear some posters!

The real point of Affor is to post stating that they need help in coming to the right decision of disgarding their AP, when in fact the nature of the posts turns into a support forum for pining for their AP, whilst they are not with them, and then whoops a daisy I've seen them again.

An outdated form of forgiveness? what does that even mean.
Nobody needs to forgive anybody, who are you to tell them they should.

Posters do not need forgiveness from people who choose to have affairs, they are trying to purvey their feelings and hope that others may be educated by the hurt they have caused.

If someone really has the capability of destroying others in their path, do you really think they are so vunerable as to need someone to pipe up and defend them.

Poor souls, don't make me laugh.
Yes people need support when they decide to do the right thing, it's always hard stopping something you like doing but don't tell others that they are deficient in empathy because we do not understand injured people.

Yes @Onthedunes we already know you disapprove. The plethora of other posts did tell us
But please continue there may be one or two who missed it

@wetasstenalady

Oh yes sorry about that... having an opposing point of view.
Oh well it could be worse I could be shagging someone elses husband.

Again... sorry about that, didn't mean to be sarcastic.

[quote Onthedunes]@wetasstenalady

Oh yes sorry about that... having an opposing point of view.
Oh well it could be worse I could be shagging someone elses husband.

Again... sorry about that, didn't mean to be sarcastic.[/quote]
you seem to have fun getting other peoples backs up on multiple threads on this forum.

@daddyshark1976

and you seem to have fun following me.

[quote Onthedunes]@daddyshark1976

and you seem to have fun following me.[/quote]
don't flatter yourself, I rarely remember usernames on here, but let's say you have made yourself memorable.

@daddyshark1976

So to have you, by graciously uploading numerous links as to why women are to be blamed for their husbands affairs.

[quote Onthedunes]@daddyshark1976

So to have you, by graciously uploading numerous links as to why women are to be blamed for their husbands affairs.[/quote]
If that is how you have read and understood those then I words fail me. I was simply providing a balanced argument both ways to counter the dominant view from someone like yourself. But can I advise we don't make things personal? I am a professional and as such, not really wanting to get into a war of words, it's tacky.

@daddyshark1976

Yes not at all, I don't mind not conversing with you. I wouldn't like to offend you being a professional, by being tacky.

[quote Onthedunes]@wetasstenalady

Oh yes sorry about that... having an opposing point of view.
Oh well it could be worse I could be shagging someone elses husband.

Again... sorry about that, didn't mean to be sarcastic.[/quote]
I just don't get why someone who so clearly is getting nothing positive from a thread would insist on hanging around torturing themselves
Very odd

@wetasstenalady

Probably the same reason an ow starts and stays in a relationship with a mm when there are no positives.

It's baffling.