Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An APfree 2021

599 replies

Affor · 31/12/2020 16:50

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

OP posts:
Fearandsurprise · 16/01/2021 19:48

@Affor

I'm not trying to defend him, I was just curious about your combining the two sets of action at the same level of shittyness.

Same on when it started, of course it doesn't make it better, it was just a response to your saying it was common for affairs to start in pregnancy.

I didn’t rank the level of shittyness of him and his father.

It’s also common for men to start affairs when they are trying to conceive with their wife - fear of fatherhood etc.

Original poster
Affor · 16/01/2021 19:51

Fair enough, sounds like we're not really disagreeing then, though I would said that I don't think having an affair makes you a bad parent. Or a 'shitty, appalling excuse for a dad".

OP posts:
ginandcv · 16/01/2021 20:31

I think also it's wise to consider the wider family. In laws, children, siblings etc

That they might not accept the situation.

I realised that rather than the AP being the love of my life, I just loved the way he made me feel. He idolised me. But it wasn't real life. Sure we did a few domestic chores together but the rest of it was just sharing bullshit memes (him) and you tube videos (me). It was a teenage relationship in an adult world - complete with 'no one understands us, our love will conquer all'. They did and it didn't.

Alwaystheotherwoman · 16/01/2021 20:49

@Affor

Can I ask did you know he was planning a pregnancy with his wife? I’m not judging at all. I too am having an affair and I find one of the hardest parts is him planning things with his wife and children. Simple things like decorating their home. It just feels to me like he is not thinking of the future with me. It drives me crazy to think of him doing simple things like going sofa shopping or picking paint with his wife when he talks about having a future with me.

How did you get past this?

Original poster
Affor · 16/01/2021 20:56

I can't help I'm afraid @Alwaystheotherwoman. I knew him for years before anything happened, and knew he didn't want more children. They had one and he was happy with that. But she wanted more. They had used fertility treatment and so agreed to a last chance and, both stuck. He found out she was pregnant just after we realised we had crossed a line. He stopped it all and we distanced. It was a couple of months before we became properly involved. Then we stopped once the due date got close and it all seems so real and insurmountable. I mean he could hardly leave her when pregnant or with new bones, so what was the point.

But I can relate to your feelings. I really struggled with things like christmas, the prep for the birth, the fact mine and her birthdays are close together so I couldn't help but compare what he might be doing/saying/gifting. It's only natural, but I decided instead just focus on how I felt, and what I knew not suspected.

OP posts:
Alwaystheotherwoman · 16/01/2021 21:10

@Affor

I feel like there’s big gaps I don’t know about. I’ve got to the point where I don’t like to ask what have you got planned this weekend or what did you do last night as I feel jealous of him telling me he even sat and watched tv as I presume his wife is sitting next to him etc and he’s sharing little jokes with her etc. I have no idea if they do as I have absolutely no idea about his relationship. He seeked me out so he’s obviously not happy enough but he just seems to get awkward if I ask anything.

How much do people know of their APs normal life? I want to ask him questions but get jealous of the answers but if I don’t ask I make up the answers myself which are maybe worse than the real thing!

user47000000000 · 16/01/2021 21:14

Just wanted to send Wine to those who need it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/01/2021 21:14

[quote Poppop4]@Headisgone a year next week! Although we had 4 months of not seeing eachother after his wife had a baby.
I have a complicated story, but his wife ended up pregnant following a last ditch attempt at reigniting their spark, she wanted an abortion and had one planned but couldnt go ahead. So they carried on and tried to make it work. He ended up leaving while she was heavily pregnant (not his finest moment) when baby was born he moved back in to help with the baby and the toddler they already had. This is where I said we shouldn’t see eachother for a while so he had time to think.
I’m not ready to leave my husband yet though, and when I do it will be for me not for Ap.
So he’s back at his martial home although not bed sharing and we are still a thing.

I’m sorry I haven’t read the full thread so not sure if you have shared your story but how long have you been in an affair?
I imagine it’s hard to stop when it’s your boss, like you say a new job seems to be the only way.

It’s a complicated life and a lonely one too. Not a single person IRL knows about our affair and sometimes I do badly need to tell someone but I don’t because we promised we wouldn’t.[/quote]
It's pretty textbook to be honest. What a horrible, irresponsible and cruel man. I hope she finds out, or leaves him for another reason, and manages to meet someone who actually cares enough about her to not be shagging other people when she's pregnant / has a little baby. Your AP sounds vile.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/01/2021 21:26

No matter what we want we can't get there if he won't let go. So it has to be over.

So block. It's done now.

And this will sound harsh but is necessary to keep in mind. You say "no matter what we want" but really the fact is, he doesn't want you enough to risk his children's perception of him / relationship with him.

You have to stop ruminating over the whys and how's, the ins and outs of their relationship, his family, and focus on moving forwards yourself.

It's over.

he didn't want more children. They had one and he was happy with that. But she wanted more. They had used fertility treatment and so agreed to a last chance and, both stuck.

Part of the reason he has been having an affair with you is likely your ability to defend him and twist the narrative to always make him look the least shitty. If he really didn't want more children, he shouldn't have agreed to fertility treatment. Responsible, decent adults don't make huge, life changing decisions then blame the outcome on everyone but themselves. If he didn't want more children he shouldn't have agreed to fertility treatment.

He sounds insufferably selfish and it's frustrating hearing you defend someone who has treated his wife disgustingly and managed to convince you / manipulate you / allow you to put him on a pedestal he doesn't deserve.

Come on now, it's over and needs to be for good. Stop jumping at his contact and start building yourself back up so this doesn't happen again.

Thewookiemustgo · 16/01/2021 22:32

@Affor I’m so sorry you are in so much pain. Truly horrible situation. However, having an affair really does make you a bad parent for the duration of the affair. A really shitty one.
Risking your children’s love, security, mental health and wellbeing for selfish reasons really does make you a bad parent during the affair.
I am going to be fully honest and say I am a betrayed wife, but I have no animosity towards anyone here or axe to grind. An AP’s children are only protected as long as everyone lives in ignorance. This is not being a good parent. As a parent, risking your children’s happiness for something that would crush them if it came to light and only benefits you is not good parenting. Prioritising you’re children is what makes you a good parent. Sometimes that might mean leaving a bad relationship. But lying to them (directly or indirectly) is not good parenting. When my husband texted me to say he couldn’t collect one of our children from their activity because of (insert bullshit excuse here) he lied to them. He allowed me to unwittingly lie to them because he lied to me as to why I had to collect them instead of him and when they asked why Dad couldn’t pick them up, I repeated what he’d told me. Because I believed him. I unwittingly covered for him, unwittingly let our children think their life was what it was. It was all untrue. A good parent doesn’t lie to his spouse and get her to parent for him so he can sleep with his mistress and risk everything. It just doesn’t.

An AP free life benefits everyone involved.

Fearandsurprise · 17/01/2021 00:46

Affor, so you started an affair while they were going through the incredibly stressful time of fertility treatment.

Even if he really didn’t want more children, he clearly loved / loves his wife enough to go through fertility treatment with her to give her the babies she wanted.

Or he is completely evil, and enjoyed the ego trip of getting one woman pregnant while shagging another.

AnotherVice · 17/01/2021 03:41

Is anyone awake?

Fearandsurprise · 17/01/2021 04:11

@AnotherVice

Is anyone awake?
I am. But I’m more likely to be offering straight talking rather than hand holding, which might not be what you want at the moment.
AnotherVice · 17/01/2021 04:32

Fair enough. You can tell me you told me so while it all blows up in my face. I'd deserve it.

Fearandsurprise · 17/01/2021 04:41

@AnotherVice

Fair enough. You can tell me you told me so while it all blows up in my face. I'd deserve it.
No, you deserve better. Start by treating yourself better with good self-care to try to improve your self-respect.
AnotherVice · 17/01/2021 04:53

I'm trying to do the right thing in leaving my husband and telling him the truth. It's killing him. Obviously the right thing would have been not to have an affair in the first place but it's too late for that.

Fearandsurprise · 17/01/2021 04:59

@AnotherVice

I'm trying to do the right thing in leaving my husband and telling him the truth. It's killing him. Obviously the right thing would have been not to have an affair in the first place but it's too late for that.
So, you are half way there in sorting out the mess, by leaving your husband.

Your next step is to leave your AP and start a new life on your own, not one built on betrayal with him.

Fearandsurprise · 17/01/2021 05:05

@AnotherVice

I'm trying to do the right thing in leaving my husband and telling him the truth. It's killing him. Obviously the right thing would have been not to have an affair in the first place but it's too late for that.
And as your are planning to have 50/50 custody of your four children - for their sake, do not get together with your AP as soon as you leave their father. Think about the example you are setting them in relationships / self-respect / moral behaviour.
AnotherVice · 17/01/2021 06:05

@Fearandsurprise I know you are right. It's just so, so hard. My AP is moving out of his marital home soon and it's tempting to believe we can finally be happy together. I know it's unlikely but to rule it out feels impossible.

Fearandsurprise · 17/01/2021 06:11

AnotherVice - yes, you said his wife has kicked him out. He hasn’t made a positive choice to be with you. You, and your Children, deserve better than having this cheater in their lives.

arcof · 17/01/2021 06:55

@affor
I was where you are in the past, and all I can tell you is you can either continue to feel this pain perpetually, over and over again, or you can cut the cord now and start the clock ticking to where the pain ends. In the end I made a drastic change and left the country. It's about 10 years later now and I'm happy and married with kids. Now I have kids, I know I'd never leave them, and it appalls me even more what he and I did when I was single and he was married.

Please cut the cord now and start healing. You deserve so much better. He's got a nice cosy family and all that goes with it, and you've got nothing. Nothing.

If it's gonna take 6 months to get over for example, start now and feel better by June. The alternative is, you don't start now but instead delay to what, this time next year? You end it then and it takes 6 months to get over so that's 18 more months of pain versus 6 if you do it now.

Don't want to clock just in case? Just in case what? In case he rings you to mess with your head and end with "yeah I still can't leave her". Or " maybe I'll leave her" to keep you hanging on, changing to " yeah I still can't leave her" a few weeks later. It doesn't matter if he calls or not, the outcome is the same. Pain, pain, pain, temporary high, more pain.

Just cut him loose and don't feel sad, feel happy. Feel free. And you know what? If he ever was gonna leave (which he isn't), you binning him off is the only thing that would compel him to . Because you become instantly more attractive the minute you're not at his beck and call. This isn't going to happen but if it can serve as motivation, so be it.

Good luck.

arcof · 17/01/2021 06:56

*block

AnotherVice · 17/01/2021 07:16

@Fearandsurprise I know Sad

AnotherVice · 17/01/2021 07:16

@Fearandsurprise And thankyou for replying x

Fearandsurprise · 17/01/2021 07:28

[quote AnotherVice]@Fearandsurprise And thankyou for replying x[/quote]
I don’t want to refer to too much of your background from other threads, but I imagine it is challenging for you at work at the moment, and you have some young children who might find life difficult with lockdown that you have been needing to support. Take things one step at a time.

I hope you can get through this with the minimum of pain to yourself, your children, their father, and your AP’s family.

The “teenage” rush hormones causing your interest in your AP, will fade, if you stop feeding the fire with contact.