An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

@Scorpiogirl123 I'm not going to go into details as it is upsetting people.

But I have just ordered my weight in pizza to eat this evening. I have also gathered up all the cards, presents, little notes and letters he has given me. I am going to box up and send back or bin.

Unsurprisingly I haven't heard from him since I asked him to leave yesterday. I am going to give myself the weekend to accept he won't message while he can, to let it hit home, then block. If I block now my subconscious will always wonder and turn it into not giving him chance

I just thought of something silly

My AP had bought some perfume. I didn't want to bin it (because my moral compass was shot, but my eco credentials were great) so I 'left' it in a gym locker hope someone else used it.

I took some clothes to clothes bank

I couldn't bare to have any stupid reminders. Tbh most stuff was electronic anyway.

@Affor please do feel free to talk if you want to it was meant to be a support thread for wherever you were really in the stages of this shit show or thats what i thought. I think that blocking him and nc is the best route to take unless you think you will wonder if he messages in which case just nc. Know that even if it was real now you are better off without him
And time will heal that. Enjoy the pizza xx

Guess my post just went unread 🤷🏽‍♀️

Sorry @wetasstenalady. I got preoccupied but you're right, this thread is support for everyone.

How are you doing? Have you still seen the light and managed to be no contact?

Yes I've gone no contact again day one today. Like you it hurts so much that they dangle a future in front of you then whip it away. But hey best to know now rather than set up home and a few months in after the family being split up him saying his wife wants to give it another go so he's leaving

Can you delete and bock @wetasstenalady? Give your self a real chance at being able to stick to it?

@wetasstenalady well done for doing another day ! Its hard but worth it im sure

I’ve been holding off posting due to the amount of abuse I received via dm in the last thread.
I have since name changed.

@Affor my heart goes out to you, sounds like you’ve had a difficult few months. I wanted to just post and say I was on the last thread and that my inbox is open if you wanted to chat. Keep posting here for support, try to ignore the people who are being unkind. If they don’t like what they are reading they can always leave the thread and find something to comment on!

To everyone else, I cant offer advice for moving on as I am still in my affair. However what I can say is that if I were to end it the only way for me to get over him would be to remove him entirely from my life. I couldn’t stay friends with him.
My AP is an ex boyfriend of mine from 15 years ago, he holds a very special place in my heart and I absolutely couldn’t look at him as just a friend

@Poppop4 how long have you been in yours for? Im going to prob leave the job end of jan or feb and then will try end it then it will be too hard before then. And really i need my kids back at sch before i can enter a separation with my husband. I feel really in limbo and a bit lost. I feel great when im messaging ap and crap most of the rest of them time so not sure what that says

Because he is my boss i mean

@Headisgone a year next week! Although we had 4 months of not seeing eachother after his wife had a baby.
I have a complicated story, but his wife ended up pregnant following a last ditch attempt at reigniting their spark, she wanted an abortion and had one planned but couldnt go ahead. So they carried on and tried to make it work. He ended up leaving while she was heavily pregnant (not his finest moment) when baby was born he moved back in to help with the baby and the toddler they already had. This is where I said we shouldn’t see eachother for a while so he had time to think.
I’m not ready to leave my husband yet though, and when I do it will be for me not for Ap.
So he’s back at his martial home although not bed sharing and we are still a thing.

I’m sorry I haven’t read the full thread so not sure if you have shared your story but how long have you been in an affair?
I imagine it’s hard to stop when it’s your boss, like you say a new job seems to be the only way.

It’s a complicated life and a lonely one too. Not a single person IRL knows about our affair and sometimes I do badly need to tell someone but I don’t because we promised we wouldn’t.

Whats the situation with your husband? I started working for my ap beg of august. Its kinda an extra job due to covid so i dont “need” to do it. So its not that complicated in that sense. And our worlds/lives/etc are so different we wpuld prob never cross again (maybe on linkedin lol!) i want my ap tho i think. Ive been married almost 10years but at least the lst 3 have been shitty and ive been to scared to leave due to kids and angry sad depressed husband. I thought i would just live with it and protect the kids as much as i could. The meeting and having feelings for ap seems to have now made me realise it doesnt need to be that way (not necessarily beacasue of ap) but that i need to leave my marriage for me it doesnt make me happy and i could be.

Gosh @Poppop4 our stories are almost identical. Ours started a year ago (to the day) though not physical till March. Stopped July due to pregnancy and started again in nov. Weird

@Poppop4 how often do you see and speak to him now? did you manage the nc for the 4months? How do you feel about your dh?

@Headisgone I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, married 5. We have a very bad sex life which initially was the reason I ended up in the bed of another man. This year he’s had a massive mental health breakdown where he was suicidal and I know if I leave now it’ll break him. Our daughter is only 2 and I have this massive fear that if I leave I’ll effectively kill her daddy so I just can’t do it right now.
I love him, I really do but I feel like he’s checked out already. He’s Not interested in sex, very rarely asks about my day and makes little effort. Perhaps it’s the depression and things will improve as he receives treatment but being honest I’m not so sure.

No we weren’t no contact those 4 months, we did speak maybe once/twice a week via text but I refused to meet up with him because I know seeing me clouds his judgment so wanted him to think clearly. Now we speak almost daily, see eachother around once a week if our work schedules allow it.

If/when I leave my husband as much as I love AP I don’t think we will be together. He doesn’t want more children he has 3 already and I probably do, I’m certainly young enough anyway so wouldn’t want to rule it out as such. So that’s why if I leave it’ll be for me when I’m ready and not factoring in whatever he’s doing with his life.

I also totally understand how fucking awful this makes us both sound, we are well aware that what we are doing is wrong :(

@Affor wow! That’s a bit freaky.
How are you doing today?

What would you do if you were caught?

The problem with affairs is the time stolen that needs to be accounted for. This then often involves other people 'oh I was at work longer... I met x for coffee'

It can never be undone.

If you got together with an AP it'd always be known that you cheated.

I've got friends and relatives who are now with their AP and have been for years, far superseding the time and quality of their first relationship (or so it seems). But there's never a nice way to describe how you met. It doesn't make a good story.

If We got caught then so be it, we will have to hold our hands Up and admit it and deal with the consequences. There would be no point denying it.

As for if we got together, my AP was my first love we have known each other a long time so o guess that would be our story that we reconnected years later and fell back in love. People don’t need to know the gory details just like they don’t need to know that my husband had a girlfriend when we met that I didn’t know about. I didn’t feel the need to share that with people when they asked about us getting together

It isn't it @Poppop4! I had to read yours fully to make sure he's not mine

Honestly I'm not sure how I am. He got back in touch last night to explain. It doesn't resolve things - we still can't be together but man has he frustrated me.

He says he 'won't let himself fall in love with me'. Because he can't leave his children. I knew this was going to be a sticking point as he has been very honest about his baggage from the start. He sees it as abandoning them, as giving them the childhood he has with his shitty, appalling excuse for a dad who walked out and never came back. He can't see the difference between children two in up into, loving homes and how he spent his childhood. He just sees it as him ruining their lives.

So that's it. We're stuck. No matter what we want we can't get there if he won't let go. So it has to be over.

@Affor

Gosh *@Poppop4* our stories are almost identical. Ours started a year ago (to the day) though not physical till March. Stopped July due to pregnancy and started again in nov. Weird

It’s not weird. A lot of affairs start when the wife is pregnant. The husband might feel trapped by impending fatherhood, he might not find his wife attractive while pregnant, he might feel that sleeping with his wife while pregnant is “wrong”, his wife might be focussing on her pregnancy and not on him and he feels left out, his wife might be less interested in sex, or find it uncomfortable etc.

This is the sort of man you were thinking of having a baby with.

He is already a “shitty, appalling excuse for a dad” - see previous comments about risking his babies’ health via STIs, or causing stress to his wife, while she was pregnant with them.

@Fearandsurprise you don't think there's any difference between someone who walks away from four children and refuses to ever see them again? And someone who has an affair, leaves and continues to be present in his children's life? No difference at all?

And it didn't start once she was pregnant.

[quote Affor]@Fearandsurprise you don't think there's any difference between someone who walks away from four children and refuses to ever see them again? And someone who has an affair, leaves and continues to be present in his children's life? No difference at all?

And it didn't start once she was pregnant. [/quote]
Your timeline is confusing. It sounds like he was sleeping with you while his wife was pregnant. It doesn’t matter when the affair actually started.

You are determined to defend the appalling behaviour of this vile man. Just because he might be less vile than his father, doesn’t make his a good father.

I'm not trying to defend him, I was just curious about your combining the two sets of action at the same level of shittyness.

Same on when it started, of course it doesn't make it better, it was just a response to your saying it was common for affairs to start in pregnancy.