Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

An APfree 2021

599 replies

Affor · 31/12/2020 16:50

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

OP posts:
Affor · 14/01/2021 20:10

I don't have a DH. Maybe this is why you should read threads before deciding you know best.

OP posts:
Seadad · 14/01/2021 20:15

Then he isn't your affair partner is he - he's more your married man- and you absolutely know how this ends don't you?

Seadad · 14/01/2021 20:17

@Affor if you're single im sorry I didn't pick up on that amongst all the other posters - and what I wrote doesn't apply so much to you - but it absolutely does to your man!! What were you thinking??

Scorpiogirl123 · 14/01/2021 20:37

@Affor I'm so sorry about what has happened. My heart goes out to you.
You will get through this.
Do you have close friends you can talk to? Daffodil

Scorpiogirl123 · 14/01/2021 20:38

@Affor just ignore unhelpful advice Thanks

Fearandsurprise · 14/01/2021 21:04

Affor have you had any counselling?

Your AP’s wife was heavily pregnant, and then they both have a very tiny baby to take care of.
Your self-esteem must be incredibly low to choose such a vile specimen of a man.

Why would you even think about having children with someone who does that? Surely you can see he would have done the same to you and any babies you had?

It almost seems like a form of self-harm for you by choosing to have an affair under those circumstances.
Your empathy levels seem very low.

To become happier, you might want to work on those issues. I mean that kindly.

12yearsago · 14/01/2021 21:05

[quote Scorpiogirl123]@Affor I'm so sorry about what has happened. My heart goes out to you.
You will get through this.
Do you have close friends you can talk to? Daffodil[/quote]
This. Please be kind to yourself Affor

And just who made Seadad Leader of fucking Everything? If you just want to gloat on how dreadful we are and how such a morally disgraceful thing would never happen to you, then good luck and start your own thread on how wonderful you are.

And another smug PP (cba scrolling through to find the name), ‘can’t really respect 2 people at the same time’ (paraphrased) ? Really?

DustyMuse · 14/01/2021 21:13

12yearsago, well said. I completely agree with you.

I hope you will feel better tomorrow Affor.

User2596 · 14/01/2021 21:38

Just logged in to say I am sorry to hear what happened @Affor sending you lots of love and strength. Take care of yourself Flowers

Fearandsurprise · 14/01/2021 23:25

@Affor

I don't have a DH. Maybe this is why you should read threads before deciding you know best.
I thought Seadad was talking to “all”, not you specifically. And some posters have mentioned having a partner.

And, it is a bit confusing referring to someone as your AP if you are single, as you are their AP but they aren’t yours as you don’t have your own relationship to have an affair from, if that makes sense.

User88454 · 14/01/2021 23:40

@Affor

I read back a bit on your posts (on a long boring journey). Your affair started with your MM when his wife was going into her third trimester of being pregnant with twins and ended when they were six months? I would say that there is a distinct possibility you were used for sex and attention when his wife was unable to provide these and now she is in a place to provide these then your value to him has plummeted. He sounds utterly vile. Disgusting. You are better off without him

Seadad · 14/01/2021 23:43

@12yearsago I've not once 'gloated' - im just holding up a mirror to affair relationships-which are agonising because they are secret, forbidden and fleeting - and removed from your daily lives. True?
It's probably the case that people are going to do what they are going to do regardless - but mutually validating the ' star crossed lovers' narrative won't help anyone free themselves from the mess and pain will it? I so feel very sorry for @Affor - but it's still a very familiar story. Rather than indulge in fantasy it's surely better to see things as they are, to learn, and to move on? Pain is usually telling you something, and it's better to recover rather than repeating the same thing in the hope that next time all will be healed.

Fearandsurprise · 15/01/2021 00:02

[quote User88454]@Affor

I read back a bit on your posts (on a long boring journey). Your affair started with your MM when his wife was going into her third trimester of being pregnant with twins and ended when they were six months? I would say that there is a distinct possibility you were used for sex and attention when his wife was unable to provide these and now she is in a place to provide these then your value to him has plummeted. He sounds utterly vile. Disgusting. You are better off without him[/quote]
Twins! So he was risking the health of not one, but two, babies plus his pregnant wife - through risk of STIs or stress - as well as directing his time and emotional energy away from them when it was needed most - by sleeping with someone else? How many more reasons does Affor need to realise he’s not worth her emotional energy?

Affor I doubt you will become happier until you can acknowledge to yourself how you have contributed to that appalling situation. Yes, he might have found someone else to have an affair with Instead of you, but you don’t know that.

ginandcv · 15/01/2021 08:11

@Affor I hope you're ok. I was damn near suicidal when I finished with my AP. On the last thread people came on to say how disgusting we were and that we should rot in hell.

I couldn't really articulate how hard things were back then. If I did take my own life then what about my children for starters.

I'm a good person who did an awful thing. I've just seen a post on another thread where someone has declared 'people who have affairs like having them and will continue to do so'. This is the absolute opposite of how I feel.

It just takes a whole lot of time (and therapy in my case) but my healing is coming. I didn't kill anyone. I'm not minimising it, but I will say that it wasn't the end of the world like I thought it was back then.

Headisgone · 15/01/2021 09:03

@Affor please dont let people who dont know you or your situation make you feel like shit. There is no black and white like people make out. Hope your ok today

Fearandsurprise · 15/01/2021 09:15

[quote Headisgone]@Affor please dont let people who dont know you or your situation make you feel like shit. There is no black and white like people make out. Hope your ok today[/quote]
Personally, I’m trying to point out that he’s a shit - so not worth Affor’s energy, and to encourage her to move on emotionally.

User88454 · 15/01/2021 09:37

@Headisgone

Actually sometimes there is black and white, and sometimes acknowledging that helps people move on from bad situations. I'm sick of all of this muddying of the waters. Affairs are always wrong, they hurt a lot of people. They aren't grey, there aren't some situations when they are okay.

I do understand people are human though, they make mistakes but the person who doesn't learn from the mistake of wasting their life as an AP lives a wasted life. I know a woman who was one for over thirty years? Do you think she's happy? Or do you think the thirty years could have been spent healthier and happier?

Validating poor choices is not supporting others. It's dragging them down in the ditch. I would much rather listen to @ginandcv , she's supporting while trying to help people move on. You on the other hand are projecting your situation onto others, you're having an affair and let's face it, you don't much care about how you're treating people so other people can do that too.

Affor · 15/01/2021 11:01

Thanks all. I am still here though basically a bundle of tears, exhaustion and nausea (probably from the exhaustion) held together by caffeine.

And I just started crying in a meeting when I spotted that at some point yesterday he had stuck a post-it note to my screen with an X on it. So career going well.

For the people commenting on the back story - the dates aren't right but I'm not going to correct as it amounts to the same thing. It shouldn't have happened and there is a set of twins out there who deserve better.

I know that for most people affairs are black and white. They were for me too. I would never have done this. I didn't set out looking for a MM to have a fling with, I slowly fell in love with this man over years of working together, and then spent the last year feeling like my life made sense, that it was always leading me to him and that suddenly everything I never wanted - marriage, kids etc - was on the table and so enticing.

And I still don't understand how it all adds up. After we ended the initial affair, he wrote me a long letter to tell me he had fallen in love with me and wishes he'd been honest about that. A few weeks ago he said that the strength of those feelings hadn't gone away. Last week he was tentatively asking me how I felt about possible kids etc, us talking about how to make it work for his kids, where to live for school runs and how christmas would have to work.

Then yesterday he says he's not sure how he feels, that he needs to leave me alone till he figures it out, that he might never 'get there'. What the fuck. I knew being in love didn't mean it would all work out, and that he still might not be able to ever leave his family unit. But I never questioned that that was where we were headed.

But it was never mine. All the things I thought were coming, he has with someone. And I know that that is the real life and mine was a fantasy. But it was still mine. And now it feels as though someone else is living the life I want, with the person I want. And that isn't black and white. You don't just get over someone because on paper it's bad, or because of their actions towards someone else. It's not that simple.

OP posts:
Headisgone · 15/01/2021 11:18

Im not trying to validate her poor choices, hell affairs are wrong there is no black or white with that. But it slowly fades into a grey. I would implore people not to have an affair. But in @Affor highlighting she did a shitty thing isnt going to help her get over him. Chastising her for being an ap wont help her get over him either. I dont support anyones decision to have an affair (mine included)

Scorpiogirl123 · 15/01/2021 11:32

Aw @Affor I really feel for you.
I obviously don't know the ins and outs of your situation but I do think he cares deeply for you but the overwhelming responsibility of twins and being a Dad must have hit him. It's real now.
Have you ever watched 'The Holiday'? I love the line where the old man says 'you need to be the leading lady of your own life' this is so true!!

You will look back on this when you meet someone unattached who adores you and you'll think it was a blessing in disguise!

Have you got close friends you can lean on for a cry and support? x

Onthedunes · 15/01/2021 13:58

@Affor,

What would help in this situation.?
What do you want to hear?
The truth, or sympathy regarding your poor choices?

Some situations in life have to be black and white, they are that way so you don't hurt others and yourself.
I understand you are in pain, but at least you have not made a life destroying choice of picking the wrong partner as a father, as your mm's wife has done.
This is a choice that could have been very different if she had known about you.
As it stands, you may one day be with him, she may be left alone with twins but whatever happens those children have had a terrible start in life, an uncertain future, instead of the wonderful real nurturing envoiroment it should be.
Make no mistake this will have affected his relationship with both children and spouse.
How would you like to discover that you made the wrong choice?, not just the wrong choice of loving someone but one where the life long choice of having a child with that person was utterly wrong.

As women we make these choices regarding children the best we can but when other women do not respect those choices let alone the men who want everthing then we should expect no sympathy.
It is self indulgent, and cruel.

The choice you made was black and white, it would have been so easy to draw a line and not emotionally invest with this man.

I am trying to understand but, I suppose there are many crimes (and this is a crime to many people) that I don't understand.

Your mm is useless, always will be, why would you want something like that in your life, a deficient human being who is so selfish he can't even stay faithful while his wife is pregnant.
Repulsive, as mm go that probably is the lowest of the low.

I also thought this was a support thread for staying away from the AP, not one for gaining sympathy for still enticing the AP back.
Either cut contact or shut up.

Also don't swear at other posters, who you believe are taking the moral high ground it shows you are in no way remorseful about your actions.

ginandcv · 15/01/2021 15:10

I've had a few PMs but I'm not going to answer directly (afraid or journos and losing anonymity). I also do not want to put myself in the role of advisor.

I think there is a huge difference between my affair and other peoples. There was nothing wrong with my marriage whatsoever. I fucked up. Realised I loved DH and nobody was better than him. He treats me like gold and I didn't want to lose him. I never confessed as I never wanted him to ever feel like he'd done something wrong. I also know he wouldn't have wanted to split, so the pain of confession would have been for nothing.

So with that in mind I will recap on what helped me in the aftermath of my affair:

Podcasts. Ester Perel and Emotional Baggage.
Books - Shirley glass and ester perel. Also a funny one about 'it's called a breakup because it's broken'. Oh and one about CBT.
Get busy. Do stuff. Talk to other people about things that don't involve relationships. Volunteer.
No pain shopping. Snooping wasn't helpful.
Medication
Counselling
Sleep
Water
Reducing alcohol
Journaling/keeping a diary
Reducing social media usage massively
Work.
Some Mumsnet posts

What did not help:
Trying to keep in touch
Trying to stay friends
'Passing by' his home to see if he was in
Some Mumsnet posts

There is probably more. I'll post more when I think of them.

Scorpiogirl123 · 15/01/2021 15:31

Hi @ginandcv which podcast specifically is emotional baggage?

ginandcv · 15/01/2021 15:52

Apologies - it's called The Baggage Reclaim sessions by Natalie Lue

Scorpiogirl123 · 15/01/2021 17:55

@Affor how are you feeling?